Adult daughter homeless but abusive

[Meme54]

Hi my eldest daughter is 28
she has lost her children into care I had them several months but they are on spectrum and have been through alot and I couldn’t have them as they needed specialist carers.

my Daughter has had 3 abusive relationships.

We have helped her many many times, she has had thousands of £ from us - from us getting her flats to rent paying her rent and deposits and essential things for the kids and her and flats.

long story short
she choose to stay with the last guy over doing what child services asked her to do, she signed the paperwork saying she had to do everything they said or she’d lose her children - one was she wasn’t allowed to see him or the kids be anywhere near him, as he is on Claire’s law and is a danger to children. She didn’t do what she signed to agree = she lived in his flat with her children and said to the police I was harassing her so I’d stay away and not see what was going on. I was threatened to be arrested if I contacted her.

Now he has been taken to court months ago for non payment of rent, they had bailiff letter stuck to their door to several weeks ago, but they’ve ignored it all and now it’s a few days away
to eviction.
She lies alot and has about my husband looking at her untowards but admitted it was a lie later on.
shes been very abusive towards me many years and now she is homeless soon and it seems to befall on me again.
Her dad lives 120 miles away it’s better if she went there to get her away from this awful man but her dads said no he can’t help her and he said I should take her in.
3 times in the last year she came here but went back to him next day.

Her dad never did much for her and her sister never paid any child support or brought them clothes or rarely saw them.

My husband doesn’t want her here as anxious she may lie again
my landlord doesn’t want another adult where as if he wanted us out he can’t get her out or it costs alot

She can’t get help with council as she didn’t pay her rent in her last house and he’s not paid rent where he being evicted from, so they have made themself intentionally homeless.

so I don’t know what to do I can’t have her on the streets but my husband and landlord and won’t have her here.

help

Where does she sleep, op, literally in the street, in hostels or on friends' sofas?

This must be so hard for you but you cannot go on bailing her out indefinitely. You need some sound, professional advice.

Autistic and BPD, she's so vulnerable OP I can understand why you're desperate to help her despite her terrible behaviour. The thing is this is probably not out of the ordinary behaviour for someone with those diagnoses. She desperately needs professional help - DBT I think is considered the best thing but you can't make her have it and who knows how long the waiting list is. I think all you can do OP is as much as you can from a distance. You have to protect yourself.

I worked in a homeless shelter 20+ years ago. Some of our residents had been given an abundance of help from friends/family before arriving yet it was only when they reached rock bottom and weren’t enabled (facing in some cases the consequences of their actions) that those able to rebuild their lives if they really wanted to did so. There is support available for those with no fixed abode. Sadly not all make it but you, your husband and your grandchildren have been treated pretty badly already. If she moves in with you is there any guarantee she or associate’s won’t steal or take/deal drugs from your home? Any risk your association will impact your ability to see your grandchildren? It seems very unfair she didn’t put the needs of her children first yet expects you to again pick up the pieces. So sorry you’re going through it. Extremely selfish behaviour and could be underlying substance abuse or worse in background.

@Gingerkittykat

so what did I post please show me my user name meme54 and my OP I made about DD

do you always stalk OP and try and shame them

maybe seek some help for that.

My mom is homeless. No I won't house her. Neither would my grandma ( she's now dead) because she was abusive and a drug addict.

My mom asks me for money and threatens to hurt herself.

You take care of yourself. In fact, saying no to her is probably the healthiest thing you can do for both of you.

She needs to see you respect yourself. She also needs to learn how to respect herself.

It's understandable that you don't want to see her on the streets, but even loosing her children because of this man wasn't enough of a wake up call. She needs to do this on her own as hard as it will be for you, whatever you've done in the past still hasn't made her wake up. What an awful situation for you to be in.

@RedRock41 that's an interesting perspective, I can't imagine being like that because I've never been given enough help. Could be promising for the OP's sister.

I wouldn't give her the money for a flat. For one thing I'd be so angry with her about the decisions she's made that the very last thing I'd be doing is giving her money. For another thing, I wouldn't actually want any landlord to have to put up with her not paying any rent.

I would distance yourself as far as you can from her. I think your efforts need to go towards your grandchildren, if possible and your partner. Your daughter is using you, I'm afraid.

What is the history with your daughter? Why is she like this?

Help her find herself a room in a house share. Pay her deposit. She can claim UC and housing benefit should cover cost of her room.

Kindly, she has had chance after chance. She hasn't ever taken stock of the situation and been any better?
She's been evicted repeatedly. She's had repeated fresh starts paid for by yourself.

She is 28 years of age, she needs to start looking in the mirror and figuring out a way for herself.

She could leave her abusive partner and a DV charity would help to see a roof over her head, but she needs to make better decisions.

I'm sorry, but unless there are complex needs here that you haven't gone into, I have very little empathy for her.
Many of us have been standing on our own two feet since our teens, she needs to sort her own life out at nearly 30 or you'll spend the rest of your life sorting her mess out.

Why isn't she thinking of you, or her children?

It's not that I would see my daughter homeless, but I would be so angry with her for accusing my husband and for the way she's put her children at risk, that I would not risk my own family for her sake. You have paid thousands and thousands of pounds and got absolutely nowhere with her. I wouldn't give her another penny and I would not let her stay with me. The very most I would do is give her a meal in a cafe. I would not let her in my house. I think she would steal from you and could accuse you and your husband of anything. Also, it is his home as well and his money as well so that needs to be seriously considered. I know this sounds really hard, but if you keep treating her well, she has no incentive to change.

@Gingerkittykat it's absolutely none of your business how many times she has posted here. Can't you see she's in a terrible state? Any of us would be in that situation. Leave her alone and stop fucking stalking her.

Exactly my point.

You sound like a lovely caring lady OP .
I think you need to look after yourself and take a step back. Your H is right.
She needs to be accountable for her own future, you can’t live her life for her, she needs to solve this without you

Couldn’t agree more.

Oh OP, you really have gone above and beyond for your DD, but whatever you do will never be enough
She has to want to climb up from rock bottom herself
Your DD is vulnerable but you need to protect yourself too

"so I don’t know what to do I can’t have her on the streets but my husband and landlord and won’t have her here."

@Meme54, everyone is telling you the same thing - there is absolutely nothing that you can do for her. Your daughter must face this herself, 'this' being the inevitable consequences of her own, prolonged, actions.

The only thing you CAN do is to be kind to yourself. For starters, stop blaming yourself. You've already gone above and beyond, and did it make things right? No, it didn't. It couldn't. You led the horse to water, it refused to drink and chose instead to piss in it. Accept the reality that you cannot help her. Indeed, accept the reality that you should not help her, as it just prolongs her defiance. And accept that it's OK for you to be distressed that you cannot help her, but not OK to punish yourself for it.((hug))

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4971230-eldest-daughter-abusive-and-homelessness?reply=131746582

Your post from the 27th of December.

I didn't stalk you btw, I remembered your post. It was only after you posted your replies to me I went back on my threads i had posted on and found this thread.

Why lie?

Meme54

so I don’t know what to do I can’t have her on the streets

Look at this from a slightly different angle. The best thing you can do, is to step away and do nothing. Sometimes doing nothing - is the right thing to do. It can also be the hardest thing you've ever done. She may get her act together, she may not. No one knows how things will pan out. However what we do know is that you are risking your marriage and your home if you bring her home with you. She may also want to bring the boyfriend. She may steal from you, bring drugs into the house and her presence will risk any future relationship you can negotiate with your grandchildren. In other words she will bring you down with her. I realise what I and others are saying is hard to read and you must be so worried and scared.

@Gingerkittykat - leave the woman be - she's beside herself. Sometimes people need to ask the same questions over and over, and receive the same answers over and over before they can take that first step. Emotions are high & intense and it's not possible to think logically. MN is a source of help and support - if you can't offer that, then read and move on

It used to annoy me when someone posts again after getting good advice but that was my own ego talking, maybe the op didn't like or consider the advice good or maybe wanted other opinions and options... or just needee support again.
Some people might repost the same thread to gain visibility as they think the old thread is done and burried.
Sometimes people are in an emotional, mental state or overwhelmed or drinking that they don't have good memories to remember their old thread.
Being right isn't always the most important thing. The clear thing is op still looking for.advice and support which many are and have been happy to oblige with.

Then just don't.

Truly. There's only so much you can do and you've done it constantly.

She's not going to change if she doesn't have to.

Replace your wishbone with a backbone and tell her no. End of. No reason. No is a complete sentence.

Being kind doesn’t always look like kindness.

You being kind to you DD is unkind to your DH - it may also be unkind to your grandchildren.

This is your conflict.

Sometimes you have to pick a team.

Make a decision. Once you have decided, you’ll feel more in control. Make a plan, write it down.

Stick to it.

You can tell your DD the door is always open when 1 she is clean and free of drug, she is free of abusive man, she had life goals, etc etc.

She needs you to be strong so she can feed off your strength.

Honestly I've supported a family member with similar. You cannot help your daughter if she won't engage with relevant people to help herself and leave the abusive partner. Give her all the information here about who she can contact for help and support, don't give her money directly because you don't know it isn't going to the partner or that she will use it in the right way. There are organisations that will help her and try to prevent her being homeless, and her social worker should help, but I think you may need to face the fact that help will be limited if she stays with her partner and if she's not willing to leave him there's nothing you can do.

I know she's your daughter and it's hard, but you will not help her in the long run if you keep enabling her.

@Gingerkittykat

thays this post are you not okay ?
you’ve attached this post to me saying I keep posting the same thing

it’s people telling hi me on my post you do know how NM work and forums multiple people give you advice and you reply to them

go away you’re really rude and obsessive