DP friends with ex-wife

[CarrotyO]

I've been with my DP almost 2 years. He's been separated from his exw about 4 years bu they always stayed friends. At the start of our relationship he was still married to exw and didn't see the need to divorce as "it's just a bit of paper". They were still very close - lots of texting conversations through the week, shared a car (it was her car but he had free parking so she parked the car at his place and he used it more often unless she wanted it, for example if she wanted to do something at the weekend she would take it), and met each other weekly to have dinner together and catch-up, or to go on nights out to the pub/bars with her and her DP.

I really struggled with their meet-ups because he had a habit of meeting with her and I would only find out afterwards, and often by accident because I had tried phoning and couldn't get through to him, despite asking him to be transparent and tell me in advance when he was meeting her.

I was very uncomfortable and pressured him to reduce contact and divorce. He has divorced now. It became a bit frosty between them during the divorce, and (slightly before the divorce) because he began to limit contact with her (for example, she had asked him to drive her and her cat to the vets, I was uncomfortable with it, he delayed in agreeing and she took a taxi instead).

The divorce was amicable and very straight forward as they have no DC, no shared property, no shared-finances etc. Things seem to have warmed up again now, they are texting each other to wish each other happy birthday, happy new year, sharing photos of their Christmas dinners with each other, giving each other updates on promotions at work, sharing youtube links to things she knows my DP is interested in. They have a long history (over 20 years together) and I think my DP would be happy to go back to weekly meet-ups with her if I wasn't so upset by this.

I feel like he is still attached to her. I want him to cut contact with her and focus on our relationship and building a relationship with me. I'm worried that even if we marry and have children he will still have a relationship with her. I don't want to be reminded of their long history together and want him to leave his past in the past.

Sometimes you can romantically split but remain friends, i certainly have as my dp with our ex's. Ok kids being in the equation does alter things but ours are grown. I don't see why it's an issue myself unless he's not over her romantically speaking

If you two were to break up do you think they would get back together?

That seems impossible for me to know. How could I know that?

He met with both of them a few times early on in our relationship. His ex's new partner wasn't very keen on their relationship so I think they arranged meetups between all three so that they could get to know each other. They then reverted to just continuing to meet up alone (my DP and his ex), because although my DP got on with her bf, they weren't that interested in being friends.

I feel like her relationship with her new DP is less serious because he is much younger than her (26) and wants kids. She is happy childfree (41), so they are both living apart presumably because at some point, when he's a bit older, he will find a woman to have kids with.

She doesn't have kids and doesn't want kids.

I would consider a good sign that he has stayed friends with his ex. It means he chooses partners he likes as people, which says good things about his judgement, and recognises that just because it doesn’t work out romantically, it doesn’t mean they are a bad person and can’t be friends, which says good things about his temperament.

I may be biased because my DH and I are still friends with (most!) of our ex partners.

But I wouldn't have dated him and then tried to force him to change.

I agree with this. If a man doesn’t take it upon himself to divorce & cut ties with his ex that he doesn’t share kids with, when he starts a new relationships that tells you all you need to know really. And the smart thing is for you walk - unless of course you’re comfortable with it. Because there’s no guarantee he will ever completely cut her off. If you guys end up going through a rough patch or you’re both stressed and snappy at each other if/when you have kids - who do you think he’s going to confide in? Are you happy with a future that involves his ex being the sympathetic ear he goes to?

I agree with this. The last guy I dated had no communication with his ex wife or his ex partner (of 7 years). The ex wife he shared 4 kids plus grandchildren with and they hadn’t communicated since they split.

Looking back now it was a red flag but it wasn’t one I really noticed at the time.

Though I’m now on the list of exes written out of history - oh well I’ll live 🤣

There are mixed responses on this thread which reflect my mixed feelings.

From my past experience of being in a similar situation, don't walk - run!!

It's not the being friends which is an issue (or at least it wasn't for me), it wasn't the frequent texts, or the fact that he wouldn't speak to her on the phone in front of me. It was the secretive nature of it all. He frequently didn't tell me when they were meeting up (I found out a few times accidentally). He'd also lie about meeting up with her. If there's nothing to hide there's no need not to be 100% transparent and just mention, "oh I'm meeting ex for dinner this evening", or "ex popped over for coffee this afternoon. It was lovely to see her". No need for him to share more info than that, but being open and transparent about meeting etc is just basic respect for your new partner.

In my case he'd also be sending photos to her when we were on holiday etc, which just felt like an invasion of privacy. They weren't her memories to be shared, they were ours and I wasn't comfortable with him sharing that level of detail about our lives together.

I want to do this. But feel guilty, and feel like it's my problem for being insecure about it, so therefore I don't really have a right to.

It would bother me that you only found out after their meet ups and also that you couldn’t get through to him when he was with her. If it’s all just friendly, why not just pick up the phone?

tbh it sounds like you’ve walked into a sort of relationship. You can pressure him and work on him all you want, but you really shouldn’t have to.

Look, if you don’t your feelings are important and worth taking seriously, why would you expect anyone else to? Centre yourself on this. If the relationship isn’t working for you, it’s not working for you. The fact that other people might be fine with it is irrelevant. If this is actually a deal-breaker for you, say so. And be prepared to end things.

This is what has really upset me! I saw that he is sharing photos of the nice meal we cooked together at Christmas. I had no idea he was taking a photo and sharing it with her. It feels like a violation. I thought that meal was for us but apparently not. Why should she be getting the updates from him on where we are spending Christmas, what he's doing for his birthday, etc? Those are times we have together. She shared a photo with him of her and her DP. I don't really want her sending him photos of herself.

Him volunteering info to her and keeping secrets from you is a red flag.

Op run a mile.

Trust issues are the first thing that jumped out at me. She dumped him as she didn’t trust him? Why did she stop trusting him?

He meets her and tells you after the event? Ie he sneaks about and then says sorry? This is lying by omission. He’s not trustworthy - she was right. He hasnt changed.

Im guessing he likes the smoke up the arse she gives him. The attention may give him the dopamine fix he craves. Her messages and the buzz from it may be his new addiction.

Being on good terms with an ex is a good sign. But hiding it and constant contact is not a good sign. Are you in the pictures he sends? I wouldn’t appreciate this level of contact and I wouldn’t do it as I think it oversteps boundaries and risks your relationship. And if you value your relationship why would you damage it?

Personally I would move on. No kids , no marriage, no mortgage find someone without a tie to their ex.

Read ‘not just friends’ by Shirley Glass. It’s a quick read but illuminating.

You're not happy.
What will make you happy?
Can you achieve that within this relationship?
If no, then go your own way.

In my case, the ex-wife was still single and I felt still acting (and being treated) like the primary female in his life.

The fact he was sharing details with her of things we were doing (though I don't think he ever gave me more than a passing mention at best), but never talking to me about time he was spending with her was very telling.

Mine also wouldn't answer the phone to me when he was with her.

Being friends is fine. My best friend is male, but he's not a secret from my boyfriends, I certainly wouldn't hide meet-ups with him from boyfriends and I don't feel the need to message him daily or send constant photos of what I'm doing, nor do I expect the same from him. To do so is damaging to your primary relationship.

Nothing to feel guilty about - they are your boundaries and it’s up to you to let him know what they are. As you have said yourself with the mixed response we are all different - it absolutely does not make you wrong. You shouldn’t feel uncomfortable, it is not acceptable.

This is not going to work out, @CarrotyO

I saw that he is sharing photos of the nice meal we cooked together at Christmas. I had no idea he was taking a photo and sharing it with her. It feels like a violation

OK, what if you took a photo of the meal and shared it with your best friend? "Cooking up a storm for Christmas" or other such harmless "this is how we're spending time" type social media interaction. Would that be wrong of you?

What about any other photos of you living your best life with your partner - should they never be shared with your friends? Do you keep all photographs private all the time (that is a valid approach) or do you sometimes sharing pics with your mates?

This is his close friend.

Not his lover, not a co-parent, his friend. That he can be friends with an ex is a good sign. You don't have to like her, you don't have to spend time with her, you don't even need to talk to her. She can be totally separate from your life while remaining a part of his.

If you cannot cope with their friendship and it makes you unhappy, that's a perfectly valid reason for ending things.

However, if someone told me I had to cut off an old friend in order to date them, I'd know which way I'd react.

I think you should walk away from the relationship. You're clearly not comfortable with their friendship but you don't have the right to try and control his social life.

I think it's fine for them to stay friends, personally. It reflects a certain level of maturity on both sides, and I don't think you should feel threatened by it as they have clearly made the decision not to be together in a romantic way. They have a lot of history together and they clearly get on well as friends.

If you decide that you can't hack that, I think it's fair enough, and you should consider ending the relationship. You don't have to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. I guess the alternative would be to give your partner an ultimatum and try to force him to cut contact with his ex. That might work, if he decides to prioritise you, but surely that kind of controlling behaviour will only create resentment in the longer term?

He's messing you around and needs to choose you or his ex. He can't have both but does at the moment. It will continue unless you bring it to a head.

Such wise words. He won't change. What will you do with that piece of information?

Everything he's doing he's thinking about sharing with her via photos and updates. That's unacceptable.

It’s the intimacy isn’t it. She’s inside his head and he wants to mix her into every part of his life or it’s not quite enough.

Friendship is great but this seems like more. He will have discussed you and his relationship with you with her…it’s too much.