DP’s dog causing issues. Need advice.

[ella89]

I have temporarily moved in with my fiancé before we move nearer my family after the wedding. At the moment he lives in a first floor flat with his dog and cat. He is out of the house working every weekday from 7am to 6pm while I work from home.

He has a 7 year old male dog (pinscher cross) and his behaviour is causing issues.

He wasn’t toilet trained when I got together with DP and we have now trained him. The issue is that the dog misbehaves a lot when DP is out. They are very bonded and the dog jumps up at me, barks, scratches me, tries to nip, chews the sofa, jumps on top of the cat and this is usually because he wants to be let on to the balcony. He also tries to eat my food and bothers me at lunchtime. DP encourages him to be crazy when he comes home and often plays boisterous games. The cat is often stressed by this so I don’t like it.

I think routine is important so I take the dog for short walks twice a day when DP is at work but he still behaves in this way. I had a big argument with DP today because I tried to discuss the problem and he just said things like:

’He never behaves like this when I’m there’

‘My mum never has this problem with him when she pops in to take him outside.’

‘You need to be more harsh with him when he misbehaves’

‘If you can’t cope with the dog, how will you cope in the future with a baby?’

‘This is going to be a problem for us living together because he doesn’t respect you’

I feel like he’s blaming me when really he should have trained him from when he was a puppy. I said this to him and he said ‘well next time you can train the dog’.

I grew up with dogs and none of them ever acted like this so it’s not that I dislike dogs. I like all animals. But I feel upset because it’s like I am irritating DP when I try to sort it out. He literally said ‘well what do you want me to do about it when I’m at work?’ He accused me of wanting rid of him when I really don’t.

Does anyone have advice about how to improve the situation?

Does he not even walk the dog before leaving for work? That's worse than I thought. Jesus.

I walk my dog at 5:15am every single day, because I have to factor in the dog's needs with my own routine. Any later and there wouldn't be time, so that's when he gets a walk.

I'm also at home working most of the day and walk him again on my lunch break, and again in the evening, because that's what he needs.

….. So it’s not as cruel as it sounds because this is a recent thing…
Just listen to yourself OP, that’s an inexcusable thing to say.
When I worked full time with an hours commute each way, the dog was walked at 6am for an hour, I paid a neighbour walked her late morning, DH would come home for another walk mid afternoon and I would take her out again at 6pm. That’s what you do if you have a dog, not shut it in a flat for 11 hours a day ffs.
He sounds more and more like a lazy asshole, he’s irresponsible and taking the piss.

DP now says he isn’t happy with a dog walker because he says it’s not secure to give a stranger a key to your home. But he’s happy to hire a trainer.We had an argument before I left because he was making comments that were unfair.

I told him the dog needs to go out to pee first thing and I suggested taking him about at 6 when he gets up. He said ‘it’s ok for you to say that from your comfy bed’.I said ‘I didn’t choose to have a dog.’He said ‘well neither did I.’I am perplexed that he thinks that just because he found this dog abandoned that he had to keep him. He rehomed all of the siblings that were with him so it doesn’t make sense. I am not starting to think he is trolling me by saying stupid things like this.

I agree with you - he's trolling you, in that he's completely taking the fucking piss.

I would have absolutely hit the roof over that comment. If he wants to be a dog owner, he fucking well needs to meet the dog's needs, doesn't he. Same as if he wants to be in a relationship, same as if he wants children - you don't get to procreate and then say "nah I can't be arsed changing nappies/feeding my kids/taking my toddler to the toilet." I'm VERY worried for you that if you two have children he will do some version of that - probably starting with not doing his share of night waking or childcare when he is home from work because "it's you who wanted kids". I would put money on it, because that's more or less what he is doing now with a helpless animal who he took responsibility for.

Unlike with children, if his circumstances have changed or he is no longer willing to meet the dog's needs either himself or through outsourcing to a dog walker etc, he can opt to rehome or euthanize the dog.

What it is completely and utterly not acceptable for him to do is to say "tag you're it, you're responsible for the dog now including the problems i created" unless he has had a conversation with you about that and you fully consent to that. And I really, really fucking wouldn't, if I were you.

I'm afraid it is tough shit if he didn't know what he was getting into with a dog, particular this particular breed/type of dog which has high needs. The same is true if you find yourself with a child who is a poor sleeper, ill thrifty or has SEN or disability. But again, unlike with a child he can recognise that he is either unable or unwilling to meet the dog's needs and seek to rehome or worst case scenario euthanize the dog. But he CANNOT sit back and say "oh you should totally work with a dog trainer to fix the fact that my dog is biting you and not letting you work. " Absolutely NOT, and especially not while he isn't prepared to meet the dog's basic fucking needs of toileting, training and exercise himself.

As a dog lover yourself, how can you respect a man who won't take his dog out for a fucking wee in the morning??!!

Also to add, when I did regularly use a dog walker I asked for proof of their DBS check and insurance, they were happy to provide it.

It isn't cheap to use a proper professional walker, but it's part of owning a dog.

The whole situation “went to shit” when you moved in with him and noticed it. Not when he changed jobs. You see that timeline, right? The dog’s experience is not a problem for him. The problem, from his point of view, is that you have pointed out he needs to do more/pay more/care more snd he refuses to do any of these for the dog or, it scarcely needs to be said, for you or future children

There are four reasons people give for not acting to solve a problem : jeopardy, futility, perversity, expense. Jeopardy (puts something else at risk), Futility (won’t help), Perversity (will have unintended horrible consequences) Expense (money or time is the measure).

A person who always resorts to one of these formulaic arguments does not care to change their behavior. So they aren’t a good match for someone who thinks the behavior needs to change.

You need to assert your authority as a pack leader. He has no respect for you at present. Have clear expectations of how he is to behave and stick to them. The more you let him get away with, the more he will try to push you beyond your boundaries. Ultimately, if this behaviour continues then he needs to go.

And as for the dog....

So pleased that you have found out his true character before you married him or had kids. He's a lazy manchild who will exploit your good nature to end up doing all the dull stuff in his life he can't be bothered to do.

Surely he walks the dog first thing in the morning, then again immediately when he gets in from work ?

My daughter had a lovely dog that she was besotted with. Howver when her baby started getting mobile, the dog seemed to get stressed/upset around her (I think there were a couple of incidents when the todller kicked a ball at her) so she was hiding away looking miserable all the time. My daughter was very worried about the dog being so unhappy and advertised her on a rehoming site. There were lots of replies (she is a beautiful dog). My daughter looked into all the possible adopters and finally settled on a very nice middle aged couple, without children, where the man works from home. They've since had lots of nice videos showing the dog having a wonderful time.

In my view, you shouldn't have a dog unless you can walk it twice a day yourself. Can you say to your fiance the dog doesn't seem happy, so if he loves him would it be a good idea to rehome him with someone who has more time?
I agree with other posters who've said this might indicate what your bloke would be like as a parent...