Online dating: Guys Just Want Casual Sex

[Findinlovee]

I’m 39 and struggling to go on dates with men who are looking for a relationship.

The vast majority of men who like my profile and try to message me are men who ‘aren’t sure’ or looking for ‘casual.’ I’m on Hinge and Bumble. I’ve went on a few dates with a few men last year, and even though they claimed to want a relationship, it soon became clear they wanted something casual.

Is it my age that’s the problem? Where can I try to meet more serious minded men?

Sadly I think you are 100% correct on this!

All dating apps are the same. I’ve been dating in and off for ten years using apps and have found most of them want hook ups, some are married or already have partners, some are lying about their age and I wouldn’t be surprised if they lie about who they actually are. I’ve dated so many men with mental health issues, a bad temper or commitment issues. People are single for a reason and a lot of people on the apps are not who they make out to be. I have been off the apps for a year and I feel much better about myself, have made friends through hobbies and interests and I don’t honk I could ever use dating apps again (I would rather be single).

Looking at my friends partners and mine we all agree if they were suddenly single they'd pretty much be the sleazy characters you describe. It's kids loose in a sweet shop time.

They've done domesticity now they want fun.

Sweden99 I don’t hate you. It’s a numbers game and better to widen your pool.

Attractive people looking for a long term relationship are not going to stay single as long. I’m considered very attractive (by others) - but that doesn’t matter because many women are and men have more choice than ever.

Attractive people looking for a long term relationship are not going to stay single as long

I don’t agree with this at all. I can give numerous examples of attractive intelligent independent well presented witty articulate women who are long term single and given up ever finding an equal partner

I could be here all day with my tales of horrific messages from men 🤦‍♀️

I had a guy message asking if he could lick my boots and be kicked in the face because he deserves to be humiliated

Another said he would do my housework naked other than a pinny

And that’s as well as the ones who think ‘cracking tits love’ is a perfect opening message - dear God

I’m 52 and met my partner on Tinder in 2020.
it’s just the same with men across all ages looking for casual sex and lying to get it (I dated between 30 and 60) but the pool gets smaller and dirtier as you go up the age range as more of the decent ones get taken and the left overs get more bitter and twisted:/.
Often the exact same people are on all the main apps (Tinder Bumble Hinge PoF) with the same profile, I felt Tinder the lesser evil as it has more people on it, and at least some of the opportunist shaggers were upfront about it.
Bumble was full of passive men, and the faux “women friendly “ ethos encouraged lying to sound like they’d fit in there, couldn’t take the deluge of messages on PoF and oddly found my most offensive ones on Hinge.
OLD both brings out the worst in people and gives people a platform to lie/cheat/blag in a way they couldn’t irl. Agree with the pp categories, it’s a numbers game trying to find someone you fancy in the 1%.

You're not the problem, I can assure you.

Online dating is a numbers game. I met my current partner on Tinder, but I was probably on 2 dates a week for about 3 months before we met each other.

I hadn't been looking for a partner at the time. Was single for about a year and had just given up alcohol and trying to get back to socialising and talking to people outside of the night-time setting, so all of the dates I went on were Saturday/Sunday afternoons for coffee or lunch or a game of pool (always a good first date activity).

When you start going on a lot of them it gets easier to say "Sorry, but you're just not for me" without feeling obligated to go on a second date. At your age, you probably know what you want and what you don't in a partner.

Go on many many dates, with as many different kinds of people (maybe even some women) to get used to just talking to new people, without the idea of a relationship already in mind. Just see what happens. Cast your net far and wide, enjoy yourself, get to know yourself, and the very best of luck finding someone who's good for you!

I think the shallow criteria that on line dating sets is maybe part of it, and the emphasis on visual aesthetics as the main criteria for matching.

In real life, if you met a guy who made you laugh, who was attractive, kind, smelt good and dressed well, but he was 5'9 most people wouldn't rule him out. But in OLD if you set your height at 6ft he'd be immediately screened out.
My dsis met her husband OLD, he is a true diamond but had hardly any matches or dates as he's 5'7. How on earth can a man being an inch or two smaller than your theoretical ideal be a deal breaker?

I mean you don't want to date someone who literally turns your stomach, but lasting relationships and love are based on more than height and a good photo angle.

Hmmm I’ve had the “be my maid and do my housework” thing too.
why is guys wish to humiliate themselves? Oddly he was one of the more respectful individuals I spoke too, gay as well so at least he wasn’t after what most were after!

Studies show that most women only swiped on 20% of men and men swipe far more widely. Those "alpha chads" have the pick of the litter and can get all the sex and dates they want so why would they want to commit unless you're out of their league.

I'm jealous of them hahaha. I'm a decent looking and smart guy, tall, no kids, job, creative, only ever been in 3 long term relationships and never had a ONS either. Aside from being average economically and lonely, on paper I'm ok, no?
It took a few months after I started dating again to find a girl I clicked with; some great dates with kisses where women flaked out a few days later, and many women who chattedon the app and then disappeared. Despite finding the best person I could at the time (and I really love her) she's hard work: regularly tells me what a unique, attractive and amazing person I am but often really treats me like shit (worryingly, even my therapist agrees) is regularly threatened by emotional and physical intimacy and has more than a few personal issues.
I'm not confident that dating again if things don't work out would be all roses.

If I was reductive I could say "the best women are taken"
But if I try to be compassionately honest with myself the tougher more realistic statement (that no one who starts these threads admits) is:

The really good ones are "NOT INTERESTED IN ME"

So where to go from here?

I read these threads and some thoughts pop up:

"Lets work on ourselves instead of putting our anger and frustrations onto the opposite sex"

But also..

"So most kind, decent, guys that women claim to want, are in reality not too ambitious, materialistic or sexually assertive. That's probably unsexy or unexciting to these women on a personal level or for their childbearing plans.... fine.... Let this group of women deal with their own contradictory expectations and the reality thereof."

"Many women are intrinsically fussier, harder to please or personally satisfied than average mae counterparts" (backed up by research on neuroticism etc, sorry!!!)

Having said that I have a Lot of empathy for women, especially when we consider structural inequality and late given tentative societal freedoms. It's tough.

So Everyone's a bit fucked up no? We just need to know healthily who and what we are happy to accept or not and work with them. Perfection or expectations are the antithesis to love.

I find that well written and it agrees with my experience.

The irony of the zombie thread resuscitation 😂

Set up a fake male online profile, 5 foot 8 normal job average looking
See how many matches you get.
2 or 3 a year

@Findinlovee 5'8 isn't a problem if you market yourself in a right way. Show women what they are missing on ( great activity pics, interesting and positive bio).

What not to do - No toilet selfies, no open for short relationships messages, no pics with open mouth, no pics with blood on your face( seen plenty on hinge), no pics with beer in your hand...

You are welcome

Sorry wrong person tagged. That was message to samedaysameshit

Data from tinder shows women swipe yes on 4% and men 60%.
The 4% are mostly the same guys.
They also released some data showing one guy had some stupid matches like 40,000 in a year.
My point in a round about way is OLD doesn’t work for anyone apart from a few Genius Khan types who get to chose the whole world.
Women know men are just trying with everyone hoping someone will give them a go and most men have little or no hope.
when women do get a date the man is already lining up his next date as his phone is buzzing with the next opportunity.
It also leads to this ‘settling’ culture because women never managed to get the guy she really wanted.
It’s a flawed system like most social media and internet based interactions.
There must be a better way but now it’s out there it’s the only way people think they can meet.

Most men don’t look for a relationship per se, they look for the right woman who will inspire them to get into a relationship.
Waiting for her to appear, they play the field.

Some really bad stereotypes there.

was dating last year and as a 51yo guy it’s tough. I was looking for a long trek relationship. Not interested in shagging around. Totally no sex chat whatsoever. Can chat for England. Not too many matches. Think I am ok looking, bit of a dad bod but fit, active, no topless fish pics etc.

got to the point where I thought how many profiles are active? What on earth are these women looking for as genuinely believe I have a lot to give.

sure, there are some idiots there but also some normal guys too.

I can confirm that this is 100% correct. Good job, physically fit & healthy, young looking for my age (49), independent and self sufficient, loyal and reliable with a healthy balance of work, interests and social activity. BUT 5'7"/170cm. Three dates in a year!

If you are 5'7" in your socks just lie and say you are 2 inches taller.

If they are substantially shorter than you you can pull it off with a pair of lift shoes and then by the time you are into date 2 they probably won't care about the odd inch here or there anyway.

Everyone lies on online dating, both the men and the women. Don't waste £20 a month if you are on a pay site by being out-lied by everyone else.

No everyone doesn’t lie on OLD. I’ve always been 💯 honest on my profiles and anyone lying is a deal breaker for me. If I meet someone five date and find out they’re older/shorter than they claimed then they’re a liar and I’m out of there.

It’s pathetic to knock years off your age or add inches to your height to get a date under false pretenses. Silly thing is, if you’re honest, you’re more likely to get a second date than if you get caught out on the first.

And 2 of them will be bots.

OLD is a waste of time for men who aren't tall and good looking. The ones that are fill their boots and women will complain they just want sex and won't commit.

There's still hordes of men on these apps circling the drain, swiping hundreds or thousands of women in the hope of a match. You'll see the same faces on there all the time.

Blood on their faces?!

@HolidayAtNight Yes, I've seen few on Hinge - literally with blood on their faces as a result of boxing, festival antiques, drunken night etc.. imagine the IQ of the person who thinks its attractive to women..