Letting DP lean on me too much financially

[Pegasus41]

I think I’ve been a bit too financially generous to DP, who is currently experiencing financial hardship, which should improve in the long term, but right now it’s pretty bad. I’ve been paying for everything and as his car (old and beyond repair) just had to be scrapped, I bought him a new used car. My thinking was partly that it can be used as a family car, we have 3 kids between us, and we do quite a bit together with all of us, though we haven’t moved in with each other yet. But I think I’ve let my heart rule my head on the financial front, and am not sure how to claw back more boundaries around money.

Maybe you should stop offering money when he hints for it.

If you're planning to move in with him then you shouldn't do it if you don't feel able to have these pretty fundamental conversations. It doesn't bode well for a successful relationship.

Perhaps sit down together and tell him you're concerned. That you can't keep subsidising him and ask him how he will ensure he pays his fair share if you do move in together.

The last thing you want is him to get his feet under the table and somehow all the bills fall to you! Somehow I strongly suspect that's exactly what will happen!

You can't really ask him to repay the money you've already given him unless when you offered it you specifically offered it as a loan. Did you?

Don't fall for his hinting any more. That's the most important thing. Why do you think he's telling you his tales of financial woe if not to squeeze money out of you?

Have some things ready to say such as oh that's not good. I hope you manage to sort it out.

That is really not fair. There are traditional roles (for better or worse - mainly worse) and this can feel like a betrayal in a way it would not the other way round.

I’ve offered to cover half his rent for 3 months. He should have more money coming in by then, from a self-employed source.

Fucking hell.

If he can't afford rent he needs to claim benefits. Stop offering him money ffs! You're being a fool to yourself.

He’s a cocklodger and he has not even moved in yet

Paying an escort for companionship and sex would probably be cheaper and less complicated tbh.

But In what way is it not fair ?

there are often threads on here from women who are in relationships with men who earn much higher and are always told not to date a men who is tight with money, so why not the other way around?

so a man doesn’t spend his money on you, don’t date him.
if a man is skink - don’t dare him 🤷🏼

If they were living together and she'd taken a financial hit in order to raise children they had together then that would be different but two people just dating? No shared children? No. It doesn't matter what sex they are imo

@acpk55

It's not being 'tight with money' to expect your
boyfriend to manage his own finances and fund his own basic expenses.

In terms of absolute justice, you are right. Were a man to write in with this complaint, I am sure no-one would be outraged and the person suggesting a sex worker would be cheaper would be seen as a misogynist. But context does matter.
A man upset that his wofe cannot cook would be ridiculous now, but we can understand it would be different in the 1970s. Equally, there is still the expectation, no matter how outdated it might be, that the man is responsible for earning money. Ideally, we would have moved beyond that, but we can understand that is not easy. I have had relationships with women who earned more than me and they were understandably resentful, even though I was certainly not gaining financially.

My point is, we can have sympathy with the OP in the cnotext of the society we have.

...I mean, yes.
Fifty years ago, a woman not being able to cook would be seen as a terrible black mark by a man who was himself unable to cook. Ideally, we would not have these expectations, but we do. We will move past them I hope, but we are not there yet.

Then he needs to earn more or work more hours.
To help a partner out is ok as long as you are happy doing it, if not it will just cause resentment and ruin the relationship. How long have you been together? You say you’re planning on living together in a house you own, who instigated this decision? Is it because you both want to live together to build a life together or because it will be financially better for him

Reading your other threads this guy has been fleecing you from day one. He really saw you coming but you have been given advise on other threads which you have clearly ignored and now in deeper and deeper. I feel sorry for your kids and this guys seems determined to end up with the lot.
its so depressing, the amount of desperate women willing to do anything for a man, including paying for me ! The mind boggles as this guy is hardly a prince among men.

and I fully agree with you point but to quote the OP , the OP is paying for something’s because she wants to do them

He doesn’t ask me to pay for things, but accepts whatever I offer. Some things are choices I make because I want to do certain things, eg holidays, that I want to do, which he can’t afford, so I pay. I’m ok with that

Agree!

Words fail me! What are you doing op? Are you really this hard up for a man?

Politely… if you have 3 kids together you are balls deep already.

If you won’t kick him off (which you should do)
the best you can aim for is prioritising you and the kids and making it as uncomfortable for him as possible. Eg minimum discretionary spends.
i also would not have bought him a car.

my DH and I are high earners with 2 kids and share a car… there’s no way I’d buy him one if he wasn’t contributing to household income and wrote his car off.

It makes no difference which way round it is. A partner who you don’t live with and don’t agree children with constantly mentions how skint they are and puts their hand out while the other buys them a car, gym membership, holidays, pays towards their kids, pays their rent and generally bankrolls them and they do nothing to even attempt to pay a penny back is a scrounger, male or female.

They don’t have children together. They have 3 kids between them from previous relationships.

Hmm. Does he have the capacity to change jobs and earn more in future, or is this going to be as good as it gets? If so, you need to think hard about this. How much will it cost you to have him and his Dc move in?

Can you afford to pay eg his rent? I'm not surprised you feel odd about it. In effect you're taking money from your Dc for him...

Well, this all puts a massively different light on things. I didn't realise OP had posted before.

In that case, OP, you have had great advice here. Do you have anyone in your life you can talk to? You said your mum h as already expressed query at your spending - talk to her!

And the fact that you're posting here shows that you know this isn't right.

You deserve better. 💐

Oh, no no no, OP.
By paying for the car and offering to cover half of his rent (??!!) you're giving him carte blanche to never sort out his financial mess.
The man needs a proper job as self employment is clearly not viable for him - I have been in this <exact> position and trust me, he will take and take and take.
Would you do that to him ? Take everything offered without any shame or any plan to improve your financial situation ? I bet you wouldn't and I also bet you spend a good chunk of your time thinking about him and his finances and how you can 'help' him. You are not helping him, you are enabling him to carry on drifting through life without consequences nor responsibility - and please, for pity's sake - do not move him into your home 😳
Trust me, I am speaking from bitter experience.

Your poor children are literally having their futures removed from them because of your DP. Seriously, you need to take off your rose tinted glasses, make a spreadsheet and add up every single penny that you've put his way.

Your children will need money for education, college, driving, uni, marriage, house deposits... and you're squandering it all on this man instead.

As another PP said, you're paying for sex. And highly. Find an escort instead. They'll leave you feeling great, and make no further demands on you.

I can't stress this strongly enough....do not move in with him until he has been at least a year (and id probably push for 2 years personally) solvent and not needing money.

You'd be mad to.

We plan to live together (in a house I own outright) from September, he will help with bills then

How exactly is this going to happen? Has he compiled a budget spreadsheet to show how it will be possible?

Why September?

Are you absolutely sure that you're not going to be getting yourself a total cocklodger? And you'll stay paying way more than he does because he's still faffing with a business that makes little money?

I'd be very very careful if I were you @Pegasus41

From your post 10 months ago

I took my DP and his son to David Lloyd as guests the other day. He loved it and wanted me to add him as a linked member and said he would pay the difference. However it ended up being more than David Lloyd initially quoted due to a mistake. He then said he wanted to cancel his membership. But then I asked him to help me return some parcels — I’m a lone parent with two young kids - and he said he’d do all errands like this for me if I bought him one item of clothing per month.

Why the fuck are you still with him?