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Original poster

Adult daughter homeless but abusive

142 replies

Meme54 · 05/01/2024 16:14

Hi my eldest daughter is 28
she has lost her children into care I had them several months but they are on spectrum and have been through alot and I couldn’t have them as they needed specialist carers.

my Daughter has had 3 abusive relationships.

We have helped her many many times, she has had thousands of £ from us - from us getting her flats to rent paying her rent and deposits and essential things for the kids and her and flats.

long story short
she choose to stay with the last guy over doing what child services asked her to do, she signed the paperwork saying she had to do everything they said or she’d lose her children - one was she wasn’t allowed to see him or the kids be anywhere near him, as he is on Claire’s law and is a danger to children. She didn’t do what she signed to agree = she lived in his flat with her children and said to the police I was harassing her so I’d stay away and not see what was going on. I was threatened to be arrested if I contacted her.

Now he has been taken to court months ago for non payment of rent, they had bailiff letter stuck to their door to several weeks ago, but they’ve ignored it all and now it’s a few days away
to eviction.
She lies alot and has about my husband looking at her untowards but admitted it was a lie later on.
shes been very abusive towards me many years and now she is homeless soon and it seems to befall on me again.
Her dad lives 120 miles away it’s better if she went there to get her away from this awful man but her dads said no he can’t help her and he said I should take her in.
3 times in the last year she came here but went back to him next day.

Her dad never did much for her and her sister never paid any child support or brought them clothes or rarely saw them.

My husband doesn’t want her here as anxious she may lie again
my landlord doesn’t want another adult where as if he wanted us out he can’t get her out or it costs alot

She can’t get help with council as she didn’t pay her rent in her last house and he’s not paid rent where he being evicted from, so they have made themself intentionally homeless.

so I don’t know what to do I can’t have her on the streets but my husband and landlord and won’t have her here.

help

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/01/2024 16:32

She will have to present at a shelter. Unfortunately she has to experience the consequences of her actions. If you keep saving her she won’t.

Ponderingwindow · 05/01/2024 16:33

She reported you to the police once already. Next time you might actually be arrested.

there is obviously something wrong. It’s not clear what, but her decision making is fundamentally flawed. You can’t keep rescuing her though. You know that you would be risking your own home if you let her stay.

i understand not wanting to leave her homeless. Just clutching at straws… could you make a deal with her that if she finds and keeps a better job, you could help with the cost of renting a room? Maybe she should move to a cheaper city? Does she get visitation with her children at all?

Angel222 · 05/01/2024 16:33

This is a 28 year old woman who has had her children removed, if this hasn't broken her, homelessness won't either. I would bet she has significant mental health problems and addictions. No amount of 'tough love' will bring her back until she decides enough is enough. And i hope she does.

  1. Op do not take her in and risk your own home
  2. See her without your husband
  3. Keep communication with your grandkids if possible
  4. Sign post her to night shelters and free helplines.
  5. Adult social care if she has addiction or mental illness
  6. Agree with presenting homeless to council, they will find her something even if grim and far away.

Shelter charity and Citizens Advice.

Fiddlerdragon · 05/01/2024 16:34

Meme54 · 05/01/2024 16:27

@Fiddlerdragon
i 100% agree but will you have your child live on the streets ?

You ask like it’s a generic question with a simple yes and no answer. The simple answer is no. The answer if I was in your circumstances and my child was actively trying to destroy all of the lives around her, including the little lives who are now growing up in the system because she chose some beast above them, who has had every available help and lifeline thrown to them and has thrown it straight back in everyone’s faces? The answer would be yes, I would see my child on the streets. Though imo she’ll find a way to keep off them, which is why you need to stop treating her like a child, and treat her like the nasty, abusive POS she actually is until she learns she can’t treat people like that anymore

GoldDuster · 05/01/2024 16:36

She has intentionally taken repeated actions that have led to her children being removed from her.

If the threat of that didn't make her get her shit together, nothing will.

This is her path and she needs to walk it, your efforts to help have been unsuccessful and you can't save her if she won't grab the rope unfortunately.

Look after yourself.

Catsknowbest · 05/01/2024 16:37

I'm sorry OP but you shouldn't take her in. You put your whole stability and relationship at risk if you do. She has had how many chances and gone seriously against conditions set out for her. She is 28. I get how hard it is for you to see her on the streets but I read that you have already done as much as you can. Where will it end? I do feel for you believe me but she has reached this point of rock bottom through her own choices and behaviour.

Original poster
Meme54 · 05/01/2024 16:37

@tribpot

Yes they are living together
mmm my husband would kick his as$ but yes I agree
He states he’s barcading himself on when the bailiffs come I said to her police will remove you

OP posts:
Original poster
Meme54 · 05/01/2024 16:38

@MrsElijahMikaelson1
Yes I see this now I’m enabling her

OP posts:
Catsknowbest · 05/01/2024 16:38

Meme54 · 05/01/2024 16:22

@RowanMayfair there nothing we live where rentals have long waiting lists for everything

Sweet, she had social housing and she blew it. This is not down to you anymore

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 05/01/2024 16:39

By the way, if you needed any more reason, I suspect if you let her move in this awful man will be next through the door.

Exactly. And then presumably OP will lose any contact she still has with her grandchildren, if it's known that a man who is a danger to them is living in, or visiting, her home.

As to finding the dd a place in a house share, that would be hugely unfair to the other sharers, unless she ditches the man.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 05/01/2024 16:39

People say they are people pleasers as if it is really a good thing. Why would you enable this woman (and at 28 she is an adult)? Eventually people like this get to the point where no one else can help them. Which is where it sounds like she is at. Hopefully it will be a wake up call to her.

Original poster
Meme54 · 05/01/2024 16:39

@Ponderingwindow I’ve offered her the money to pay months rent in a flat

yes she sees them 2 weekly

OP posts:
Tangelablue · 05/01/2024 16:40

As others have said, you need to let her face the consequences. You have tried to help, rescue and enable her and its got you nowhere. She chose not to spend her housing benefit on paying her rent expecting someone will sort everything out for her. Have social services started pre-proceedings?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/01/2024 16:41

Meme54 · 05/01/2024 16:37

@tribpot

Yes they are living together
mmm my husband would kick his as$ but yes I agree
He states he’s barcading himself on when the bailiffs come I said to her police will remove you

Op, gently, but just stop. Stop trying to fix her and solve all of her problems. You should probably pull back from communicating with her so much. Your daughter destroys everything she touches, including her own children, and I don't think she even really cares. I think she needs to know that you are disgusted with her, honestly. Your grandchildren are being kept by strangers, and god knows what else they will endure due to their own mother abandoning them. Any concern or effort should have gone to care for those children

It's just horrific.

Startyabastard · 05/01/2024 16:42

I can't even imagine how stressful this for you!!! Horrible!!!!!😥
Not the point but is she neuro diverse herself? I'm thinking from a help point of view, social services/the council might see this as a vulnerability and help her out more/signpost etc.
This sounds like an intensely nasty situation.
I would be very angry with her (as I'm sure you are) about her lying with regards to your partner. I can understand why doesn't want her living with you.

Angel222 · 05/01/2024 16:43

I would empathise if her daughter were 15 or 21 but 28 and a mum of a few kids, no. She had time to seek help and to turn her life around.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/01/2024 16:45

I’ve offered her the money to pay months rent in a flat

So you're going to be providing the roof over the head of her disgusting boyfriend? Omg, no. Why on earth would you do this?

viques · 05/01/2024 16:45

The only way she will start to sort herself out is sadly when she hits rock bottom and has no further to go, if you always cushion her from that she will always expect you to save her. It is your choice.

Daleksatemyshed · 05/01/2024 16:47

I understand it's hard for you to face the thought of your DD being homeless but what can you do Op? You can't take her in or you'll lose your own home, giving her more money won't help, you've bankrolled her enough and she's just spent it on anything but her bills, she even had benefits and didn't use them for her bills so why would this time be any different? The help your DD needs isn't money, it's help to get her life together, she's gone from one abusive relationship to another even to the point of letting her DC be taken away and now she has to pay the price.

ConstitutionHill · 05/01/2024 16:48

I think when someone is at the stage where they've been told by SS not to see a man who's a danger to children but they still do...... they have gone past reason.

She will just have to present as homeless to the council. Hopefully you can have some kinship contact with her kids when they are fostered.

Sorry you are going through this.

If your daughter comes to you it will go tits up anyway.

ClawedButler · 05/01/2024 16:50

Could she possibly have some underlying mental health issues? Wondering if ADHD (untreated adults many more times likely to fall foul of the system) or tendency to addiction (as in the preconditions exist) could be driving these poor choices and inability to "learn the lesson". I'm not trying to armchair diagnose, I just wondered whether a medical route would be worth exploring.

Sad as it is, giving her a soft place to land every time she falls is not preparing her for becoming independent. I think it's going to be really tough for you, as she will accuse you of being a terrible mother, throwing her out on the streets and all the rest of it. Please try to remember that this is not true - it's the absolute last resort after repeated good-faith attempts to help.

You can't reason with a wildfire, and throwing money at it won't help either. It just burns through the money and eventually burns you.

Much sympathy for both of you, you're in a horrible situation and I doubt your daughter is truly happy either.

Dacadactyl · 05/01/2024 16:50

@ConstitutionHill I think you've hit the nail on the head.

OP, when your grandkids were (presumably) on a Child Protection plan, your DD would have had help and support thrown at her like nothing else. She has to WANT to change, only then will she be able to confront her issues.

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 05/01/2024 16:56

She had you arrested and made up terrible lies about your DP after you’d done so much to help her?! Why would you want to have anything to do with her? Just because she’s determined to screw up her life in every way possible, you shouldn’t let her do the same to you.

mumda · 05/01/2024 16:56

Meme54 · 05/01/2024 16:23

@IncompleteSenten
yes I agree but work you see your child homeless ? She is penniless works 10 hours a week and there’s nothing where to rent

Thankyou

Just remember where your grandchildren are.

You have to make a break. Bailing her out has not yet helped.

Pinkbonbon · 05/01/2024 17:02

Could you get her a cheap caravan and let her park it outside? Or one that can ne attached to her car? Heck even just a van she can live in. Plenty of people do that.