Well that can only mean one thing, can't it

[furbys]

Married, two kids, still on maternity leave with the second. I thought we were good.

On Sunday I saw a WhatsApp message on my husbands phone, number saved as a boys name, picture very much a woman, no previous texts just one message from my husband saying "Furbys will be in with the baby asleep by 9.30. Don't text before then. I promise I'll phone tonight xxx"

Total fluke that I saw it, the baby had grabbed his phone when he was on his play mat and it was open on that message. I somehow instantly knew exactly what I'd just read and clicked off when I heard my husband coming back into the room. He snatched it off the mat so quickly. I didn't have a chance to check his phone again for days as he hasn't had it out his sight but he did today and I checked and the message isn't there now.

Well thats fucking that then isn't it? I've said nothing, to be honest I'm trying to not even think about it, but I know what I've found

Well done on remaining calm and keeping hold of your dignity OP, you sound amazing.

Him? He’s a nasty bastard isn’t he? It’s all part of the script though, once he realises you’re serious and he’s about to lose everything he’ll be sobbing at your feet and telling you how sorry he is, it didn’t mean anything..

He has shown you who he really is and you my dear will be far happier in the long run without him, I promise.

He's a nasty little shit isn't he?

Do you have some friends/family you can tell so you have RL support too OP?

I hope you have told his db the facts. When I threw exh out his db rang me. I filled him in on why I was filing for divorce.. He had no idea.

Good for you lovely. He's a rat. Get legal advice ASAP, they hate when you take back control. You, ll come out tops. He, ll be shitting himself big time, ha.

Proud of you

Nasty piece of work.

Do not forget what Level of scumbag you’re dealing with in the months to come, do not let him take the slightest advantage.

What a snake. So sorry op

I'm sorry @furbys. But if he's going to be such an awful dickhead better he pisses off straight away than tries to lie to your face. Well done for handling it so calmly on your side. I hope you can come to an amicable agreement in the end.

I'm so sorry OP.

I'm so sorry. What an absolute arsehole. Your response was far more measured than mine would have been but keeping that in mind will stand you in good stead for what comes next.

So he has confirmed an affair I assume. Make sure his brother and parents know why he's been thrown out, because he will try to pin the blame for your marriage breakdown on you.

What a shitbag!

Sorry you’re dealing with this OP 💐

How did you approach him with what you knew? Did you just outright tell him you’d seen the message? What was his initial response?

He’s unlikely to get the things he’s ranting about. He’s been caught out and has gone straight on the defensive. Probably to avoid further explanation of his behaviour.

Stay strong and get the legal advice you need.

So sorry OP. I have to say your composure is astonishing, and will pay off in the end. It must actually be strangely gratifying for the cheater when the cheated partner goes feral and hysterical, but with you it’s just been Rise Above. You have played it well to circumvent the “ it was a text I was sending on behalf of a friend from my phone “ type excuses. That’s a lot of needless emotional energy you’ve saved. I’m very sorry, but you are handling it incredibly smoothly. X

So sorry @furbys. At least the plaster’s been well and truly ripped off and you don’t have to suffer weeks of denial and gaslighting and self doubt.

You sound like you’ve got your shit together - what’s ahead of you will be hard but you’ll get through it. Sending you a big hug 💐

That's awful, OP, I'm so sorry. Good thing he's left, at least.

Exactly.

Good for you for remaining calm and dignified, OP.

Use his absence to gather paperwork and put it somewhere secure; with a friend if necessary. Take photos on your phone, too, of important documents.

Hang in there.

Curious he didn’t go to stay with OW.

I'm so sorry OP.

My exH did this when my boys were 5 & 3. They're now in their 20's.

We're both now with new partners and happy. But he's told me a couple of times over the years he regrets what he did.

Makes me so sad what he threw away.

@furbys

Well, he may not have said the words, but he's pretty much admitted the truth through his actions.

So now, you need to see a solicitor. Search out all the financial papers you can find for totals of assets, pension, mortgage, etc etc and make a list of income and expenses to take with you. You need to educate yourself as to what this divorce may mean to you.

I know you're devastated. But now is not the time to give into it. You need to take a deep breath, clear your mind, and move forward to protect yourself. You can be sure he'll be doing the same!

I am sorry this happened @furbys It’s a complete shock when the person you loved turns out to be a complete stranger with a secret life and with no sense of accountability for their actions. He must have a very mean soul to make empty threats of taking your children and home from you. I would feel I could never trust anyone who spoke like that again.

Make sure you start confiding in your family and a select group of your friends. You don’t need to keep his secrets. Take up all offers to help out with the baby, dinner cooking etc. Also open up to his family as well because potentially they could be a good resource for calming him down and making him face the reality.

If you have a mortgage, phone up the bank and make all major decisions two to sign, if not already. Perhaps see a solicitor to see what other immediate safeguards you can do while you are busy with such a young baby.

I’m really sorry, OP. How are you doing?

My ex threatened me with full custody when I discovered his affair - it was years ago when that would have been possible. He said he'd take it to court. I knew my son would never go with him - I also knew my daughter would feel so guilty that she would go with him even though she wouldn't want to. (We've discussed that since and she has agreed.)

That stopped me divorcing him for years. His affair continued (unbeknownst to me). When I did end it I told him not to even think of getting custody - he would only be doing it out of spite. I ended up having to remind him to see the children.

Hey OP. Just adding the same messages about self care and not to rush anything.

If you can get away for a night to be in a hotel just to get some peace and quiet that would be a great first step.

What absolute scum op. I'm so, so sorry.

Sorry to hear this