Partner broke up with me due to midlife crisis/commitment fears....my world is shattered. Any way to fix things?

[BadgerHill]

Hi all, my first post here (Hello!) and was wondering if anyone had any advice/support/what to do on a heart-breaking situation. I'm absolutely broken and devastated over this. I'm sorry its long......sit and have a cuppa, its quite a read!

I met my partner when I was 34 and he was 40. We were together 4 years until its ended. We were both unmarried and didn't have children.....right from the get go it was amazing. We connected on every level from a huge passion about music, food, similar specialised careers and of course an amazing love life. I know this sounds crazy but I still recall now the first time I met him before we even spoke having this ultra weird feeling I've never experienced before where it just hit me out of nowhere that this man was going to be in my life and thinking 'bloody hell there you are, where on earth have you been?'

I have had a few long term relationships prior to this spanning 4/5 years or so but never had anything like the attraction and connection I had with him. His previous dating history I should have been a red flag.....longest prior to me was 14 months although I put it down to his career choice and the fact he has spent his 20s/30s on training rotas all around the country.

Anyway........4 amazing, happy years together. No arguments, ultra secure and all our mutual friends (we work in the same industry) all said how I was the thing he needed in life and were so happy we got together. We both have separate hobbies which allowed us healthy time apart from each other and when we were together everything was fun, light and easy.

After a year or so I was pretty much living in the apartment he rented (bar having a night or 2 a week at my mums place as she is on her own and he would go visit his parents - they are a very close family unit) Everything was looking great. He would often initiate conversations about what life would be like when we're married, who we would invite from work and even down to conversations about picking our first dance songs whilst listening to the CD's over a bottle of wine......we also had conversations about starting a family and picking names of our children, we were so excited about it.

I've since found out he also said these things to my family and friends too about all his plans for our future sob

This year thoughts turned to buying our own place together, leave the rented flat and he would sell a property he rents out in order to do it. This seems to be when the wheels started falling off.......the sale was fraught with complications which he was getting extremely stressed with. He also has a very high powered job which he started getting incredibly stressed with and even started saying he didn't want to do anymore and his parents who he is ultra close with both suffered from some health problems. I would always sit and listen and tried to reassure him that everything will be okay and that its just a rough period of stress. He then started coming home saying odd things like he was sick of people at work asking him when he's going to get married. Ouch. Again, not putting pressure on him I just tried to say it was just people being curious and not to worry about what they're saying and they were probably just trying to find 'nice' stuff to talk about with him although he was making hints all summer to me about engagement rings and I was going to suggest starting to try for our family once all the property and health stress was sorted.

I had a week or so at my parents place to help provide care whilst they were poorly and then all of a sudden just got this horrible shift from him. He was cold and distant all week, he didn't come to visit and I just knew something was up. I got the dreaded 'we need to talk' over the phone and the only reasons I got were 'somethings missing' 'I'm not making you happy' 'He felt pressured for marriage (not from me?!)' and then bizarrely he wants to breakup because he wants to get married and start a family??

I tried explaining that 4 years into a relationship (which he hasn't experienced before) that things change and its not all like when you first meet someone and that its honestly completely normal to worry about doubts before making big decisions.

I honestly don't recognise the man he's turned into and how he can just throw away our lovely life we had together with so many shared family, friends and all those exciting plans for the future? Its like he's had a complete personality transplant. I'm 38 now and worry about my future a lot. He and mutual friends have all reassured me there is no one else.

He completely cut me off, blocked my phone and was ignoring me at work until very recently where 4 months on he's started saying Hello when he passes me.
Co-workers say he's been quiet, miserable, not his normal self and looks tired and run down. He's also apparently been saying he's worried he's going to end up a lonely old bachelor and that he wants to be on his own so he can avoid the drama (?!) of a relationship for a bit?

What does everyone think might be going on here?

This breakup has devastated me and I've taken it really hard but thankfully in a much better place now from how distraught I was at the beginning. I love this man dearly and we had such a bright future and I'd love to be able to sort things out. I really hope he can find whatever it is he's 'missing'

I'm missing my lover, best friend, our future and I just want to go home 😓

I'm doing my best with everything else, working hard, postgrad study, hobbies, socialising etc etc, all the things they say you should do in a breakup. Friends and family give the usual advice......'move on' 'focus on you' etc but I'm not finding that incredibly helpful right now, trust me, if I could stop feeling like s**t I would do!

Anyone have any insights? any way of repairing this or any way to make myself better and try and forget him? My whole world and future as I knew it has just gone poof and its so disorientating and scary. I really, truly love this man and I just cant make head nor tail as to what on earth has happened.

Thankyou for listening.

He sounds like quite a troubled man. Lots of little things; the alpha personality (not great in relationships though brilliant in the boardroom), the flipping from idealisation of you and your relationship to denigration of you and your relationship, the jealousy of your putting your mother ahead of him, the potentially merged relationship with his own parents.

There are reasons why this man was single at 40 and had never had a relationship longer than 14 mths - those reasons sounds like he has emotional and relational difficulties which has made it hard for him to sustain real relationships.

The utter confusion you feel is telling. You are dealing with something a bit mad and which doesn't make sense to you.

It is very painful when a relationship is over especially in such a sudden and confusing way, you're left wondering and trying to hypothesize and fill in this gaps.

You might have to accept that you will never really understand what happened.

Eventually the pain will reduce as you get used to the new reality. One day I think you'll look back and think you had quite a lucky escape, really. (Something which many posters are picking up on, having an objective standpoint)

I'm sorry OP - that is so shit. No wonder you thought he was the one.

He might be just one of those men who loves the excitement of the early days. That usually goes down after about 2 years but I would say 4 is really the settling down time for most people.

He completely cut me off, blocked my phone

Did he do that because you were contacting him too much? Otherwise, it's so extreme for someone who's been with you intimately for 4 years. In front of your at least, he seemed to be planning his life with you! Makes me wonder if he's the sort to just pack his bag one day and just leave his wife, with no warning.

Unless you can shine a light on that, It does make me wonder if he had someone else in the background and wanted to make sure no suspicious messages would come up on his phone.

As much as you loved him, clearly you two weren't that compatible if this is what's happened.

This happened to a friend of mine after 17 years together. Partner was a senior specialist consultant. Had also just turned 40.

One day he went off with his PT and asked my friend to move out. Out of the blue. Theyd been together since university.

That ex partner is now with someone much younger and describes my friend as boring.

I think some very very career focused people just wake up one day, realise life has passed them by and are no longer sure they really want the things they thought they wanted.

Also if he is very "split" in his emotional and psychological world, it is possible that he genuinely wanted to marry you (idealising) and also when the split flipped felt that you were not the one for various reasons (denigrating).

It isn't logical because it is not an integrated whole relationship with a person. He has one relationship with you which he experiences as-ideal and another which he experiences as bad. Black and white thinking is a colloquial way of describing it.

Whichever one is being experienced at any one time is the ONLY one. All knowledge of the other kind is hidden.

That's how he can be so contradictory and how you are left feeling so confused.

Most relationships where people are planning to marry are real and the good feelings of love and bad feelings of irritation and annoyance and even resentment and hatred are integrated, all come together to make a whole.

You love your partner at the same time as you can feel angry with them and resentment of them. You know it doesn't overwhelm the love - that the person you're enraged with is also the person you love and who you can feel good with. It's various shades of grey rather than black and white.

If someone functions psychically on a more primitive level more of the time - the relationship isn't mature and strong in this way and able to hold together complex contradictory feelings.

Instead there is an experience of an ideal - until the ideal is shattered by something that hurts the person - and then there is a flip into the relationship being experienced as wholly wrong.

I wondered if something like this is what has happened here. Maybe not of course , but possibly?

Having read your OP again it does sound like you were both fully signed up to a very idealised view of your relationship- no arguments, perfection etc. you were made for each other, the minute you set eyes on each other, it was meant to be - and so on.

It doesn't sound like the kind of relationship which was messy and difficult at times, where there were arguments and makings up and apologies and a gradual learning of how to really be together in a real way.

The problem with an idealisation of a relationship is that when something goes wrong it can't be accommodated - if it's not ideal it must be terrible - and it needs to be over.

Sounds like he was very angry that you left him to go to your mother. He's felt angry, he's flipped the splitting switch, and that has led him to think this must be a really bad relationship, not ideal at all.

You sound like an inspirational hardworking and lovely person ..

I had an alcoholic X and the best thing I did was leave him. He’s done you a massive favour and you’ll realise this in time

from what I’ve read this man might be a successful consultant but in his private life he’s a ‘future faker’ with one true love - booze.

he's likely threatened by your intelligence and success, even jealous. How pathetic and childish.
Perhaps he’ll end up with a nurse have a couple kids then leave her because something’s missing. I would feel sorry for whomever he next decides to string along for 4 months, 4 years or a decade, whatever period of time.

I think your friend has a point he is likely a narcissist. So much better he’s done this when you are 38 rather than 45, 50, no? Yes he’s wasted a few years of your life but it was good while it lasted and you from your analysing will learn from it.

it reminds me of a Rihanna song

you put on quite a show
really had me going
that was quite a show
very entertaining
but it’s over now
so go on and take a bow

he abandoned you at your most vulnerable, is that the kind of father you want for your children? and during your relationship he gaslighted you to think he he wanted the same future with you as you did with him. Or perhaps he did and for whatever reason changed his mind.. kind of besides the point as you’ll never know sadly.

Get angry! Or don’t! But I hope for your sake that you can get over him!

YOU are going to come out better from this.

@Daisylookslost Perhaps he’ll end up with a nurse

OP may be a nurse too (her description sounds like she's a trainee ACP)

Typical sexism in a few comments here. OP obviously has a highly specialised career and is studying at post-grad level for an even more specialised role. Then people comment on her lower income (at 6 years younger) than her ex, implying his outrageous behaviour is due to this. It possibly is a factor, but more due to the fact that any decent man would take a career break to do the childcare once maternity leave was used up, so that OP's career could continue to soar.

I agree that it sounds as if he didn't like you looking after someone other than him, didn't like the reality of how he'd have to commit to real life (sharing responsibilities and income and your attention), and is possibly narcissistic.

You are better off without him as he sounds like he'd be awful as a dad and co-parent.

Nevertheless, it is devastating to go through such a painful shock. I hope you start to feel better very soon.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

You will be okay but you have to accept that it takes time to heal. Unfortunately there is no shortcut or magic pill, only time.

Eventually you will look back and see him for his true self.

You might even occasionally miss part of him, but that won't mean you’ll want to be with him, because you’ll know his true colours.

Keep going, for now you’re allowed to feel the pain, but it will go and the sun will shine again 💐

Sounds like your traineeship made him realise that he would not necessarily be number 1 in the relationship and he may have to accommodate your career as well.

OP, I was in a similar situation - was in a relationship with a guy for 2 years who basically ended things because he didn't want to commit to living together or anything else. The root cause of his fear was that he was exceptionally risk adverse, particularly financially, and saw me (or anyone for that matter - I'm no risk taker) as a liability - as being in a relationship means relinquishing some control e.g. what if we got a mortgage then I lost my job.... I was gutted as our relationship was otherwise strong, felt like a stupid thing to split over (all based on 'what ifs' rather than anything that had actually happened).

Several years on he is still single and while I'm sure he'll probably date occasionally I doubt he'll ever live with a partner never mind marry. I can see now that his insecurity would have meant a stressful life for both parties.

You say it was perfect until he had to respond to stress. Therefore it wasn’t perfect, was it? Pity the next woman that comes along, don’t envy her. You can and deserve better and you will.

Makes a fact of "end up a lovely bachelor" to throw shade to the fact he's been turned.
It's the oldest thing - when you act completely different and shut down the attention you were giving that person is being given elsewhere. He's not going to let mutual friends know yet as he's embarrassed and keeping it quite. It's the only explanation and will come out in time, you'll see.
What to do? The best thing you can do it show how confident you are and are getting on with things. Go out with friends - show you are getting on with life. It will either not bother him or he'll be surprised you're not sitting around moping after him.

Thanks for your input everyone.

I realise I’m totally mad for wanting him back after he just flipped on me like this.

So….what’s the best way to deal with him at work?

his behaviour initially was extremely petty - blanking me or outright legging it whenever he saw me…..I’m now getting the occasional cold, clipped ‘hi’ when he sees me. Especially if there’s someone else there to watch him.

Do I bother smiling and saying hi back or just blank him and give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore him.

I don’t want to be seen as unprofessional (and thankfully we don’t work directly together) yet at the same time I don’t see why he even deserves my attention if he’s not going to come to me with something meaningful.

Which is completely silly thinking on his part…..yes I was doing it for my career prospects but also our future now I’m no longer on a night/weekend rota, basically 9-5 and will be taking in a pretty hefty pay rise? Anyway, it’s done now I guess

If there was ever a time to channelise UK’s failed Eurovision 2023 entry by Mae Moeller - “Instead I wrote a song” it’s now. Only instead of writing a song focus on yourself and your career.

handy list of Things that matter -

1. Your career progression
2. Your mental health
3. Your physical health
4. Your financial health
5. Meeting new folks

handy list of things that do not matter -

1. Why he did what he did
2. Whether it was X that caused it
3. Whether it was Y that caused it
4. What mutual friends have to say about it
5. What mutual friends have to say about him
6. How could he!!
7. Him.

Hi op, I’m sorry this has happened. He’s sounds awful. Who acts like this when your mum was really ill, blocking you on sm and ignoring you at work. I think you’re confused and analysing because you never got a reason and closure. His behaviour should be your closure though.
I would never look back if someone treated me like this.
Please focus on your new life, at 38, if you want a family, partner etc you’ll need to move on. Not meaning to add more stresses but I wouldn’t want you to end up without your family because he took prime years from you. i would be looking to date others and propel myself out there.
You sound really lovely and deserve happiness.
Also, yes I would say hi. Rise above it and remain professional

Going forward you completely ignore him anytime you happen to come across him at work.

That's as much as he deserves!
You owe him nothing - No doubt he'll slag you off to his next conquest. That might hurt at first but you're well rid of him. Remember how shit he made you feel.

By ignoring him you are taking back control. Why should you give a fuck what he thinks of you now! Men absolutely hate to be ignored - he won't know what you're thinking - His reaction will go either way

1. He'll ramp up trying to get your attention by being extra nice to you.
2. He'll hook up with someone else very quickly to teach you a lesson. How dare you move on from him!

He's a dickhead - treat accordingly!

If you really want to piss him off massively! hook up with someone else, make sure he knows about it! Petty I know! Might cheer you up a bit!

Just give a brief professional nod of the head. No smiling and no hi.

Yes people always know or sense more about others than they let on so take heart op that his colleagues and even his friends at work will already realise, or start to realise, that the problem lies with him and not you.

This!

Fake it until you make it. Even to yourself. Speak to yourself the way you would a close friend.

My exH left me last year. Fell of tears etc. he had someone waiting in the wings. They're now together. Let her 'enjoy' him I say. In worth 1000% more than that as are you.

I fear your romanticising him try to remember all the stuff that used to do your head in. Luckily I have a VERY long list 😂

@BadgerHill you're doing brilliantly career wise and are clearly a lovely caring person. He is an arrogant, self-centred dick who copes with any difficult issues by running away, getting angry and drinking too much. Having kids with this man would have been hell. Be glad he has gone and enjoy your single life. Embrace the time with your mum. There's no great rush to get your own place and it is nothing to be ashamed of -I bet she is loving having your company.

I am so sorry op. Similar happened to me - I was discarded without a backward glance (my ex was cheating). Take time to heal. Do not even consider having him back - he won’t change and it will happen again. Move on.

@BadgerHill At work you should treat him like any other colleague. Personally, I’d be tempted to mutter ‘fuck off’ under my breath as he walked past but I’m probably less professional than you!

Your best revenge is to live well. Continue with your studies, get your own place and move on with your life. Also, you don’t need him or any other man in your life to have a baby. Don’t be tempted to jump straight into another relationship in order to have a family.

You sound lovely. He sounds like a big shit. You'll never know/understand why so don't waste any of your time trying to work it out. You are not like him so you'll never understand. Definitely ignore him at work! And if he ever does come sniffing around (I don't think he will but you never know!) tell him to get to fuck. I wish you a happy future.