DP friends with ex-wife

[CarrotyO]

I've been with my DP almost 2 years. He's been separated from his exw about 4 years bu they always stayed friends. At the start of our relationship he was still married to exw and didn't see the need to divorce as "it's just a bit of paper". They were still very close - lots of texting conversations through the week, shared a car (it was her car but he had free parking so she parked the car at his place and he used it more often unless she wanted it, for example if she wanted to do something at the weekend she would take it), and met each other weekly to have dinner together and catch-up, or to go on nights out to the pub/bars with her and her DP.

I really struggled with their meet-ups because he had a habit of meeting with her and I would only find out afterwards, and often by accident because I had tried phoning and couldn't get through to him, despite asking him to be transparent and tell me in advance when he was meeting her.

I was very uncomfortable and pressured him to reduce contact and divorce. He has divorced now. It became a bit frosty between them during the divorce, and (slightly before the divorce) because he began to limit contact with her (for example, she had asked him to drive her and her cat to the vets, I was uncomfortable with it, he delayed in agreeing and she took a taxi instead).

The divorce was amicable and very straight forward as they have no DC, no shared property, no shared-finances etc. Things seem to have warmed up again now, they are texting each other to wish each other happy birthday, happy new year, sharing photos of their Christmas dinners with each other, giving each other updates on promotions at work, sharing youtube links to things she knows my DP is interested in. They have a long history (over 20 years together) and I think my DP would be happy to go back to weekly meet-ups with her if I wasn't so upset by this.

I feel like he is still attached to her. I want him to cut contact with her and focus on our relationship and building a relationship with me. I'm worried that even if we marry and have children he will still have a relationship with her. I don't want to be reminded of their long history together and want him to leave his past in the past.

You feel like he is still attached to her because he is! I couldn’t put up with a third person in my relationship, I think you are wasting your time here.

Mu dh had an ex like this. He was upset but cut contact.

This sounds much more involved tho. I would consider my options.

He IS attached to her.
Do yourself a favour and end things rather than make this a life long battle. He’s not ready for a serious relationship and will probably continue to gravitate towards her indefinitely.

@BoohooWoohoo That's my fear (that he will continue to gravitate towards her). He assures me that I'm his no.1 priority, he wants to spend his life with me, and that they don't love each other anymore. It's really hard for me to judge whether I am being overly anxious or whether he is overly attached.

Was it a battle to convince him to cut contact with her? Did you feel guilty about that? (I feel guilt about this)

Do you know why they split?

Sounds like they are still doing all the things of a happily married couple and he's thoroughly enjoying having two women who adore him.
A divorce means the end/death of a relationship, but I can't see what's actually died between them?

As they don't have any children together I would say it's very unusual to remain in such close contact with an ex. They clearly work well as friends. I would be asking questions about the reasons they divorced - that might give you some insight as to whats happening now.

You've been together 4 years and it sounds like its always been the same so I dont think you can expect him to change. In the past he's met her behind your back (probably because he knew you'd be annoyed/upset) so I think that shows he's prioritising their friendship over your feelings.
I'd be reconsidering my relationship with this guy and having a serious conversation with him about it all. If it's a deal breaker for you - you need to tell him that and mean it.

Well, it's nice when exes get on, especially if kids are involved, but there's no need in this case.

Why did they get divorced?

I'd just end it to be honest.
At the start of our relationship he was still married to exw and didn't see the need to divorce as "it's just a bit of paper". this would have been a sign early on that he wasn't ready for another relationship.

I couldn't continue in a relationship with a man who is still emotionally married to his ex. Are they definitely divorced?

@Tilllly He says they split because they were more like roommates by the end. They were friends but not in love. He also says there was no trust between them. Because he was engaging in addictive behaviours and had lied about it too many times / not sorted the issue. Since he's been with me he has been engaging in support groups, seeing a therapist, working on himself, and is much more on a path of well-being and self-growth.

Yes they are definitely divorced, he kept me updated at every stage and showed me the evidence of it.

Why they split up is key, as is who left who. I'm guessing she ended it.

I'm sure he does love you op but this is going to continue to be an issue for you going forward.

I'd walk away knowing what I know now (based on my personal experiences).

Cross post!

She sounds like the one that got away for him and vice versa. She split with him because of his addictive behaviour which is now past. Do you think she would want him back if they were both single?

This is who he is, and it doesn’t suit you. Move on.

Since he's been with me he has been engaging in support groups, seeing a therapist, working on himself, and is much more on a path of well-being and self-growth. he's not some sort of fixer upper project. I'd let him go down his path of well being and self growth by himself and then if in a couple of years time he's grown then he can get in touch and see if you're still single and interested. Don't get roped into being his support human.

If they divorced because they were more like friends, I don't think she's a threat to you at all.

Because he was engaging in addictive behaviours and had lied about it too many times / not sorted the issue.

Well, he's still addicted to his ex wife.

Time to let him go..... he will never change. You have asked him to stop and be transparent and every time he ignores you and does what he wants. Either live in limbo or make the change, you deserve better than this.

It was difficult.

I was a fairly new relationship & they had a shared history. But she came to visit & it was very uncomfortable.

So we had a massive row & it was clear he would have to choose.

That was a long time ago. She's popped up occasionally since then & she still has feelings for him, I think. Not sure what exactly...

Where I think it's different for you is that your DP doesn't want to choose, I think.

I don't feel guilty, it has caused enough discomfort without constant contact.

If he's happy lying to her, to you, to himself, definitely set him free.

He will torment you, even if it's dressed up as lapses.

Sums it up

This kind of feels like it's not going to work OP

As PP said, it's like hes addicted to her

If he's worked on the addiction issues that caused the split, they still meet and enjoy each others company.... where's the barrier now? Apart from you?

Perhaps she ended it to force him into dealing with his addictions and didn't want to divorce because she was hoping they could reconcile, then you came on the scene

I could be totally wrong but it feels like hard work