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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP friends with ex-wife

145 replies

CarrotyO · 11/01/2024 08:43

I've been with my DP almost 2 years. He's been separated from his exw about 4 years bu they always stayed friends. At the start of our relationship he was still married to exw and didn't see the need to divorce as "it's just a bit of paper". They were still very close - lots of texting conversations through the week, shared a car (it was her car but he had free parking so she parked the car at his place and he used it more often unless she wanted it, for example if she wanted to do something at the weekend she would take it), and met each other weekly to have dinner together and catch-up, or to go on nights out to the pub/bars with her and her DP.

I really struggled with their meet-ups because he had a habit of meeting with her and I would only find out afterwards, and often by accident because I had tried phoning and couldn't get through to him, despite asking him to be transparent and tell me in advance when he was meeting her.

I was very uncomfortable and pressured him to reduce contact and divorce. He has divorced now. It became a bit frosty between them during the divorce, and (slightly before the divorce) because he began to limit contact with her (for example, she had asked him to drive her and her cat to the vets, I was uncomfortable with it, he delayed in agreeing and she took a taxi instead).

The divorce was amicable and very straight forward as they have no DC, no shared property, no shared-finances etc. Things seem to have warmed up again now, they are texting each other to wish each other happy birthday, happy new year, sharing photos of their Christmas dinners with each other, giving each other updates on promotions at work, sharing youtube links to things she knows my DP is interested in. They have a long history (over 20 years together) and I think my DP would be happy to go back to weekly meet-ups with her if I wasn't so upset by this.

I feel like he is still attached to her. I want him to cut contact with her and focus on our relationship and building a relationship with me. I'm worried that even if we marry and have children he will still have a relationship with her. I don't want to be reminded of their long history together and want him to leave his past in the past.

OP posts:

HarpyRampant · 13/01/2024 13:16

I agree with @gannett — it’s really not my job to tiptoe around other people’s outlandish misconceptions or inability to grasp the utter normality of male-female friendships. But as you said, I don’t surround myself with insecure territorial people with a hyper-sexualised view of relationships between men and women.

Original poster

CarrotyO · 13/01/2024 13:40

Luckily my DP has more compassion for my insecurities around this Harpy. Although he also recognises the part he has played with the secrecy and the enmeshment.

OP posts:

EBearhug · 13/01/2024 15:29

Harpy?

saraclara · 13/01/2024 16:24

CarrotyO · 13/01/2024 13:40

Luckily my DP has more compassion for my insecurities around this Harpy. Although he also recognises the part he has played with the secrecy and the enmeshment.

WTF?

How has she suddenly become a 'harpy'? Because she's had the nerve to remain friends with the person she was married to for 20 years?

HarpyRampant · 13/01/2024 16:28

EBearhug · 13/01/2024 15:29

Harpy?

We’re you talking to me?

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/01/2024 16:58

CarrotyO · 13/01/2024 13:40

Luckily my DP has more compassion for my insecurities around this Harpy. Although he also recognises the part he has played with the secrecy and the enmeshment.

Also harpy?! Why is she a harpy?

Wheresthefibre · 13/01/2024 16:59

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/01/2024 16:58

Also harpy?! Why is she a harpy?

Show quote history

Isn’t it one of the posters usernames?

NotaCoolMum · 13/01/2024 17:56

It’s not just the fact that he’s sees her and shared everything with her. Even if he cuts he off, you’re still stuck with the same problem- which is WHY had he stayed so close to her?
you said it’s been a cycle of you feeling insecure, him reassuring you etc, but it’s continued for TWO years. Hindsight is 20/20 but you saw the red flags and ignored them by staying with him in the beginning, and now he’s said he’s going to go no contact with her and that he was a “people pleaser” for her… he’s not been so fussed about being a people pleaser for you for the past two years. He says you’re his priority, but if that were the case, he would NEVER have done anything to risk losing you. Instead, he carried on with this “friendship” at your expense.

Original poster

CarrotyO · 14/01/2024 10:19

He would say that he thought it was ok because they were just friends.

I'm confused about where the line is between friendship and emotional affair / unhealthy attachment to ex. Someone further up thread asked who broke up with who. I asked him this and he said she instigated it. It took a couple of days for it to sink in. And then he started looking for somewhere else to live. I'm confused about how they were "more like roommates" by the end as they were sharing a bed and kissing each other etc, which isn't normal roommate behaviour.

He is pretty lax with his other friendships, but with her it was several texts a day, constant awareness of each others lives, and continuously arranging the next meet-up. He doesn't have any examples of other similar friendships.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 14/01/2024 10:29

CarrotyO · 11/01/2024 09:13

@Tilllly He says they split because they were more like roommates by the end. They were friends but not in love. He also says there was no trust between them. Because he was engaging in addictive behaviours and had lied about it too many times / not sorted the issue. Since he's been with me he has been engaging in support groups, seeing a therapist, working on himself, and is much more on a path of well-being and self-growth.

Seriously having read your update you would be better off leaving. Sounds like you'll be putting in the spadework and ex w wil benefit. He doesn't love you but loves what you're doing for him.

Zanatdy · 14/01/2024 10:29

I can understand why it upsets you and meeting weekly I totally think most women wouldn’t like this. But maybe they are just friends if that’s why their marriage ended. I’m still friendly with my ex (father or kids age 19 and 16) but since he got a new partner I don’t initiate contact unless I need to ask him something about DC but sometimes he will message saying I say this programme on Netflix I think you’d like and get into a text exchange. I can imagine his new partner might not like that but trust me I don’t want to get back with him. We started as friends and have always been better as friends but I do try and respect his relationship and keep contact to a minimum

Original poster

CarrotyO · 14/01/2024 10:35

They definitely weren't trying to keep contact to a minimum. It was always framed/understood by them as me being irrationally insecure as they were just friends.

OP posts:

WhatShallIDoToday · 14/01/2024 10:45

He would say that he thought it was ok because they were just friends.

It doesn't really matter what he says.

You only need to pay attention to how it makes you feel.

If this has been going on for two years, and youve had therapy because of it, it isn't going to get any better.

Ladyj84 · 14/01/2024 10:57

Weirdly in the street I live in there's 2 couples divorced but the best of friends no kids and always doing stuff together. Partners don't mind tho. But either way I wouldn't have got with anyone still married to someone anyhow at the beginning

ZebraD · 14/01/2024 23:01

I don’t really think it’s about being insecure as such. It’s just disrespectful in my opinion and almost like having two women on the go. You’re kinda thinking - why didn’t you just stay together if you’re that friendly and why do you need me if you have such good friendship from a woman you have slept with and knows you inside out. For me it’s a definite deal breaker, cut contact or I’m out. We are all different obviously but that’s me and where I would be at.

whiteroseredrose · 15/01/2024 10:51

Honestly, I'd back away.

I was going to agree with what @forrestgreen said, but even if he does promise to cut all contact, can you trust or believe him?

For my penny's worth my ex was still good friends with his uni GF. She split with him post university (for her best friend's boyfriend - gives you an idea what she was like). They still met up in groups and occasionally alone, because they were 'just like any other uni friends by then'.

I came along about 18 months later and wasn't happy about it. She made me uncomfortable. However I was told not to be silly. Long story short when ex and I had been together a couple of years she had some crisis. Ex went to see her and they slept together. She was distraught and needed comfort apparently.

So, no. I don't entirely believe people who once loved and lusted after each other when they say it would never happen.

Orio2023 · 15/01/2024 12:14

Sounds like his ex wife has the best of both worlds. She gets to enjoy his company without any of his bullshit and she doesn’t have to support him with his therapy because you’re doing that.

I agree with others that you should never have gotten involved with a married man who has addiction issues. I wouldn’t be surprised if they got back together.

MrsBrianMay · 20/01/2024 18:28

This reply has been deleted

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Ilovelurchers · 20/01/2024 18:52

I sympathise OP - my husband has a couple of exes he is still friends with - one a very close friend - she considers them best friends I believe, and she has told me before she "loves him, though of course not in the way I do."

I feel both of these women have been inappropriately flirtatious with him at various points, and tried to undermine my relationship with him. They especially resent the fact that both he and I have stopped drinking (they are both heavy drinkers, used to see him at the pub a lot etc).

Sadly I don't feel I can insist he never speaks to them again (though believe me I would like to). He has reduced the amount he meets up with them out of respect for my feelings, but yes I would definitely hugely prefer it if he cut them off completely. Though also I feel guilty for thinking this. So I am really not sure what the answer is, but you have my sympathy.

hottchocolate · 20/01/2024 19:01

It's odd that they're spending so much time together unless they really were friends but even then. Does she have a partner?

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