Adult daughter homeless but abusive

[Meme54]

Hi my eldest daughter is 28
she has lost her children into care I had them several months but they are on spectrum and have been through alot and I couldn’t have them as they needed specialist carers.

my Daughter has had 3 abusive relationships.

We have helped her many many times, she has had thousands of £ from us - from us getting her flats to rent paying her rent and deposits and essential things for the kids and her and flats.

long story short
she choose to stay with the last guy over doing what child services asked her to do, she signed the paperwork saying she had to do everything they said or she’d lose her children - one was she wasn’t allowed to see him or the kids be anywhere near him, as he is on Claire’s law and is a danger to children. She didn’t do what she signed to agree = she lived in his flat with her children and said to the police I was harassing her so I’d stay away and not see what was going on. I was threatened to be arrested if I contacted her.

Now he has been taken to court months ago for non payment of rent, they had bailiff letter stuck to their door to several weeks ago, but they’ve ignored it all and now it’s a few days away
to eviction.
She lies alot and has about my husband looking at her untowards but admitted it was a lie later on.
shes been very abusive towards me many years and now she is homeless soon and it seems to befall on me again.
Her dad lives 120 miles away it’s better if she went there to get her away from this awful man but her dads said no he can’t help her and he said I should take her in.
3 times in the last year she came here but went back to him next day.

Her dad never did much for her and her sister never paid any child support or brought them clothes or rarely saw them.

My husband doesn’t want her here as anxious she may lie again
my landlord doesn’t want another adult where as if he wanted us out he can’t get her out or it costs alot

She can’t get help with council as she didn’t pay her rent in her last house and he’s not paid rent where he being evicted from, so they have made themself intentionally homeless.

so I don’t know what to do I can’t have her on the streets but my husband and landlord and won’t have her here.

help

@Angel222

sorry I’ve not reposted anything @Gingerkittykat is stating because ive replied to people on this post THIS POST is me reposting about this before

NO THIS IS MY ONLY POST PEOPLE ARE REPLYING TO ME, I AM RESPONDING TO THEYRE REPLY - THATS WHAT YOU DO on FORUMS
THIS IS MY ONLY POST ABOUT THIS WHY @Gingerkittykat keeps on and on is weird as she’s said I have posted this before meaningI haven’t - THIS post of the only one I’m politely replying to people who comment

Theu think as lots of people are commenting and I’m replying to them im
it listening 👂 HAVENT MADE MORE RJAJ ONE POST ABOUT THIS AS THEY ARE STATING
THEY HAVE NOW SAID 3-4 TIMES IVE REPOSTED THIS MADE A POST ABOUT RHIS BEFORE 100000% I HAVENT THIS IS THIS IS THE ONLY POST IBE MADE ABOUT THUS SUBJECT
THEY PUT A LINK ON THIS POST SAYINH SEE YOU HAVE MADE A POST ABOUT RHIS BEFORE ——- NO I HAVENT AS THE LINK IS FROM ‘’THIS POST ‘
They seem confused and are harassing me now.

In these circumstances yes I think you have to

How will it work with the harassment allegations? She got you to go away once by calling the police she could get you kicked out of your own home arrested and homeless

Leave her to sort herself out this time

You need to let her stand or fall on her own. You bailing her out every time is doing her no favours.

How can she stay with you when she's accused your husband as she has!

Meme

Enabling your DD as you have done has not worked, it will continue to not work and has only given you a false sense of control. You are going to have to walk away from her completely. She will continue to drag you down with her into her pit otherwise.

I would also suggest therapy from a BACP registered therapist for yourself re your people pleasing behaviour which has come about as a result of your own chaotic and abusive childhood. People pleasing often comes about from wanting to parent please an otherwise abusive parent. This trait has done you no favours and is problematic in its own right.

An analogy:

I did a First Aid course years ago, and the first thing the trainers stressed was that you have to take care of yourself before you take care of the person you're trying to aid, otherwise you're likely to be no aid to them at all.

The example given was - you see a person unconscious on the floor, you don't know what has happened to bring this about. You rush over and try to put them into the recovery position - and you get electrocuted too. Now, someone else has two unconscious/dead people to help. The correct thing to do was to stay where you are and use your eyes to identify what might have been the cause, see that there's water around them and an electrical appliance on the floor - switch off the power supply, then approach them cautiously.

Bottom line, you're no use to the person who needs help if you just end up on the floor beside them.

That's where you are right now. You are risking homelessness to stop her being homeless. So, if you are to be any help at all to her, you need to stand back, assess the situation, acknowledge what brought it about. In this case (continuing the First Aid analogy) you cannot switch off the power supply, because the power supply is her choices. So you need to stand back and let the equivalent of the Fire Brigade take over. You need to accept that you cannot help her. And you need to protect yourself from electrocution / homelessness / marriage breakdow / physical and mental breakdown of yourself.

Be kind to yourself. Stand back.

I’m really confused with this post malarkey! It doesn’t bother me that you’ve requested help with the same situation. But you have posted about this before on 27th December on the Mental Health board and yet you are saying you haven’t?

Either way my suggestion is the same. You have done so much and will burn out of you continue trying to help her. She needs to face the consequences of her actions and behaviour and let professional agency’s help her now. You have tried everything @Meme54 and this isn’t your fault or your problem to fix this time. You need to look after yourself and not take more on.

So fucking hard op

if you take her back you lose your sanity , maybe your relationship and home

if you leave her to it you might lose her

I’d not judge you for whatever decision you make OP
and maybe after 28 years you need to be brutal

don’t worry I’ll delete my count as people like you cause suicide

please please don’t
the majority of people will help
and sounds you are really struggling right now xxx

You let her get evicted and don’t take her in

she is 28, made some horrible choices which she now lives with the consequences off, she is not your responsibility any more. Her father has refused, you refused, she goes to the council as homeless when evicted and she takes it from there

OP no-one is trying to get at you for starting several threads but I think you are confusing "posts" and "threads" perhaps. You started this current thread yesterday. You started the other thread, a separate one, linked earlier, on 27th Dec.

People aren't trying to catch you out but they are remembering when they have read similar before and wondering if it's the same situation, usually so the same questions don't get asked and fill up the thread.
Probably people wanted to direct you to the other thread so you could see other replies about a similar situation, then realised it was the same one.

Most people are giving the same advice on this thread - obviously they can only go on what you have posted.

What a dreadful choice for you. Utterly heartbreaking that your DD has come to this pass and lost her children to the care system despite your support.

Would a womens refuge or a hostel have space for her where you can see and support her? I think even though your DD didnt pay her rent that if she presents as homeless the council will have to offer her something (B&B, hostel) and the accomodation money will be paid direct to the providers rather than your DD. Will she go with you to the GP and get some counselling and medication arranged? Is there a local charity who can help with a support group for her and also for you (seperately) maybe Women's Aid and their courses in helping women see why and how they choose abusive men and break the pattern?

Sometimes things have to get worse before they can start getting better

Yes. She will be offered somewhere to stay if she is homeless, it won't be great but it will be a roof over her head. I don't know where you are but my council has outreach teams that will go and speak to homeless people and offer support with all aspects of homelessness, hostels, benefits etc.

I think you are in danger of destroying your own living situation if you allow her to move back in. It is not fair to your DP and he is right to be wary of her accusations. It is also not fair to you.

You are enabling her.

The most loving thing you can do at this point is stand back and let her face her own choices.

My ex's mum has enabled my ex all his life and it has turned him into a truly horrible human being with no sense of responsibility whatever.

You can do no more for your daughter.

OP, as hard as it sounds, she is 28 and had many opportunities in the past. She seems really disturbed and difficult. I think that professional help would be the best for her.
You can support her in many ways that doesn't required to enable her in the dynamic she is into.
I know is hard but by your post I think it will be the best for her.

Don’t give her any money but pay rent on a room. At least then it gets paid.

Definitely signpost to any homeless charities that can help too. She may be entitled to PIP. It honestly sounds like you have done so much, so put yourself first.