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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling 2nd best

127 replies

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 13:26

Hi, I’ll try another post as I didn’t get much feedback from the last 1 …

Would anyone be with a guy, knowing he fancies another girl more, and the only reason he’s not with her is because she’s not into him? Sounds a bit OTT but that’s basically the case with my current boyfriend of 6 years.

He’s admitted he’s had a huge crush on 1 of my old friends for years, and the literal words that left his mouth were, ‘ If she ever felt the same it would be very dangerous’.

I’ve spoken to her before just having general girl chat and she’s definitely not into him in that way so I’d have nothing to worry about there, but it’s making me feel like 2nd best.

I don’t hang around with her anymore so there’s no way he’d be able to see her and ‘lust over her’ which I imagine he did when we used to hang out, but knowing she’s probably always going to be in the back of his head kind of upsets me. He even said he’d probably date her if we ever split up.

I get people are going to find other people attractive in day to day life, but I kind of feel like he’s crossed a massive line.

He’s apologized and said he thought we’d been together long enough now to be honest with eachother.

Anyway, all opinions welcome. Thank you for reading. H xx

OP posts:

Mielbee · 05/01/2024 16:46

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 16:37

So what boundaries would people set if making him block her on social media and not speaking to her was wrong?

Unfortunately, the boundary I would suggest is not being in a relationship with someone who treats you so disrespectfully... I understand that feels huge in a 6 year relationship, so that's why I suggested relationship counselling to see if it's possible to work through it.

Are there are any other ways in which he doesn't treat you respectfully?

Indifferentchickenwings · 05/01/2024 16:47

6 years op
I could weep for you
thats a horrible long time

life single is honestly better than feeling like this x

Bookworm20 · 05/01/2024 16:48

SamW98 · 05/01/2024 16:42

Dump his disrespectful arse. He’s got no respect for you and admitted he would go after another woman if he got the chance - find your dignity. Is this all you think you’re worth?

Show quote history

This.

He has basically told you he wants her more than you.
But is with you because she doesn't want him.
So you're his consolation prize.

He can't backtrack his way out of that one. And of course he is now going to tell you he wouldn't cheat! Except he has with his 'dangerous' comment. Because he has already admitted he wouldn't be able to help it. He would find it hard to control himself.

Seriously, my lovely, don't be someone's consolation prize.
Be someone's everything.

caringcarer · 05/01/2024 16:49

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 13:45

Yeah. He said he wouldn’t cheat on me but he’d be ‘devastated’ and would have to stay away from her. It actually sounds 10 times worse when I write it down.

I'd tell him sh didn't fancy him in the least. Then dump him. If your DP doesn't want to be with you more than your friend, what's the point?

Bookworm20 · 05/01/2024 16:50

And please do not waste another 6 years on this idiot.

caringcarer · 05/01/2024 16:50

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 15:15

So since the conversation I’ve made him block her on all social media, which I could tell he really didn’t want to do. Obviously can’t perv on her photos / Instagram stories etc anymore. I’ve said I don’t want him speaking to her if he sees her out in public etc. But then I’m thinking he should act like this without me telling him too.

You can't order him to stop fancying her.

GoldDuster · 05/01/2024 16:53

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 16:37

So what boundaries would people set if making him block her on social media and not speaking to her was wrong?

Setting boundaries isn't about giving other people rules about what they can and can't do. It is being boundaried yourself about what you will and won't do.

So in this instance, a boundary might be something like

I will not stay in a relationship with a man who blatantly has no respect for me, where I find my self esteem being eroded, because he is clearly using me until something better comes along. When I begin to feel disrepected in a relationship, or something feels "wrong" and I begin to doubt my sanity, I will not try to change the behaviour of the other person, I will leave.

Try that for size and see how you go on.

beetr00 · 05/01/2024 17:07

@HannahSweeney97 it saddens me that, as a young woman, you feel you are not worthy.

He is not the one for you.

Raise your bar lovely, find a man who will treat you as his goddess, you deserve nothing less!!

Janieforever · 05/01/2024 17:11

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 16:37

So what boundaries would people set if making him block her on social media and not speaking to her was wrong?

That’s not setting boundaries op. That’s just controlling behaviour.

setting boundaries is if you feel like this about someone, I will exit the relationship. I don’t see what other boundary you can put in. Other than if you prefer another woman I won’t stay with you,

saying uou can’t look at her or talk to her is just controlling and doesn’t change his feelings.

bringing controlling behaviour in to your relationship is really not the answe.

Janieforever · 05/01/2024 17:13

GoldDuster · 05/01/2024 16:53

Setting boundaries isn't about giving other people rules about what they can and can't do. It is being boundaried yourself about what you will and won't do.

So in this instance, a boundary might be something like

Try that for size and see how you go on.

Show quote history

This explained it better than I did, your boundaries are yours, it’s not rules you force someone to live by, it’s a set of conditions you operate under, so as this poster said, not staying in a relationship with a man who doesn’t respect you , that’s a boundary, his disrespect crosses your boundaries so you walk.

setting rules for him to live by will never ever work.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/01/2024 17:20

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 16:37

So what boundaries would people set if making him block her on social media and not speaking to her was wrong?

Whatever your boundaries are, or aren't - he's overstepped every boundary it is possible to have.

He's told you that he'd walk away without a backwards glance if this woman would have him. It doesn't actually matter that she's not interested in him, what matter is the massive disrespect he has for you and the relationship between you.

He is not committed to you in the slightest. In fact, he's cockblocked you from finding a man who would commit to you with all his heart, kept you out of the dating pool for his own ends. He's wasted six years of your life; for the first four because it gave him access to her!

"He’s apologized and said he thought we’d been together long enough now to be honest with each other."
But you've not been 'together' all this time. That was an illusion. You thought you were together; he thought you were access to her, and good enough whilst he waited. Think about that!

Please, have some self-respect and walk away from this charade of a relationship. Or would you really rather soldier on and have him walk away leaving you with children to raise on your own? Because be assured, he wants to leave you for her. Really, really, wants to.

SamW98 · 05/01/2024 17:26

Sorry OP but making her forbidden fruit doesn’t stop her thinking about her, fantasising about her and almost certainly masterbating about her.

He's told you how he feels about you and her and your answer is to cut her out and put controls on him. That’s not boundaries, that’s locking him in a prison cell and you’ll send yourself mad trying to monitor his behaviour. You’re setting yourself up to waste even more years of your life on a man who is thinking about another woman every time he touches you - sorry if that sounds harsh OP but it’s the reality. If he ever heard she’s single he’ll be all over her like a rash.

It will be devastating for you to leave but it’s far far worse if you stay.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/01/2024 17:27

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 16:37

So what boundaries would people set if making him block her on social media and not speaking to her was wrong?

Making him an ex.

*It's untenable for me to be in a relationship with someone who cannot trust themselves around someone we know. If she called tomorrow and said fuck me, you wouldn't decline.
That's not commitment, it's make do and I'm not making do with it. It's over and one of us needs to move out."

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 17:41

He said he hasn’t looked at another woman in that way since we’ve been together. That just tells me he hasn’t fancied anyone as much as her and is comparing every other woman to her.

OP posts:

Janieforever · 05/01/2024 17:42

Thing is op, any man who wanted to stay in a relationship would never tell their partner this, never, he would know by telling you just how much he wanted your friend, how hurt you’d be.

i suspect he told you hoping you’d end it, most women would have. Some people do this, try to force the other person to end it, as fhey feel bad doing it themselves.

my concern is about your self esteem. The fact you’d even consider staying with a man when you’re the consolation prize , where he thinks nothing of your feelings, where is obsessed with another woman, is really concerning.

that’s compounded by the fact not only did you not say “thats sad you feel that way, but I can’t be with someone who wants someone else”, your solution was to make him promise not to speak to her if he saw her (which you know he will) and block her on social media, which is just utterly pointless.

Janieforever · 05/01/2024 17:45

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 17:41

He said he hasn’t looked at another woman in that way since we’ve been together. That just tells me he hasn’t fancied anyone as much as her and is comparing every other woman to her.

He’s looked at her that way. And is still looking at her that way.

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 17:49

I haven’t decided what I’m going to do. The social media thing and to not talk to her was kind of a spare of the moment thing. I’m actually working away for a week with work so I’m getting advice off neutral people that don’t know us as a couple.

OP posts:

beetr00 · 05/01/2024 17:49

@HannahSweeney97 the thing is, you will always be second best. Is that acceptable to you?

Original poster

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 17:53

If someone doesn’t see someone again, would their feelings not change? Or is she now a ‘forbidden fruit’ now that he can’t keep track of online or speak to in person?

OP posts:

GreatGateauxsby · 05/01/2024 17:53

christ on a bike… so it’s clear for you

This is not someone who loves you unconditionally.
This is not someone you can rely on.
This is not someone you can build a life or future with.

Run don’t walk.

And get some therapy to work on your self esteem.

Datingahhhhhhhh · 05/01/2024 17:58

@HannahSweeney97 you are directing your anger to the wrong person. You are staying with this man but getting him to block this your friend - what does that achieve? Unfortunately this guy isn’t all in with you, if he was he wouldn’t have such strong feelings towards someone else. I really think you need to open your eyes and realise it’s not your friend who is the issue here. It’s him. And his issue is that he doesn’t love you enough. It only takes another woman who he fancies as much as your friend to give him the nod and he will be off.

MonsteraMama · 05/01/2024 18:32

Look at this point it's not even about his feelings for her, it's about his total lack of respect for you.

Even if his feelings do fade, even if he stops secretly wanking over her social media (which he's definitely doing), even if he forgets about her completely... He won't suddenly grow a respect bone and see you in a different light. He sees nothing wrong with his behaviour, or his treatment of you. He's already resentful of you taking away his spank bank! He will continue to not respect you, regardless of his feelings for her.

If you're happy to be in a relationship with a man who does not respect you or your feelings, have at it. Spend the rest of your life worrying that one day some other girl will turn his head and this one will be interested in him back, and off he'll go dick first with zero regard for you.

Personally I'd want significantly more from a life partner.

samestyle · 05/01/2024 18:38

I wouldn't stay with someone that threatened me with if she felt the same it'll be dangerous, I would lose trust completely, not about her but anyone else he may fancy in future, he's telling you if he had the opportunity to cheat he would.

SamW98 · 05/01/2024 18:41

OP - blocking this woman isn’t going to switch his feelings off or make him realise you’re the one he really wants. He doesn’t respect you and you staying with him will make that even more so because you’re sending him the message that you’ll tolerate this lack of respect and you don’t care about your own dignity just as long as he blocks this woman who isn’t the problem HE IS. She’s done nothing wrong but you’re putting this all on her.

And I guarantee you putting controls on who he can and can’t speak to will make him resent you more. Plus if he wants to follow her on SM he’ll make fake profiles to keep tracks on her. And he’s probably already got photos of her saved down for his wank bank.

Sorry OP no one is saying this to be horrible but you can see from the comments it’s pretty unanimous that everyone feels the same

Iamdrained94 · 05/01/2024 18:58

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 14:07

No, He said he has 0 loyalty to her boyfriend and would get with her if he was single regardless if she was still with him.

He’s very malicious and cruel to say those things to you. It’s almost as if he’s trying to get you to dump him. So he doesn’t have to be the one to end it.

I really hope you get rid of the selfish twat. Because I wouldn’t be with any man who said those things.

I feel really bad for you, I can’t believe how selfish he is to have said things like that. In fact that’s deeper than selfish. It’s proper disrespectful to you. My advice is fuck him off. He’s no true man. X

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