Adult daughter homeless but abusive

[Meme54]

Hi my eldest daughter is 28
she has lost her children into care I had them several months but they are on spectrum and have been through alot and I couldn’t have them as they needed specialist carers.

my Daughter has had 3 abusive relationships.

We have helped her many many times, she has had thousands of £ from us - from us getting her flats to rent paying her rent and deposits and essential things for the kids and her and flats.

long story short
she choose to stay with the last guy over doing what child services asked her to do, she signed the paperwork saying she had to do everything they said or she’d lose her children - one was she wasn’t allowed to see him or the kids be anywhere near him, as he is on Claire’s law and is a danger to children. She didn’t do what she signed to agree = she lived in his flat with her children and said to the police I was harassing her so I’d stay away and not see what was going on. I was threatened to be arrested if I contacted her.

Now he has been taken to court months ago for non payment of rent, they had bailiff letter stuck to their door to several weeks ago, but they’ve ignored it all and now it’s a few days away
to eviction.
She lies alot and has about my husband looking at her untowards but admitted it was a lie later on.
shes been very abusive towards me many years and now she is homeless soon and it seems to befall on me again.
Her dad lives 120 miles away it’s better if she went there to get her away from this awful man but her dads said no he can’t help her and he said I should take her in.
3 times in the last year she came here but went back to him next day.

Her dad never did much for her and her sister never paid any child support or brought them clothes or rarely saw them.

My husband doesn’t want her here as anxious she may lie again
my landlord doesn’t want another adult where as if he wanted us out he can’t get her out or it costs alot

She can’t get help with council as she didn’t pay her rent in her last house and he’s not paid rent where he being evicted from, so they have made themself intentionally homeless.

so I don’t know what to do I can’t have her on the streets but my husband and landlord and won’t have her here.

help

Look on spare room.com. I'm talking about getting a lodging, not a flat

And yes spareroom is a good shout. I pity any poor people she moves in with though. Not really sure it's safe for her to stay with men and not really sure it's safe for other women to stay with her (as she has an abusive partner and form for picking them).

Ffs she's an adult. Stop enabling her

I can see that being popular with OPs neighbours.

Op have you posted about your DD before?

I agree with others, you need to keep your distance here. It's an awful situation.

What is YOUR plan then op, if you don’t want her on the streets? Baring in mind you’ve already tried her living with you, you’ve tried giving her money, and she’s no longer entitled to help from the council?

@Meme54 sorry OP but there are some people you just cant help and she is one of them!! you need to move on. you have tried your best and gone over and above but to no avail. nothing you have done has been appreciated.

If you and her father were no longer alive she would have to work it out for herself

Stop being a mug!

My friend has a brother who is homeless. He's in his 30s. Her DM did everything, threw so much money at rent, deposits. He got a room in a hostel but fucked that up by drinking so was thrown out. She tried putting him up but it was impossible with his lifestyle.

He lives in a tent now and has done for almost a year.

There gets to a point where you've done what you can and you have to walk away. Of course no one wants to see someone homeless, but she's had chance after chance and it has to end. You have to protect yourselves.

I hope you have already told her you obviously can’t help this time.
You have done more than most people would. You are NOT a bad mother if you refuse to take her in. Please practice how you will stick to your message if you are someone who breaks easily in any confrontation

Some areas have agencies that support mums who have had children removed such as with work housing, benefits, job, If you live in an area where The PAUSE project work- they could support her. Or ask social services if any similar services in your area.

You leave her be the grown up she is and take responsibility for her actions and sort herself out.

@Dacadactyl
they won’t help her she didn’t pay her rent
so it’s classed as being an intentionally homeless

@Sweetladyjane yes but she is vuberable so it’s not that simple

She's an adult .She needs to get her act together .

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 she won’t get help she’s made herself intentionally homeless

@Angel222 they won’t help her she didn’t pay rent means she’s made herself intentionally homeless

They won't help her get a nice new flat, but they don't just leave you on the street in my Borough anyway. They put you in the homeless shelter.

Husband is right. Some people need to hit rock bottom before they will do anything to help themselves. Honestly the children sound better off in care and will be protected from any consequences so yes, I would refuse to house her. Let her sleep rough a few nights and you may find her more willing to help herself.

@Essexmumma20
no we haven’t that here she lost her chicken 2 years ago

she came to us 3 times left him
she went to her friends and a refuge but goes back to him

when she goes back to him she sends me abusive messages

last time she was awful as I text her will she be back as cooking her dinner I need to know

she called me
controlling, insuffcate her it’s really hard for me as I take her in - clothe her feed her she gives me no money actually I give her money and she is abusive to me
I know I have to stop enabling her

Thankyou

What do you think will happen if you take her in OP? She'll still be with the partner she was willing to lose her children for, she'll not be making any contribution, you'll end up financially used and if past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour (and it is) she'll be quite capable of making false and damaging statements about your partner. If I were him, I'd be running for the hills if she moved in.

To be honest OP you're obviously just going to keep enabling her so I'm not sure what else you want people to say.

OP, I've been where you are and it's the most heartwrenching thing I've ever been through.
Not my child but my sister, and in the end I was the one sitting with a social worker signing the paper promising to never interact with her or I would lose custody of the (her's and abusive dead to OD shitbag's) kids.
No real advice to give because there isn't anything to do - she's an adult making her own shitty choices and all the people left behind can do is focus on the kids who didn't choose any of it. If she's using though you have to let her fall. Rock bottom is the only hope for addicts and people who are street homeless have plenty of outreach services to engage with when they're ready.

My sister is now completely off the radar, every time my phone says private number I'm expecting the worst but the kids are oddly fine. They remember some good things, and talk about the most horrifying things in a matter of fact way but it really seems they are relieved to be away from the chaos.

You are in my thoughts, it's an incredibly tough situation and very hard to find a safe space to talk about any of it. And not that it matters, but my parents are genuinely lovely caring people who gave us everything both emotionally and materially and my sister still did what she did because that is what she wanted to do.

@ClawedButler
her children are all high on the spectrum
her eldest had bloods sent to America for testing he has autism
she did too and she’s autistic but she’s not high but plays on it I feel.
she won’t get properly diagnosed ive asked and asked her too- when she was younger we tired to get help with her but back 22 years ago there was none then.

yes she has mental health problems this is why I help her as much but I haven’t any energy mentally left to keep going through this cycle of her loving me loads to despising me
my mother is the same abusive to me I had it 45 years from her

I just do what everyone wants as I grew up in chronic domestic volience and suffer GAD so I do it as if I don’t these people are abusive to me.

Her first partner she had 3 children in 26 months as 2 premies he hung himself aged 22
I got her away from him
then she meet no 2, 4 months later she took her 3 children 200 miles away told me 2 days before & it was all arranged .
They were also abusive mainly to the kids
She went into refuge

We helped her again with money 6 months for house rental here
2 weeks later she meet this one who is worse and lost her children and her home in 8 months as he cookooed her house and controlled her - I used to go round and say she will loose her children if she doesnt stop the drugs, parties and him away from her.

So she called the police lied I was harassing her
police said I’d be arrested
by the time I heard next 3-4 months later kids were plonked on my doorstep by SS

She last Xmas was pregnant again and went into a refuge police broke her door in arrested him
sadly she lost baby at 16 weeks but stopped contacting me at the end - she went back to him and it’s now at this stage

I give her a lot money regularly she doesn’t eat hardly all her teeth are bad and her dad gets angry when I text him about him helping .

TBh I think I’ll buy her a train ticket to go up to her dads as I can’t deal with much more

Thankyou x

What are you afraid of losing? You’ve lost her already.

She needs specialist help and money won’t solve that problem.

She on drugs? Drinking? Depressed? And on the spectrum?

You need to let her fail and be there when she needs it later on.

Stop enabling her!

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got." I read that here on Mumsnet, and it resonated.

You have always picked up the pieces, and she has always thrown abuse at you. Why would she not? In her mind, you accept her behaviour, she has no reason, no need, to stop. So YOU need to break the cycle. YOU need to say no to her, even if she turns up on your doorstep. Yes, you will feel terrible doing it. Buckle up, she'll ramp up the pressure and increase her abusiveness, believing it will pressure you back into line.

You do KNOW this is the best you can do for her really. If you cave, you're just keeping her where she is now; and you know that's not in her best interests. Your problem is actually doing it - saying no, you're not living here, no I won't give you money, no you're 28 and this is the life you've chosen.

Bolster your resolve with remembering that she was happy to place her children in danger. Be unhappy about what you need to do, but accept you need to do it, and just do it.

No I haven’t posted about her before x