Everything I say seems to annoy partner?

[sophiebrooks123]

Wondering if anyone has been in a similar position lately - my husband will come home from work and seems to always have a sarcastic tone to his voice, but if I ask if anything is wrong I am met with "no baaaaaaaaabe" (eyeroll) I ask how his day is and he says "fine"
It's like everything I do annoys him - everything I ask for/want he says I am complaining (I asked whether the light on the new photo frame was automatic last night, (as I can't sleep with the light on)) and he replied that I have "something to say about everything?".

I done a wee with the door pushed shut (but not actually shut) and came back in and he said "can I shut the door it sounded like I was weeing on the floor" (OK for him to "complain?") but when I ask for a kiss goodnight (I said remember when we used to kiss goodnight lol) and he says I am "complaining" - I simply try to explain that every question or want/need I have shouldn't be seen as a complaint. He wants things from me that I would enjoy providing him with eg meals.

He comes home from work and after we eat dinner (with minimal conversation) he just sits in front of the TV and doesn't speak to me for 3-4 hours. Its really hard for me not to ask if he is ok/if anything is wrong. Maybe I am too much but my previous relationships would engage in conversation with me/make me feel seen - didn't necessarily mean we had to talk 24/7 - its really hard to explain.

Any suggestions?! If I ask him if everything is OK he will say I am starting an argument again so I really feel stuck/catch 22

He's giving me the ick. Nasty fucker.

' his dog ' ?

How long have you been married, did he bring the dog with him when you got together ?

Option 1 is you've asked so many times now you just grate on him and he's constantly waiting for it.

Option 2 he really doesn't like you very much and is just there for an easy life not a joint life

It's just that you said the situation was recent @sophiebrooks123 it sounds suspicious. If you don't think it could be that maybe he has something else going on that he doesn't want to tell you about and it is leaving him with no headspace for any interaction.

@sophiebrooks123 i feel like I am in the same situation as you. I feel I annoy my DP. I live with him but only till April. He asked me to move in and quickly I realised he is incapable of compromise or apologising. Everything is a negotiation.

everything is my fault or he goes in a mood and assumes I have a hidden agenda. Like I texted him and asked if he was home for tea. Said unlikely as in pub. Replied I was tired and have a good night and see you in the morning. Got a text saying he was fed up of my sarcasm and he was going to stay in with me but as I have put him in a mood he has to go out. I did say I don’t actually care what he does just want to know if I am making food for 1 or 2

no idea why he is with me. I suspect it’s because I bought a house and waiting for checks etc. he is trying to me nice and not making me homeless.

I lived into spare room as I was fed up getting blamed for him not sleeping. It’s crap and I can’t wait till I move out. No idea what I did wrong but I have stopped caring. It’s much better now. Silence and I sit in a separate room. He is now asking what’s wrong. But I grieved the end ages ago so just keeping a roof over my head.

DM if you want

It sounds as if you are constantly hoping for signs of love and validation from him but he delights in treating you with contempt and coldness. Make your own life. Take responsibility for your own worth. Make your life interesting and do whatever you want to do. Work hard, succeed at whatever is important to you, make sure you have strong independent friendships, career, hobbies, own life and money. Keep your self respect and do not let yourself be vulnerable to this horrible man.

I know :(

OP, I think you don't want to label him anything because you are a nicer person than he is, and fairness is probably more important to you than it is to him. You probably want to stick closely to reality, to the truth of what's going on, whereas he or other people with selfish intentions just want to ensure they get what they want.....which often means not being fair, and not being truthful.

It is really hard to explain to someone that you feel they have contempt/no respect for you

Yes. The recipient of such behaviour just wants to sort things out, to talk openly so it can stop, but the other person usually will just deny it. For some reason, despite being with someone they seemingly don't respect, they're quite happy with the way things are.

It's hard because you probably won't get the closure you really want from them. That's why it's so fucked up, gaslighty and confusing - you can't even have an acknowledgment from them that was is happening, is actually happening. Worse, not only will they deny it, but they will double down by calling you crazy. They don't want to be called out on their behaviour, and so will pull the rug from under your feet. Manipulative people know when they're with a good and fair person, so will use tactics like calling the other person crazy, saying the other person is being nasty or mean in order to get them to doubt their own conduct or state of mind, knowing the other person will actually care about that.

Some people enjoy mean mean to others, feeling dominant, feeling like they are your superior. It suits them just fine. Yes I do think that he wants you to accept the bare minimum, he wants to be the superior one, and it's simply annoying for him when you try to advocate for yourself and call him out on his behaviour.

He probably won't end the relationship - such men are more likely to wait until another woman comes along before doing so, or, he'll cheat and still have you at home so he can have his cake & eat it.

The reason I'd get out at well is that this disrespect might eventually manifest in your sex life. It might not have yet, but that might be because it hasn't been put to the test. As soon as he wants something bad enough, but you don't, then that will be the real test.

He sounds dreadfully boring OP. I don't have a partner and it is so much better than having a big lump parked in front of the telly

I'd tell him this relationship is not working for me anymore, I'd like you to leave.

I would not stay with him as he is horrible and does not even talk to you and expects meals from you but no interaction like most humans do. He seems to have worn you down that you are now questioning yourself. Ask him to leave as you may as well have a manequin laying beside you in bed, move forward and be happy single and start to live your life as he will not change but will get worse.

I agree with other people, I think he has gone right off you - sorry. His behaviour sounds like my ex before he left me. It is horrible and really confusing and makes you feel horrible about yourself. It is him, not you. You are capable of being in a good relationship with someone else in time (if that's what you want).

And by the way, you don't have to explain yourself to him, or get him to 'understand'. I would start emotionally withdrawing and preparing yourself if I were you. Plus, start getting your finances in order.

This is not normal, and you are not wanting too much by expecting your husband to talk to you like a normal human being.

Is it a new thing? If yes, is there an issue you think he is not telling you about i.e. Work stress, debt, health issue? The 3 -4 hours in front of the TV sounds like he is shutting things out.

Either way, his behaviour is just rude. I would set some boundaries letting him know I would not be tolerating this and that he could live on his own if he has issues with me.

This.

You are definitely not asking for too much OP. These are basic things that form part of a relationship.

It does sound like either there is something going on that your husband isn't telling you but that is causing him stress and his way of coping is to shut down. Or from personal past experience, this type of behaviour tends to be the beginning of the end unfortunately. A loss of interest and resentment.

In either case you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation to establish what's going on. I'm sure your husband will be reluctant and probably call you crazy etc, but if you can't then I can't see how there is any hope.

Change your attitude towards him. Don't always be there. Build a life that doesn't involve him. My guess is that he will soon change his ways but by then it will hopefully be too late. You deserve better but you won't get it while you look for validation and love from this bonehead. Get rid when it suits you. It will feel good.

This is only going to continue op, until you free yourself of this gaslighting pos.

@EarthSight Excellent post.

The reason I'd get out at well is that this disrespect might eventually
manifest in your sex life. It might not have yet, but that might be
because it hasn't been put to the test. As soon as he wants something
bad enough, but you don't, then that will be the real test.

This point you made could you elaborate.

Yes @ItsBeenRaining My ex was a bit different to the OPs, but I also faced a situation where I knew objectively my partner disrespected me on a regular basis, to the point that I was ashamed of it. I was ashamed of the way he treated me. He was also often moody and took out his stress and anxiety out on me.

In the last few years in particular, I started to sense a sort of undercurrent of disdain and nasty smugness coming from him. Like he thought of himself as superior to me. You can see that in people's facial expressions as well as their actions. I felt like he wanted to be more dominant, or that I now threatened his sense of superiority somehow?

That's when he crossed a sexual boundary of mine. Together for 10+ years, no issues at all in that department, and then that happened. I told him I didn't want something (about three times or more, to be technical) , and he did it anyway. After he did that when I had very clearly spelt out my boundaries to him in a way he couldn't ignore, it shattered my relationship and my perception of him. I could no longer trust him again and it flipped my world upside down.

That was the test. He wanted something, and I didn't, but he thought that didn't matter. Being probably quite full of his own dominance, he decided to do it anyway, despite knowing how I felt about women's right and sexual respect. It was selfish and ruthless, and that's why women who stay with men who don't respect them generally are in danger of the same. What I still can't believe, is that he was so cocky and full of himself that he actually thought there would be no consequence to that. That really blows my mind and shows how far gone he was. After 10 years, he took out relationship to a dark place, and it was a very, very confusing experience for me.

So here I am, mid 30s, single, struggling financially, with no children.

As a very bottom line, you would expect your partner to at the very least be friendly wouldn’t you?
Yours isn’t even that.
There’s no need for you to put up with that, I wouldn’t.

I haven’t read all your posts but I’ve read enough to know that you deserve more. You know you don’t need a ‘reason’ to end a relationship, don’t you? You are allowed to just leave.

He sounds like an arsehole. He’s shown you who he really is. Believe him. Do you want to live the rest of your life with him? Hey out now while you are still young and you’re not pregnant (I’m making lots of assumptions here apologies if I’m wrong).

Do not listen to what anybody’s else says or thinks. You know how he treats you behind closed doors. You don’t behave like that to anybody, let alone the person you love.

@EarthSight

Thank you for that, sounds like he got carried away with his own importance.

I do think there are many relationship dynamics whereby one supports the other person more, confidence grows in one and they are either rewarded with gratitude and respect or they are cast aside as being useless and beneath them. These are horrible people who are ungrateful with no sense of fairness.

Their whole attitude affects every area of your relationship and for him to be so disrespectful in your intimate life shows how cruel he became, I'm sorry that happened to you.

These men certainly leave their mark, I hope you become stronger as you are still young with so much life to live.

My ex was similar @EarthSight, and I agree with you that a man who feels contempt and disrespect for a woman soon starts showing it in your sex life.

I disliked being woken for sex in the early hours, with two DC under 2 at the time, not great sleepers, one with SEN, and me back at work full-time. The more I resisted, the more my EXDP would do it to the point I just lay there to get it over with, then eventually started sleeping in the DC room just to get away from him.

Oh dear, this post is stirring up my own memories. I just divorced my husband of 25 years and this is similar to what I was going through. One of the posters who said that men like this do not want to leave unless someone else is in the game is correct. My marriage was so bad by the time I told my now ex I wanted a divorce. Strange thing was that he was totally surprised, shocked, seriously taken aback, "Is it that bad", he asked. I could not believe it. I was so mad at him for making me look like the bad guy. Honest to god, for years, we did not have a proper conversation, we argued about just about everything, he had no patience with me. Whenever I would bring something up he would give me the "you are always complaining about me, I am the worst husband on the Earth" talk, but god forbid would he apologize or suggest a solution of any kind. This drained the life out of me, I just could not go on any longer, not for a single day.

As other posters have said, it does sound like he has gone off you, but you certainly shouldn't take that as an indictment on yourself.

You asked a lot of questions in an earlier post, but rather than directing them to us, maybe you should reword them a little so they're directed at yourself.

What games is he playing?
Whatever game he is playing, am I enjoying playing it?

Why does he want to continue and see me sad?
Why do I want to continue with someone who seems okay with seeing me sad?

Does he want me to accept the bare minimum and think its my fault?
Do I want to accept the bare minimum and can I honestly think of any genuine reason this might be all my fault? If I can genuinely see how this is all my fault, do I have the ability to change myself so the relationship will be different? Do I actually want to do that?

Does he not know what he is doing?
Whether he means to do it or not, am I happy with the result?

The relationship has run its course. The both of you seem to annoy one another and complain a lot. Your expectations of him are too high, and you are comparing him to the experiences of your previous relationship and partner.

The way that both of you are towards one another is abusive and inconsiderate.

The relationship is fizzling out. I think it's probably because the both of you are incompatible. The novelty, excitement, and newness of the relationship and each other has "worn" off.

You want a more emotionally present and responsive partner.

He wants a less emotionally charged and less responsive partner.

He wants to come home from work, and decompress in front of the tv and recharge the rest of the night in mostly silence. He doesn't want constant engagement from you, and/or possibly from others. After his busy day full of noise, chaos and interaction, he seeks refuge, comfort, and relief in his home.

You seem to not be able to accept him as a whole. His decompression methods, you don't accept, his answers you don't accept because they're short, and percise..and you want longer. He feels like you create problems when there aren't any. You feel the same towards him. You both feel unseen and unheard by the other. You are uncomfortable in silence, so you perhaps unintentionally and/or intentionally do things to get verbal feedback good, indifferent or bad..in hopes of feeling the void, the atmosphere..

He does things unintentionally and/or perhaps intentionally to hopefully get back to the silence and state that he is perhaps most comfortable in.

In other words, you do things in hopes of opening him up and he does things to close himself off, and anger you in hopes of you shutting down.

Neither one of you are interested in the relationship anymore and seem both to be unavailable and checked out.

He doesn't want to "force" things he may not be feeling, and pretend..which is why you're denied of kisses, and other things.

Things aren't going to return to a previous state.
It's over. These things happen.

End things. Both of you are just incompatible and best suited for other people.

I'm sorry.

My exH was like this, nothing I ever did/said was "right" I found it so upsetting, I'm sorry OP, but I came to the conclusion (eventually) that he didn't actually like me any more, and wanted me to end it, so I did! It wasn't easy, but, within weeks I realised life was more relaxed for me and I understood that I had been living being constantly on edge trying to gauge his moods and reactions.
It is not your fault OP, if you were doing anything intrinsically "wrong" he, if he was reasonable, would let you know very clearly.
As I said previously he just doesn't like you any more.
Think hard, make plans, this relationship is over.
Look after yourself, good luck x