Adult daughter homeless but abusive

[Meme54]

Hi my eldest daughter is 28
she has lost her children into care I had them several months but they are on spectrum and have been through alot and I couldn’t have them as they needed specialist carers.

my Daughter has had 3 abusive relationships.

We have helped her many many times, she has had thousands of £ from us - from us getting her flats to rent paying her rent and deposits and essential things for the kids and her and flats.

long story short
she choose to stay with the last guy over doing what child services asked her to do, she signed the paperwork saying she had to do everything they said or she’d lose her children - one was she wasn’t allowed to see him or the kids be anywhere near him, as he is on Claire’s law and is a danger to children. She didn’t do what she signed to agree = she lived in his flat with her children and said to the police I was harassing her so I’d stay away and not see what was going on. I was threatened to be arrested if I contacted her.

Now he has been taken to court months ago for non payment of rent, they had bailiff letter stuck to their door to several weeks ago, but they’ve ignored it all and now it’s a few days away
to eviction.
She lies alot and has about my husband looking at her untowards but admitted it was a lie later on.
shes been very abusive towards me many years and now she is homeless soon and it seems to befall on me again.
Her dad lives 120 miles away it’s better if she went there to get her away from this awful man but her dads said no he can’t help her and he said I should take her in.
3 times in the last year she came here but went back to him next day.

Her dad never did much for her and her sister never paid any child support or brought them clothes or rarely saw them.

My husband doesn’t want her here as anxious she may lie again
my landlord doesn’t want another adult where as if he wanted us out he can’t get her out or it costs alot

She can’t get help with council as she didn’t pay her rent in her last house and he’s not paid rent where he being evicted from, so they have made themself intentionally homeless.

so I don’t know what to do I can’t have her on the streets but my husband and landlord and won’t have her here.

help

[RowanMayfair]

All you can do is set her up in the cheapest house share you can find and let her either pay the rent or not. You can't keep bailing her out forever.

[IncompleteSenten]

Unless you want to join her on the streets your options are limited.

How much are you willing to give up for her? Your home? Your marriage? That's the question really.

Move out and rent a flat by yourself and move her in so she can abuse you?

Give her money for a b&b until you've no money left in the world?

Hard as it is, sometimes you can't help someone no matter how much you love them.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

What a total nightmare. I’m so sorry. No advice but buckets of sympathy for you 💐💐💐

[Meme54]

@RowanMayfair there nothing we live where rentals have long waiting lists for everything

[DPotter]

As hard as it will be, I think your only option is to refuse to take her in as you will be risking your marriage and your home.

She's been offered help in the past and has thrown it back. It's time she learnt that her actions have consequences. Yes - this is absolutely tough love, and I agree with pp sometimes you just can't save someone, however much you love them.

[FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain]

She needs to present as homeless to the council and accept whatever hostel or B&B they are able to provide.

[Meme54]

@IncompleteSenten
yes I agree but work you see your child homeless ? She is penniless works 10 hours a week and there’s nothing where to rent

Thankyou

[Meme54]

@AnneLovesGilbert Thankyou xx

[Gnomegnomegnome]

Does she have any professional involvement? Social services? Mental health? DV charities?

I don’t know what I would do in your situation and it’s easy to say as someone who’s not involved but you need to take a step back. Bailing her out hasn’t worked before and you risk losing both your relationship and your house.

[Fiddlerdragon]

She deserves no help. Do you think paying for her yet again will magically change her this time? You can’t have her in your house. You simply can’t. Do you want to throw away your marriage and live on the streets with her? Your landlord has refused to have her there

[Andthereyougo]

It’s an awful situation but I think until she experiences the full consequences of her poor decisions she’ll not move on. She’s 28 and has to take responsibility for herself.
If none of your ( very generous) bail outs have helped so far I don’t think another will. Sorry.

[Meme54]

@FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain
they wont help her she didn’t pay months of rent she kept the housing benifits and he didn’t pay for a year so council won’t help her

[tribpot]

Does she need to stay local? She's lost the children already. @RowanMayfair suggested a house share, not a flat rental (she's no chance of getting one of those with her credit history I suspect). Has she/have you looked for a house share?

Your landlord is right not to take her on, and that gives you a perfect alibi as to why she can't move in. Stick to that.

[Meme54]

@Gnomegnomegnome
she just hides away won’t actively help herself
yes it’s always on me everyone puts on me as I’m a people pleaser

Thankyou

[Fiddlerdragon]

@Meme54

@IncompleteSenten
yes I agree but work you see your child homeless ? She is penniless works 10 hours a week and there’s nothing where to rent

Thankyou

She’s seeing herself homeless. What more can you possibly do to get her to change? At this point you’re enabling her. Stop bailing her out at every single turn and she’ll have to learn to finally grow up

[Meme54]

@Fiddlerdragon
i 100% agree but will you have your child live on the streets ?

[Aquamarine1029]

Until she has face the disaster she's made for herself, and until you stop constantly providing her a soft spot to land, she will never get her shit together. She doesn't have to because you keep picking up the pieces. Op, she allowed her children to be around a man she knows is dangerous. She knew she would have them taken away from her. She allowed her kids to be placed into care. It's honestly reprehensible.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is nothing.

[TheCatterall]

She needs to approach the councils homeless team and look into homeless shelters.

if you keep picking up the pieces she never has to sort herself out. She has no reason to change if you are forever fixing everything.

There are adult social workers and special agencies that can help her if she approaches them.

[Meme54]

@Andthereyougo
i agree I’m just anxious of her being on the streets

[Meme54]

@Fiddlerdragon
yes true

[Meme54]

@Aquamarine1029 sadly you’re spot on

[Meme54]

@TheCatterall
i didn’t think they’d help as she made herself intentionally homeless ?
thankyou

[tribpot]

By the way, if you needed any more reason, I suspect if you let her move in this awful man will be next through the door.

They're still together, aren't they? Let them figure this out together.

[Dacadactyl]

I don't think she will be on the streets. They'll put her up in a homeless shelter. That's what happens round here anyway.

[Sweetladyjane]

As hard as it I have to agree with the other posters that you need to let her face the consequences of her actions.