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Original poster

Letting DP lean on me too much financially

134 replies

Pegasus41 · 07/01/2024 09:06

I think I’ve been a bit too financially generous to DP, who is currently experiencing financial hardship, which should improve in the long term, but right now it’s pretty bad. I’ve been paying for everything and as his car (old and beyond repair) just had to be scrapped, I bought him a new used car. My thinking was partly that it can be used as a family car, we have 3 kids between us, and we do quite a bit together with all of us, though we haven’t moved in with each other yet. But I think I’ve let my heart rule my head on the financial front, and am not sure how to claw back more boundaries around money.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 07/01/2024 09:14

What else have you been paying for, considering you don’t live together?

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 07/01/2024 09:15

How long have you been together?

acpk55 · 07/01/2024 09:26

How would you feel if the situation was reversed, would you expect to be able to lean on him financially?

FishTheRiver · 07/01/2024 09:29

It's tricky to know what to say from your OP. Is he working? Do you work? Is he wasting money? You've had three kids with him and are considering moving in together so presumably you like him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2024 09:37

Can you explain a bit more?

Akire · 07/01/2024 09:38

How long term are you talking? It’s fine to help someone out when you can see they are doing all they can to dig themselves out of a hole. But as time goes by the resentment can start to build. Are they asking for more and more or suggesting let’s go away or go out dinner, knowing you have to pay for everything?

If the expectations is it’s ok my partner will fund everything that makes it uneven. Just because you have given away thousands doesn’t mean you can’t tighten up what you spend now. Especially if it’s going be years before they have any spending power at all.

What would be their reaction be if you stopped bailing them out and they had to live with that they had? Do you think the relationship would cool?

Badburyrings · 07/01/2024 09:43

FishTheRiver · 07/01/2024 09:29

It's tricky to know what to say from your OP. Is he working? Do you work? Is he wasting money? You've had three kids with him and are considering moving in together so presumably you like him?

I don’t think it’s obvious but OP states they have 3 children between them so they might be from previous relationships. In other words they are two seperate families at the moment and don’t all live together.

DanaBarrettsKitchen · 07/01/2024 09:46

Hand on heart, how much have you subsidised his life financially?

Has he asked you to support him financially?

If you withdrew that support how do you think he would react?

MyLibrarywasdukedomlargeenough · 07/01/2024 09:48

You don’t live together and it seems like you both have dc but not a shared one. Stop doing it, it’s as simple as that and ask yourself why you felt the need. Plus did you just offer or did he ask?

CharmedCult · 07/01/2024 09:48

What was his plan to address his financial hardship if you didn’t bail him out?

If you hadn’t bought him a car, what would he have done, how would he have got about, picked his kids up, etc?

HardcoreLadyType · 07/01/2024 09:58

Do you have plans to live together? Because how can it be a “family car” if you and your child/ren have no access to it?

I think you are starting to realise that it is you that is doing all the giving with little in return, which is why you want to put a stop to it.

Whatever you are giving to this man, you are effectively taking away from your child/ren. Will he ever repay it, do you think? (As in, will he be someone you can rely on financially, or in other important ways in the future.)

Bananalanacake · 07/01/2024 10:02

It's good you don't live together, keep it that way. Is he offering to pay you back, hopefully he works.

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/01/2024 10:15

If you can easily afford it, I think buying a car for your DP was a nice, very generous thing to do.

But when you say paying for everything, what do you mean and what sums are we talking?

Also why is your DP is financial dire straits?

Is this a temporary blip?

Helping a DP out who has had some unexpectedly huge outgoings, who has lost his job through no fault of his own or whose business is experiencing a temporary down turn would be ok in my book.

Subsidising an unemployed loser who games all day or who has expensive hobbies which he refuses to give up or who gambles/takes drugs/out on the town every night, then no.

SunRainStorm · 07/01/2024 11:03

"DP, can I talk to you about something that has been on my mind?

I think I’ve let my heart rule my head on the financial front. I'm starting to feel discomfort about the extent to which you and your DC are financially reliant on me.

Our relationship is really important to me so I would like us to decide together to have more boundaries around money."

Did you gift him a car OP? Or is the idea that he will pay you back when he can? Or is the car in your name?

Why is he still unemployed? What's he doing about it?

Do you share children?

Original poster
Pegasus41 · 07/01/2024 12:46

Thanks all.

The children from previous relationships on both sides.

He’s still in debt after his divorce 3 years ago , wasn’t able to fully cover rent and solicitor fees. Still struggling to cover rent.

He doesn’t ask me to pay for things, but accepts whatever I offer. Some things are choices I make because I want to do certain things, eg holidays, that I want to do, which he can’t afford, so I pay. I’m ok with that, though my mum has been asking, do you split it 50/50 and going on about that.

He does express financial stress strongly to me, and I’ve offered to cover half his rent for 3 months. He should have more money coming in by then, from a self-employed source. We plan to live together (in a house I own outright) from September, he will help with bills then. In the meantime we do things all together with the kids, including holidays. He pulls his weight a lot in other ways (apart from finances I mean), and doesn’t have any expensive lifestyle habits/hobbies etc).

Sometimes I feel ok about it all, and sometimes I feel worried am I being too generous, given I have kids etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pegasus41 · 07/01/2024 12:47

Also — he’s not unemployed, but doesn’t earn a lot.

OP posts:
Psyberbaby · 07/01/2024 12:50

Im self employed and so was my ex but it pissed me off because he was just as you describe yours, and my attitude was if SE isn't bringing enough for you to live on, you need to get a job.

I subsidised him for 6 years despite him being lovely it created a lot of resentment in me

beetr00 · 07/01/2024 12:51

you are a "giver" @Pegasus41

Protect yourself and your children first.

CharmedCult · 07/01/2024 12:58

Yes you are being far too generous.

I’m baffled as to why you’ve bought him a car and offered to cover half his rent for 3 months.

If he can’t even cover his rent he should move somewhere cheaper or sell his investment property (I’ve read your other thread) - though he’s got his eyes on the rent free prize of living with you come September.

If his self employment isn’t paying him any money then it’s a hobby, not a job.

I think your mum sees far more than you’ve let on here hence why she’s speaking up about it.

SamW98 · 07/01/2024 12:59

How long have you been with this man OP?

I’ll be honest, there’s a few red flags in there for me. I think there’s a big difference between accepting the odd bit of help from a partner and sponging and what you’ve described I feel is nearer the latter.

If you refused to support him financially, how would he manage? Its his issue to resolve not yours

CharmedCult · 07/01/2024 13:02

Just to add that I get paying for a holiday as a one off treat, or paying more often for meals out or dates if you have more disposable income, but you are funding the basics like rent and transport.

If you didn’t cough up, what would he do?

Ilovegoldies · 07/01/2024 13:04

That's money you could be using for your children's future. You're an absolute mug.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/01/2024 13:16

He's effectively asking you for the money if he goes on that much about his financial stresses and then accepts your money. Unless you're loaded, he's taking the piss, taking money away from a single mum - that money should be going on your DC now or for the future, not getting him a new car and paying his rent. He's a grown man and a father. He can get a second job or a cheaper home or whatever it takes to meet his own financial commitments. This is a very bad sign that it's already your problem and you're not even living together (thank goodness - don't let him suggest that as a solution!).

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/01/2024 13:25

He doesn’t ask me to pay for things, but accepts whatever I offer

He does express financial stress strongly to me

So he's learned that if he says he's under financial stress you'll respond by stumping up and baling him out. You've bought him a car, covered his rent...what does he do for you? and what else do you cover?

This is a very bad sign that it's already your problem and you're not even living together (thank goodness - don't let him suggest that as a solution!)

100%. Let alone into a house you own outright.

We plan to live together (in a house I own outright) from September, he will help with bills then

Help with bills? in what proportion, and given he's under financial stress, with what?

MostlyHappyMummy · 07/01/2024 13:30

Your poor kids