DP’s dog causing issues. Need advice.

[ella89]

I have temporarily moved in with my fiancé before we move nearer my family after the wedding. At the moment he lives in a first floor flat with his dog and cat. He is out of the house working every weekday from 7am to 6pm while I work from home.

He has a 7 year old male dog (pinscher cross) and his behaviour is causing issues.

He wasn’t toilet trained when I got together with DP and we have now trained him. The issue is that the dog misbehaves a lot when DP is out. They are very bonded and the dog jumps up at me, barks, scratches me, tries to nip, chews the sofa, jumps on top of the cat and this is usually because he wants to be let on to the balcony. He also tries to eat my food and bothers me at lunchtime. DP encourages him to be crazy when he comes home and often plays boisterous games. The cat is often stressed by this so I don’t like it.

I think routine is important so I take the dog for short walks twice a day when DP is at work but he still behaves in this way. I had a big argument with DP today because I tried to discuss the problem and he just said things like:

’He never behaves like this when I’m there’

‘My mum never has this problem with him when she pops in to take him outside.’

‘You need to be more harsh with him when he misbehaves’

‘If you can’t cope with the dog, how will you cope in the future with a baby?’

‘This is going to be a problem for us living together because he doesn’t respect you’

I feel like he’s blaming me when really he should have trained him from when he was a puppy. I said this to him and he said ‘well next time you can train the dog’.

I grew up with dogs and none of them ever acted like this so it’s not that I dislike dogs. I like all animals. But I feel upset because it’s like I am irritating DP when I try to sort it out. He literally said ‘well what do you want me to do about it when I’m at work?’ He accused me of wanting rid of him when I really don’t.

Does anyone have advice about how to improve the situation?

Excellent post from Saggypants. Also, now he thinks he's got you locked down with marriage on the horizon, he is allowing his uglier side to rear its head.

He’s not very thoughtful, he prides himself on being sentimental and saving things (savior complex) but when asked to do something small by his wife to be he turns it around and DARVO’s the fuck out of her.

Take off your rose colored glasses. He inly pleases himself. His relationships with animals snd people are shallow and need to gratify him.

Majority of posters are getting Doberman Pinschers mixed up with Mini Pinschers. Very different.

Is this the first time you've lived together?

^^ I think this is spot on op I’m afraid.

I’m usually all for compromise but I am not exaggerating when I say in your shoes I would quietly packing a bag right now and I’d be absent from the flat when he got home.

I’d leave a note saying something like,

”I have tried to engage with you several times over our first serious relationship issue [name of dog] and in return you failed to listen, or try and understand my point of view, you failed to take responsibility for your own part in the problem, and then proceeded to blame me for not solving it.

I am seriously concerned that this predicts how you will engage with every future relationship problem we may have, so I am moving out to have some time and space away in which to think. Aside from everything else, I don’t want to bring children in to a home with an untrained dog that nips and scratches.

In case you are wondering, our marriage plans are now on hold.”

And then go grey rock. No contact. Don’t answer calls or texts from him on your phone for at least a week. Do nothing. If he really wants you he will sort the dog and put it in daycare or take it to training. But let him really experience your physical absence first.

This.

OP read and re-read this as often as it takes for it to sink in. This bloke is going to be a nightmare.

The fact he is happy to leave the dog like this does not bode well for his ability to be responsible and kind.

Shiny gifts and holidays do not mean he’s an amazing partner. Respectful and caring behaviour every day and taking responsibility for his actions and commitments, and compromising when it’s necessary, those are the things that make a good partner. The way you have described his reaction to hearing that things are not working for you is very telling and concerning - he’s not listening and thinking about alternatives or solutions, he’s saying that you have to put up with it or that it’s your fault/problem, even if he’s caused it.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think you need to take the rose tinted glasses off (perhaps the timing of wanting to be settled and starting a family is clouding your perspective) and see this man through a sharper focused lens.

I can’t believe that the dog wasn’t housetrained for 7 years, wtf does the flat smell like? If that’s so then I assume zero training has taken place, seeing as this is a basic for dog ownership. Him saying that’ the dog doesn’t respect you…’ speaks volumes because he doesn’t respect you either!
I would be very wary of continuing this relationship OP.

it's all superficial compared to the absolute stinger of "how will you cope with a baby"

Cut your losses. Because it will only get worse

Why the fuck does he have a dog when he's out 11 straight waking hours of the day;how bloody selfish and irresponsible is that.

it's all superficial compared to the absolute stinger of "how will you cope with a baby"

How will YOU cope with a baby, to boot. If that doesn't make his attitude clear, then nothing will. He's no intention of coping himself, that's OP's job.

He’s now saying he actually said ‘how will WE cope with a baby’ as if that is somehow better.

Either way I think your answer should be “you tell me”

Op you may perhaps think that a dog is perhaps a lesser issue than a baby but actually it’s a great test of how you will both work together to nurture something in your home, whether it’s a dog, a garden or a child. Each of those require team work, commitment, and compromise.

You are lucky that you had this red flag as a warning sign BEFORE marriage!

"Well seeing as you can't cope with a dog, mate, it's not looking good, is it?"

Do not marry this man @ella89. He has shown you that he is a terrible dog owner. If you have a baby he will be a lazy parent who blames you for everything.

You would be better off having a child on your own than with this horrible man. Don’t be fooled by him being nice some of the time or buying you gifts. He should ALWAYS be respectful and kind towards you at all times.

Well it might be cheaper to go through with the wedding, have the party and then divorce immediately.

Grand romantic gestures scream controlling to me.

Definitely don't rush into having kids with him even if you do get married.

It's better in that he doesn't think a baby would be down to you to look after, although he probably does think that secretly. A lot of men do!

Anyway, as I said, don't rush into having a baby with him. Wait at least two years after the wedding so you can get a proper feel for what living with him is like.

What your DP is doing is being a fun uncle, not a parent .

Am sure he loves the dog but he has done the fun stuff like rough play, and not the responsible stuff like house training or managing separation anxiety.

And apparently it's your fault he didn't do the boring stuff.

He needs to grow up fast as with a baby you need a co-parent, not a fun uncle.

The dog is t the problem, the bloke is the problem.

I wouldn't marry someone like him at al!

The dog is a red herring, it's your partner's attitude to you that is the problem.

"If you can’t cope with the dog, how will you cope in the future with a baby?"

Call the wedding off. He sounds like a twat!

Aah. Trying to convince you he didn't say what you objected to him saying. It's straight from the playbook.

For God's sake please look beyond the holidays, the 2 day visit and the engagement ring. Those things won't keep you happy in a marriage, and they will naturally wane anyway.

Please also look beyond the sunk cost fallacy of the wedding.

Keep your head screwed on.

He didn't say we.

Even if he did (and he didn't), look at his actions. "We" won't be able to cope with a baby, because "I'm" relying on YOU to do all the hard stuff.

He's training you.

When you says things get easily mended op can you elaborate? Would this be you apologising to him /letting his behaviour go.? Or you getting the silent treatment until you stop mentioning negative things?