Online dating: Guys Just Want Casual Sex

[Findinlovee]

I’m 39 and struggling to go on dates with men who are looking for a relationship.

The vast majority of men who like my profile and try to message me are men who ‘aren’t sure’ or looking for ‘casual.’ I’m on Hinge and Bumble. I’ve went on a few dates with a few men last year, and even though they claimed to want a relationship, it soon became clear they wanted something casual.

Is it my age that’s the problem? Where can I try to meet more serious minded men?

I find that in this type of discourse there's always a lot of 'lower your standards! Date someone you're not even attracted to!' towards women.. meanwhile in my experience most men are very particular regarding physical appearance.

I get a lot of interest on OLD currently, because I am 'conventionally attractive' by society's standards - not boasting or saying this is how it should be. When I was 20kg heavier, with hair dyed a colour that didn't suit my skin tone, not so much. Men aren't generally giving women the benefit of the doubt on dating apps, in case their personality is amazing, either. Most people are shallow on OLD sites/apps.

Even now, when I get sick of the typical 'good looking'/'player' types, so I lower my standards for want of a better phrase.... same thing. A lot of men will also lie to get women into bed under false pretenses. The so called 'less desirable' men don't always behave any better.

So really OP you're between a rock and a hard place. It's just about sifting through the masses until you find someone. Also, as mentioned by a PP, I find tinder is generally better for me - it's not a hook up site, really. It can be, but no more than any of the others!

Also as a PP has said, don't lie about your height.

It's happened loads of times to me and I just never see them again. Waste of everyone's time!

Wow, that sounds like some kind of caveman mentality. The next step along from posing with a fish they've caught.

I met a bloke once who had claimed to be 54 and 5’11 - he was actually 59 and about 5’9

Had he been honest, I’d have dated him as I did feel an attraction but the lies were a deal breaker for me

Most men AND women are pretty particular in terms of their selection criteria. It's just that women often claim they aren't because it is seen as "shallow". It still doesn't stop them filtering out men of lower height though.

You only have to look at the on line stats regarding height selectivity for women to see how this impacts on shorter men. I think I read somewhere that men under 5'8" are only selected in 15% of womens profiles. How realistic is this ?

The thing is, women have a filter that is very selective. I don't think a lot of them understand how this limits their choices if they do select for height values significantly above the norm, which a lot do. If men had similarly exclusive criteria that was important to them, like for example must look as good or better than X, or must be lower in dress size than Y, then they would similarly limit their options due to unrealistic criteria and the amount of matches available. But they don't.

Exaggerating your height it largely depends whether you are being realistic as a man are to what you are likely to achieve with this. If you are 5'4" and lying your way up to 5'10" to try to date 5'8" women that is not going to be successful in almost all cases. But for a 5'6" man to add a couple of inches to get more matches with women who are shorter (say 5'2") but filter out matches under 5'8" you stand a much greater chance of success.

It's great to be tall as a man and attractive as a woman and just watch the interest roll in. For the rest of us mere mortals more pragmatic approaches have to be taken.

I think the height selection issue must be a big issue for people who run dating apps. They can probably see that most women are being unreasonable about their height expectations, but struggle to figure out what to do about it. To some degree it probably suits them, because the more unrealistic your expectations are, the longer you are likely to spend on the app.

@PotatoHeadedSerialKiller I agree that, in some cases, expectations are too high - but it's on both sides.

I have been on the other side of the coin, a 'mere mortal' as you'd put it, because I was overweight. Trust me - men weren't flocking in.

Now that I am fit, I have masses of overweight/drug taking/unemployed men in my likes. My point being, they are unrealistic too! They weren't as interested when I was 'less attractive'. It's really not a 'the women are unrealistic' issue as much as is pedaled - a lot of people on OLD are superficial, and attempting to punch above their weight.

It's never right to lie about height, either. Especially because men don't do it in the way you're specifying - they lie on their profiles, then try to date women from 5ft-5'9.

I'm 5'7 and my minimum was always 5'10. I cannot even count the number of dates I've been on and the man was shorter than me, after claiming 5'10. So much so, that now I'm pushed into preferring 6ft as a 'claimed' height, because then I can be sure they're likely not 5'6. There is so much lying that women overshooting the height is really, really common - among my social circle and based on discussions on social media, at least.

An English comedian who’d been through several divorces said a few years ago that next time he wouldn’t get married, he’d just find a woman who hated him and buy her a house.
My wife of 23 years abruptly left me for her boss 7 years ago and is living in another part of the country 250 miles away-effectively I’m a single parent for all practical purposes to our son, especially when he’s been home from university in the pandemic and now he’s home working in London. I’ve had some adventures in the world of online dating. I have a lovely platonic friend who has now sadly moved away to be near her children; we still chat weekly by phone, and did so daily in the depths of the pandemic. My observations of the problems people have in modern dating are as follows:

1. The search for perfection. People who’ve been through a traumatic relationship breakdown are over anxious to ensure this doesn’t happen again-they reject date after date because of some minor flaw.
2. Looking ahead too much. When I met my wife I had no idea it would lead to a relationship, marriage, buying a house, having a child. I just enjoyed her company and doing things together. A lot of people dating are not living in the moment-they really are thinking “would I still fancy this person putting the bins out”?
3. Online flirting satisfaction. I think deep down lots of daters don’t actually want to meet anyone-their bruised ego is fully repaired by a few “likes” and text exchanges.
4. Baggage. Lots of people claim to have “no baggage”. For almost anyone of any age, especially if you’ve been married and had children this is patently untrue. In fact, I would be massively suspicious of anyone who never related anything about their prior life to me.
5. Unrealistic expectations. High status, wealthy, incredibly good looking people are not on budget dating apps-that’s just the truth folks! My profile begins with “George Clooney isn’t on here, so you’ll have to put up with the likes of me”.
6. Cliché interests. A bit of a minefield here. Apparently if you like to watch “Netflix and chill with a bottle of wine” this is code that you’re sexually available to almost anyone-I’d better edit my profile! The number of people local to me who like “walking on the beach” (another euphemism???), is larger than I would expect for somewhere that is about as far from the sea in Britain that you can be! Obviously, in certain parts of the US this would be even more ridiculous.
7. Poor geographical knowledge. Nope, I’m not going to feel guilty that I have no interest in meeting someone 6 years older than me who weighs 20 stone, is unemployed, doesn’t drive and lives 300 miles away.
8. Illogical profiles:”I’m looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with”, followed by virtually no information about themselves.
9. Terrible photos. Why do so many profiles on “respectable” dating sites not have just a simple, natural, unfiltered full face picture-not blurred, not the back of their head, not their cat, dog or car, not with their friends so you don’t know who the profile is for. And remember to not look totally miserable!!
10. Dating sites do not want you to meet anyone!! If dating sites were successful at what they purport to do it would be a hopeless business model-2 people would join, pay for the minimum length membership, meet each other, fall hopelessly in love, immediately cancel their membership and sail off happily into the sunset. On most sites the same people have been there for years-so it obviously doesn’t work!!

So that’s it. Just take care out there people, and if you’d like to meet in a public place for a coffee………….

I can see how it is annoying if someone is trying to achieve unrealistic outcomes by lying themselves a foot taller than they actually are.

The other perspective is that imagine you are a 5'6" bloke with a great job, high intelligence, good education, kind, entertaining and would make a great life partner. Should they put their true height forwards knowing they are going to get hardly any matches for their £15 a month, or try to embelish it a bit and improve their chances ?

After all, if you are filtered out at the height stage you have 0% chance of making that match...

Any moment now someone’s going to say “I’m looking for a man in finance”😂😂😂
m.youtube.com/watch?v=RUzgVapnc3U

So is it better to lie, turn up on a date not being what you’ve sold yourself as and waste both parties time, money and energy?

I’ve ended dates after a few minutes and I know plenty of others who’ve walked out when their date has knocked off years of added inches.

No, it's better to lie because then you have a finite chance of being successful.

Whereas if you don't you have zero chance because you won't even make the date in the first place.

@PotatoHeadedSerialKiller I can understand that it must be really frustrating for these men - especially if they are only looking to date women who are 5ft-5'4, for example.

I actually think social media has a lot to answer for in this case - the whole 'short kings' discourse to describe a man under 6ft, men whose heights start with 6 being held as gods, etc. I have a friend who only ever dates over 6ft - she is 5'2. I'm never one to police her preferences, but I do wonder how much of it comes from the innate desire to feel smaller than a man (which most women experience), and how much is socialized drivel from the media. Does she really need a man to be a foot taller than her?

It's similar on the other side as well though - as I've experienced myself, going from overweight to fit. Loads of overweight men are interested in me now where they weren't before.

I don't think there's an easy solution unfortunately but I don't think misrepresenting yourself can ever be the answer.
I'd similarly judge a successful, funny, facially beautiful woman who used pictures from 5 years ago when she was much ligher/looked younger for example. It's a waste of people's time

Hi,
I’m in a situation where my partner is distant geographically (practically in another continent) and has been for a while. We meeting physically is almost impossible for now and even in the next year. She has told me multiple times that she wouldn’t want me having multiple sex partners as she understands; but i do want to have sex and I miss having it. I just can’t seem to meet someone who would be comfortable with a FWB arrangement because I tell every one I meet from the start.

What are the best websites/apps to use for meeting people? The ones I’ve looked at have lots of obviously fake profiles, scammers or expensive. Any other suggestions for meeting like minded people would be appreciated? I think I would prefer a FWB but not sure how to go about it?

Wait until you are in your 50s and the men still put "still figuring it out" as to what they want. And the same ones often also have that they want kids when they are mid 50s.....

Where are all these men trying to get women to their underwear please, how do I find them?

Maybe it’s something I’m doing wrong, but nobody ever seems to try very hard to get me into mine, my dates are chatter about politics and careers and childhoods and lots of texting in between…

Getting a man to push for sex early on, quite tricky!

Maybe I need to do the filtering for the OP and she can do mine. I seem to only stumble across the guys that really want to get to know you…

For context I’m a dressy blonde in heels, and I certainly don’t have an asexual vibe.

You’ve 💯 nailed the topic! 👏👏👏🎤

As a single male, I feel quite relieved that there are a lot of strange men out there, although to be clear, it is just as hard for us guys, with one word messages etc.

There are lots of woman on OLD who are after the same thing as men. It's fairly easy to spot which woman want casual and which want long term, by the way show themselves in their profile pics. Generally speaking, those that show a lot of skin, cleavage, legs and bum just want casual. I guess there are red flags with men as well?

I must admit, I do fib about my height, I bump it from 5'10 and a bit to 6' but i do wear shoes with heels in to make me taller anyway, so I am genuinely 6' with shoes on! The difference between 5'10 and 6' in terms of matches and likes is massive.

It’s like people don’t often what they seek. Plus two things can coexist. I had rather get to know her first but getting to know one never ends (in the sense of it). Getting under the skirts more of a short/medium term goal that aligns with the long term if it’s going to be achieved.😊

Indeed. The 2 should go hand in hand.

I’ve only really dated one guy where it has though, where he actually went for it on 3rd date.

I mean, I’m talking to someone now and we’re just talking hobbies, travel etc, loads of messages. Same with the previous guy. And in fact most guys, lots of emotional connecting before any action.

Do I basically just make friends and need to learn how to date? 😂

I have got no idea what about you is giving guys that energy but I know that 80% of men about 80% of time know want they want with a lady from the first meeting if not minute. It rarely changes.

Dunno, I talk about sports and world affairs a lot? 😂 And ask them questions about everything but relationships and sex.

I do however have a good amount of people admit to me after some time that they’ve always been sexually attracted to me so maybe there’s some hope for me? 🙈 If your hypothesis is true of course!

Tinder isn’t any more of a hook up site than the others, and most have multiple accounts across various apps anyway.

I’m 34 been single 5 years, I use bumble and tinder sporadically but I’ve not met anyone I want to pursue anything with.

The amount of genuine men who aren’t hung on their ex, not looking for random sex or without commitment issues/avoidance is low across all age groups tbh.

This!

This:
The amount of genuine men who aren’t hung on their ex, not looking for random sex or without commitment issues/avoidance is low across all age groups tbh.

And I’m not saying it’s any different for women. I probably have commitment issues and hence I turn feasible nice eager guys away and pursue tricky ones with commitment issues.

Some people are really obsessed with relationships and really cling on to them. I’m not saying it as a negative but people who are super focused on relationships and family are more likely to be in one. People who are more independent/ perfectionist/ set in their ways probably struggle a bit settling in a relationship. The more I speak to men who are single the more I notice the above 3 groups.

My male friends are lovely but the ones who are single fall into those 3 groups. I also notice that many highly intelligent people that question social norms are single, for example