DP’s dog causing issues. Need advice.

[ella89]

I have temporarily moved in with my fiancé before we move nearer my family after the wedding. At the moment he lives in a first floor flat with his dog and cat. He is out of the house working every weekday from 7am to 6pm while I work from home.

He has a 7 year old male dog (pinscher cross) and his behaviour is causing issues.

He wasn’t toilet trained when I got together with DP and we have now trained him. The issue is that the dog misbehaves a lot when DP is out. They are very bonded and the dog jumps up at me, barks, scratches me, tries to nip, chews the sofa, jumps on top of the cat and this is usually because he wants to be let on to the balcony. He also tries to eat my food and bothers me at lunchtime. DP encourages him to be crazy when he comes home and often plays boisterous games. The cat is often stressed by this so I don’t like it.

I think routine is important so I take the dog for short walks twice a day when DP is at work but he still behaves in this way. I had a big argument with DP today because I tried to discuss the problem and he just said things like:

’He never behaves like this when I’m there’

‘My mum never has this problem with him when she pops in to take him outside.’

‘You need to be more harsh with him when he misbehaves’

‘If you can’t cope with the dog, how will you cope in the future with a baby?’

‘This is going to be a problem for us living together because he doesn’t respect you’

I feel like he’s blaming me when really he should have trained him from when he was a puppy. I said this to him and he said ‘well next time you can train the dog’.

I grew up with dogs and none of them ever acted like this so it’s not that I dislike dogs. I like all animals. But I feel upset because it’s like I am irritating DP when I try to sort it out. He literally said ‘well what do you want me to do about it when I’m at work?’ He accused me of wanting rid of him when I really don’t.

Does anyone have advice about how to improve the situation?

Yep. You are not compatible. Better to find out now

It is a pipedream, OP. Get out while you can

@ella89
It is really difficult not to respond to them with voice or eyes. We had the most lovely laid back dog who was a breeze to train. We then got a second who was another kettle of fish entirely. It took much longer and much more effort and he is still a bit of a fly one but he is smart and he needs the stimulation. I discovered I had been rewarding all the behaviours by the way I responded to him - good or bad he had my attention. So after a few months of completely ignoring any unwanted behaviour the penny dropped. We mostly have it sussed now.
Good luck - hope your partner can get on board and it's not left to you alone.

Don't marry him!!! Is this the first time you're living together?

I think all couples have issues like this so I don’t see it as a red flag and it’s always easily mended.

no they really don't

Why on earth does he have pets if he's out of the house for so long every day? That's so selfish if you have a dog! They're social, they're not meant to be left for hours and hours on end, no wonder his behaviour is so bad!

I agree that they don't .

"Blamey & childish"?

Nope, nope, nope!

Very unattractive character traits/flaws.

‘If you can’t cope with the dog, how will you cope in the future with a baby?’

I would tell him that if he EVER says anything like this to you ever again that you'll have to reconsider your relationship with him. Make sure he understands how serious you are.

I agree with this and I am not a dog fan!

OP you have to listen. This is a red flag. Dogs are not like babies. And you can't have a dog for 7 years and not train it.

This. Keeping an untrained dog in a flat when you're out nearly 12 hours a day is downright cruel

"He dotes on the dog in other ways. He takes him out on weekends and he also comes on holidays away with us in the summer".

I would not describing the above as at all doting on the dog. Sounds like he is doing the barest of bare minimums for this animal. And why are you defending him so; is it because you really cannot face that you have chosen this man for you so badly?. You ignore and or continue to minimise what he is doing here at your peril.

Move out and take the cat with you

You cannot fix your man's inherent character flaws:it is arrogant to think you can. Why do you at all think this situation is at all fixable anyway?. This is who he is and he has and will not change for you or anyone else.

It’s complicated because we honestly get on well most of the time and don’t have arguments or disagreements. That’s why I get so upset when it happens

Is it only when you have an issue that your argue? Do you not argue because you go along with all his wishes?

Yet another OP with no self respect

No, most couples don't have problems like that. Stop making excuses for him.

If you left who would look after the dog? Why does he have such a large breed in a flat?

He sounds like an idiot

OP, please accept that your partner is a very poor dog owner. Having a 7 year old dog which is untrained, and that he leaves home alone all day demonstrates this. Dogs need care, boundaries, routine, exercise and basic training, at the very least, none of which this poor dog has received.
You and your partner sound incompatible and you need to look at the way he treats you and speaks to you, instead of continuing to minimise his bad behaviour.
Meanwhile, whilst you are deciding if you want to continue in the relationship, and are still at home all day with the dog, have a look at Victoria Stilwell on you tube, she is a dog trainer who has many videos to help dog owners learn basic training.

Sadly this is very true.

I can't see this ending happily if you marry him @ella89. He's not acting like someone who cares for you at all.

Ella

re your comments in quote marks
"It’s complicated because we honestly get on well most of the time and don’t have arguments or disagreements. That’s why I get so upset when it happens".

You are likely afraid of both him and his reaction if you disagree; that is likely the root as to why you do not argue or disagree with him. You probably also think its not worth the hassle of arguing your point either because he uses DARVO on you or otherwise stonewalls you into silence.

"It varies. Sometimes he’s apologetic and caring, other time he can be quite blamey and say childish things like ‘OK so it’s my fault’ then go cold on me".

Red flags re him a plenty there. You ignore those at great cost to yourself.

" I think all couples have issues like this so I don’t see it as a red flag and it’s always easily mended".

No they do not re all couples have issues like this. Your boundaries in relationships are sub level here probably because of other poor relationships and poor life experiences to date. No-one has seemingly ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and you still do not know.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your mum and dad show you a similar example of a relationship to the one you have now?

This situation presented re the dog and cat is not even one percent mended and its only ever "mended" when you cave and or otherwise give in.

"I do need to think hard about the future and perhaps have a difficult conversation with DP because some of the things he said today were unacceptable to me".

There is no perhaps about it. And yes you do need to think hard about your future with this man, because there really is not one.

I am listening to your comments. I know that he sounds like a bad person from what’s happened today. But we have been together for years and I’ve been happy most of the time.

I have some hard conversations to have tonight when DP gets home. We have spent a lot of money on this wedding and have made a lot of plans. He is someone I thought would do anything for me. He has flown across Europe to see me for 2 days when I was working abroad because he had a gap in his schedule. He saved for years to take me to my dream holiday destination, he bought me a beautiful ring. He gets on well with my family. He is usually so lovely to me and that’s why I am so upset to see such an ugly side of him. There is no excuse for making that comment about a baby. He knows I want children a lot and I am mid thirties so we were going to start trying after the wedding. I wanted to be a family and include his dog and his cat. I also have a cat but she lives with my parents. I feel like he’s messed everything up by saying this 😔

Have you lived together before? I feel like you can't really know someone properly until you do, and have had to work through some tricky stuff together. Everyone is capable of grand romantic gestures but it's the daily acts of empathy, respect, working as a team which gets you through a marriage with children.

That dog, quite clearly, is not getting enough exercise. Around 90% of dog behavioural issues would be solved by enough exercise. Two short walks a day? And I bet they’re to the same place, the same route every day. No stimulation. Poor dog.

We have spent a lot of money on this wedding and have made a lot of plans.

Said nobody that is happily married as a reason for doing it. Sorry OP, but sunk costs isn't a reason to plough on. He has been completely unreasonable in his actions, and a flight to Europe to see you once doesn't negate an ongoing issue. He has shown that he sees you as responsible for his failings, and that is a problem that's not going to go away. The dog situation is just a snapshot of how things will be if you do start a family, don't sweep this under the rug, see it as an opportunity.

The problem here is the type of dog. I have worked with dogs and actually own a doberman. If you give him an inch he will take a mile. It's in their nature. They are persistent and intense dogs.
Your partner can't train this out of his dog because you need to be the one to do it if the problem behaviour only occurs for you. You will need to get a trainer and work with them in order to not be bullied by this dog.

My dog is a bully and his awful to friends who come over. Not immediately, he tests first. They are extremely intelligent and know to do things when the owner /authority they respect isn't looking. You will need to work with a trainer to earn this dogs respect.

The being hyper even after being walked is typical as well. Mine can do 20km and off lead running and still have energy to play fetch. I've seen him run up and down the yard til he split his paw pad (and carry on more there after until physicall stopped) after a walk just because he was burning off excess energy. You will likely never truly physically tire that type of dog out. Puzzle toys help but mine gets bored with them and would much rather be doing something physical almost constantly.