DP’s dog causing issues. Need advice.

[ella89]

I have temporarily moved in with my fiancé before we move nearer my family after the wedding. At the moment he lives in a first floor flat with his dog and cat. He is out of the house working every weekday from 7am to 6pm while I work from home.

He has a 7 year old male dog (pinscher cross) and his behaviour is causing issues.

He wasn’t toilet trained when I got together with DP and we have now trained him. The issue is that the dog misbehaves a lot when DP is out. They are very bonded and the dog jumps up at me, barks, scratches me, tries to nip, chews the sofa, jumps on top of the cat and this is usually because he wants to be let on to the balcony. He also tries to eat my food and bothers me at lunchtime. DP encourages him to be crazy when he comes home and often plays boisterous games. The cat is often stressed by this so I don’t like it.

I think routine is important so I take the dog for short walks twice a day when DP is at work but he still behaves in this way. I had a big argument with DP today because I tried to discuss the problem and he just said things like:

’He never behaves like this when I’m there’

‘My mum never has this problem with him when she pops in to take him outside.’

‘You need to be more harsh with him when he misbehaves’

‘If you can’t cope with the dog, how will you cope in the future with a baby?’

‘This is going to be a problem for us living together because he doesn’t respect you’

I feel like he’s blaming me when really he should have trained him from when he was a puppy. I said this to him and he said ‘well next time you can train the dog’.

I grew up with dogs and none of them ever acted like this so it’s not that I dislike dogs. I like all animals. But I feel upset because it’s like I am irritating DP when I try to sort it out. He literally said ‘well what do you want me to do about it when I’m at work?’ He accused me of wanting rid of him when I really don’t.

Does anyone have advice about how to improve the situation?

If the dog bites you surely it needs to be PTS?

Sorry I say bite but it’s more like a small nip when he’s jumping up. I’ve edited this now.

Does anyone have advice about how to improve the situation?

Yeah. Accept that how your DP deals with the issues with his dog are how he is going to deal with any other issues that come up in your relationship. Gaslighting, lying, blaming you, making you feel like you're making a fuss. Is that how you want to live your life?

There would be no next dog, and no baby, with him.

DP either gets on board with proper training, that you both carry out consistently or he pays for doggy day care so you can work instead of managing crazy paws.

Did he really leave a big dog like that locked up in a flat from 6am to 7pm with no exercise? No wonder the dog wasn’t toilet trained. He’s telling you exactly what sort of man he is - one that will never ever change a nappy.

That poor dog is probably bored senseless if he's left all day and sounds like zero training (and I don't mean harsh/reprimanding like he suggests!). I agree this is a massive red flag of how he will parent and would be leaving and reporting him to the rspca for neglect. Horrible man and poor dog

The way you raise a dog can be very similar to the way you raise a child. He is showing you what kind of parent and co-parent he will be.

I'd advise you to take notice.

You will have similar issues after children but you won't be able to say you didn't know.

He sounds like an utter delight! Treats his animals like shit and can’t be arsed to look after them properly. Personally I’d be calling off the wedding and bidding him farewell, he’s never going to change. Oh and take the pets with you, they don’t deserve to be treated like this.

What type of a father will he be? He couldn't even be arsed to toilet train his own dog ffs, he still isn't training his own dog, all he seems to do with it is wind it up and deny that there is any problem.

I'm a dog lover but OP seriously, this man is showing you what he is like when he is responsible (or at best jointly responsible) for a small dependent living creature. Ignore this at your peril: he is going to be an absolutely shit Disney dad who expects you to do everything and be grateful for his criticism while you're at it. Is that the life that you want?

Can’t you rent a desk at a communal office space so you’re not there during the working day?

Dog needs to go to doggy day care. How awful to be left alone all day every day like that.

Also, your fiance sounds horrible.

He dotes on the dog in other ways. He takes him out on weekends and he also comes on holidays away with us in the summer. I don’t want to portray him as neglectful because he isn’t. But he is time poor and that’s why he hasn’t trained him well. He was relying on his mum to take the dog out before I was here. The dog is quite small (think he was crossed with a smaller breed) so he doesn’t need hours of exercise. I try to spend time with him as much as I can because I do think he’s easily bored.

@ella89 he does not sound mature enough to have a dog, never mind a baby! dont think there should ever be another dog unless he trains it properly. he actively encourages it to be wild when he comes home and this is not good!

As so often happens...the first answer nails it.

He has no interest in making life good for you.

But if he is so time poor that he is unable to train his dog he shouldn't have one. And blaming everything on you and refusing to take responsibility for his own actions is a massive red flag. This will be your life.

Big fucking deal. He takes the dog out at weekends, isn’t he the owner of the year. He is neglectful whatever you think.

You’ll be back on here in a few years bleating on about the fact you’re married to an utter twat who does bugger all around the house and can’t be arsed to parent his own child.

Exactly. Somebody who is out of the house 12 hours should accept that they don't have a lifestyle that is suitable for a dog.

"But he is time poor and that’s why he hasn’t trained him well. He was relying on his mum to take the dog out before I was here. "

Why the fuck did he get a dog? Just wanted one? What an idiot.

Yep.

Imagine how the dog will be with a baby.

Imagine how the man will be with a baby.

Run for the hills now, while you still can!

Out of interest, what was the dog like before you moved in? How is he with your fiancé? Does he behave or is a nuisance always?

Big ddog in a flat with his dm popping in previously isn't a good life for that ddog imo. What sort of methods does he use to control the ddog op? Best way to get an idea of a potential df is to see a man with a dpet... He sounds awful. Do you have to marry him?

Dogs don't need weekends out and holidays. They need commited owners who are focused and able to provide them with what they need on a daily basis. A bit like parents.

Honestly, ignore this shitshow at your peril, if you have children with this man, it will be a disaster for you, and for the kids.

And as I'm certain you already know OP small dogs still need exercise, training and mental stimulation. They need company. None of which is very achievable when their owner is outb of the house 13 hours a day.

There's a reason charities won't rehome a dog to somebody who is out of the house more than 4 hours a day regularly.