Hi all, my first post here (Hello!) and was wondering if anyone had any advice/support/what to do on a heart-breaking situation. I'm absolutely broken and devastated over this. I'm sorry its long......sit and have a cuppa, its quite a read!
I met my partner when I was 34 and he was 40. We were together 4 years until its ended. We were both unmarried and didn't have children.....right from the get go it was amazing. We connected on every level from a huge passion about music, food, similar specialised careers and of course an amazing love life. I know this sounds crazy but I still recall now the first time I met him before we even spoke having this ultra weird feeling I've never experienced before where it just hit me out of nowhere that this man was going to be in my life and thinking 'bloody hell there you are, where on earth have you been?'
I have had a few long term relationships prior to this spanning 4/5 years or so but never had anything like the attraction and connection I had with him. His previous dating history I should have been a red flag.....longest prior to me was 14 months although I put it down to his career choice and the fact he has spent his 20s/30s on training rotas all around the country.
Anyway........4 amazing, happy years together. No arguments, ultra secure and all our mutual friends (we work in the same industry) all said how I was the thing he needed in life and were so happy we got together. We both have separate hobbies which allowed us healthy time apart from each other and when we were together everything was fun, light and easy.
After a year or so I was pretty much living in the apartment he rented (bar having a night or 2 a week at my mums place as she is on her own and he would go visit his parents - they are a very close family unit) Everything was looking great. He would often initiate conversations about what life would be like when we're married, who we would invite from work and even down to conversations about picking our first dance songs whilst listening to the CD's over a bottle of wine......we also had conversations about starting a family and picking names of our children, we were so excited about it.
I've since found out he also said these things to my family and friends too about all his plans for our future sob
This year thoughts turned to buying our own place together, leave the rented flat and he would sell a property he rents out in order to do it. This seems to be when the wheels started falling off.......the sale was fraught with complications which he was getting extremely stressed with. He also has a very high powered job which he started getting incredibly stressed with and even started saying he didn't want to do anymore and his parents who he is ultra close with both suffered from some health problems. I would always sit and listen and tried to reassure him that everything will be okay and that its just a rough period of stress. He then started coming home saying odd things like he was sick of people at work asking him when he's going to get married. Ouch. Again, not putting pressure on him I just tried to say it was just people being curious and not to worry about what they're saying and they were probably just trying to find 'nice' stuff to talk about with him although he was making hints all summer to me about engagement rings and I was going to suggest starting to try for our family once all the property and health stress was sorted.
I had a week or so at my parents place to help provide care whilst they were poorly and then all of a sudden just got this horrible shift from him. He was cold and distant all week, he didn't come to visit and I just knew something was up. I got the dreaded 'we need to talk' over the phone and the only reasons I got were 'somethings missing' 'I'm not making you happy' 'He felt pressured for marriage (not from me?!)' and then bizarrely he wants to breakup because he wants to get married and start a family??
I tried explaining that 4 years into a relationship (which he hasn't experienced before) that things change and its not all like when you first meet someone and that its honestly completely normal to worry about doubts before making big decisions.
I honestly don't recognise the man he's turned into and how he can just throw away our lovely life we had together with so many shared family, friends and all those exciting plans for the future? Its like he's had a complete personality transplant. I'm 38 now and worry about my future a lot. He and mutual friends have all reassured me there is no one else.
He completely cut me off, blocked my phone and was ignoring me at work until very recently where 4 months on he's started saying Hello when he passes me.
Co-workers say he's been quiet, miserable, not his normal self and looks tired and run down. He's also apparently been saying he's worried he's going to end up a lonely old bachelor and that he wants to be on his own so he can avoid the drama (?!) of a relationship for a bit?
What does everyone think might be going on here?
This breakup has devastated me and I've taken it really hard but thankfully in a much better place now from how distraught I was at the beginning. I love this man dearly and we had such a bright future and I'd love to be able to sort things out. I really hope he can find whatever it is he's 'missing'
I'm missing my lover, best friend, our future and I just want to go home 😓
I'm doing my best with everything else, working hard, postgrad study, hobbies, socialising etc etc, all the things they say you should do in a breakup. Friends and family give the usual advice......'move on' 'focus on you' etc but I'm not finding that incredibly helpful right now, trust me, if I could stop feeling like s**t I would do!
Anyone have any insights? any way of repairing this or any way to make myself better and try and forget him? My whole world and future as I knew it has just gone poof and its so disorientating and scary. I really, truly love this man and I just cant make head nor tail as to what on earth has happened.
Thankyou for listening.