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Original poster

Feeling 2nd best

127 replies

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 13:26

Hi, I’ll try another post as I didn’t get much feedback from the last 1 …

Would anyone be with a guy, knowing he fancies another girl more, and the only reason he’s not with her is because she’s not into him? Sounds a bit OTT but that’s basically the case with my current boyfriend of 6 years.

He’s admitted he’s had a huge crush on 1 of my old friends for years, and the literal words that left his mouth were, ‘ If she ever felt the same it would be very dangerous’.

I’ve spoken to her before just having general girl chat and she’s definitely not into him in that way so I’d have nothing to worry about there, but it’s making me feel like 2nd best.

I don’t hang around with her anymore so there’s no way he’d be able to see her and ‘lust over her’ which I imagine he did when we used to hang out, but knowing she’s probably always going to be in the back of his head kind of upsets me. He even said he’d probably date her if we ever split up.

I get people are going to find other people attractive in day to day life, but I kind of feel like he’s crossed a massive line.

He’s apologized and said he thought we’d been together long enough now to be honest with eachother.

Anyway, all opinions welcome. Thank you for reading. H xx

OP posts:
Janieforever · 05/01/2024 14:34

Oh I’m sorry op. I think you need to end it, you are second best to him and your self esteem cannot be healthy if you’re with someone who wants someone else.

NewYearNewMeBullshit · 05/01/2024 14:38

I'd be out of there faster than a fart in the wind 💨

TheSlantedOwl · 05/01/2024 14:47

Whaaaat? OP your self esteem must be sub-zero to accept this shit. Dump him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore · 05/01/2024 14:50

Not a cat in hells chance would I be second in line.

Oh hang on - if a mans got kids then the kids come first - I get that and totally accept it. But i'm next.

Wishimaywishimight · 05/01/2024 14:51

Her feelings are completely irrelevant, whether she would want him or not - who cares?

You feel like 2nd best because, to him, you are, and he has told you this. He is with you ONLY because this other woman, who he would rather be with, doesn't want him.

Perhaps you can live with this. I couldn't.

Original poster
HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 15:15

So since the conversation I’ve made him block her on all social media, which I could tell he really didn’t want to do. Obviously can’t perv on her photos / Instagram stories etc anymore. I’ve said I don’t want him speaking to her if he sees her out in public etc. But then I’m thinking he should act like this without me telling him too.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 05/01/2024 15:16

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 15:15

So since the conversation I’ve made him block her on all social media, which I could tell he really didn’t want to do. Obviously can’t perv on her photos / Instagram stories etc anymore. I’ve said I don’t want him speaking to her if he sees her out in public etc. But then I’m thinking he should act like this without me telling him too.

What? How does that help anything? It makes it worse. He’s not going to want you more because he is being controlled by you.

Riseandshinee · 05/01/2024 15:20

Get all his stuff together put it outside then say “you, out now”. You won’t regret it

Chocpot1986 · 05/01/2024 15:25

It never ceases to amaze me the things that come out of some mens mouths. They can be such fuckers. He sounds like a complete tool OP. I would have his bags packed and out the front. So disrespectful to you! You are worth so much more than that and I think now he has said it you wouldn’t be able to forget it.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/01/2024 15:25

Don't make him your priority when he only sees you as an option.

Rania78 · 05/01/2024 15:25

He is such a stupid man for saying this and you are such a lucky woman that he showed you his true feelings and now you can get rid of him.

howlismoving · 05/01/2024 15:26

I'm afraid I agree with @Janieforever this will make her even more desirable to him. I wouldn't be able to continue a relationship knowing my partner would prefer to be with someone else - also the dangerous comment is saying if she wanted to be with him your relationship would be in question. It shouldn't be that way after so long together - he should choose you with no doubt!

Dontbeme · 05/01/2024 15:48

So what happens if he meets another woman that does show interest? He has told you what he would do (bin you without any hesitation) so believe him and find someone who thinks the world of you, that won't have you begging for crumbs. This guy is in this situationship with you until something better comes along and you deserve so much more than that.

ComorosPearl · 05/01/2024 15:49

He's only grudgingly blocked her because you insisted. How on earth has that solved anything? Nothing's changed. You're still not his priority. Don't settle for this.

SamW98 · 05/01/2024 15:52

So you’re blaming and punishing her by cutting her off but staying with him? Sorry OP but he’s the one you need to be cutting out of your life not her.

She'll still be in his head and he’ll find ways to get in touch.

Why are you staying with someone who has no respect for you? Sorry but keeping him on a tight leash and telling him who ha can and can’t speak to doesn’t change anything.

nc42day · 05/01/2024 15:56

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 14:07

No, He said he has 0 loyalty to her boyfriend and would get with her if he was single regardless if she was still with him.

There's a difference between finding other people attractive (which is completely normal, you don't grow scales over your eyes when you're in a relationship) and this. Which is every bit as disrespectful as you fear it is.

Pumpkinpie1 · 05/01/2024 15:59

Run

HowAmYa · 05/01/2024 16:04

Jesus christ OP please get more respect for yourself.

Making him block her is you controlling him. That's what this situation had done to you. Made you want to control who he can and cannot have on his SM.

What you should be doing is taking control of your own life and dumping this dickhead.

Don't turn yourself someone you don't recognise because of him. You deserve so much better than this. Never EVER settle for someone who makes you feel like this.

MaxTalk · 05/01/2024 16:16

He won't care about another man if he gets the girl he wants.

Life is tough but move on.

Original poster
HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 16:37

So what boundaries would people set if making him block her on social media and not speaking to her was wrong?

OP posts:
ConstitutionHill · 05/01/2024 16:40

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 13:29

Should you leave someone though for having a crush on someone else? I’m obviously downplaying it a bit but that’s basically the bones of it.

Downplaying? You mean the reality is even worse. Wow.

SamW98 · 05/01/2024 16:42

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 16:37

So what boundaries would people set if making him block her on social media and not speaking to her was wrong?

Dump his disrespectful arse. He’s got no respect for you and admitted he would go after another woman if he got the chance - find your dignity. Is this all you think you’re worth?

Bature · 05/01/2024 16:43

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 16:37

So what boundaries would people set if making him block her on social media and not speaking to her was wrong?

Seriously? For most people, this is beyond ‘setting boundaries’. This man not only wants someone else, he has so little regard for you that he actually told you.

I’m really not understanding how anyone with a modicum of self respect stays in a relationship after that.

Cynical85 · 05/01/2024 16:45

I'm sorry but I agree with everyone else.

You are correct in saying he should have cut her off if he felt he had a crush on her out of respect for you, but it's not even a silly crush. He is basically telling you he would leave you for her and would be party to cheating on her boyfriend....I mean, wtf??

Forcing him to block and not speak to her will only make her more desirable to him and feel resentful towards you - neither of those things are going to help your self esteem. Plus, how do you know he'll actually ignore her if he bumps into her? Or that he won't make up a new social media account?

You know now exactly what kind of person he is and how little respect he has for you.

You deserve better, don't waste another moment.

MonsteraMama · 05/01/2024 16:45

Oh my god, get some self respect and dump this loser! He's literally openly told you he'd drop you like a bag of hot shit if she showed even the slightest interest in him.

There's a huge difference between having a crush on someone and whatever this is. I've had a few crushes during my 17 year relationship, the difference is they were passing fancies and I'd never even consider 1) telling my husband about them or 2) persuing them in any way. As such they quickly fizzle out. Your boyfriend has done both 1 and 2 openly and without shame, showing you a tremendous amount of disrespect. And yes, thinking about what he'd do if you two split up, or considering how he might act if she expressed interest in him is him actively psychologically persuing this "crush".

There are no boundaries you can ever enforce that will make him see you as anything other than a placeholder for her. Seriously, love yourself more than this and get away from him.