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Original poster

Letting DP lean on me too much financially

134 replies

Pegasus41 · 07/01/2024 09:06

I think I’ve been a bit too financially generous to DP, who is currently experiencing financial hardship, which should improve in the long term, but right now it’s pretty bad. I’ve been paying for everything and as his car (old and beyond repair) just had to be scrapped, I bought him a new used car. My thinking was partly that it can be used as a family car, we have 3 kids between us, and we do quite a bit together with all of us, though we haven’t moved in with each other yet. But I think I’ve let my heart rule my head on the financial front, and am not sure how to claw back more boundaries around money.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2024 15:11

If he's self-employed and making less than a minimum wage job then that's a hobby not a business.

I would be very worried about living with someone who doesn't pull his weight financially.

blettedmedlar · 07/01/2024 15:18

Tell him you want to postpone his moving in. I bet he'll turn quite nasty. He sees you as a mug because quite frankly you're acting like one!

murasaki · 07/01/2024 15:23

You're effectively paying for sex. Not a good look.

LittleGreenDragons · 07/01/2024 15:24

He does express financial stress strongly to me, and I’ve offered to cover half his rent for 3 months. He should have more money coming in by then, from a self-employed source. We plan to live together (in a house I own outright) from September,

This is a future cocklodger. Congrats on feeling the unease before he gets moved in.

Why can't he cover his rent by himself? If he's self employed then he needs to find another job asap. If its a high rent then he needs to find a lower cost one, and no that doesn't mean a girlfriend's rent free one.

NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore · 07/01/2024 15:28

CharmedCult · 07/01/2024 12:58

Yes you are being far too generous.

I’m baffled as to why you’ve bought him a car and offered to cover half his rent for 3 months.

If he can’t even cover his rent he should move somewhere cheaper or sell his investment property (I’ve read your other thread) - though he’s got his eyes on the rent free prize of living with you come September.

If his self employment isn’t paying him any money then it’s a hobby, not a job.

I think your mum sees far more than you’ve let on here hence why she’s speaking up about it.

I agree he's got his eye on the rent free prize come September.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 07/01/2024 15:29

Ok I read a few of your other posts @Pegasus41 and you said he was starved as a child to the point of being taken into care. You say he is generous with his foster family and friends who are not as wealthy as he is/was.

This sounds like he’s actually had a traumatising childhood which can leave lasting effects. You also said he’s used to ‘hustling’ from childhood and that was said in relation to the gym episode.

I think you need to be careful with finances, not move in together as it’s not a stable relationship and won’t be until his divorce is finalised and he has his custody sorted and stabilised. I don’t think he’s in a position to give you any stability at the moment. Plus your own children lost their father less than a year ago and don’t seem to ever see their father’s family due to them being abroad and probably other factors too?

What is the investment property, a flat, that you and he own together? Why was that ever bought while these financial problems were there? Is it bringing in an income for you both? Would it be better for you to see it or buy him out so he has money for his divorce?

bendypines · 07/01/2024 15:30

Why have you decided to be this man's saviour OP?

winewine · 07/01/2024 15:34

OP please stop.
He doesn't ask for your money because he doesn't have to. You give it freely.

I am going through this with my son. He hands over every penny he had to his girlfriend and her child.
He says she's not a money grabber as she doesn't ask.
Tbh it's tearing our family apart.

How old are your children and what do they think of him?

muchalover · 07/01/2024 15:36

He's romancing you all the way to the bank. I am out of practice, is this what real love is?

Any person who pleads poverty and allows a partner to stump up this much money is not a person who should be in a relationship. There are plenty of jobs about.

Consider why you think so little of yourself that you feel you have to buy someone. Someone who would be bought is not worthy of your time.

acpk55 · 07/01/2024 15:40

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2024 15:11

If he's self-employed and making less than a minimum wage job then that's a hobby not a business.

I would be very worried about living with someone who doesn't pull his weight financially.

Where does the OP say he is earning less then Min wage, I must have missed that?

CharmedCult · 07/01/2024 16:04

doesn’t have any expensive lifestyle habits/hobbies etc

I’d say a monthly David Lloyd gym
membership is a very expensive hobby for someone who can’t even afford to pay their rent.

Your statement that it isn’t (an expensive lifestyle habit/hobby) demonstrates perfectly your skewed thinking when it comes to this man and finances.

A vast majority of people, when having to listen to someone constant whining about their financial stresses would say “well you could help yourself for a start by cancelling your David Lloyd membership” - not “ok I’ll buy you a car and pay half your rent for 3 months”.

The more that comes out about your whole set up with him from your previous threads, the more I feel like I’m watching some romance scammer documentary - like I want to scream at the tv “why can’t you see what he’s doing!!”.

Your poor mum knows. She must be so frustrated.

Bananalanacake · 07/01/2024 16:29

Don't tell him you own a property outright, if he's a freeloader he'll think he can move in without paying his way as you own the place.

caringcarer · 07/01/2024 16:41

OP why is it we can all see he's a scammer, your Mum can see but you are blinded by love. Wake up and see the 🚩.

pikkumyy77 · 07/01/2024 16:46

Pegasus41 · 07/01/2024 12:47

Also — he’s not unemployed, but doesn’t earn a lot.

Well there is your problem. He doesn’t earn enough to be an equal partner. This inequality will eat away at the relationship.

SunRainStorm · 07/01/2024 16:59

He sounds quite emotionally manipulative TBH.

He told his 8 year old that you were buying a house together for him- when you were not buying it together, and far too early.

Going on and on about his financial problems, knowing it will make you uncomfortable and you'll offer to pay.

Imagine accepting a free car from someone - then complaining it hurt his back and then accepting another free car!

OP, you absolutely need some boundaries and some self worth.

You shouldn't be subsidising his existence or that of his children.

In your prior thread his financial problems were because of his divorce settlement, now it's legal debt, then it's not earning enough through self employment.... don't you see it will always be something with this man?

Is he going to pay you back for the car? For the rent? Why not?

Are you immensely wealthy? Or is are you taking money that could go to your children's education, holidays, own first cars - and spending it on your boyfriend?

Do not let this man and his child move in with you. What you have seen so far will be the tip of the iceberg.

11NigelTufnel · 07/01/2024 17:00

It's jam tomorrow op. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the big pay ticket of the future doesn't come in either. Well done for recognising there is an issue. Now you need to make sure you don't fall into the sunken costs fallacy. From now on, you put yourself and your children first and stop giving him any money.

SunRainStorm · 07/01/2024 17:02

Tell him you've seen a financial advisor and things have to change.

You're not subsidising him anymore.

I wonder what he would do/say if you said you were in financial distress and needed money from him.

DanaBarrettsKitchen · 07/01/2024 17:03

@Pegasus41 is any of this making you pause for thought?

WhistPie · 07/01/2024 17:03

Have you thought about having your salary paid directly into his bank account so that he doesn't have the financial stress of saying how little money he has?

And stop spending money on your children, they're financial leeches! Charity shop clothes from now on.

SunRainStorm · 07/01/2024 17:15

He has no money
He doesn't earn enough to support himself and his child
He's in debt
He has no car
He has bad health (back)
He has a massive chip on his shoulder about his background
He is rude to your friends to the point where you posted here and decided to socialise separately because of how he behaved.
Hes massively overstepped and jumped the gun by telling his son you were all 'buying a big house together' before you had agreed to tell the children about a potential move
He moans about his poverty knowing you will run to his rescue.
He won't even help you by posting a parcel for you!

OP, your children's father is dead. You're all they have and their only provider. By the sound of things you have assets but not a major income. When your money is gone it's gone. It should be preserved for your children's benefit and your future.

dottiedodah · 07/01/2024 17:20

He seems to have it made ,with you stumping up cash for everything! Please do not carry on doing this.He is being massively unreasonable.

Britneyfan · 07/01/2024 17:25

I wish people would be a bit kinder to the OP here. I don’t know the whole backstory but from what other posters have said here it does sound like financial abuse of OP from her partner, which is a subset of domestic abuse. I don’t think calling her a mug, implying that she obviously doesn’t give a shit about her children, and saying that she is paying for sex is really very helpful in getting her to see that, if that’s what’s happening. This is so much victim-blaming and if this is what’s going on, her self esteem is probably low enough as it is, so you really have to kick someone when they are down?

Vinrouge4 · 07/01/2024 17:30

Please protect your house when he moves in. I would be thinking twice before doing this. Until he is financially more independent.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 07/01/2024 17:33

@Britneyfan I don't think anyone is trying to be unkind. Posters just really want the OP to see it for what it is and get away from it.

Britneyfan · 07/01/2024 17:40

I understand that but I think there are ways of doing it without being so personally insulting to OP. It’s unhelpful.

I have left an abusive marriage myself which also included financial abuse, and there were people who called me a mug at the time over that. It didn’t help at all, the opposite in fact as it just made me hate myself more and have even lower self-esteem, which made it actually more difficult to extricate myself from the relationship.

I felt so awful about myself, I believed all of the rubbish he told me about how useless and worthless I was.

If people want to support someone who is being abused and help them to open their eyes to what is going on, the key to that is through true kindness and care for that person, not calling them a mug.