DP’s dog causing issues. Need advice.

[ella89]

I have temporarily moved in with my fiancé before we move nearer my family after the wedding. At the moment he lives in a first floor flat with his dog and cat. He is out of the house working every weekday from 7am to 6pm while I work from home.

He has a 7 year old male dog (pinscher cross) and his behaviour is causing issues.

He wasn’t toilet trained when I got together with DP and we have now trained him. The issue is that the dog misbehaves a lot when DP is out. They are very bonded and the dog jumps up at me, barks, scratches me, tries to nip, chews the sofa, jumps on top of the cat and this is usually because he wants to be let on to the balcony. He also tries to eat my food and bothers me at lunchtime. DP encourages him to be crazy when he comes home and often plays boisterous games. The cat is often stressed by this so I don’t like it.

I think routine is important so I take the dog for short walks twice a day when DP is at work but he still behaves in this way. I had a big argument with DP today because I tried to discuss the problem and he just said things like:

’He never behaves like this when I’m there’

‘My mum never has this problem with him when she pops in to take him outside.’

‘You need to be more harsh with him when he misbehaves’

‘If you can’t cope with the dog, how will you cope in the future with a baby?’

‘This is going to be a problem for us living together because he doesn’t respect you’

I feel like he’s blaming me when really he should have trained him from when he was a puppy. I said this to him and he said ‘well next time you can train the dog’.

I grew up with dogs and none of them ever acted like this so it’s not that I dislike dogs. I like all animals. But I feel upset because it’s like I am irritating DP when I try to sort it out. He literally said ‘well what do you want me to do about it when I’m at work?’ He accused me of wanting rid of him when I really don’t.

Does anyone have advice about how to improve the situation?

If he can't cope with the responsibilities he already has - ddog - tell him he shouldn't be taking on any more. Split the wedding fund. He spends his half on a walker and you find a new flat..

As Maya Angelou said ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’

Well done, I think you are being very sensible.

In my opinion, everyone in a household needs to be on board with dog training. Whilst I appreciate this isn't your dog, it is going to be your dog by proxy. Perhaps you could suggest taking some training classes with the dog. You could even do it as an activity together, but it's very clear that the dog needs training. It's not too late.

OP we have a medium sized relatively lively breed of dog and we have never left him for a day with just a pop in.

I work from home 3 days a week, DH works shift so we juggle quite a lot, on the days I'm not here all day we pay for him to go to daycare where he flies around with a bunch of other dogs and is exhausted when he get home. Is that an option?

Failing that, if we ever leave him (3.5 hours max) we take him for at least an hour's walk first, then we leave the telly on for him and he settles quickly. But that shows you that most people won't leave a dog all day with just a pop in if they can help it.

On a normal day he has a 20 min walk morning and evening and at least a 40 min sniffywalk at lunchtime meaning my lunch is a 20 min crammed sandwich at my desk but if I don't give him a good long sniffy walk he's a dickhead by 4pm driving me nuts and wanting to play.

Get the routine right and you've got a contented well behaved dog. I would expect your partner to be doing at least the early morning 20 min walk if he's expecting you to be doggy daycare whilst working. My DH does at least 50% of the walks in this house and that's every day of the week, not just weekends.

I agree with others that doggy stimulation is important. Find treat toys or balls that you can put kibble in (breakfast maybe) to keep them amused for 20 mins. I play a treat game with my dog where I break up tiny pieces of treats (say three treats into 6) and I make him wait whilst I hide them round the house. Then I send them off for him to sniff out. 20 mins later he's asleep upside down for at least an hour

Apologies OP, I just read your update and I think leaving is the right thing to do. I hope my reply wasn't to ill advised but perhaps shows you what "normal" looks like when you have a dog in a busy household and care deeply for the dogs needs.

Dogs can be amazing family members if cared for in the right way, but in the wrong hands it boils my blood and your partner shouldn't be trying to wriggle out of the fact that he's not being fair to the dog. Behavioural issues in dogs are predominantly down to the owner, not the breed

OP you are doing the right thing. Get to a minimum safe distance and maybe you will be able to see this guy for who he is. He is not good husband material.

As a dog owner of over 15 years, his behaviour is disgusting. I'm so sorry the dog has started biting you now, but it's no wonder with the way your partner treats it.

Dog walkers do get expensive, but it's something you need to factor in when deciding to get a dog (or not!).

I worry that even with regular walks and training, your partner's aggressive playing would undermine the benefits.

You say you rarely argue, but have only just started living with him? Disagreements will happen a lot over a lifetime of living together, his lack of caring, gas lighting, blaming and shutting you down is how he will react to literally all of them.

Can you work out of the house until you can leave? Is he expecting you to be the live in dog walker/trainer?

Just to add, if the dog biting his fiancé isn't a massive wake up call to sort himself out and take some responsibility then nothing will be. I couldn't marry someone who had such little respect for my feelings (and safety) TBH

Please stay out of the house as much as possible for your own safety.

OP, it sounds like the dogs bored and wants to play/interact with you. If he is on kibble don't give it all to him in the morning save some and scatter it around flat so he has something to do, sellotape a box so he has to get it out. Google enrichment for dogs, will take 10 mins but will tire the dog out. Your partners not there to help, the dogs getting plenty or exercise so it seems like he just needs a bit of mental stimulation. Sorry if I am telling you things you already know.

You're doing the right thing, OP. I would consider making it permanent too, without him and his dog. As others have highlighted, his neglectful (and it is neglect) treatment of his dog and the subsequent impact on the dogs behaviour should act as a crystal ball on what he would deem acceptable standards when raising a baby/child and that you'll be left to do the donkeys work whilst he plays Disney dad at the weekends, likely with complete disregard to any discipline/routines you'll have. I've witnessed it on several occasions now the relationship between people's pets and their kids. I have had to restrict contact with an old friend whose dogs were a nuisance who then had children who are exactly the same; really naughty, hitting and biting and constantly in trouble at nursery/school.

It's quite concerning also that this dog thinks nothing of nipping/biting, it shouldn't be anywhere near a baby/child, similar dogs would be put to sleep. Think carefully before continuing a relationship with this man.

Past performance is a good predictor of future behavior.

No all couples do not have issues like this. DH and I have never "gone cold" on one another. We are also able to discuss our dogs in a reasonable manner. We got ours together and as first time dog owners we got a professional trainer to help us. A year or two later one of the dogs developed a new bad habit (he got protective over the kitchen bin) that we couldn't fix, so we discussed it and agreed to get the trainer back to assist us and show new techniques. No arguing or blaming.

You have been living with him for a very short time and already things are so bad that you are decamping to your parents. This marriage is doomed, irrespective of the dog problem he sounds utterly vile and I predict an unhappy life ahead if you go ahead with this. Run.

⬆️‼️This x 1000.

You partner should not “go cold” on you, give you the silent treaty, or respond to you by lashing out or collapsing into faux humility (“Im the worst!”). These are all extremely unhealthy responses to perceived conflict in the relationship—in fact seeing the dog care issue as a conflict is itself a problem!

Perhaps OP is too close or has been too sucessfully love bombed to recognize these red flags but Id be damned if I spent another minute with someone as vain and thoughtless as this guy.

I feel so conflicted because there are many good things about him too. I really did want to spend my life with him because usually we have a great time together, this issue aside.

The main problem is that he had the dog for years before he met me and so it feels very much like it’s his dog and I’m telling him what to do with it. I feel that if we’d adopted the dog together from the start, it would feel more balanced and it wouldn’t feel so one sided with me nagging him to change things.

I am still going to take some distance at the weekend. Today he said he is going to set some times that the dog goes out and stick to them. Who knows if he will actually do it but I think he knows I am fed up.

he had the dog for years before he met me

And never bothered to housetrain it. That’s such a basic thing. It’s neglect and laziness. If you hadn’t come onto the scene would it be housetrained now?

If a man wants to be with you he will go out of his way to please you. He will earn money, spend money, even (gasp) groom himself and wear clean clothes. Why is your safety and comfort around the dog any different ? So what if he had the dog first? The dog doesn’t work in his new relationship. If he lived in a flat that was too small, or with a medical condition that could be remediated if only he took the trouble to do it would you accept the problem just because it predated you?

If he puts his relationship with a pet or another person over you that tells you where you rank in the pecking order.

by the way his relationship with the dog is abusive and incompetent and inconsiderate so that needs to be factored in.

He sounds terribly defensive, like you can't say anything to him without him exploding or turning it around to blame you. It's immature and scary behaviour.

You are saying there are many good things about him but I’m struggling to see any from your posts. He’s neglectful to his animals, he’s defensive and moody, goes cold on you if you try and have a conversation with him. Yes he’s made a couple of big gestures but day to day life isn’t like that. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around him and his behaviour. Keeping quiet just in case it sets him off, being given the silent treatment because you’ve dared to contradict him. Doesn’t sound much of a life to me.

I think the main problem is his conflict resolution skills (or lack of) and ego.

You bring up a potential issue in a neutral and constructive way, with the hope of talking it out and agreeing on a solution. He is not at your level of emotional maturity and can't engage like that. His inner voice is screaming SHE'S ATTACKING ME!, his adrenaline goes through the roof and he'll cycle through his whole armoury of conflict techniques to 'beat' you. Insults, gaslighting, blame game, playing the victim, deflecting, by the end of it your head is spinning and you're no closer to resolving the actual issue.

There are loads of people like this, it's almost always rooted in insecurity and past rejection. There's nothing you can do to 'fix' them and have an equal, respectful relationship with them. They either mature out of it with age and/or self reflection, or they don't, and become those people on here whose families eventually go NC with them.

You may feel like you've had a small win here because he's agreed to do some stuff with the dog. But look what you had to go through to get to this point. How much emotional energy wasted on what should have been a quick conversation. That's going to be everyday life for you. Every little thing to do with the house, kids, money... you're going to have to put yourself through that whole conflict cycle. You'll probably just give up out of sheer exhaustion and be miserable while letting him have his way. Either way, you'll hate him.

I lived this life, and will never recover, if sharing any of it saves you or anyone else from going through it, it'll be worth it.

Let us know how you get on.

Agreed . You sound a bit scared of your fiancé and he sounds arrogant. Not sure you should merry this person if his attitude to you and the dog situation is anything to go by

This is SUCH a good post, it should be compulsory reading for everybody.

I'd add that what happens over time is that the reasonable partner gets trained over time to avoid all conflict, because it's such a bug hurtful mountain to climb. So expect to get less and less of your way, and even though you're a reasonable, strong assertive person now expect those skills and qualities to be eroded over time.

This is only a temporary situation which is why I want to fix it.

This is a situation that is indicative of who he is. You may well ‘fix’ the current problem but the cause, is unchanged. If you think his behaviour won’t be replicated in other areas of your life with him, then you are mistaken. By ‘fixing’ it you are essentially enabling him in not taking responsibility for his behaviour.

The thing about ‘it’s just this one thing and everything else would be perfect’ way of thinking, is it gives you the notion that you are in control of a situation you aren’t in control of. I’ve been there and by hyper focussing on a problem you fail to acknowledge the broader picture, the patterns of behaviour that will be repeated.

Sadly I think everyone who has posted on here knows how this will end up.

You're going to marry him, no matter what and come back on here in a few years time complaining about your gaslighting, abusive Disney Dad.

He's shown you who he is.

You're not listening and you're not going to be able to change him.

Poor dog and poor future kids.

This is actually quite sad. You've only just moved in together, and you never really know a partner until you live together. He's shown that he's a twat, and you make excuses.

I suspect there's a financial imbalance at play which makes you want to hold in to the relationship no matter what, and is why he has no respect for you (puts the dog above you, won't help with future childrearing).