Everything I say seems to annoy partner?

[sophiebrooks123]

Wondering if anyone has been in a similar position lately - my husband will come home from work and seems to always have a sarcastic tone to his voice, but if I ask if anything is wrong I am met with "no baaaaaaaaabe" (eyeroll) I ask how his day is and he says "fine"
It's like everything I do annoys him - everything I ask for/want he says I am complaining (I asked whether the light on the new photo frame was automatic last night, (as I can't sleep with the light on)) and he replied that I have "something to say about everything?".

I done a wee with the door pushed shut (but not actually shut) and came back in and he said "can I shut the door it sounded like I was weeing on the floor" (OK for him to "complain?") but when I ask for a kiss goodnight (I said remember when we used to kiss goodnight lol) and he says I am "complaining" - I simply try to explain that every question or want/need I have shouldn't be seen as a complaint. He wants things from me that I would enjoy providing him with eg meals.

He comes home from work and after we eat dinner (with minimal conversation) he just sits in front of the TV and doesn't speak to me for 3-4 hours. Its really hard for me not to ask if he is ok/if anything is wrong. Maybe I am too much but my previous relationships would engage in conversation with me/make me feel seen - didn't necessarily mean we had to talk 24/7 - its really hard to explain.

Any suggestions?! If I ask him if everything is OK he will say I am starting an argument again so I really feel stuck/catch 22

It sounds like he doesn't like you very much and it's worth asking him whether that is the case directly.

For it to descend into an argument you need to argue back so listen to what he's saying & feel free to go away and think about how the interaction went before you respond. You can always pick up the discussion again if you don't get the response or answer you want / need.

I have also asked him this (and said it feels like this) and he rolls his eyes and says things like "can you hear yourself, that I don't like me very much"

I’m so sorry, I don’t want to worry you but in my experience this is how men act when they’re having an affair. They stop seeing any good in you and demonise you, in order to justify their actions to themselves. I never thought there was another woman, I’d put it down to stress at work. But it’s happened in two relationships and both times that’s what it turned out to be. For now, just be very wary and keep your eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary.

Sorry op but when I was like that with partners/they were like that with me it was some element missing and I was losing feelings for them.

Wow - you are sitting there all evening while he ignores you, worried to ask him if anything's wrong, and worried that anything you say is going to annoy him? This is no relationship.

Oh honey this relationship is over.
Hes only staying until something else comes along. Or because he likes having a cook amd housemaid. But make no mistakes, you're just the help, you're not allowed to have an opinion in this household.

I'm sorry dearie, but you need to leave the bastard. Like, yesterday.

He treats you with contempt because he views you with contempt. It's not a marriage. It's a prison. I hope you don't have children seeing you treated this way by him.

Please find a way to escape this horrible man.
You are not the problem. He is. And you can't change him. But you can change the life you will lead going forwards by getting free of a bully if a man who has entrapped you. Break your chains and fly free.

It sounds as if he has checked out of the relationship for some reason.

I'd do some snooping if I were you.

How long have you been together? Any children?

He says he is just relaxing? and I come away feeling like I am too much

Sounds like he has the ick.

It really doesn't sound like you are too much. It isn't too much to expect kindness, conversation and a bit of attention from the man who's supposed to love you.

@AllProperTeaIsTheft @mathanxiety @Pinkbonbon Thanks. It is really hard to keep my mouth shut when I am hurting, because I will be accused of starting an argument. I don't really know where to go with how I am feeling - do most couples sit in silence? I don't know if I am over reacting. I guess the sarcasm doesn't help. We have been arguing a lot lately, maybe some damage has been done, but I think just sitting in silence never resolves anything. He will say I 'constantly have to have attention' if I want to have a conversation during the evening while hes watching TV, or make me feel like I am annoying him. I know him and his ex of 6 years broke up because she felt there wasn't a connection anymore; so I am wondering if this is repeat behaviour. I don't want it to get to that; but I feel like I can't speak to him without him accusing me of starting an argument. @tomatoontoast thanks I will reflect on his response, but his response will be similar to eye rolling or that he doesn't want to have the conversation.

Forget whether or not he still likes you OP. The question is do YOU still like HIM when he's behaving like this? Because he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be in a relationship with.

Time to leave. He sounds horrible.

This man has contempt for you, op, and the relationship is over.

He's a nasty, abusive twat who you should leave immediately. None of this is going to be getting better, so I hope you have the ability to get away from him quickly.

I'm sorry to say it sounds as if he doesn't love you any more, and is arsehole enough to take that out on you. He may or may not already have someone else already.

Any suggestions?

Yes - end it. I'm sorry OP, but he has contempt for you. He is not on your side at all, as as far as I'm concerned, he is using you for something you're not aware of.

He won't admit that because that would lead to some kind of consequence or action that he doesn't want. He wanted to carry on being with you, but also carry on being nasty to you and leave you sad, on edge, and guessing all the time.

Objectively, you know what his behaviour means, but because he's being dishonest to your face about it, you need to come on Mumsnet for some clarity as you're confused.

If you carry on being with him, you will end up being further confused, or accepting what you have now as just normal when it's not. Next, he'll be calling you 'crazy' or some similar bullshit designed to get you to doubt your own mind.

The most difficult part will be having enough confidence in yourself to end it and resist the gaslighty nonsense when you do, or to remain sceptical of the radical (but temporary) change of behaviour he'll adopt to get you to stay.

he just sits in front of the TV and doesn't speak to me for 3-4 hours

It's just sad reading this. Reminds me of aspects of my own past relationship.

wow thanks for this, although it's really hard to read :( @EarthSight he has in fact already called me crazy in arguments. I don't want to label him anything; I know a lot of the time it takes two to tango and I have not by any means been perfect in arguments either. It is really hard to explain to someone that you feel they have contempt/no respect for you. They don't want to know. It blows my mind that you said he is not on my side, as I constantly feel he isn't. Little things like his dog weed on the floor and I mentioned it to him simply looking for a thank you for cleaning it up; and his immediate response is "well did you empty his water bowl; but you let him out before you went out; why didn't you feed him" I know this is a bad example, but it shows how he goes against me with the tiniest things; it feels like he is never on my team. I have no idea what he could be using me for; housemaid maybe; sexual side; no ideal; but it has crossed my mind. I said just last night that not every want or need I have is a complaint and he replied well you have too many of those (I was talking about saying goodnight to each other in bed) What games is he playing, why does he want to continue and see me sad as you mention? Does he want me to accept the bare minimum and think its my fault? Does he not know what he is doing (his dad I suspect was the same) either way; its hard to love someone and try to tell them this stuff and they blame you. Because I don't feel like I should end the relationship if the relationship is how it is because of ME (if that makes sense!)

Brutal but sadly true. You're on a hiding to nothing here. Stop tying yourself in knots trying to figure out what's wrong with you and how you can be different/better. You'll end up a shadow of your former self if you continue.

Sounds like he has checked out/m

Thats really hurtful. Like PP said, he has emotionally checked out by the sounds of things.
He might be pushing you to end the relationship so he isn't 'the bad guy'.
If you tell him it's over first his reaction will tell you everything.

Can't imagine how you could share a bed with this nasty piece of work.

This is never going to get better OP. Best start making plans to leave.

Sorry.

@FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar @andHelenknowsimmiserablenow thanks. What makes you say this? It’s crazy because his family and friends think he is the best guy in the world. Honestly. And that he wants to look after me. It feels conditional. Not for them though, just me.