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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling 2nd best

127 replies

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 13:26

Hi, I’ll try another post as I didn’t get much feedback from the last 1 …

Would anyone be with a guy, knowing he fancies another girl more, and the only reason he’s not with her is because she’s not into him? Sounds a bit OTT but that’s basically the case with my current boyfriend of 6 years.

He’s admitted he’s had a huge crush on 1 of my old friends for years, and the literal words that left his mouth were, ‘ If she ever felt the same it would be very dangerous’.

I’ve spoken to her before just having general girl chat and she’s definitely not into him in that way so I’d have nothing to worry about there, but it’s making me feel like 2nd best.

I don’t hang around with her anymore so there’s no way he’d be able to see her and ‘lust over her’ which I imagine he did when we used to hang out, but knowing she’s probably always going to be in the back of his head kind of upsets me. He even said he’d probably date her if we ever split up.

I get people are going to find other people attractive in day to day life, but I kind of feel like he’s crossed a massive line.

He’s apologized and said he thought we’d been together long enough now to be honest with eachother.

Anyway, all opinions welcome. Thank you for reading. H xx

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 06/01/2024 01:15

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 20:12

Is there not 1 person that would give him another chance over this pathetic school yard crush?

No, you are blinded and can't see the wood for the trees

Please don't have a child with this man and get rid. He doesn't even want you, he wants her

misssunshine4040 · 06/01/2024 01:18

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 22:44

He admitted if he was with anyone else he would have cheated on me with her if the opportunity arose. But he said he could never cheat on me and that shows how much he loves me knowing how attracted to her he is.

Wow how good of him!! Why are you accepting this ?
How can you bear to be near him now knowing what he feels ?

UneFoisAuChalet · 06/01/2024 01:34

Oh wow. This is the kind of situation where I would go from 100 to zero in seconds. Whatever appeal my DP had it would be instantly gone.

I experienced something similar with a former partner. He confessed something so egregious that the four years we’d shared literally blew up in smoke before my very eyes. There was no going back after that.

Bin him OP. I’d encourage him to go after her, best of luck mate, there’s the door now fuck off.

GreatGateauxsby · 06/01/2024 06:51

HannahSweeney97 · 05/01/2024 19:11

Haven’t made up my mind what I’m going to do. We’d only just started trying for kids.

Do NOT breed with this man.

kkloo · 06/01/2024 07:25

1 of my other friends seems to think because she has a history of ‘sleeping around’ in the past and is a little bit flirty, he somehow got off to that idea.

So she gets slut shamed to make your boyfriend sound better even though she hasn't done anything wrong 🙄The lies women tell themselves and other women to excuse bad behaviour.

Hiddenvoice · 06/01/2024 07:34

Sorry but I would end it with him. Just because you’re made him block her sadly means nothing . He can easily unblock for a nosey whenever he wants and then block again.

The fact he told you all of this shows what little respect he has for you. I’m all for being honest and I know you can have crushes when in committed relationship but he’s said he would be devastated shows there’s more feelings to it than just finding someone else attractive.

I have a friend in a very similar situation. She cut the girl out of her and her dps life. He then found ways to talk to her, flirt with her and then eventually sleep with her because it was like forbidden fruit and made it all the more exciting.

perfectcolourfound · 06/01/2024 08:43

It isn't just about him having a 'crush' on someone. It's more than that. He's actually told you that he'd be with her if she wanted him. That isn't a crush. That's wanting her more than you.

I have a great friend who is, onjectively, beautiful. You can't not notice it. WHen DH first met her, we had a conversation afterwards. Ofcourse he'd noticed. But at no point in our decades together (and we see her regularly) has he said anything so hurtful, nor given me even a tiny suggestion that he'd like to be with her.

Whereas your DP is telling you that he has serious feelings for this woman. And would want her to cheat on his friend to be with him. That is way more than acknowledging someone is attractive, or having a crush on them.

I think you were wrong to demand he block her on SM and not speak to her. That won't stop him having those feelings, and 'forbidden fruit' is often the most enticing. The romance in his head could now turn this into them being Romeo and Juliet - being kept apart by other people.

Instead, show him you know your worth. You aren't anyone's second best. You aren't in competion with this woman. If he wants her, he can go and get her. You have no wish for a man who doesn't see your full worth. You want to be with someone who knows you're the best thing that ever happened to them.

Original poster
HannahSweeney97 · 06/01/2024 10:03

Question. If a girl has a past of sleeping around with no regards to looks / types etc, does that make her more desirable to sleezy men? I’m not blaming her in the slightest, just trying to get my head round the obsession, and ‘there’s something about her’ remark.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 06/01/2024 10:08

MonsteraMama · 06/01/2024 00:58

Of course you're now blaming her for his scummyness 🙄 naturally if she wasn't so prone to sleeping around, the sweet innocent boyfriend would never look at her that way.

I give up. Go forth, be a moron, get pregnant by this loser. See you back here in 5 years when you're all surprised he's cheated on you with her or someone else and left you an unhappy single mother with a child who deserves significantly less ridiculous parents.

Yep. I’m actually starting to think this is a troll thread as surely no one can be that far in denial.

But if it’s actually true, I agree you you. She’s not listening, she’d rather slut shame, blame and ostracise this innocent woman than actually accept the reality that she’s dating a sleazy disrespectful creep.

Anyone commenting is wasting their time. She’ll stay with him, cut off friends, get pregnant and be back on here as a mum who’s been cheated on and can’t believe he’s done this to her despite him having more red flags than a Moscow May Day parade

Original poster
HannahSweeney97 · 06/01/2024 10:13

We started trying for a baby before this all happened. I’ve obviously put a stop to that now and I’m 99.9 percent sure it’s going to be over when I get back from my work trip. I literally just wanted neutral opinions, which I’ve got plenty of so thank you. I’m not blaming my friend in the slightest, I was just asking if that’s what some men are attracted too.

OP posts:
TattoedLady · 06/01/2024 10:56

HannahSweeney97 · 06/01/2024 10:03

Question. If a girl has a past of sleeping around with no regards to looks / types etc, does that make her more desirable to sleezy men? I’m not blaming her in the slightest, just trying to get my head round the obsession, and ‘there’s something about her’ remark.

She very clearly has regard to type because she's given your boyfriend a wide berth!

Original poster
HannahSweeney97 · 06/01/2024 10:59

As far as I know he’s never had the opportunity to ‘put it on her’. I’m sure she would have told me if he was acting in a way he shouldn’t.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 06/01/2024 11:30

HannahSweeney97 · 06/01/2024 10:03

Question. If a girl has a past of sleeping around with no regards to looks / types etc, does that make her more desirable to sleezy men? I’m not blaming her in the slightest, just trying to get my head round the obsession, and ‘there’s something about her’ remark.

What am I reading, who in their right mind would even think that. If this is real he fancies her due to her appearance.

Datingahhhhhhhh · 06/01/2024 12:09

The more I read the more I think this isn’t real.

SamW98 · 06/01/2024 12:14

Datingahhhhhhhh · 06/01/2024 12:09

The more I read the more I think this isn’t real.

Yep definitely thinking this is a troll thread now

Original poster
HannahSweeney97 · 06/01/2024 12:14

This is actually a little bit upsetting that people don’t think this is real.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 06/01/2024 12:35

HannahSweeney97 · 06/01/2024 12:14

This is actually a little bit upsetting that people don’t think this is real.

That's probably due to your posts, I'm afraid. You seem to actually be considering staying with him, and most (all?) people cannot believe that you haven't dumped him already.

I get it, 6 years is a long time. But you need to google 'The Sunk Costs Fallacy'.

Summary of The Sunk Costs Fallacy:
People demonstrate "a greater tendency to continue an endeavour once an investment in money, effort, or time has been made". This is the sunk cost fallacy, and such behaviour may be described as "throwing good money after bad", while refusing to succumb to what may be described as "cutting one's losses".

What you need to be considering is not 'we've been together for 6 years' because that's the past, and what matters is the future - as in, is there any future with him? He has irrevocably changed the basis of your relationship. Why would you stay?

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/01/2024 12:36

Quick question OP - what age are you now, and what age were you when you met him?

Original poster
HannahSweeney97 · 06/01/2024 12:42

We got together at 20 and now we’re 26.

OP posts:
MerryChristmasToYou · 06/01/2024 12:46

Bin him. If she became single he'd be after her like a shot..

You've been with him for 6 years because life is easier as a couple. You are girlfriend material not a potential wife for him.

wizzywig · 06/01/2024 12:55

Phew you have plenty of time to be with someone who actually wants to be with you.
If he back tracks now, it's only becuase he is seeing his nice life with you slipping away. you know what he said, he is lusting after someone who may at some point give him a pity shag. I guarantee that if you do have a baby, put on baby weight, pregnancy and post pregnancy hormones kick in, his life gets restricted, the other woman will look even more appealing than you. Run and work on your self esteem. You should be the no.1 person in his life.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/01/2024 13:15
  1. The world is your oyster, Hannah!

Please, please, do not tie yourself to this man with a baby, a marriage, or even an engagement. Get out there and find a man for whom you are always first. He is out there (several 'he's if truth be told), but your rather-have-your-mate-boyfriend is the reason you're not looking for him. Don't be your rather-have-your-mate-boyfriend's consolation prize. Be someone else's gold medal.

Bature · 06/01/2024 14:44

HannahSweeney97 · 06/01/2024 12:14

This is actually a little bit upsetting that people don’t think this is real.

We think that because the things you’re saying are becoming increasingly ridiculous. If this is real, the fact that so many people think you’re trolling should tell you something.

MerryChristmasToYou · 06/01/2024 14:54

and ‘there’s something about her’ remark.
She is more desirable to him because he can't have her.

You're the comfy pair of slippers.

Pinkbonbon · 06/01/2024 15:20

Just from reading your initial post:

This is classic narcissistic triangulation (when abusers play you off against the idea of another woman. Such as their ex or 'the one who got away').

It also serves the doubled purpose of encouraging you to drop that friend. Which abusive men also try to make you do as they want you alienated from a support network.

I'd bet my ass this isn't the only abuse tactic this badtard has pulled over the years.

You're not dumping him for a crush. You're dumping him because he's a sick, twisted headfucker who is playing mind games amd deliberately making you feel 'less than'. That's what abusers do.

Run.