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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling 2nd best

127 replies

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 13:26

Hi, I’ll try another post as I didn’t get much feedback from the last 1 …

Would anyone be with a guy, knowing he fancies another girl more, and the only reason he’s not with her is because she’s not into him? Sounds a bit OTT but that’s basically the case with my current boyfriend of 6 years.

He’s admitted he’s had a huge crush on 1 of my old friends for years, and the literal words that left his mouth were, ‘ If she ever felt the same it would be very dangerous’.

I’ve spoken to her before just having general girl chat and she’s definitely not into him in that way so I’d have nothing to worry about there, but it’s making me feel like 2nd best.

I don’t hang around with her anymore so there’s no way he’d be able to see her and ‘lust over her’ which I imagine he did when we used to hang out, but knowing she’s probably always going to be in the back of his head kind of upsets me. He even said he’d probably date her if we ever split up.

I get people are going to find other people attractive in day to day life, but I kind of feel like he’s crossed a massive line.

He’s apologized and said he thought we’d been together long enough now to be honest with eachother.

Anyway, all opinions welcome. Thank you for reading. H xx

OP posts:

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 19:09

Oh and apparently it’s not just her looks, ‘there’s something about her’ and she’s ‘cute’.

OP posts:

Lala727 · 05/01/2024 19:10

So why are you staying with him, you poor thing?

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 19:11

Haven’t made up my mind what I’m going to do. We’d only just started trying for kids.

OP posts:

Lala727 · 05/01/2024 19:13

Wtf, please don't do that, in the kindest way. You'll be looking over your shoulder forever

PersephonePomegranate23 · 05/01/2024 19:16

Please don't have children with this horrible man!

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 20:12

Is there not 1 person that would give him another chance over this pathetic school yard crush?

OP posts:

Chocpot1986 · 05/01/2024 20:14

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 20:12

Is there not 1 person that would give him another chance over this pathetic school yard crush?

No I don’t think so OP, that must tell you something! Although you must do what you feel is right for you x

keojam80 · 05/01/2024 20:42

He's basically saying to you if he finds someone more attractive than you and they give him the green light then he will cheat on you.
That's outrageous. You cannot stay in this relationship. If you do, you lose your self respect and self esteem.
You haven't put in boundaries by getting him to block her. He will still find a way to look if he wants to you know.
Boundaries would be 'I will not tolerate being in a relationship where someone is only with me because they can't have the first choice'
Think of all those times you spent time with your friend and he was sitting there fantasying and ogling her, with you right next to him.
What about the next female friend, family member that comes over...you won't want to invite them in incase he develops the same sort of feelings. You will feel insecure constantly.

Datingahhhhhhhh · 05/01/2024 20:42

It’s not a school yard crush though is it? This has been going on for years! Alongside that, I think you’re burying your head and ignoring the obvious. If he was completely in love with you, he would NOT have this level of feeling towards your friend and he would NOT have said what he did to you. It’s obvious you want to stay with him which is your choice but you’re staying with him knowing you are not his number 1. And even if your friend somehow falls off the number 1 spot it won’t mean you go to the top, it means there will be someone else up there.

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 20:48

I appreciate all the comments.He always acted normal Infront of her when I was around, the same he acts infront of any of my friends, which is why I was so shocked when he told me. 1 of my other friends seems to think because she has a history of ‘sleeping around’ in the past and is a little bit flirty, he somehow got off to that idea.

OP posts:

SamW98 · 05/01/2024 20:51

Calling it a school yard crush is absolutely minimising the hand grenade he’s thrown.

A school yard crush as you call it would be briefly having a bit of a thing for someone else, putting it to the back of his mobs and waiting for it to fizzle out. Hes pretty much told you if she was up for it, he would be with her and not you and the only reason he’s not pursuing her is because she’s not interested. And yet you seem to be finding ways to make this her fault.

He’s basically with you because he can’t have her and you are seriously asking if he deserves another chance and thinking about a baby with this arsehole

And I tell you now. He’ll find a way of monitoring her. And keeping his hope alive that she’s single at some point and he can swoop in.

All you’ve done in locked him in a prison cell with a wall between him and her. He’ll resent you more and more because he’ll blame YOU for keeping him apart from her.

If you want to spend the rest of your life controlling who he can speak to and being in a constant state of paranoia that’s your call but is that really how you see your worth? Seriously??

Olika · 05/01/2024 20:51

The thing is it's not a school yard crush. He made it clear he would pursue/be with this other woman if she was interested.

MerryChristmasToYou · 05/01/2024 20:51

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 19:11

Haven’t made up my mind what I’m going to do. We’d only just started trying for kids.

Do not have children with this man.

TattoedLady · 05/01/2024 21:00

Similar-ish scenario but almost 20 years ago - I was in a cafe in Sweden and my boyfriend of four years told me he was so happy that he'd met the woman of his dreams. I thought it was me. But then he pointed her out (it was the waitress). I ended things between us before we'd even left the cafe.

If you don't want to feel second best in your relationship, then get with a guy who is with you because you're his No 1. Don't stay with the guy who is with you because he can't be with her.

Mielbee · 05/01/2024 21:19

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 19:11

Haven’t made up my mind what I’m going to do. We’d only just started trying for kids.

Oh my goodness, I'm horrified that you might have a baby with this man. You deserve so much better.

I'm wondering whether the timing is pertinent here - several PPs have said that they suspect someone would only say that if they wanted out but didn't have the balls to do it themselves. I wonder whether starting to TTC has made him realise that a baby makes the relationship permanent.

Cynical85 · 05/01/2024 21:33

@HannahSweeney97 with you mentioning a baby I am slightly concerned you may think this will solve everything and he will be faithful to you and your family.

That is not how it works my lovely. He will still be the same person but you'll have a baby to look after...on your own.

You sound like a lovely person but very naive. Wait until you have worked on your self esteem and plan a family with someone who doesn't have so little respect for you.

Take the crush out the equation and he does not respect you.

Is that how you want your future son child to behave towards their partner? Or you future child to be treated like that by a partner?

Please talk to a professional about working on your self esteem before you commit to someone - especially with a child. Having one doesn't fix the problems, it makes for a more stressful environment at home and an awful start for the child when you know before conception things aren't good.

I am happy to speak through PM if you want to talk more x

Iamdrained94 · 05/01/2024 21:40

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 20:12

Is there not 1 person that would give him another chance over this pathetic school yard crush?

Hannah, no there really isn’t. X

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 22:44

He admitted if he was with anyone else he would have cheated on me with her if the opportunity arose. But he said he could never cheat on me and that shows how much he loves me knowing how attracted to her he is.

OP posts:

Bature · 05/01/2024 22:49

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 22:44

This thread has now jumped the shark for me, personally.

MsDogLady · 05/01/2024 23:38

@HannahSweeney97, you’re determined to find a silver lining and downplay his announcement that his attraction is so great that he would choose her if she were willing and available. That he dumped this on you is beyond the pale. For years he’s been lusting in her presence and over her SM, as well as fantasizing about her when he’s with you…

There’s no way that I’d stay with a man who is saturated with thoughts and desires for another woman and is callous enough to tell me.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 05/01/2024 23:53

You're delusional.

Dump him & work on your self esteem.

Useruser1212 · 05/01/2024 23:54

Jesus, that's absolutely brutal. You must feel dreadful? Sorry that you have such a heartless partner. I definitely wouldn't stay with him. He is the type who will definitely cheat if he fancies someone and the opportunity presents itself. Protect yourself from more pain down the tracks and leave him now.

Useruser1212 · 05/01/2024 23:54

Also what did you say to him when he told you this?

TattoedLady · 06/01/2024 00:32

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 22:44

He admitted if he was with anyone else he would have cheated on me with her if the opportunity arose. But he said he could never cheat on me and that shows how much he loves me knowing how attracted to her he is.

He's a complete fucking idiot who doesn't know when to keep his trap shut. Either that or he's hellbent on destroying whatever shred of dignity you have left. For christ sake don't have children with him.

MonsteraMama · 06/01/2024 00:58

Of course you're now blaming her for his scummyness 🙄 naturally if she wasn't so prone to sleeping around, the sweet innocent boyfriend would never look at her that way.

I give up. Go forth, be a moron, get pregnant by this loser. See you back here in 5 years when you're all surprised he's cheated on you with her or someone else and left you an unhappy single mother with a child who deserves significantly less ridiculous parents.

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