Partner broke up with me due to midlife crisis/commitment fears....my world is shattered. Any way to fix things?

[BadgerHill]

Hi all, my first post here (Hello!) and was wondering if anyone had any advice/support/what to do on a heart-breaking situation. I'm absolutely broken and devastated over this. I'm sorry its long......sit and have a cuppa, its quite a read!

I met my partner when I was 34 and he was 40. We were together 4 years until its ended. We were both unmarried and didn't have children.....right from the get go it was amazing. We connected on every level from a huge passion about music, food, similar specialised careers and of course an amazing love life. I know this sounds crazy but I still recall now the first time I met him before we even spoke having this ultra weird feeling I've never experienced before where it just hit me out of nowhere that this man was going to be in my life and thinking 'bloody hell there you are, where on earth have you been?'

I have had a few long term relationships prior to this spanning 4/5 years or so but never had anything like the attraction and connection I had with him. His previous dating history I should have been a red flag.....longest prior to me was 14 months although I put it down to his career choice and the fact he has spent his 20s/30s on training rotas all around the country.

Anyway........4 amazing, happy years together. No arguments, ultra secure and all our mutual friends (we work in the same industry) all said how I was the thing he needed in life and were so happy we got together. We both have separate hobbies which allowed us healthy time apart from each other and when we were together everything was fun, light and easy.

After a year or so I was pretty much living in the apartment he rented (bar having a night or 2 a week at my mums place as she is on her own and he would go visit his parents - they are a very close family unit) Everything was looking great. He would often initiate conversations about what life would be like when we're married, who we would invite from work and even down to conversations about picking our first dance songs whilst listening to the CD's over a bottle of wine......we also had conversations about starting a family and picking names of our children, we were so excited about it.

I've since found out he also said these things to my family and friends too about all his plans for our future sob

This year thoughts turned to buying our own place together, leave the rented flat and he would sell a property he rents out in order to do it. This seems to be when the wheels started falling off.......the sale was fraught with complications which he was getting extremely stressed with. He also has a very high powered job which he started getting incredibly stressed with and even started saying he didn't want to do anymore and his parents who he is ultra close with both suffered from some health problems. I would always sit and listen and tried to reassure him that everything will be okay and that its just a rough period of stress. He then started coming home saying odd things like he was sick of people at work asking him when he's going to get married. Ouch. Again, not putting pressure on him I just tried to say it was just people being curious and not to worry about what they're saying and they were probably just trying to find 'nice' stuff to talk about with him although he was making hints all summer to me about engagement rings and I was going to suggest starting to try for our family once all the property and health stress was sorted.

I had a week or so at my parents place to help provide care whilst they were poorly and then all of a sudden just got this horrible shift from him. He was cold and distant all week, he didn't come to visit and I just knew something was up. I got the dreaded 'we need to talk' over the phone and the only reasons I got were 'somethings missing' 'I'm not making you happy' 'He felt pressured for marriage (not from me?!)' and then bizarrely he wants to breakup because he wants to get married and start a family??

I tried explaining that 4 years into a relationship (which he hasn't experienced before) that things change and its not all like when you first meet someone and that its honestly completely normal to worry about doubts before making big decisions.

I honestly don't recognise the man he's turned into and how he can just throw away our lovely life we had together with so many shared family, friends and all those exciting plans for the future? Its like he's had a complete personality transplant. I'm 38 now and worry about my future a lot. He and mutual friends have all reassured me there is no one else.

He completely cut me off, blocked my phone and was ignoring me at work until very recently where 4 months on he's started saying Hello when he passes me.
Co-workers say he's been quiet, miserable, not his normal self and looks tired and run down. He's also apparently been saying he's worried he's going to end up a lonely old bachelor and that he wants to be on his own so he can avoid the drama (?!) of a relationship for a bit?

What does everyone think might be going on here?

This breakup has devastated me and I've taken it really hard but thankfully in a much better place now from how distraught I was at the beginning. I love this man dearly and we had such a bright future and I'd love to be able to sort things out. I really hope he can find whatever it is he's 'missing'

I'm missing my lover, best friend, our future and I just want to go home 😓

I'm doing my best with everything else, working hard, postgrad study, hobbies, socialising etc etc, all the things they say you should do in a breakup. Friends and family give the usual advice......'move on' 'focus on you' etc but I'm not finding that incredibly helpful right now, trust me, if I could stop feeling like s**t I would do!

Anyone have any insights? any way of repairing this or any way to make myself better and try and forget him? My whole world and future as I knew it has just gone poof and its so disorientating and scary. I really, truly love this man and I just cant make head nor tail as to what on earth has happened.

Thankyou for listening.

I get glimmers of it…..I wish I could find some more! Maybe that will come with time

Oh yes.

”All my exes were mad” is a massive red flag as it means he accepts no responsibility for his part in the break ups despite him being the common denominator.

And “I am not making you happy” is the shittiest line to feed someone. Doesn’t allow you the right to your own feelings about a truly hideous situation while trying to make himself look noble. Urgh.

My mother a narcissist was always looking for the perfect man. Had a few affairs which ended. The last one he died. Forty years later she still insists in her eighties that he was the perfect man. Ironically I once met his adult son who said that he was a bastard who had many affairs my mother just happened to be his last.

@BadgerHill he'll always be chasing the perfect woman and will never be happy. Honestly you've dodged a bullet which you will understand one day.

Oh he’s tried to make himself look noble alright…..he has a couple of flying monkeys in the work place who he told that he was ‘doing me a favour’ Please.

Always another woman
And I wasted time on him.
Cold and shut me out completely, you lose everything the home you share, your life, everything.
And he cares not a jot and goes on as normal.

You really do need to look for a new position somewhere else, to get over this, and no matter how niche your work is, it can be done.

He is never going to be a nice person, and his other girlfriends were never as mad as they were driven mad by him.

It sounds like he's not used to the responsibility of being with another person long-term or dealing with the problems in a relationship.

A set of difficult circumstances had him running for the hills.

Now he's thinking about himself (being lonely when he gets older); he's NOT thinking about you, your feelings or what you've been through.

I learned the hard way that no matter how well you get on with someone and love them/eachnother, it's no guarantee that things will work.

The guy is a relationship loser! This is not you're fault.

You will kick your self in years to come on the time wasted mourning the relationship.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Don't over analyse his weirdness... just let it go... it helps dating, exercising, hobbies, spending time with friends and family.

Co-workers say he's been quiet, miserable, not his normal self and looks tired and run down. He's also apparently been saying he's worried he's going to end up a lonely old bachelor and that he wants to be on his own so he can avoid the drama (?!) of a relationship for a bit?

This happened to me once. And after a time I found out that the guy had relapsed onto heroin and his gambling addiction. Could it be something like that?

Another who thinks he has his eyes on someone else. I’ve been there and recognise the way you say he’s had a complete personality change, has cut you off, gone cold and the old chestnut ‘there’s something missing’. He will of course be convincing those around him that there’s no-one else. Doesn’t want people to think badly of him. He’ll wait a while then just introduce her as a new love interest, when the reality is she’s been there all along. But tbh it’s irrelevant, as he’s checked out of relationship and as hard as it is, you just need to be strong and accept it’s over. Carry on doing what you’re doing, socialising and doing your hobbies, and it will get easier. It might be a long road but you’ll get there eventually. Sending you positive hugs OP.

Knowing him as I do I imagine he will have been drinking like a fish - not unusual for him to park himself up in pubs on his own. A lot of his spare time revolves around alcohol

I was going to say this when you mentioned your studies. Some men don't like it if a woman is bettering herself, sadly.
I know this from experience.

Oh gruesome

Don’t berate yourself for ruminating or analysing as by definition if you are doing that it’s because you’ve no choice. For me when going through hell only option is to keep going. All built differently but I’d be same as you and turning it over in my heart/mind as just care/feel things deeply and even when you’re not supposed to or don’t want to feel a certain way… well it doesn’t stop you feeling it. By going over it all and well lets face it suffering it through can be a way of eventually getting closure. Really is only so many times can cry or feel it until something crosses over in you that you are done. Life can be very strange. I once had a similar experience gosh over 20 years ago. Head over heels. He ended it abruptly. Pain was horrendous so I moved away and had a great adventure. Was before mobiles but when I got back for 2+ years he had decided I was the one only the old there’s nothing more bizarre than the emotions of someone we’ve ceased to love applied at that point so was not interested. Wouldn’t be outwith the realms of possibility that this man will one day view you as the one that got away and moreover fate being what it is might be at a time when you no longer give two fecks…
You’re not a failure… all a learning experience this life malarkey and plus side is you get to spend precious time with your lovely Mum so even though lament in one ear also a song in the other.

Some men just can’t cope with a woman being ill and suddenly not being able to prioritise him and it sounds like he’s one of them - as soon as you malfunction they’re done with you, like a light being switched off. Much much better to have found this out now because your mum was ill, rather than if you had became ill after marrying him.

Oh yuk just saw your update that he’s a drinker. Definitely a lucky escape OP.

His past history has lots of short relationships

Just because you wanted marriage & children does not mean that he wanted the same thing. He may have said things just to go along with your conversations.

Most men do not have a biological clock ticking. In that case he can continue with further short term relationships indefinitely.

It sounds like he used the time that you had away as an excuse to break up

He sounds cold & calculated

You deserve better

This ^
He could keep it quiet from friends and colleagues. Or perhaps he had an affair and can’t live with himself?

So he's not Dr Perfect then.

If you look back there will be other signs.

Also, to be fair to HIM - you're 38 & still studying, living with parents and hoping for a £50k graduate job in 18 months..... There's probably some unanswered questions there about what you've been doing with the last 20 years. He's got a medical career & 2 properties - perhaps he doesn't want to share it with someone he doesn't view as working at the same level.

If you want a family then prioritise thatb

I’ve read your posts and my heart goes out to how you’re feeling at the moment, it’s awful. But trust me, you dodged a bullet here. Imagine being married and having children with such a self absorbed man. Honestly. Transpose his behaviour onto how he’d behave if you were poorly pregnant, weepy with PND, struggling with mental health after sleep deprivation from night feeding (literally no mother is immune to that we just all have different variations of it) honestly you had a lucky escape. Can’t remember the singer but there’s a song ‘you turned to be the best thing I never had’. You’ll never forget this and I understand your pain now but the universe has a way of pointing us in the right direction and it sounds like you’re an amazing talented lady and beautiful inside and out. It’s hard to think of the future when you’re going through the trauma process to be kind to yourself for now, nurture yourself, cry your heart out if need be but remember you dodged a bullet and one day - trust me - you’ll be grateful xx

I’m so sorry OP. This sounds very upsetting for you.

I know a man like this. I have known him well for around 30 years and have a big picture view.

He has a big heart which he wears on his sleeve. He’s good looking, good job, looks after himself, but when it comes to relationships it’s a disaster zone. He’s had a series of mid-length relationships - think years rather than months - and everything is going fine… until it isn’t. A plan to move in together will suddenly lead to him leaving. When he really likes someone he bolts. There is very little understanding on his part why this happens and he thinks he’s destined to be alone.

In reality, he had a traumatic childhood filled with abuse, alcoholism, and emotional neglect. Tragic, really. I wish I could wave a wand for him, but I can’t.

Does your ex have a history like this, OP?

Thanks…..that’s the odd thing though when during the breakup he said he felt pressured for marriage…..it was him who was always bringing that up with me and him who told my family and friends.

I guess he’s put all that pressure on himself?

I know on this post I sound like some anxious bunny oiler but I was honestly in such a great, happy, stable place when I met him - that’s why everyone he was friends with and who know me through work were so happy that he’d met me.

He blocked my phone the day I said I couldn’t be friends with him as there was no way I wanted to sit by and watch him create the life he had promised with me and that I was kind, loyal, patient, intelligent, beautiful and he didn’t deserve me. Ouch! I hope that stung (clearly did to block my phone) That was a day where I did have some anger.

Part of me wishes he’d get his sh*t together and part of me knows there is no going back from this.

I wonder if he pities me that I’m not super angry or ‘crazy’ like his other exes were. It’s like he’s half expected me to slag him off everywhere at work - I’m very proud to say I haven’t done that, people just know I’ve been upset is all.

He'll groom the next one and tell her that you were batshit and broke his heart.

He's not goin to make old bones with his binge drinking anyway

@BadgerHill you are going through a grieving process, you will do that in a way that is as unique as you are, and in the best way for you. Take your time, be kind to yourself and don’t let anyone tell you that the way you are dealing with it isn’t the right way. Whatever stage you are currently at is where you need to be. Also, it may not be the linear process you might expect, and that’s ok too. Remember, you are not alone, all relationships are transient and end eventually. Heartbreak is as natural as human love xx

Just reading through the other posts (yep… I should have done that first).

I recognise the narcissist comment. There is definitely a streak there with the guy I’m talking about, but not in a horrible way. More self-protection.

He stopped drinking but took up smoking weed. I would not like to see how he would behave in a relationship where pregnancy/children were involved. I honestly think it would be too much for him.

I had very strong feelings for him many, many years ago and I see now how I absolutely dodged that bullet.

I’ve worked within my medical profession for the last 20 years and was in my previous role when he met me.

Ive been offered a once in a lifetime opportunity for a job which involves returning to study as part of the training for it. It’s not ‘hoping’ for the job at the end, it’s written into my training contract as I’m working - it’s an advanced role in cancer surgery.

I have two degrees already and getting paid a decent wage to train on a paid for course at the same time. I certainly haven’t been sat around for 20 years doing nothing.