Partner broke up with me due to midlife crisis/commitment fears....my world is shattered. Any way to fix things?

[BadgerHill]

Hi all, my first post here (Hello!) and was wondering if anyone had any advice/support/what to do on a heart-breaking situation. I'm absolutely broken and devastated over this. I'm sorry its long......sit and have a cuppa, its quite a read!

I met my partner when I was 34 and he was 40. We were together 4 years until its ended. We were both unmarried and didn't have children.....right from the get go it was amazing. We connected on every level from a huge passion about music, food, similar specialised careers and of course an amazing love life. I know this sounds crazy but I still recall now the first time I met him before we even spoke having this ultra weird feeling I've never experienced before where it just hit me out of nowhere that this man was going to be in my life and thinking 'bloody hell there you are, where on earth have you been?'

I have had a few long term relationships prior to this spanning 4/5 years or so but never had anything like the attraction and connection I had with him. His previous dating history I should have been a red flag.....longest prior to me was 14 months although I put it down to his career choice and the fact he has spent his 20s/30s on training rotas all around the country.

Anyway........4 amazing, happy years together. No arguments, ultra secure and all our mutual friends (we work in the same industry) all said how I was the thing he needed in life and were so happy we got together. We both have separate hobbies which allowed us healthy time apart from each other and when we were together everything was fun, light and easy.

After a year or so I was pretty much living in the apartment he rented (bar having a night or 2 a week at my mums place as she is on her own and he would go visit his parents - they are a very close family unit) Everything was looking great. He would often initiate conversations about what life would be like when we're married, who we would invite from work and even down to conversations about picking our first dance songs whilst listening to the CD's over a bottle of wine......we also had conversations about starting a family and picking names of our children, we were so excited about it.

I've since found out he also said these things to my family and friends too about all his plans for our future sob

This year thoughts turned to buying our own place together, leave the rented flat and he would sell a property he rents out in order to do it. This seems to be when the wheels started falling off.......the sale was fraught with complications which he was getting extremely stressed with. He also has a very high powered job which he started getting incredibly stressed with and even started saying he didn't want to do anymore and his parents who he is ultra close with both suffered from some health problems. I would always sit and listen and tried to reassure him that everything will be okay and that its just a rough period of stress. He then started coming home saying odd things like he was sick of people at work asking him when he's going to get married. Ouch. Again, not putting pressure on him I just tried to say it was just people being curious and not to worry about what they're saying and they were probably just trying to find 'nice' stuff to talk about with him although he was making hints all summer to me about engagement rings and I was going to suggest starting to try for our family once all the property and health stress was sorted.

I had a week or so at my parents place to help provide care whilst they were poorly and then all of a sudden just got this horrible shift from him. He was cold and distant all week, he didn't come to visit and I just knew something was up. I got the dreaded 'we need to talk' over the phone and the only reasons I got were 'somethings missing' 'I'm not making you happy' 'He felt pressured for marriage (not from me?!)' and then bizarrely he wants to breakup because he wants to get married and start a family??

I tried explaining that 4 years into a relationship (which he hasn't experienced before) that things change and its not all like when you first meet someone and that its honestly completely normal to worry about doubts before making big decisions.

I honestly don't recognise the man he's turned into and how he can just throw away our lovely life we had together with so many shared family, friends and all those exciting plans for the future? Its like he's had a complete personality transplant. I'm 38 now and worry about my future a lot. He and mutual friends have all reassured me there is no one else.

He completely cut me off, blocked my phone and was ignoring me at work until very recently where 4 months on he's started saying Hello when he passes me.
Co-workers say he's been quiet, miserable, not his normal self and looks tired and run down. He's also apparently been saying he's worried he's going to end up a lonely old bachelor and that he wants to be on his own so he can avoid the drama (?!) of a relationship for a bit?

What does everyone think might be going on here?

This breakup has devastated me and I've taken it really hard but thankfully in a much better place now from how distraught I was at the beginning. I love this man dearly and we had such a bright future and I'd love to be able to sort things out. I really hope he can find whatever it is he's 'missing'

I'm missing my lover, best friend, our future and I just want to go home 😓

I'm doing my best with everything else, working hard, postgrad study, hobbies, socialising etc etc, all the things they say you should do in a breakup. Friends and family give the usual advice......'move on' 'focus on you' etc but I'm not finding that incredibly helpful right now, trust me, if I could stop feeling like s**t I would do!

Anyone have any insights? any way of repairing this or any way to make myself better and try and forget him? My whole world and future as I knew it has just gone poof and its so disorientating and scary. I really, truly love this man and I just cant make head nor tail as to what on earth has happened.

Thankyou for listening.

I’m guessing another women.

It’s just a one day at a time situation. You can’t control his thoughts, feelings or actions and it seems there’s lots going on for him beneath the surface. Don’t try to win him back, change his mind or compel him to give you a reason. As painful as it is- stay away and just get through each day.
You will make peace with this one day- possibly not by way of an explanation but things will work out (as unhelpful as that feels at the moment).

I did wonder but this is the thing though.....he's repeatedly said to me and mutual friends there was and is no one else....as well as colleagues hearing him go on about his fears of ending up "a lonely old bachelor" (his words)

Stop over analysing and ruminating on what happened. It won't help you move on. And don't see the odd hello as a sign of anything. Accepting it's over and that you'll never truly know why is the quickest route out of how you're feeling.

its honestly completely normal to worry about doubts before making big decisions

The thing is, it’s not, OP. With the right person it’s the easiest thing in the world. Don’t try to excuse his red flags as normal because it dampens some of your pain.

It’s awful to say this OP, but you’re just not the person for him. Will he find that person? Who knows. But it isn’t you.

And if (big if) this is all just a big stress response then his response to stress is alarming to say the least, and not indicative of a character that could withstand marriage, children etc.

Thankyou - thats all I'm trying to do at the moment, get through each day one at a time. I'm just finding it extremely painful how he can just cut me off and out of his life like he has, he was my best friend and I miss him terribly.

How on earth do you move on from this kind of thing? I'm doing all "the things" but its not really feeling like its helping.

I honestly wish I could feel angry or resentful as I'm sure it would help me feel better but I just can't get there

I guess I just struggle with the fact he had only ever had relatively short term relationships in the past so 4 years especially at this stage in life must have meant something......how on earth does it take 4 years to decide 'somethings missing' when there were absolutely no signs of it prior to this?

I should have seen the relationship history as a huge red flag.....part of me feels like he has absolutely no idea what he wants.

I think he met someone else. He's probably not with them now, but he might have fallen for them hard, making him realise that mortgage, marriage and babies with you is not what he wants any more. It's hard to deal with and it must hurt like hell.

Plough all your energies into you now. Make yourself happy. Go on lots of dates with lots of people. This man wasn't your happy ever after, sadly. If you want babies, go for it. Ruminating over the end of a relationship doesn't make anything better.

Have you got your stuff out of his apartment? Where do you live now?

It’s not a coincidence that he waited until you were at your parents to break up.

He may, in fact, end up a lonely old man. He was fine when it was all pie in the sky day dreaming about the future. But then he was selling his property and the next step was to buy with you.

When the future you talked about started becoming really real, he realised he didn’t want it.

Some people are like that. They love romance. They love talking about how this time it’s different and this relationship is the one. They love talking about the future they are planning with their partner. But that’s it. As soon as it becomes time to actually do any of it, they don’t want it. It’s called future faking.

It doesn’t matter how stressed or unhappy he is. You need to concentrate on moving on. So that you don’t ever take him back.

I think he will have met someone else sadly. He is probably telling people he hasn’t etc to stop them thinking he is the bad guy. The ‘ending up as a lonely bachelor’ is a smoke screen. In a few months he will miraculously meet someone.

You have to realise you're mourning the loss of a future that was never going to happen. Reminiscing about the early days will do you no favours. I don't think you've accepted that it really is over - finished. You're hoping he will change his mind. He won't, and you won't be able to move on until you truly accept this.

Hi OP

There is loads of evidence that “analysis” is a step. You are at the analysis step of this break up. It’s a pointless but tempting step because it gives you feels of “if only I can analyse and figure it out”, or feel like “if only an easy explanation from his past comes up”.

Unfortunately analysis as a step only has one purpose: to keep you hooked, and prevent healing. the more you analyse (discuss with Mumsnet, discuss endlessly with others) - the more you stay stuck.

Analysis needs to end for healing to start. The conversations, discussions, trawling forums for similar stories, asking peoples opinions are all part of the analysis step. Stop.

I don't think so. I think he's just got cold feet with the next level of commitment. Why? I don't know, but I feel this is something from within him. I'd be tempted to ask if it's really final and then if he says it is final then I'd recommend that you take action to move forward in your life. That would include not being in the same work place or in contact either. I am so sorry this must be so hard x

in the past so 4 years especially at this stage in life must have meant something

It’s not ‘everything’ or ‘nothing’ though; there is an inbetween. I’m not saying it didn’t mean something, but that something isn’t necessarily enough.

I agree

Yes all the stuff is out of the apartment....I'm living at home with my parents. At 38 years old I now feel like a complete and utter failure.

Oh I don't doubt that he doesn't want marriage and a family. He told me in our breakup conversation that thats exactly what he does want....evidently just not with me.

He will end up a lonely old man if he carries on this way in life.

I'm just petrified now I've given him his training wheels and the next person that comes along and gives him all those new relationship 'fuzzies' that everyone gets is going to be IT and I'm going to have to sit and watch the whole thing play out. Its heartbreaking.

I don't think he's met someone else, I think it was a red flag that things were so easy before. He lacks depth and he's not as nice - or as unbroken - as you thought. There's no future with him and he sounds very self absorbed.

You don’t have to watch it play out though, and I agree it’s more likely than not there’s another women in the wings.

You can choose not to do that. You’re keeping busy but obviously still thinking about him, talking to mutual friends etc. You are still at your parents as opposed to getting your own place. Only you can stop this. It won’t be easy, you won’t stop caring but you can do it. Fake it till you make it works, and one day you won’t be faking it . Cut all ties, ask friends not to tell you about him, don’t look at SM etc. Allow yourself a set time daily, then weekly etc to think about what might have been then stop! Use a practical
mechanism to help.

If he is having a MLC, then you getting on with things is far more likely to make him snap out of it than not. Although by then you’ll surely realise you couldn’t possibly trust him ever again. Remember it’s not all the stuff he said, it’s the stuff he did that counts. Good Luck.

Friends all seem to have different opinions......from grass is greener, commitment phobe, narcissist, mid life crisis....some of them think he'll be back - Im not so sure on this as I know how proud/stubborn he can be, hes a real type A personality.

Personally I feel he's just chasing that 'new love' feeling having never done it long term before and he's taken that to feel like 'somethings missing'

Not sure what I can do really. If I could take a memory pill to wipe the lot and feel better I would do!

It made hard by the fact I do very occasionally see him in the work place. Thankfully we dont work together and its a huge building/organisation so its rare but I feel like I'm constantly walking around with eyes in the back of my head. Changing jobs/location is unfortunately an impossibility also as its extremely specialised.

All these conversations with friends - all this analysis - none of it is of any use. You need to really work on getting out of analysis mode.

There are some people who are hardwired to fucking ruin relationships, even to their own detriment. The rhyme or reason really doesn't matter, it's just who they are.

He may be having a MH crisis - people do act out like this when they get depressed. But it is also notable that this seems to have kicked off when you had prioritized your parents over him for a week. Unless he is getting some help to sort himself out, I would run a mile. So sorry he has wasted so much of your time.

I don’t think you should change jobs because of a man, but the advice to get your own place is sound. Do things you enjoy - whether that is the gym or hobbies and plan some travelling or similar to help change the scenery that way.
It will take time to properly get over the break-up - one day you will realise you have not been looking out for him in the corridor because you will have been focusing on other things.

This man has badly hurt you and taken four years in a relationship when you could have been with someone who valued you long term and was happy to move ahead with marriage and children. Taking these precious years when you are in your thirties and then backing out like that is a really shitty thing to do. Please don’t waste more of your life dwelling on him, he is not worth it.

I know this must be really hard because you’re still in love with him, but I sometimes find the saying “what’s meant for you won’t pass by you” really helpful when life throws you a curveball.

Who knows, you may in the next year or two meet the love of your life and start a family - then you’ll look back and think “thank god he finished with me”! I know a few people this has happened to.

It wasn’t meant to be and if you’d have bought a house/married/had a family he would’ve probably let you down in some other way further down the line.
You really don’t want to be doing those milestones in life with someone who isn’t sure about you xx

Thankyou, its been a really tough time.

The whole thing where it kicked off that week my mum was unexpectedly (very) poorly in hospital. I had to go and stay at her house to look after her dog and he just left me to it and left me there on my own whilst I was stressed and worrying about them taking my mum to intensive care thinking she might not come home. I was horrified and extremely confused, this was the first bit of behaviour like this towards me that I had ever seen in 4 years - it was like he was angry?

Up until that last month with all his stress everything throughout had literally been PERFECT and I guess thats the other bit thats making it hard to move on - I dont feel like I'm ever going to get that happiness and feel so secure and loved ever again. I was so damn happy. Its like a switch flipped in him.

Getting my own place isnt on the agenda at the moment.....I'm studying (as well as working full time) and live in a very expensive area so its tricky to go solo. My mum is here on her own also and we get on really well so its not all bad - its more just the sociatal failure of it all that stings.

I haven't talked to friends/colleagues about him in ages. I know analysis is something I need to get out of and honestly I pray for the day its not inside my head all day long - its exhausting!

I truly loved this guy, its really tough. I really am trying my very best.