DP friends with ex-wife

[CarrotyO]

I've been with my DP almost 2 years. He's been separated from his exw about 4 years bu they always stayed friends. At the start of our relationship he was still married to exw and didn't see the need to divorce as "it's just a bit of paper". They were still very close - lots of texting conversations through the week, shared a car (it was her car but he had free parking so she parked the car at his place and he used it more often unless she wanted it, for example if she wanted to do something at the weekend she would take it), and met each other weekly to have dinner together and catch-up, or to go on nights out to the pub/bars with her and her DP.

I really struggled with their meet-ups because he had a habit of meeting with her and I would only find out afterwards, and often by accident because I had tried phoning and couldn't get through to him, despite asking him to be transparent and tell me in advance when he was meeting her.

I was very uncomfortable and pressured him to reduce contact and divorce. He has divorced now. It became a bit frosty between them during the divorce, and (slightly before the divorce) because he began to limit contact with her (for example, she had asked him to drive her and her cat to the vets, I was uncomfortable with it, he delayed in agreeing and she took a taxi instead).

The divorce was amicable and very straight forward as they have no DC, no shared property, no shared-finances etc. Things seem to have warmed up again now, they are texting each other to wish each other happy birthday, happy new year, sharing photos of their Christmas dinners with each other, giving each other updates on promotions at work, sharing youtube links to things she knows my DP is interested in. They have a long history (over 20 years together) and I think my DP would be happy to go back to weekly meet-ups with her if I wasn't so upset by this.

I feel like he is still attached to her. I want him to cut contact with her and focus on our relationship and building a relationship with me. I'm worried that even if we marry and have children he will still have a relationship with her. I don't want to be reminded of their long history together and want him to leave his past in the past.

You'll be fighting over this forever.

Give up and move on to someone more suitable.

Doesn’t sound like a great catch, he’s got addiction issues and went straight from a marriage into a relationship with you before the ink was even dry on his divorce papers. He sounds a bit dependent and unable to stand on his two feet. I agree with pp about not being his support human.

It’s always a red flag flag to me that someone can have the energy to strike up a new relationship without having the energy to file for divorce. Very messy situation.

The connection may die out between him and his ex but it may not. I was dating a divorcee once, he told me his ex had dropped off some birthday presents for him and there were some other things which showed he clearly regretted the fact she didn’t want to be with him anymore.

They didn’t even have kids together, there was no real reason for the continued contact with her and her whole family. I think she knew what she was doing too and enjoyed the attention. By hanging around it ensured he was never going to properly move on even though she did.

I realised I’d always be in her shadow so just cut my losses and ended things early. Several years later I stumbled upon one of his social media accounts, he’s now the godfather of her child and he has pictures of him and the kid plastered across his page - and yes he’s still very single. I’m convinced his ex could still have him back if she wanted! I definitely made the right decision to get out early!

Not divorced? I'd get rid. Major red flag with the secret meetings.

I wouldn't be bothered about still being friends with an ex - that woukd be hypocritical of me, as I'm friends with some of mine (though never married.) I would be bothered about not mentioning it up front and living and the addiction issues.

The person who said she is his new addiction is spot on. Addicts aren’t going to stop because other people ask, he needs to be ready to cut the cord and he clearly isn’t.
If he hadn’t become an addict then they’d probably be together today because she clearly enjoys the company of the man he is now - meets her for fun without having to deal with the worries that the partner of an addict has.

You mentioned wanting kids one day. He will definitely want to take your child to these meetings and will want to meet her child too. I think that he will want his child and her child to be friends because he is addicted.

I know it’s 2 years of the life but it’s not going to get better. Easier to leave now than later when you have a child who he takes to meet her during contact time.

I’d also be ok with this, it’s clear they are just friends. I’m assuming you’re jealous and insecure, that’s why you’re upset, and can’t accept that they could just be friends, you feel there is more to it and he’s lying.

I think trying to force him to end his friendship would cause resentment, and as such, end your relationship. But you can’t accept it. So I think the relationship will naturally end, I’m sorry.

What now? That’s barmy. A new addiction? They are friends with a long history, why does he need to cut the cord?

He's allowed to be friends with his ex wife, he's not doing anything wrong by doing so.

The person at fault here is you. You knew he had a good relationship with his ex right from the start of your relationship. If that's something you weren't comfortable with, then it was your responsibility to break up with him then. Instead you've let it drag on, and you're still in the same situation now.

It does feel like he has an addiction to her.

I've discussed this with him and said that I think we want different things and aren't suited to each other due to this. But he disagrees and says he doesn't want to lose me. He has changed a lot because at the beginning it was car sharing / regular meetups / still married. Whereas now they are divorced and are messaging each other on special occasions - I don't understand what the point / purpose is in keeping this relationship going given how detrimental it is to our relationship.

You aren’t compatible.

He still loves his ex like a friend and wants to see her regularly. That’s rather nice, really. If I were dating someone who wanted me to cut off one of my close friends, I’d not be best pleased.

But it’s not compatible with being in an exclusive relationship with you. For you, his relationship with his ex will be an emotional affair.

I’d cut your losses.

It sounds like you were the other woman has you said you meet him and he was married. Why go down that road.
Not all divorces or break ups end on bad terms alot of men an women stay on good terms afterwards.
Plus you knew what he was like in the first place its just how some people are.
You do come across a bit jealous because he stayed on good terms with her.
If it upsets you that much then you need to leave.

I know a few people that are good mates with their exs not everyone cuts everyone off in life.
I know one couple that the new wife became the ex wifes best mate.
Some dont work with marriage but work well as mates.

@CarrotyO - don't understand what the point / purpose is in keeping this relationship going

Because they like each other and enjoy each other’s company. They are mates. As a marriage it didn’t work, as a friendship it does.

My brother and his first wife were an absolute catastrophe as a couple. They’re fantastic as mates. Supportive, have a laugh, can enjoy each other’s company.

I’m still good friends with my ex and we often help each each other out with lifts, feeding cats when the other is away etc. Slightly different as we share a DS who was 11 when we split and is now almost 19 but because we worked together closely to co parent, even though my DS is an adult - sort of - we are still amicable. We stopped working as a couple but still get on as friends.

The last guy I dated hated it - thought we should have no contact apart from discussing DS.

It wouldn’t worry me at all but it obviously worries you so you need to decide if it’s a deal breaker going forward.

She's his replacement addiction

If you were his number one he would realise just how upsetting it is for you to watch him and his ex on the sidelines and cut contact. It’s that simple. You shouldn’t have to ask. I wouldn’t even want to give an ultimatum, it’s just an expectation. talk is cheap.

This could be someone talking about my ex in two years time. We still chat regularly, share links/videos with each other that we'll find funny, meet up for dinner now and then (with the kids). There's absolutely nothing romantic between us; there was nothing sexual for the last couple of years of the relationship, let alone now or in future. You do sound quite insecure to me, she isn't a threat, but then it does depend on the relationship you want. If it isn't working for you, end it.

If you were a man who was trying to stop his partner from being friends with her ex and had made her get a divorce you'd be called controlling.

You aren't compatible, that's the bottom line. He wants to be friends with his ex and you don't want him to.

I wouldn't like this, Have I read your OP correctly.. He will meet with ex and her new partner for drinks? What does her partner think of it all?

I was waiting for the bit where you said they have kids together. They sound like they are still happily married! I couldn't cope with that at all.

Well he’s still engaging in addictive behaviours - to his ex, and lying about it by omission (not telling you).

So he’s addicted to both of you and can’t give either up.

Actions speak louder than words. If your really were his first priority he was cut contact with her.

That. A friend of mine and her ex divorced, not because they didn't like each other, but because the lights went out, and they recognised that they'd just married too young, and marriage should be about more.

They've remained good friends, she became friends with his new partner, and was invited to their wedding where she was part of the wedding party.

So the ex in this OP really doesn't need to be a threat, but if she's leaning on him too much for favours and personal stuff, it's perfectly reasonable for you to challenge that.

He has changed a lot because at the beginning it was car sharing / regular meetups / still married. Whereas now they are divorced and are messaging each other on special occasions -

So he has listened to you and he has reduced the contact considerably. Messaging on special occasions? I see absolutely nothing wrong with that, after an amicable divorce.

This is your issue, and if it's a deal breaker for you, then it is and you have a right to leave. But personally I don't think that messaging her on birthdays etc is remotely unreasonable, given that he's reduced his involvement with her considerably.

I think you need to be transparent. You're not accusing him of having an affair. But you're unhappy with his best friend being his exw.

If it's a deal breaker you have to tell him. He won't give up this 'have cake and eat it ' fun.

I've thought it over but there are three of us in this relationship and I can't deal with it. I thought after your divorce you'd actually separate your life. But you were right it was just a piece of paper and nothing changed. I don't want to be in a relationship where my partner is best friends with his exw. So I need you to take some time and decide where your future lies. But this is an all or nothing nothing thing. If you choose me then there can't be secret texts and meet-ups.

So you knew the situation when you met him. They are friends. You Dated him and got in a serious relationship with him. Then started telling him you weren't happy with it. He reduced contact and got divorced as you requested him to.

But now he hasnt reduced it enough. You will only be happy if he cuts her off completely? Not even happy with occasional texts?

I think you are out of order tbh. I wouldn't have been comfortable with it. But I wouldn't have dated him and then tried to force him to change. Or force him to cut someone off he didn't want to. Or start claiming things like if he doesn't cut her off he is picking her over me.

Right or wrong, you know who he is and what the situation is. You can just leave if you arent happy.