Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Feeling 2nd best

127 replies

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 13:26

Hi, I’ll try another post as I didn’t get much feedback from the last 1 …

Would anyone be with a guy, knowing he fancies another girl more, and the only reason he’s not with her is because she’s not into him? Sounds a bit OTT but that’s basically the case with my current boyfriend of 6 years.

He’s admitted he’s had a huge crush on 1 of my old friends for years, and the literal words that left his mouth were, ‘ If she ever felt the same it would be very dangerous’.

I’ve spoken to her before just having general girl chat and she’s definitely not into him in that way so I’d have nothing to worry about there, but it’s making me feel like 2nd best.

I don’t hang around with her anymore so there’s no way he’d be able to see her and ‘lust over her’ which I imagine he did when we used to hang out, but knowing she’s probably always going to be in the back of his head kind of upsets me. He even said he’d probably date her if we ever split up.

I get people are going to find other people attractive in day to day life, but I kind of feel like he’s crossed a massive line.

He’s apologized and said he thought we’d been together long enough now to be honest with eachother.

Anyway, all opinions welcome. Thank you for reading. H xx

OP posts:

RoughAsABadgersArse · 05/01/2024 13:27

I think you are being a mug

find someone more worthy

betterangels · 05/01/2024 13:29

Six years you've been with this guy knowing this? Please have more respect for yourself. Seriously.

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 13:29

Should you leave someone though for having a crush on someone else? I’m obviously downplaying it a bit but that’s basically the bones of it.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 05/01/2024 13:30

He's incredibly disrespectful and stupid to tell you, what's he achieved by telling you any of that?

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 13:31

No he’s only just recently told me. So we hung out with her and her bf on and off for about 4 years but haven’t really seen them for the past couple, just due to them only ever wanting to drink and us liking to do other things too.

OP posts:

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 13:40

I don’t actually know. We were on a walk
and it was just 1 of those deep conversations. I’d imagine he regrets telling me but it’s too late now.

OP posts:

RowanMayfair · 05/01/2024 13:44

So he said recently that if she was into him it would be 'dangerous'
No coming back from that

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 13:45

Yeah. He said he wouldn’t cheat on me but he’d be ‘devastated’ and would have to stay away from her. It actually sounds 10 times worse when I write it down.

OP posts:

SamW98 · 05/01/2024 14:02

Sorry OP but there’s zero coming back from this. Basically he’s telling you if she was single he couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t be going after her.
Hes a disrespectful twat - move on and don’t look back.

pictoosh · 05/01/2024 14:03

No I wouldn't. I am not to be settled for.

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 14:07

No, He said he has 0 loyalty to her boyfriend and would get with her if he was single regardless if she was still with him.

OP posts:

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/01/2024 14:08

No, I'm no one's second best, and I'm not spending my life wondering if my partner would rather be with someone else - or waiting to see what happens if an opportunity for him to act on it presented itself!

pictoosh · 05/01/2024 14:10

Well what an absolute arsehole.
Mind you, you're sitting there listening to this, so....

SamW98 · 05/01/2024 14:10

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 14:07

No, He said he has 0 loyalty to her boyfriend and would get with her if he was single regardless if she was still with him.

Please tell us you’ve dumped this complete arsehole

istolethetalisker · 05/01/2024 14:12

There’s a big difference between having a crush and telling your partner you fancy one of their friends more than you fancy your partner

Userengage · 05/01/2024 14:14

Him saying that would make me instantaneously dislike him so we would be over.

Bature · 05/01/2024 14:16

How do you think he’d react if you said that you had a massive crush on one of his mates and if he fancied you ‘it would be dangerous’?

Rania78 · 05/01/2024 14:16

No. I have a lot of self-respect to be 2nd best and for someone to stay with me because he couldn’t have another woman. And tell this into my face.
Move on and find someone for whom you are the 1st option.

ComorosPearl · 05/01/2024 14:17

That sounds so sad for you. What a stupid, hurtful thing to say. He'd dump you in a heartbeat if she'd have him, basically. I couldn't forgive that hurt & disrespect and, as you say, knowing you are second best in his eyes. Dump him. Someone else will love you more, love YOU fully & joyfully. Best wishes to you.

Weightlossworry · 05/01/2024 14:18

I couldn't stay with him. Not just that he said it but that he feels this way about someone else and not you.

Mielbee · 05/01/2024 14:23

I'm sorry, OP, what an awful thing to hear. He did cross a massive line there, basically saying he would cheat on you if only she would have him. And the cheek to say he thought you'd been together long enough to say that?! Length of relationship has nothing to do with being able to treat your partner terribly. I don't see how you can come back from that in all honesty, and if you could it would only be through relationship counselling to help him understand and properly apologise ('sorry, but' is not a real apology at all). Then work out if and how you could rebuild trust. I feel for you.

Olika · 05/01/2024 14:30

God no. I would have dumbed him when he said all that.

LightSpeeds · 05/01/2024 14:32

Wow, he sounds like a prize!

Namechangesab · 05/01/2024 14:32

Christ OP I very rarely say this but please don't settle for this.

I have a similarish situation except it's an ex of his (of all of 3 months over a decade ago but his 'first love'). He initially told me he'd 'always choose her' and she once told me the only reason he's with me is because she didn't choose him. There have been many more examples of similar behaviour.

The thing is I know there's no chance of them having an affair and I'm not a jealous person generally but at this point it's the disrespect that's the issue. And to me it sounds like that is the issue in your relationship. I meant who says that to their partner?? Yes everyone gets crushes and maybe has a 'one that got away' but you generally keep it to yourself. And fine to discuss crushes on celebrities etc (H and I both have a list of celebs that we joke about choosing if they'd ever go for us etc). That is entirely different to talking in the way your DP has about an actual friend.

I don't know, maybe it's an overreaction (H certainly thinks so and is saying I'm jealous and controlling etc) but to me I've finally got a backbone and put some boundaries in place and I'm happy to walk if they're not respected.

howlismoving · 05/01/2024 14:33

It's incredibly disrespectful that he's told you all this. He should respect your feelings more than to speak openly about this and he is disrespecting you further by fuelling his own thoughts about it rather than trying to put it aside and move on from it internally and be more committed to you. This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread