Adult daughter homeless but abusive

[Meme54]

Hi my eldest daughter is 28
she has lost her children into care I had them several months but they are on spectrum and have been through alot and I couldn’t have them as they needed specialist carers.

my Daughter has had 3 abusive relationships.

We have helped her many many times, she has had thousands of £ from us - from us getting her flats to rent paying her rent and deposits and essential things for the kids and her and flats.

long story short
she choose to stay with the last guy over doing what child services asked her to do, she signed the paperwork saying she had to do everything they said or she’d lose her children - one was she wasn’t allowed to see him or the kids be anywhere near him, as he is on Claire’s law and is a danger to children. She didn’t do what she signed to agree = she lived in his flat with her children and said to the police I was harassing her so I’d stay away and not see what was going on. I was threatened to be arrested if I contacted her.

Now he has been taken to court months ago for non payment of rent, they had bailiff letter stuck to their door to several weeks ago, but they’ve ignored it all and now it’s a few days away
to eviction.
She lies alot and has about my husband looking at her untowards but admitted it was a lie later on.
shes been very abusive towards me many years and now she is homeless soon and it seems to befall on me again.
Her dad lives 120 miles away it’s better if she went there to get her away from this awful man but her dads said no he can’t help her and he said I should take her in.
3 times in the last year she came here but went back to him next day.

Her dad never did much for her and her sister never paid any child support or brought them clothes or rarely saw them.

My husband doesn’t want her here as anxious she may lie again
my landlord doesn’t want another adult where as if he wanted us out he can’t get her out or it costs alot

She can’t get help with council as she didn’t pay her rent in her last house and he’s not paid rent where he being evicted from, so they have made themself intentionally homeless.

so I don’t know what to do I can’t have her on the streets but my husband and landlord and won’t have her here.

help

I can see why it is tempting to ship her off somewhere else, but feel that even this is a mistake, as it is not you distancing yourself but looking to solve things for her. Have you got any help for yourself about your prior abuse and trauma? if it is making you repeat patterns that make you vulnerable then it seems like that would be important. I think you are looking for a way to resolve this so you dont have to feel uncomfortable, but that is never going to be an option here, unfortunately.

Op I read on here that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they take measures to help themselves and I think the same may be true for your daughter. There is help out there but she has to take responsibility, seek and accept it. You have absolutely done your best but it is not what she needs.

OP, you say:

I just do what everyone wants as I grew up in chronic domestic volience and suffer GAD so I do it as if I don’t these people are abusive to me.

But she's abusive to you when you do what she wants as well, so the people pleasing is not protecting you from abuse. And it's not helping her help herself, so you need to break the cycle. Protect yourself, cut the rope. for you, this must be unbelievably difficult.

What a very difficult situation to be in op. I'm a housing officer for my LA and if your DD accrued arrears on her previous tenancy as a direct result of not being in control of her finances (A result of DV) then we are able to make a case to eligibility panel to allow access to housing. The Children's Social Worker should be able to provide supporting evidence of this to submit as it would have formed part of the proceedings to remove

@Mrgrinch
Nice reply
do you feel happy now ?

@Mamofteenager
thankyou for this I have screen shot your help I can send her this x

She said they had bloods sent to america to confirm autism? What?

@Nineteendays

yes seen them it’s genetic testing
they get it from the male side of the family

I lost a baby 20 weeks pregnant they sent her tissue off for genetic testing

my brother passed away he had to have tissue sent away to ID him

all to America it’s common

This is such a difficult situation and every parents worse nightmare BUT shes nearly 30 years old. When is she going to take some responsibility here? Youve done so much to support her and your grandkids over the years. You are going to have to take a step back and allow her to take stock. Signpost her to local homeless shelters. Its heart breaking i get that but the more you help her, the less she is likely to keep on with it. You can lead a horse to water and all that… get some counselling for yourself in the meantime. Know youve done all you can

I didn’t think you could genetically test for autism though

Why are people being vile to the OP?
You have done your best for this woman, as I would for my brother or any other relative. What an awful situation!!! Christ, I'd be worrying every minute... because you do even if the person you care about is making ridiculous decisions.
I'd give my left arm if it was my sibling... and the OP has.
You've done all you can, OP but for the people calling you silly for not giving up sooner can fuck off.
You're doing great OP. 👍
Is there a possibility that she can talk more to charities/the council about her autism? They might be swayed despite her past decisions.
Yes I know I've already mentioned that but I have severe adhd myself and I don't do this, but it is something to factor in.
I'm not validating her appalling behaviour btw.

You can't test for autism using a blood sample.

Frankly you are in a tough situation. I don't think I would be able to see my daughter on the streets. I would probably take her in temporarily.

I would outline to her her options, which seem to be to stay with this man, who is abusive and has already lost her her kids, on the streets, or to ask for help to break the pattern, call women's aid and beg for a bed in a refuge and an opportunity to turn her life around. That's it really, there's not a lot of alternatives, and neither road is going to be easy but only the second path has the potential of things getting better the other side of some hard work.

@Startyabastard
thankyou

they do tend to rip OP apart on here sadly not sure why

I am trying to why her to seek help I can’t do it as she’s over 18
o keep sending her links and help ideas
she has had everything handed to her so I see why she excepts more

Thankyou for your kind words x

It's very common in the Facebook groups I'm on for autism parents in America.

2015 she had a test done by NHs sent to America I’ve seen it things change weekly here but her children have autism ADHD Asperger’s she has BPD and 100% autism so it is true

it won’t be temporary I have 3 adult daughters my middle one is 24 still at home living very cheap tbh I can’t afford another here and my landlord said no and my husband she has told many lies and abused us all many years

@Wibblywobblylikejelly

ibe seen the letter so I don’t know why people need to suggest I’m lying

thanks x

If she ends up rough sleeping she probably will get some help as there's a push by govt for councils to reduce rough sleeping. Possibly a shelter/hostel place as she sounds like she has some vulnerability and dv history too. There are often street teams go round to try and persuade rough sleepers to go to shelters etc. To accept help etc.
Don't take her in as then she won't be pushed into that help.

@Betwixpotter

She was placed by police guard in a refuge NYE 2022 pregnant
police broke his door down arrested him for DV DA she lost baby at 16 weeks stop contacting me
3-4 months after she text she was back with him
she was placed miles away not near at all

she’s left him 5 times I know of 3 times she came here and a friend and the refuge

I had SS report what he did to the children she stayed with him and goes back to him
I’ve tried everything

You've definitely posted about her before and even used the phrases high and low on the spectrum.

You are getting the same advice as last time too.

@Fluffyhoglets

thankyou it’s making me feel poorly I have an annual mammogram next week as I had breast cancer cells 3 years ago and atm it’s all consuming x

@Gingerkittykat well this account is new I haven’t been on NM for years and years
what a wrong with you ? Please leave me alone

u forsy post was about an offer on a house last month no posts about my DD

you do know many post about autism etc

please stop commenting ok
it reading your pasts anyway as it’s strange you keep on
Even if I did post why would it matter to you ?

I highly recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger if your daughter has BPD.

My heart goes out to you, what a horrific, heartbreaking situation to be in.

Bloody hell, you really have tried to help haven't you.
I would 100% do the same.
I don't think you can do any more.
Well done for keeping the energy up
xxxxx 💐

I'm sorry it must be really hard to see your daughter throw away all the help offered to her. Until she's ready to make the changes she needs herself I'm not sure what you can do. If she does end up rough sleeping, the rough sleeping team will find her a hostel place eventually, but will be harder if she won't stay without the boyfriend. Hopefully the relationship will not stand the test of time, and when faced with the consequences of her actions she will face up to it and make the changes she needs.