Partner broke up with me due to midlife crisis/commitment fears....my world is shattered. Any way to fix things?

[BadgerHill]

Hi all, my first post here (Hello!) and was wondering if anyone had any advice/support/what to do on a heart-breaking situation. I'm absolutely broken and devastated over this. I'm sorry its long......sit and have a cuppa, its quite a read!

I met my partner when I was 34 and he was 40. We were together 4 years until its ended. We were both unmarried and didn't have children.....right from the get go it was amazing. We connected on every level from a huge passion about music, food, similar specialised careers and of course an amazing love life. I know this sounds crazy but I still recall now the first time I met him before we even spoke having this ultra weird feeling I've never experienced before where it just hit me out of nowhere that this man was going to be in my life and thinking 'bloody hell there you are, where on earth have you been?'

I have had a few long term relationships prior to this spanning 4/5 years or so but never had anything like the attraction and connection I had with him. His previous dating history I should have been a red flag.....longest prior to me was 14 months although I put it down to his career choice and the fact he has spent his 20s/30s on training rotas all around the country.

Anyway........4 amazing, happy years together. No arguments, ultra secure and all our mutual friends (we work in the same industry) all said how I was the thing he needed in life and were so happy we got together. We both have separate hobbies which allowed us healthy time apart from each other and when we were together everything was fun, light and easy.

After a year or so I was pretty much living in the apartment he rented (bar having a night or 2 a week at my mums place as she is on her own and he would go visit his parents - they are a very close family unit) Everything was looking great. He would often initiate conversations about what life would be like when we're married, who we would invite from work and even down to conversations about picking our first dance songs whilst listening to the CD's over a bottle of wine......we also had conversations about starting a family and picking names of our children, we were so excited about it.

I've since found out he also said these things to my family and friends too about all his plans for our future sob

This year thoughts turned to buying our own place together, leave the rented flat and he would sell a property he rents out in order to do it. This seems to be when the wheels started falling off.......the sale was fraught with complications which he was getting extremely stressed with. He also has a very high powered job which he started getting incredibly stressed with and even started saying he didn't want to do anymore and his parents who he is ultra close with both suffered from some health problems. I would always sit and listen and tried to reassure him that everything will be okay and that its just a rough period of stress. He then started coming home saying odd things like he was sick of people at work asking him when he's going to get married. Ouch. Again, not putting pressure on him I just tried to say it was just people being curious and not to worry about what they're saying and they were probably just trying to find 'nice' stuff to talk about with him although he was making hints all summer to me about engagement rings and I was going to suggest starting to try for our family once all the property and health stress was sorted.

I had a week or so at my parents place to help provide care whilst they were poorly and then all of a sudden just got this horrible shift from him. He was cold and distant all week, he didn't come to visit and I just knew something was up. I got the dreaded 'we need to talk' over the phone and the only reasons I got were 'somethings missing' 'I'm not making you happy' 'He felt pressured for marriage (not from me?!)' and then bizarrely he wants to breakup because he wants to get married and start a family??

I tried explaining that 4 years into a relationship (which he hasn't experienced before) that things change and its not all like when you first meet someone and that its honestly completely normal to worry about doubts before making big decisions.

I honestly don't recognise the man he's turned into and how he can just throw away our lovely life we had together with so many shared family, friends and all those exciting plans for the future? Its like he's had a complete personality transplant. I'm 38 now and worry about my future a lot. He and mutual friends have all reassured me there is no one else.

He completely cut me off, blocked my phone and was ignoring me at work until very recently where 4 months on he's started saying Hello when he passes me.
Co-workers say he's been quiet, miserable, not his normal self and looks tired and run down. He's also apparently been saying he's worried he's going to end up a lonely old bachelor and that he wants to be on his own so he can avoid the drama (?!) of a relationship for a bit?

What does everyone think might be going on here?

This breakup has devastated me and I've taken it really hard but thankfully in a much better place now from how distraught I was at the beginning. I love this man dearly and we had such a bright future and I'd love to be able to sort things out. I really hope he can find whatever it is he's 'missing'

I'm missing my lover, best friend, our future and I just want to go home 😓

I'm doing my best with everything else, working hard, postgrad study, hobbies, socialising etc etc, all the things they say you should do in a breakup. Friends and family give the usual advice......'move on' 'focus on you' etc but I'm not finding that incredibly helpful right now, trust me, if I could stop feeling like s**t I would do!

Anyone have any insights? any way of repairing this or any way to make myself better and try and forget him? My whole world and future as I knew it has just gone poof and its so disorientating and scary. I really, truly love this man and I just cant make head nor tail as to what on earth has happened.

Thankyou for listening.

If If was to hazard a total guess

1. He left because there was another women on the scene (hense the random 'I want marriage and kids(with this new fling)' line)
2. It didn't work out.
3. He's bummed at work that it didn't work out AND/OR wants to hint that you were 'too much drama' so he doesn't look like the bad guy for leaving you.
4. He ignored you because part of 'the script' of a cheat who leaves is making you the bad guy in their mind.
5. Thars changed now because she's dumped him/he's not found your replacement yet/she's actually not this 'dream women' idea of her he had in his head. Now he's starting to panic that the grass wasn't greener.

I also saw this quote which I think sums up trying to just accept their bad behaviour and move on rather than try to reason with the whys and what fors'

Imagine being bitten by a snake and instead of trying to heal and recover from the poison, you chose to find the snake, ask it why it bit you and prove you didn't deserve to be bitten. Or something like that! You get the idea!

Personally I'd say hi BUT be noticeably more friendly with literally everyone else.

Like imagine you're walking down the corridor and he says hi and you don't don't even look at him, you just go 's'up' and then immediately go 'Tommmyyy how are you doing big man? I haven't seen you in days' to whoever else is there that you know.

Alternatively, just be in a hurry somewhere else.

Basically make it seem like your hi is simply a reflex and you really don't actually give a shit. Like your mind is on something else entirely.

It winds these pricks up that a. They are not the centre of attention and b. You couldn't give a flying fig about their presence.

Their greatest fear is to be irrelevent. Or, forgotten.

I’d give this horrible immature man the cold shoulder. Be cheerful when you’re around him and let it be known you’re dating and ‘moving on’ and having a fab time.
Paul McCenna wrote a very helpful book How to Heal a Broken Heart.

I can’t have been that bad to have made it that long with him then I guess

Maybe you weren't bad enough. He sounds dysfunctional and would have been looking for the same. I would ask about family relationships but can answer in advance that though they may be superficially functional, they are dysfunctional.

The family dyanamics are odd. He’s extremely co dependant with his 40 year old divorced sister and entrenched with his mum and dad. They’re like an impenetrable unit despite me trying to be nothing but friendly whenever I met them.

I wasn’t invited to her 40th birthday meal this year as ‘now she’s on her own it would make her feel bad’

I tried to be understanding about this….probably to my own detriment for being too soft I guess

You’re not too soft but time to focus on yourself and how you feel. Find that anger.

I don’t think this is a mid life anything. Perhaps he’s met someone else, perhaps he’s simply not happy in the relationship anymore… either way he hasn’t handled it well but thank heavens you’re not wasting anymore of your time on a no hoper.

Personally, I would just mirror his hi and crack on with my day & try not to over think it. I know that’s extremely hard.

I’d actually love to think he was panicking and had remorse and even feel the tiniest bit sh*t like I have done….(not that it would undo anything he has done)

He certainly hasn’t shown me any sort of regret or care.

I guess I’ll never know.

The family dyanamics are odd. He’s extremely co dependant with his 40 year old divorced sister and entrenched with his mum and dad. They’re like an impenetrable unit despite me trying to be nothing but friendly whenever I met them.

I wasn’t invited to her 40th birthday meal this year as ‘now she’s on her own it would make her feel bad’

^ I think you could have your answer there op. Something really off with his upbringing.

I wonder if his parents develop “health problems” every time their son gets really serious about someone?

To not be invited to his sister’s birthday party when you are in a serious four year relationship is quite odd I think.

Some sons and daughters never escape their overbearing or controlling parents, even when they reach forty, as the control is disguised as love. I have seen it so many times in real
life.

You could be seen as a threat to their impenetrable family unit?

It could explain the heavy drinking?

Either there’s more to the heavy drinking than you know and his family have urged him to end the relationship unless he can be honest about drinking OR (more likely from what you have said) they are the cause of his drinking because he can’t escape his family, and wants to be with you, but either they disapprove of you in some way, or they don’t want him to be with anyone at all.

Someone very influential with a strong personality in my family prevented their adult offspring from getting married by subtle manipulative means, largely by being over dependent and enmeshed with them, while all the time declaring that they were “praying for them to find a good spouse”. It was total bullshit bc they wanted their offspring to be available to them exclusively, and in fact their offspring didn’t marry until their parent was long, long dead.

^^ This is all speculation of course but looking at his dating history and his “impenetrable” family, it seems like there could be some deep familial problem or toxic relationships at play.

And of course he has cut you off dead because he is either unaware that he has been manipulated by those who should love him most, or can’t admit it to himself that he has, because it’s too dangerous to his psyche to do so.

I must admit I think you are being very brave not seeking more answers from him op as it would be driving me mad. Far better to go grey rock probably but I would be tempted to corner him in the lift and be unashamedly furious with him and demand that he owed you an honest explanation, and would be interrogating him about his family.

Not that you would want him back if he hasn’t found the strength to get away but it would be satisfying to see him squirm. I really hate the way men can be so cold and impassive in these situations.

Anyway, sending strength to you op 💐

OP - I wouldn’t be surprised if he’ll try to get back with you but - do not get back with this man. He’s shown you who he is, and it’s not a pretty sight.
It may not feel like it right now but ‘sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck’

Just saw this thread. I had something similar (unfortunately many women do). I cried for 4 days after he broke up (it was a Tuesday, I cried Wednesday to Saturday). On Sunday I downloaded dating apps and started swiping. Met someone about a million times better who keeps his word. I was worried that he was a future faker too but actually he always does what he says he would do. It's been 2 years now, I rarely (never?) think about my loser ex. Just be cold and emotionless and move on please. There's no prize for analysing what went wrong with these men, I wouldn't bandy words like "narcissist" around. Who knows why he did it but we know that he didn't want to marry you. That's all you need to know - time to move on (I have a very high powered job too, make way more than any consultant out there although I'm not a doctor. I have built my career by never being affected by setbacks but just soldiering on. Same in my romantic life). And you too will get all you want but you need to work for it - so look around at the hospital you work at or download some good dating apps. Good luck!

Has anyone new started at work? My guess is that even if he isn’t actively involved yet, he has become infatuated with someone he feels is more “deserving of his greatness.” He will be turning on the charm and playing you as the very next in the line of “crazy” exes. You need to play this smart. Be thoroughly professional and unmoved. Don’t gossip or discuss your feelings about him at work. You can behave maturely and if pressed, say that you’re very grateful that he admitted that he wasn’t ready for commitment so that you didn’t waste any more time. Let people know that you are focusing on your studies and family and friends. Don’t do anything to “prove” anything to him. Just exist in your own bubble and watch him eat himself in guilt and resentment that you haven’t been eroded or minimised by him.

shake things up ..

daily make a mental list of all the things you dont like about him. Focus on them when ever you start to miss him or reminisce

go on some dates. Not to find love but to have fun and start to move on.

I could have written this!!!!!!
seems there is a lot of it about 😔😔😔

Thanks all. It’s been really really rough.

Even now nearly 5 months on His behaviour towards me continues to be him glaring at me, ignoring me or giving me a very terse ‘hi’ when he thinks someone else is looking. Bizarre, childish and unfortunately very hurtful for me to keep being subjected to. Why he needs yo
behave like this is beyond me?

Hopefully I look forward to the day it doesn’t get to me and I don’t care

Don’t be passive , “ hoping and waiting “ to feel better. Actively make yourself do so. You’ll be pretending to begin with, then one day you’ll realise you’re not any more!
Discourage all discussion about him with mutual friends/colleagues, give him a polite nod if you bump into him, force yourself to stop spectating about his possible reasoning etc.

He’s an arsehole end of, you will be so much better off without him, and the sooner you realise that the better for you.

Speculating

Well I have a rather hilarious update…..

Peter Pan was spotted in a bar/club last weekend getting off with some 27 yo junior doctor and has asked her out for drinks - she’s apparently told her friend (who has relayed this to me) that she’s going to go as she likes getting wined and dined but he’s ‘too old’

Ive actually taken this far better than I thought I would haha!

As I said, he’s an arsehole, and it is indeed laughable. Good for you seeing it for what it is. Onwards and upwards!

Well congratulations!! I’m so pleased you’ve moved on enough to recognise that he’s an entitled, deluded old fart. It will be very amusing when he is brought down to earth with a crash. (Don’t even answer his calls when he assumes you are waiting around pining like bloody Rapunzel in her tower for him to return on his white horse.)

Yes because he definitely will be back -hopefully when you have moved on and not prepared to accept crumbs. I finally feel like I am in that position myself but god it has been painful getting here.

Also been inspired to bring some dried fruit (dried pineapple in my case) and some Metamucil/meds to keep things regular. (DH will undoubtedly bring me fresh fruit if I send him a shopping list later.) I will buy some snacks like Harvest Snaps (am addicted) and favourite sugar-free sweets. (Also helps keep things going and I know better than to pig out on them.) Gluten-free hospital food is gruesome so I will pack some rice crackers and jam or something that doesn’t have to be 100% refrigerated. (I have coeliac disease obvs.) Also chewing gum and mouth wash to avoid dog breath when I can’t get up and around directly after surgery.

It reads like you have gone along with what he wants without stating your needs. Then when it's come to a point of making more commitment he's panicked and back tracked.

I'd be more vocal about what you want/expect from a relationship next time. That way you know what you're getting earlier on.

I'm guessing he's a surgeon. They're known for having a god complex. My dad is one.

Sorry-wrong thread!!!
Write and delete the email a million times until you totally believe it yourself. If you’ve ever seen Gremlins, contact from you would be like feeding one after midnight.