2nd date too soon to sleep with him?

[Tiddlywink222]

I’m normally very sure of myself with this sort of stuff but been out of the dating game for a while!

Met a guy on OLD in December. Chatted a lot. Had a phone call before meeting for over an hour - all good. No red flags.

Met IRL just before Christmas. I live quite far away from him, he offered to pay for my train fare and hotel if it meant we could be more relaxed in the evening and not worry about missing my last train back. Sorted that, all fine, 5* hotel… made it clear there were no expectations and all under my name. We had drinks and then dinner at a very nice restaurant. Got on really well, really relaxed and fun. I haven’t dated anyone seriously for nearly two years as I was heartbroken after my last relationship and this is the first time I’ve actually felt a bit of a spark with someone else since.

He stayed with me in the end as it got late, but we didn’t have sex and he didn’t push it. Kissed a lot, stayed PG 😅 Had breakfast together, he made sure I got home safely. All fine.
I think it should have felt too much quite early on but it didn’t at all, weirdly. I offered for him to stay he wasn’t pushy about it.

He went on holiday straight after Christmas and has messaged me every day, not in a weird intense way just general chit chat, flirty but not overtly sexual. He’s made it clear he’s interested and wants to see me again.

This weekend we’re supposed to meet up for a second date. It’s clear we had a lot of chemistry previously and tbh I want to sleep with him but worried second date is too soon, despite talking for over a month now, and quite a lot of investment both sides given distance. I imagine he’d be happy getting me somewhere to stay again.

I wouldn’t sleep with him unless things were exclusive but I feel it’s too early to ‘insist’ on that without it coming across like I’m pushing for something really serious. I’m not, I just don’t sleep with people casually.

Thoughts? I’m worried I’m overthinking this. I don’t get the impression he’s out to use me, but I feel like I’m out of practice and don’t want to be naive.

I slept with my partner on the first date.

Well no op. You can make him schlep to you. You are making a decision to go there. Expecting him to pay for your time, which is what this boils down to, based on a choice you make, is just odd.

andto keep referring it back to babies. If you’re worried about pregnancy or so utterly focused on it as you appear to be, then do not have sex. He doesn’t have to pay because you’re worried about pregnancy

and no the ultimate aim of no relationship should be children. It should be a joint decision. A part of a wider picture.

are you desperate to have a baby? Is that it? You want to find someone to father a child and support you? I can’t for the life of me work out why else you are continually going on about babies in the context of will you shag a man you’ve met once.

See, as a man, if I asked a woman out and they did all that, then I'd assume that they wanted to do it because they wanted to meet me, and wanted to do it in my location. I'd happily meet somewhere in the middle, or head to her location etc, but I certainly wouldn't pay for her to stay in a hotel. Even without me expecting sex, paying for a dates hotel room would make me feel grubby, and would not give me a good impression of the woman involved. I've no desire to go out with a woman who thinks I should pay for everything just because she's female. I'd see that as a huge stonking red flag.

See, I think a man inviting ME out on a date and then expecting me to facilitate that for him with more effort on my side, is a ‘huge stonking red flag’.

But each to their own.

No, I used that as an example as to why it’s a fallacy to pretend everything is ‘equal’ because due to the fundamental basics of biology, it isn’t, and yet everything else is apparently supposed to be 50:50.

I don’t want a baby right now and the comment had nothing to do with this guy but in the context of the wider debate, which is pretty clear.

Crack on then with accepting a man paying for your travel and a hotel room for date 1.

a man inviting ME out on a date and then expecting me to facilitate that for him with more effort on my side

Everything isn't equal if you live in the arse end of nowhere and want to go on dates in fancy places, no. It's going to entail more effort on your side if you accept an invitation that is miles away, and yes as a grown woman you kind of need to work out how you're going to get to places and get home under your own steam, and the effort of that is a bit of a given, until you move.

But this still has nothing to do with how many dates you should have under your belt before you sleep with him, other than the fact that the more five star hotel stays he pays for, the more on the back foot and in his pocket you are. And I know you feel that women giving birth to babies makes inequality impossible, but having them with someone who has got you on the hook financially isn't going to help you with that. It just makes you even more dependant should the shit hit the fan.

I think you're getting a very hard time op. You obviously like him, he likes you and seems willing to go out of his way to make sure you're comfortable etc. If you like him, go for it but be upfront. Men appreciate that.

Thank you, I appreciate that, and yes I’ve been pretty shocked by some of the replies.

he’s been away and unwell until earlier this week so although we’ve been in touch via text, we hadn’t spoken for a while so I think I just got in my head about it.

he’s made reservations for dinner tonight so he called me to chat about plans for accommodation, and he said he thought I’d come to his house this time if that was easier (so no, nothing to hide there…) but if I wasn’t comfortable enough he’d be equally perfectly happy to sort out a hotel. So I said I’d have a think and spoke to my guy friends about it and they said rather than it looking ‘princessy’ to ask for the hotel it looks more presumptuous to go to his, and maybe a bit familiar given I’d have to shower and get ready for dinner with him there. I’d feel happier about my own space so I can be more relaxed before dinner.

He was more than fine about it and just sorted it within five mins, and said he just wants me to be comfortable.

so I feel really reassured about the whole thing generally and going to see how this evening goes and not overthink.

for me personally, rather than it being entitled and ‘grabby’, I appreciate that he’s demonstrated he’s competent enough to be successful and stable but also generous and happy to share that to ensure I’m comfortable. I also think when someone makes a genuine offer, it’s gracious to gratefully accept. So I’ve just been very bemused by the replies on here 😅

OP, I'm much older than you and VERY successful at dating (perhaps not at keeping them very long term but the first few years I can literally get any man)

I believe they have to pay for dinner etc BUT getting them to pay for an hotel is too much and looks grabby and honestly not classy.

The best way to do this would have been him to come to a place near you and HIM staying and paying for a hotel (a guy flew from Germany to see me when we met OLD and we had dinner and I didn't feel it and he stayed in a hotel)

Many mumsnetters are very wise women who have dated probably more than you and have seen all sorts (including me, unfortunately)

Let's see what happens with this guy and I hope it's a happily ever after story but him paying for a hotel is simply unusual (and I've always dated wealthy men who could afford an hotel room).

This thread is insane. I think some posters might be a bit jealous that you're having fun with a nice, new man and there's a potential shag on the horizon. These early days are exciting and fun! Enjoy it and let things progress organically.

Ignore the 'self respecting woman' remarks. Bitter batshittery.

I would.

I would also add that this thread is a perfect example of how people will be contrary on MN regardless of the situation. If you'd come on saying he didn't want to pay for anything, people would have said he's tight and how it's a red flag and how you're a mug to consider sleeping with someone who makes no effort.

As it is he's going out of his way to make you feel comfortable and make the evening as straightforward as possible. So naturally this makes you grabby and princessy.

People are very jealous op so please take no notice and enjoy your evening, I hope you'll be back to update us!

I have done this before on two occasions, both second dates and they travelled to me and got a hotel.

Both of them expected me to organise the restaurant because it was ‘my neck of the woods’. One also stayed two nights and so I felt pressured into also spending time with him the next day. I actually found that experience worse rather than the guy just organising everything which is what I prefer. I think whoever is paying should ultimately pick the restaurant and I just found it stressful.

I think it would have been far less classy and way more presumptuous to turn up at his for this second date. Rather than being ‘grabby’, I made it very clear how appreciative I was that he was willing to ensure I was happy / comfortable, and he was happy he got to do that. I don’t act as I I’m entitled to it. Again, he offered and if he hadn’t I would never have insisted.

Thank you x

I’ll see if I’m brave enough to give the update 😂

I slept with my current partner on the second date.

Developing emotional intimacy is more important. Finding out whether he is dating other people, what his values and beliefs are, and what his hopes, ambitions and fears are, is more important than whether or not you have sex. I get the impression that paying for the hotel is not such a big deal because he can afford it easily. It's natural to be willing to spend if he is investing in his future happiness and wife.

Yes I agree.

Oh please do come back and give us all the goss!! 😍

@Bobbotgegrinch so you're a 50-50 guy, some women don't want this. A guy who is financially successful and capable, using his money to make his date's or girlfriend's life easier and more comfortable is sexy and shows her he can look after her and cares about her comfort.

If he is a rich guy there are escorts who cost 1k or more for a few hours, a £150 hotel room and £50 train fair isn't paying for sex when a guy is rich enough and respectful enough. It's the penny pinching dusties that want a 'payback'

Agreed, far easier and cheaper for him to just get an escort if that’s what he wanted. I’m more impressed by his attitude towards making sure I’m happy with stuff and just sorting it without an issue rather than the actual amount he’s spent on hotels and dinner.

No, not really. I'd happily pay for dinner on a first date. I've paid for weekends away a few months into dating, paid for festival tickets for me and DP when we'd only been going out for a month, because she couldn't afford it and I really wanted to go with her.

It's specifically the idea of paying for a hotel for the other persons use that squicks me out. Given two scenarios:

a. Meet a girl on Tinder, both interested in casual sex but nothing more. Live with our parents so I pay for a hotel for the night.

b. The OPs scenario, meet a girl I like, see a future, she comes to my town for first date, I pay for hotel for her to stay in.

Somehow, I'd feel less grubby about scenario a. I'd happily tell my friends about scenario A, I don't know if I'd be happy to tell them about scenario B.

Even if my intentions are noble and I'm definitely not going to go up to the room, I'm assuming that anyone who hears about is going to assume that's what I'm angling for.

At least everyone is on the same page in scenario A. Yes, one of us may get cold feet and decide it's not going ahead, but at least both sides know the intention is for us to have sex.

Somehow, scenario B feels more transactional to me even though objectively it's not. Scenario A is "We want to have sex, so I'm going to pay this money to a third party in order that we have a place to do so"
Scenario B feels like "I'm going to flash my cash in the hope that it's makes the other party want a shag"

I'll accept that it's not logical, that it's subjective, but the idea still gives me the ick.

I still don't understand why you can't pay for your own hotel room, if you need one.

I think you're uneasy with it because you know it's not really on to have one party shell out for a hotel twice. If it was the other way around, you'd be appalled. I think you need to ask yourself how you will feel if after you sleep with him he is no longer interested in seeing you again and/or the lavish spending stops, which it will. If I were him I would be wondering if you are expecting him to pay for everything forever, and thinking less of you for not discussing this properly. It's a bit odd that you haven't thought about this. I'd just be ready for a complete change in his attitude once you've slept together.