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Relationships

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Original poster

Everything I say seems to annoy partner?

57 replies

sophiebrooks123 · 09/01/2024 19:14

Wondering if anyone has been in a similar position lately - my husband will come home from work and seems to always have a sarcastic tone to his voice, but if I ask if anything is wrong I am met with "no baaaaaaaaabe" (eyeroll) I ask how his day is and he says "fine"
It's like everything I do annoys him - everything I ask for/want he says I am complaining (I asked whether the light on the new photo frame was automatic last night, (as I can't sleep with the light on)) and he replied that I have "something to say about everything?".

I done a wee with the door pushed shut (but not actually shut) and came back in and he said "can I shut the door it sounded like I was weeing on the floor" (OK for him to "complain?") but when I ask for a kiss goodnight (I said remember when we used to kiss goodnight lol) and he says I am "complaining" - I simply try to explain that every question or want/need I have shouldn't be seen as a complaint. He wants things from me that I would enjoy providing him with eg meals.

He comes home from work and after we eat dinner (with minimal conversation) he just sits in front of the TV and doesn't speak to me for 3-4 hours. Its really hard for me not to ask if he is ok/if anything is wrong. Maybe I am too much but my previous relationships would engage in conversation with me/make me feel seen - didn't necessarily mean we had to talk 24/7 - its really hard to explain.

Any suggestions?! If I ask him if everything is OK he will say I am starting an argument again so I really feel stuck/catch 22

OP posts:

Epidote · 11/01/2024 07:11

Are you strong enough to do the same to him? Ignore him and if he wants your attention act like if he were a nuisance?

Give him some of his own medicine?

If not, just ignore him and start doing your life. It wouldn't heart to start to think in split, he is being nasty on purpose, he knows what he is doing.

You don't have to live with someone who act as he despise you.

SpringleDingle · 11/01/2024 07:27

My exH turned into this. I was just an annoyance and nothing I did made him
happy ever. He was surprised when I asked for a divorce but I’d honestly assumed he hated me for years…. Maybe he did, he just liked having a maid. Anyway I was and am much happier without him and who cares how he feels about it, he never cared how I felt about anything!
Happily 5 years divorced!

Original poster

sophiebrooks123 · 11/01/2024 15:36

Burntouted · 11/01/2024 03:42

The relationship has run its course. The both of you seem to annoy one another and complain a lot. Your expectations of him are too high, and you are comparing him to the experiences of your previous relationship and partner.

The way that both of you are towards one another is abusive and inconsiderate.

The relationship is fizzling out. I think it's probably because the both of you are incompatible. The novelty, excitement, and newness of the relationship and each other has "worn" off.

You want a more emotionally present and responsive partner.

He wants a less emotionally charged and less responsive partner.

You seem to not be able to accept him as a whole. His decompression methods, you don't accept, his answers you don't accept because they're short, and percise..and you want longer. He feels like you create problems when there aren't any. You feel the same towards him. You both feel unseen and unheard by the other. You are uncomfortable in silence, so you perhaps unintentionally and/or intentionally do things to get verbal feedback good, indifferent or bad..in hopes of feeling the void, the atmosphere..

He does things unintentionally and/or perhaps intentionally to hopefully get back to the silence and state that he is perhaps most comfortable in.

In other words, you do things in hopes of opening him up and he does things to close himself off, and anger you in hopes of you shutting down.

Neither one of you are interested in the relationship anymore and seem both to be unavailable and checked out.

He doesn't want to "force" things he may not be feeling, and pretend..which is why you're denied of kisses, and other things.

Things aren't going to return to a previous state.
It's over. These things happen.

End things. Both of you are just incompatible and best suited for other people.

I'm sorry.

Edited

@Burntouted The relationship has run its course. The both of you seem to annoy one another and complain a lot. Your expectations of him are too high, and you are comparing him to the experiences of your previous relationship and partner. Can you explain how my expectations are too high? Correct I probably am comparing him to my ex who was a lot more emotionally available

You want a more emotionally present and responsive partner. Is this unusual/too much to want?

He wants to come home from work, and decompress in front of the tv and recharge the rest of the night in mostly silence. He doesn't want constant engagement from you, and/or possibly from others. After his busy day full of noise, chaos and interaction, he seeks refuge, comfort, and relief in his home.Correct I feel like he does. But by sitting in silence all evening I feel my needs aren’t getting met eg I would like more engagement, interest even if for 30 minutes or so.

are there any ways we can feel more seen and heard by the other? i often ask myself why do arguments start of an evening and ur right maybe its because some conversation is better than none for me, which is a awful place to be in. i dont know how to address that, by asking if we could have 30 mins of conversation each night? everytime i try and talk its like what do u wanna talk about now babe.. :/

He does things unintentionally and/or perhaps intentionally to hopefully get back to the silence and state that he is perhaps most comfortable in. Its also hard seeing him so happy go lucky and chatty around friends and family and totally quiet and in himself around me

In other words, you do things in hopes of opening him up and he does things to close himself off, and anger you in hopes of you shutting down. Shouldn’t we be reflecting more on what the other person wants/needs?

Neither one of you are interested in the relationship anymore and seem both to be unavailable and checked out.Then why not sit down and have a adult conversation, I asked if he is checked out and he rolled his eyes again and said no baabbeeee

OP posts:

Original poster

sophiebrooks123 · 11/01/2024 15:37

Epidote · 11/01/2024 07:11

Are you strong enough to do the same to him? Ignore him and if he wants your attention act like if he were a nuisance?

Give him some of his own medicine?

If not, just ignore him and start doing your life. It wouldn't heart to start to think in split, he is being nasty on purpose, he knows what he is doing.

You don't have to live with someone who act as he despise you.

@Epidote I have done in the past actually and he does act whats up babe, like he knows something is wrong and giggles about it. I should make him think he is going mad and say nothing. yesterday he came home fully engaged asking me how my day was and said thanks for dinner and made a real effort - which proves to me even more like the bad days are on purpose and he is capable of being engaging if he want too.. confusing.

OP posts:

Original poster

sophiebrooks123 · 11/01/2024 15:45

EarthSight · 09/01/2024 21:21

I know :(

OP, I think you don't want to label him anything because you are a nicer person than he is, and fairness is probably more important to you than it is to him. You probably want to stick closely to reality, to the truth of what's going on, whereas he or other people with selfish intentions just want to ensure they get what they want.....which often means not being fair, and not being truthful.

It is really hard to explain to someone that you feel they have contempt/no respect for you

Yes. The recipient of such behaviour just wants to sort things out, to talk openly so it can stop, but the other person usually will just deny it. For some reason, despite being with someone they seemingly don't respect, they're quite happy with the way things are.

It's hard because you probably won't get the closure you really want from them. That's why it's so fucked up, gaslighty and confusing - you can't even have an acknowledgment from them that was is happening, is actually happening. Worse, not only will they deny it, but they will double down by calling you crazy. They don't want to be called out on their behaviour, and so will pull the rug from under your feet. Manipulative people know when they're with a good and fair person, so will use tactics like calling the other person crazy, saying the other person is being nasty or mean in order to get them to doubt their own conduct or state of mind, knowing the other person will actually care about that.

Some people enjoy mean mean to others, feeling dominant, feeling like they are your superior. It suits them just fine. Yes I do think that he wants you to accept the bare minimum, he wants to be the superior one, and it's simply annoying for him when you try to advocate for yourself and call him out on his behaviour.

He probably won't end the relationship - such men are more likely to wait until another woman comes along before doing so, or, he'll cheat and still have you at home so he can have his cake & eat it.

The reason I'd get out at well is that this disrespect might eventually manifest in your sex life. It might not have yet, but that might be because it hasn't been put to the test. As soon as he wants something bad enough, but you don't, then that will be the real test.

I agree, some things he says I prove outright to be wrong, like he will say I only ask about one aspect of his business, then I remind him that yesterday I asked about the other, OR he will say I always complain about seeing his friends then I remind him the 5 times recently I was happy to see them… point being he verges of reality

I had a relationship like this many years ago too and the hardest thing is not to get closure. I know his ex constantly called him mean, but he never thought he was. He calls me crazy when he pushes to get a reaction out of me, then I over react or I am crazy. It takes everything in me NOT to react.

He believes there should be 1 leader in a relationship (him) so superiority would be a reward for him. I think this is why things started to go wrong, because I did start calling him out, we would probably have a great relationship if I shut my mouth or didn’t call him out on anything, or didnt have my own opinions. Any opinion that differs to his is seen as me creating a problem or complaining/making life difficult i feel.

OP posts:

Hatty65 · 11/01/2024 15:45

He won't get any better, OP. Make an appointment with a solicitor and get yourself organised. Then tell him you are ending the relationship.

You'll be much happier without him.

Burntouted · 11/01/2024 17:47

Your expectations of him are too high because you want him to become something that he's genuinely not, perhaps never been. You want him to measure up to your ex, when he is his own person. He isn't your ex.

Comparing him to your ex, especially if you bring it up to him...makes things worse.

Perhaps that's why he's not being what he's capable of being in the relationship..because you keep comparing and holding him up to the standards of your ex. He may feel that maybe you aren't over your ex..

I just think everything has fizzled out between you two, and neither has initiated ending things...so the both of you just complain and argue, instead of ending things.

Perhaps if you two can't have a sit down conversation about this...just pack your things, and leave when he's not there.. send him a text or something when you're halfway to the new destination or completely.

Your needs aren't being met. Neither of you aren't into the relationship nor seemingly each other anymore....and that's okay..

It's time to go. Don't continue to live unhappily.

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