2nd date too soon to sleep with him?

[Tiddlywink222]

I’m normally very sure of myself with this sort of stuff but been out of the dating game for a while!

Met a guy on OLD in December. Chatted a lot. Had a phone call before meeting for over an hour - all good. No red flags.

Met IRL just before Christmas. I live quite far away from him, he offered to pay for my train fare and hotel if it meant we could be more relaxed in the evening and not worry about missing my last train back. Sorted that, all fine, 5* hotel… made it clear there were no expectations and all under my name. We had drinks and then dinner at a very nice restaurant. Got on really well, really relaxed and fun. I haven’t dated anyone seriously for nearly two years as I was heartbroken after my last relationship and this is the first time I’ve actually felt a bit of a spark with someone else since.

He stayed with me in the end as it got late, but we didn’t have sex and he didn’t push it. Kissed a lot, stayed PG 😅 Had breakfast together, he made sure I got home safely. All fine.
I think it should have felt too much quite early on but it didn’t at all, weirdly. I offered for him to stay he wasn’t pushy about it.

He went on holiday straight after Christmas and has messaged me every day, not in a weird intense way just general chit chat, flirty but not overtly sexual. He’s made it clear he’s interested and wants to see me again.

This weekend we’re supposed to meet up for a second date. It’s clear we had a lot of chemistry previously and tbh I want to sleep with him but worried second date is too soon, despite talking for over a month now, and quite a lot of investment both sides given distance. I imagine he’d be happy getting me somewhere to stay again.

I wouldn’t sleep with him unless things were exclusive but I feel it’s too early to ‘insist’ on that without it coming across like I’m pushing for something really serious. I’m not, I just don’t sleep with people casually.

Thoughts? I’m worried I’m overthinking this. I don’t get the impression he’s out to use me, but I feel like I’m out of practice and don’t want to be naive.

You've said you were heartbroken after your last relationship ended, and would want exclusivity if you slept with this man.

Those two things ring warning bells for you to wait. You don't sound like the type of person who can have a shag and happily walk away if it doesn't work out.

Not sure why you've started off with going to hotels so early. Just drive to meet him and go home. If you need a drink to relax in his company it's not right is it? You need to spend time with him in the daylight, sober with no expectations.

But by the sounds of it you're going to jump in feet first. I just hope you don't regret it later. He may be 'the one' he may be 'the one you shagged and never saw again'. If you can emotionally handle either of those situations do what you like. If you know you can't, then don't.

would never want a man I didn’t know to pay for my travel, hotel etc! would avoid knowingly starting a long distance relationship too.

You can ask during the date if he's dating anyone else at the moment you're just curious or not

Also how devastated would you be if you slept with him and then it didn't work out or he didnt become a bf? If you could chalk it up to a fun time then that's fine, if you'll start crying and feel you've been used for sex or something then don't do it yet

It's up to you but this would make me feel like a hooker. I dated a guy like this once, paid for everything even to fly to Vegas when he was working there for a couple of weeks. He turned out to be married. Why can't you go to his house rather than a hotel?

What 90 day rule?

A woman does not have to be starved of sex for 3 months to prove anything. If the man (or woman for the matter) feels that nothing is progressing, they may well move on. And what if you wait a long time and then found out you are not sexually compatible, (no oral, only wham bam etc) what a waste!

All of this. Why not just drive there & home in the same day? Surely you won't be at dinner until the middle of the night.

What distance is it?

Longer than my electric car could do on one charge, and I don’t want the stress of worrying about missing the last train which is relatively early to my destination. I did offer to get the train over for lunch but we both preferred to do an evening thing. I don’t have to do the journey and back on one go, and don’t have to stress about trains.

it’s not that I need a drink to relax around him at all, more it’s nice to not worry about wine with dinner.

in terms of long distance, I used to live where he does and will be moving back. So not totally nonsensical from that perspective.

I slept with DP on 1st date. What meant to just be an afternoon paying board games in a cafe........I ended up going home the following afternoon. We've been together 2 years

I don't think there's a too soon same as not soon enough. It depends on how you both feel

Yeah I kind of feel like making a big show of ‘holding off’ might seem a bit contrived given how natural and easy things have been so far.

I will say about exclusivity. I’m fairly sure I could handle it if he ghosted. It’s more even if we carry on seeing each other, he thought it was too easy and stops putting any effort in. You only get one chance to do this first bit, and while I’m fairly confident it would be fine it’s just been a while since I dated and have been thinking about it a lot I suppose!

You don’t need to make a big show of anything, just arrange to have your second date be something other than a dinner that ends in a hotel - suggest a walk and a lunch, so that there is a natural and easy end to the date that isn’t bed! Then you’ve clocked up a little more real life knowledge of each other and you’re less likely to be hurt.

‘In time’, you’re expecting him to stick around then? Optimistic of you.
Having them travel to you doesn’t mean you planning the date. I’m sure he’s capable of googling. You’re making life very easy for him and this is where women go wrong in dating. They make it too easy. Travelling to men, being too available by text and phone, sleeping with them when there is zero effort on his part. Then they wonder why they’re humped and dumped or worse they’re married to some arsehole that lets her run round with the kids doing everything while he plays golf and forgets her birthday

The amount of hurt if things don’t work out is not related to whether or not you’ve had sex.

I would agree with this. Just my opinion but the whole dinner and a hotel seems very formal and pressurised for so early.

Maybe do a daytime more casual date next time where you can talk in a more relaxed setting and things evolve naturally.

@StarlightLady maybe not for you but it has been for me.

Not the OP’s words but lol at the comment about anyone not wanting to be wooed like a 50’s housewife as living in a fantasy world

@SamW98 as opposed to being dated like something he’s ordered off uber eats

There’s a happy medium of equal give and take which most of us manage to find quite easily. And we’re all living in the real world funnily enough

I (m) was dating around up until about seven years ago.
One girl waited until the third date in all that time. For all the rest, it was the first or second date and usually the first.

‘Expecting him to stick around’

yes so optimistic that I would think this man might be interested in me at all. According to you I’m being too easy and according to others I’m being an entitled, gold-digging prostitute 😂 it’s all rather crazy.

I think it sounds like you really don't want to have sex on date number 2. Too many risks in it for you. I agree that it's different for men. It's plain old biology that makes it so. Bide your time. It clearly doesn't feel right now or you wouldn't be asking the question in the first place. Don't get steamrollered into something that you are not sure of. It doesn't matter what anyone else on here would or wouldn't do, it's your choice, your body, your emotions, your decision.

As early as possible for me, as long as I feel sexual chemistry with them - just in case the sex is rubbish, at least you're not too committed!

And l bet the girl who waited had no additional benefit in the end. Good sex is healthy regardless if you are woman or man.

I am glad she waited until she was comfortable though. There is no benefit in rushing yourself nor holding yourself back.

I slept with my now partner same day meeting him. Been together 7 years and 2 babas