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Original poster

Letting DP lean on me too much financially

134 replies

Pegasus41 · 07/01/2024 09:06

I think I’ve been a bit too financially generous to DP, who is currently experiencing financial hardship, which should improve in the long term, but right now it’s pretty bad. I’ve been paying for everything and as his car (old and beyond repair) just had to be scrapped, I bought him a new used car. My thinking was partly that it can be used as a family car, we have 3 kids between us, and we do quite a bit together with all of us, though we haven’t moved in with each other yet. But I think I’ve let my heart rule my head on the financial front, and am not sure how to claw back more boundaries around money.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 07/01/2024 19:06

He should have more money coming in by then, from a self-employed source. We plan to live together (in a house I own outright) from September, he will help with bills then.

There are so many red flags in your posts, it’s laughable! Run far away from this man-he’s seen you coming!

pinkyredrose · 07/01/2024 19:23

We plan to live together (in a house I own outright) from September, he will help with bills then.

So the bills will still be your bills. However he'll 'help'.

What will you do when he starts talking about how skint he is when the bills need paying? He won't be paying rent but something tells me he'll still find inventive ways to part you from your cash.

Your children's father only died a yr ago. You'd be making a big mistake if you made them live with this grabbing arsehole.

pinkyredrose · 07/01/2024 19:24

Op what does he do for a living?

Fs365 · 07/01/2024 19:36

SamW98 · 07/01/2024 18:38

It makes no difference which way round it is. A partner who you don’t live with and don’t agree children with constantly mentions how skint they are and puts their hand out while the other buys them a car, gym membership, holidays, pays towards their kids, pays their rent and generally bankrolls them and they do nothing to even attempt to pay a penny back is a scrounger, male or female.

i agree with this, but there are plenty of posts on the forum from women saying the higher earning male partners should pay more, yet this doesn’t seem to apply when the higher earning partner is female 🤷🏼.
how does it work with same sex couples.

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/01/2024 19:41

What does this man bring into your life??

Bananalanacake · 07/01/2024 19:47

So if you were to say to him 'Dave, I can't give you any more cash as I'm abit overdrawn and I need to save for work on the house, oh and I don't want you to move in with me for at least another 6 years as the kids are not ready since their dad passed away'
How would he react?

SamW98 · 07/01/2024 19:55

Fs365 · 07/01/2024 19:36

i agree with this, but there are plenty of posts on the forum from women saying the higher earning male partners should pay more, yet this doesn’t seem to apply when the higher earning partner is female 🤷🏼.
how does it work with same sex couples.

Show quote history

If you’re cohabiting and/or have children together then it’s a different scenario but the OP and this guy are just dating.

And again this isn’t about the higher earner paying more, she’s bankrolling him and he’s contributing nothing

Snowdogsmitten · 07/01/2024 20:08

I think you might find he’s emotionally trying to manipulate you into offering…

You need to stop. Do you find yourself trying to please him?

GreekDogRescue · 07/01/2024 20:12

Future cock lodger in waiting

newyearnewnothing · 07/01/2024 20:25

You are being used to fund his lifestyle and for sex.
He is taking the piss out of you and taking money from our children.
Time to pick your self respect up off the floor and grow a pair!

Original poster
Pegasus41 · 07/01/2024 21:39

Thanks . A lot here.
To clarify he doesn’t have or has ever had a David Lloyd membership. I have one, and he tried to get me to make it a partners account and for him to pay the difference, but I declined in the end.

His divorce was finalised.

Im quite confused as he’s really a very giving person in every other way.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 07/01/2024 21:48

Of course he is.
It makes you carry on employing him to be your boyfriend.

He is a user. Close your purse completely and see how long he stays lovely.

FlyingCherub · 07/01/2024 21:56

That's a really good idea, OP. Why don't you tell him that you can't finance anything further for him... and see how long he stays nice for.

If he's as genuine as you say he is, nothing will change will it?

pikkumyy77 · 07/01/2024 21:57

Yes i read the gym membership thread. The guy is a massive user.

Codlingmoths · 07/01/2024 22:02

Fortunately September is 9 months away, I think you should aim for focussing on free activities all out together with kids and verbalise this- ‘no I’d rather we look for a free activity’. if he continues to struggle then you need to say we need to reconsider you moving in if you’re not financially stable, it doesn’t feel fair on my kids to take this on full time. I’m glad you said no re the gym, he needs to prioritise his rent. If self employment doesn’t pay enough he needs to find a job.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 07/01/2024 22:49

He is very giving in every other way because he needs to be in order to keep his money supply.

I'm sorry but that is the reason.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 07/01/2024 22:54

Pegasus41 · 07/01/2024 21:39

Thanks . A lot here.
To clarify he doesn’t have or has ever had a David Lloyd membership. I have one, and he tried to get me to make it a partners account and for him to pay the difference, but I declined in the end.

His divorce was finalised.

Im quite confused as he’s really a very giving person in every other way.

Ok but what about the investment flat he part owns with you, yet can’t manage to pay his own rent?

Icepinkeskimo · 07/01/2024 22:57

OP if this was your best friend what would you tell her?
He’s a moocher plain and simple.

Emptyheadlock · 07/01/2024 23:17

Yet another mug putting an absolute loser before her kids.

hellsBells246 · 07/01/2024 23:20

Im quite confused as he’s really a very giving person in every other way.

He has to be, to keep you giving him money!!!

pinkyredrose · 07/01/2024 23:24

Im quite confused as he’s really a very giving person in every other way.

How exactly? He probably wants to keep you sweet so that you keep funding him.

TR888 · 07/01/2024 23:29

OP, have you added up the amount of money you've spent on him so far? It sounds like thousands and thousands of pounds. I think if you sit down and add it all up, until open your eyes.

Please don't dismiss your mums advice as nagging. She's bringing things up for a reason.

Ultimately, why do you feel you gave to give him do much money? I wonder what your thought process is (im not trying to be be unkind here 🙂).

HardcoreLadyType · 07/01/2024 23:31

How is he a “giving person”.

From what others have posted, it sounds like he wouldn’t even take your parcels to the post office for you.

What, exactly, does he give?

TR888 · 07/01/2024 23:32

Also, aren't you worried that he's with you for your money, rather than for yourself, do you think he'd still be with you if your couldn't / wouldn't support him? These are important questions to consider.

Flambeed · 07/01/2024 23:34

I don’t understand why you’re confused. It’s very obvious he’s exploiting a vulnerable, bereaved woman and ripping off your kids too. He’s being very open about it.