DP’s dog causing issues. Need advice.

[ella89]

I have temporarily moved in with my fiancé before we move nearer my family after the wedding. At the moment he lives in a first floor flat with his dog and cat. He is out of the house working every weekday from 7am to 6pm while I work from home.

He has a 7 year old male dog (pinscher cross) and his behaviour is causing issues.

He wasn’t toilet trained when I got together with DP and we have now trained him. The issue is that the dog misbehaves a lot when DP is out. They are very bonded and the dog jumps up at me, barks, scratches me, tries to nip, chews the sofa, jumps on top of the cat and this is usually because he wants to be let on to the balcony. He also tries to eat my food and bothers me at lunchtime. DP encourages him to be crazy when he comes home and often plays boisterous games. The cat is often stressed by this so I don’t like it.

I think routine is important so I take the dog for short walks twice a day when DP is at work but he still behaves in this way. I had a big argument with DP today because I tried to discuss the problem and he just said things like:

’He never behaves like this when I’m there’

‘My mum never has this problem with him when she pops in to take him outside.’

‘You need to be more harsh with him when he misbehaves’

‘If you can’t cope with the dog, how will you cope in the future with a baby?’

‘This is going to be a problem for us living together because he doesn’t respect you’

I feel like he’s blaming me when really he should have trained him from when he was a puppy. I said this to him and he said ‘well next time you can train the dog’.

I grew up with dogs and none of them ever acted like this so it’s not that I dislike dogs. I like all animals. But I feel upset because it’s like I am irritating DP when I try to sort it out. He literally said ‘well what do you want me to do about it when I’m at work?’ He accused me of wanting rid of him when I really don’t.

Does anyone have advice about how to improve the situation?

Op at best your partner will be a disney dad and not take responsibility for less fun duties if future child. There is no excuse for not training a dog seeing as he was and is too time poor. Then he is trying to gas light you to blame you for his inadequacies. Third ots another womens fault ( his mother) I hope you see the serious red flags, if you don't now you will see them later. Not a keeper

OP as a regular trail runner and hillwalker, I'd LOVE to have a doggy companion to take on my outings. In many ways an active dog would have the life of Reilly with me.
There's just one problem...there is no one here during the day. We all go to work or school. The poor dog would be alone all day...and god knows, most dogs hate that.
So it's not a goer.

I mean yeah I could get one and have it shit and piss all over the house and be bored and miserable...just to suit myself. But I won't.

Btw there is NO excuse for not house training it - that's just sheer laziness.

This.

Honestly YANBU and you have a valid point and he can’t / won’t have a sensible conversation… it is going to be like this about EVERYTHING Until you divorce or One of you dies…

and the fact he couldn’t be bothered to train the dog until you rocked up speaks volumes about him

I mean the dog is seven! Seven!!

He has NO intention of doing a single thing about that dog except bat the blame back to you. And so it will be in all areas of life.

It does not sound like he knows what he is doing with a dog as you say he winds it up and plays roughly with it . That alone would have me running for the hills .

He found the dog dumped outside in a box as a puppy and decided to re home him. The dog is usually fine with him, like I said, they have a strong bond. The dog has separation anxiety when DP isn’t here. His intentions are good but he’s not very forward thinking. He has form for taking in abandoned animals because he feels sorry for them.

I thought things would improve from now on. The plan was to move to a house with a garden so the dog can go outside regularly for toileting. My family will be closer so I can take him on walks, visit my parents as they are dog lovers. This is only a temporary situation which is why I want to fix it.

A dog is for life, not just weekends and annual leave. He should never have been leaving it for the number of hours he's was with just his mum popping in.

He's treating the dog badly and he's treating you badly by not being open to making changes and trying to make you think it's your issue rather than something he's caused. My husband wouldn't be my husband if he'd tried to tell me that not managing an unruly dog is an indicator for how poorly I'd manage a baby.

Your DP does not love the dog. He likes the companionship of the dog, when he is at home.

Someone who is out of the house 11 hours a day (7am - 6PM) does not love their dog. Someone who lives in a flat with a dog and is out all day does not love their dog (if they're home all day, or someone is around 90% of the time, fine. But otherwise that's crap). How long was the dog left before you moved in? 9-10 hours a day with a one hour walk, if that?

He's a crap owner. I rarely say this, but the dog would be better off in a centre and being given to a family that will actually be there for it.

You don't want to move into a house with this guy. He's shown you who he is; someone who gives zero f* about anyone who isn't him. He's a crap owner and a crap partner (belittling you over your valid concerns) and if you buy a house with him and have a child with him then you need your head read.

I'd run and not look back.

Your solution then is to take over the care and training of the dog , and what you say goes . No more rough play and winding the dog up . Your partner has no clue .

Couldn’t agree more. This is your future.

OP, what’s your partners attitude been to any other disagreements during your relationship ?

I wonder if how he’s responded to you regarding the dog (ie, gaslighting, blaming you, been unpleasant, putting in no effort or care for you and expecting you to do all the work) is a pattern of behaviour?

I agree with all others that it’s his attitude and how he has acted when you’ve raised issues, it’s a huge red flag.
I wonder even if the issues with the dog are “fixed” would he have the same sort of unpleasant attitude to any other disagreements or problems you have?

I’ll say it and haven’t rtft but I’m so sorry, you don’t just have a dog problem- you have a dp problem- how very dare he say some of those things to you!!!! Op move closer to your family but I hate to say ltb but … (ltb) x

I'd be telling him that you will no longer be looking after his dog and also that a dog and a baby are two different things and you won't be letting a dog who nips when jumping up anywhere near you and your baby

OP is not listening. She will just continue to explain this man’s poor behaviour away as ’he just can’t help himself poor lamb’

When I was a teen I used to get up at about half past 6 in the morning whatever the weather/time of year so that I took the dog out for an hour before I started school.

I thought that this was what people with dogs did-a decent walk first thing in the morning.

Your fiance sounds like a shit dog owner tbh.

OP the physical size of a dog has little relevance to the amount of excersise/stimulation they need so I would move away from this thought first of all.

I would recommend some stimulation and enrichment toys to start - so lick mats, snuffle mats etc - buy a few and alternate them with various treats to keep them interesting. This should keep dog occupied, interested in something other than you.

1. Any attention is attention - thats ultimately what the dog wants - so do not make eye contact or talk when the dog is displaying behaviour you don't want. Just continue to push away, and ignore. This takes time.
2. Reward reward reward the good behaviour.
3. Routine is king. But be sure to make it realistic so you can stick to it.

You absolutely need your partner to be on board. One training an animal One way and one doing another = no training. Dogs learn by repetition.

Best solution is to rehome him.
And keep the ddog.

I am listening very carefully, don’t worry. I would never say he is a poor lamb 🙄 I agree he’s a bad owner and should be doing more for the poor dog.

I can see others have already commented on things more broadly so I will literally just focus on the dog training and behaviour here.

The way through this is training. It will be harder to train a 7 year old dog than a puppy but it’s not possible.

You need to teach the dog the behaviour you expect from him through training. In some ways your partner is right in that this is something that only you can do, the dog doesn’t behave this way with your partner or when he is at home and that is likely because the dog see’s him as “the boss”. You need to teach the dog that you are also “the boss” ☺️

For what it’s worth though, dogs do tent to behave slightly differently depending on the person and the relationship they have with that person, just like we do as people! We have a Labrador who is just lovely and when he is with me he is so soft, gentle and careful, especially since I’ve been pregnant because he knows I don’t like being jumped all over or ragged around, he has his cuddles and calm with me! But with my husband he plays a bit crazy because my husband plays with him that way, the same as your partner does they rile each other up and play together, I literally watch them play and am baffled because our dog would never ever even try to play with me like that🤣

You have to use training to show them what you want, what you expect etc x

@AnotherDayAnotherDoller Thank you, this is very helpful. I will look in to some of these enrichment toys. I have put some in place for the cat so I will do the same for the dog. And you make a good point about attention. I make the mistake of interacting with him when his behaviour isn’t good.

I never normally say this but this is a definite LTB. Not because of the dog, that’s not the main issue, but the way he speaks to you.

Move on and raise your bar.

@Hotgoose It’s complicated because we honestly get on well most of the time and don’t have arguments or disagreements. That’s why I get so upset when it happens.

It varies. Sometimes he’s apologetic and caring, other time he can be quite blamey and say childish things like ‘OK so it’s my fault’ then go cold on me. I think all couples have issues like this so I don’t see it as a red flag and it’s always easily mended.

I do need to think hard about the future and perhaps have a difficult conversation with DP because some of the things he said today were unacceptable to me.

Is it a miniature pinscher? They still need a minimum of an hour a day of exercise. They're quite entertaining dogs. But he's unaware and unable to care for the dog responsibly—a completely inappropriate environment for a dog and a baby.
I wouldn't have a baby with him.

You seem to be ignoring all similar comments and only interested in the dog issue, but the dog issue isn't what jumped out at me from your first post.

The way he turned on you and painted you as a bad mother before you even are one made my blood run cold. I know this type. He can't tackle an issue in a mature and objective way and he will never take accountability for anything. You're in for a world of hurt if you plough on with this relationship. I'm sorry.

I know this type

Yes. Not a good type to breed with.