Well that can only mean one thing, can't it

[furbys]

Married, two kids, still on maternity leave with the second. I thought we were good.

On Sunday I saw a WhatsApp message on my husbands phone, number saved as a boys name, picture very much a woman, no previous texts just one message from my husband saying "Furbys will be in with the baby asleep by 9.30. Don't text before then. I promise I'll phone tonight xxx"

Total fluke that I saw it, the baby had grabbed his phone when he was on his play mat and it was open on that message. I somehow instantly knew exactly what I'd just read and clicked off when I heard my husband coming back into the room. He snatched it off the mat so quickly. I didn't have a chance to check his phone again for days as he hasn't had it out his sight but he did today and I checked and the message isn't there now.

Well thats fucking that then isn't it? I've said nothing, to be honest I'm trying to not even think about it, but I know what I've found

Eurgh. Men. I’m sorry OP.

My son gave me a book for Christmas all about "Spy Craft" and there are all sorts of ways to protect a phone if you are in the least bit tech savvy.

You can have dual sim and I think you can even partition some phone operating systems so that unless you have admin privileges or know the password and or security settings you'll be able to surf that phone for hours and find nothing.

There are also anti-tamper products and ways to hide/set location. But the easiest way is to have a burner phone locked away somewhere securely and change the sim card and password regularly, which is why some terrorists are hard to find.

Yes he will not notice until it’s too late. That would be my guess.

then he will and he will know that you know.

if you’re up with the baby (sympathies lack of sleep is the worst) can you get his phone and check it when he’s asleep?

Hes a prick. I would pack his stuff. Leave it by the door with a note. Put your key in the lock and don’t let him in.

prick.

I would pack his stuff. Leave it by the door with a note. Put your key in the lock and don’t let him in.

You cannot evict somebody from their own home. That is illegal.

Not suggesting she evicts him! Just puts him out for a while…and if he is so motivated to call the police on his betrayed wife, go ahead.

But surely as soon as you change the number to your own, the Whatsapp pic and name will come up as yours, not 'Bob'? Not sure this is as clever as you think it is. Maybe test it on your own phone before messing with someone else's.

What I did (yeah, another one of us for the club) was download and fwd all messages to myself. I rehearsed the process for this on my own phone so I could do it quickly while he was in the shower. God I was shaking. No idea how people do spying and double dealing for a living, or even have an affair. It was a horrible experience. But I needed the 'evidence' to keep me strong in the coming months and remind me that he was duplicitous and actively messaging another woman intimate questions whilst he was supposed to be working to save our marriage.

It's the lies and the sneaking that hurt and destroy the marriage more than anything. It broke me more than the initial separation.

Be strong, OP. There is a life after separation. Mine is, arguably, better, especially as I move further away from the hurt and continue to heal. This bit is hard, it really is, but there is an 'after' to look forwards to. Do whatever you need to survive this bit while you get there x

It's a fantasy @Catsfrontbum - something you only see on the telly.

I'm so sorry, OP. That is properly shitty behaviour.

I can never get my head around 'the other woman' in situations like this, either. Waiting around (on NYE, to boot!) for scraps of attention from a man who has already committed himself to, and has small children with, another woman?

She must have zero pride or self-esteem.

It doesn't look good but could it be his Mother or Sister?

Sending hugs sweetheart -I have been there and it's sickening .You feel as though your whole world has shifted .
Look after yourself and don't make any immediate decisions .
I just told my Ex what I saw on the text and watched his face ,which confirmed what I already suspected before he opened his mouth .
Only you can work out the best way forward for your little family .
You will get through this and will find strength you never knew you had .

Why would he save under an alias?

Planning a surprise and doesn't want OP to find out...??

I think of the possible scenarios that is the least likely in this case, but just coming up with a potential answer to your question.

I was trying to think whether it could have been something like that - birthday gift plan or similar. But the “don’t text” caution seemed real overkill in that case ?

Do you not think OP would have recognised the picture if it was his mum or sister? 🙄

Why are you posting this on someone else's thread? Start your own thread.

I don't mean this in a harsh way and as much as I can understand the sheer shock at finding and reading messages from someone that you love and thought loved you too written to another person in reality the only time to call them out is there and then.

These type of people are so devious that once they get a sniff of being caught out they'll, as in this case, delete all the info that will prove them to be up to no good and make you look and feel like you're absolutely mad, and because all the evidence has gone you'll be playing right into their hands, for some they'll even be made to question themselves as to whether they did actually see any messages of cheating behaviour and be made to doubt themselves.

OP whatever you decide to do back away a bit, you really don't need the work of being made to feel worthless on top of having two small children to look after.
You must put yourself and the DC front and foremost.

If you haven’t had it out with him yet, then you need to get all your ducks in a row , be clever about it and catch him for sure. That might be tracking him with an apple airtag and following him, or linking his phone to see at least then when you know for sure you can make decisions

Because it's Mumsnet.

I'm waiting for someone to tell the OP to make a cup of tea and put three sugars in it "for the shock".

If you are calm and can remain calm then I would seek legal advice asap. Please be aware infidelity can cause PTSD so seek help if you are struggling.

Understand financially what divorce would mean and get your income sorted (increase hours etc) if the solicitor/mortgage broker thinks that is your best option.

Make sure you don’t have sex as std risk. Maybe say you have a gp visit and then you await a gynae referral due to a complication.

Most people are not calm enough to do the above but when he starts lying and gaslighting, begging and pleading, stamping his feet and screaming, wailing on the floor you will not know what has hit you.

Take time to understand where YOU stand financially as that is your priority at the minute. He may have taken advice already, regardless he is not your friend. So keep your plans secret.

If you know it’s over (and I think divorce or reconciliation are both valid choices). Then serve him divorce papers - done deal. Let him be on the back foot. Then you won’t have weeks of wailing ‘I didn’t do it’ as he knows you are serious while you try and get yourself in order. It will also bring him down to earth with a bump. And if you do split it won’t harm your self esteem issues in any way.

If reconciliation is your objective i would post on Surviving infidelity and ask for advice. They will have seen this many times before and will give you advice. The 180 is worth googling. Do not do the pick me dance.

Those saying just ask him. This man may be putting her and (maybe the baby if breastfed) at risk of an std. Asking him may mean he takes it underground. If he is a liar (and sadly many people are liars who prioritise their ‘unmet needs’ over their spouses mental health and sexual health) why would you tip him off?

Also ignore unmet needs theory. Anyone can be tempted by another however it’s your integrity, honesty and commitment that makes you say no. Unmet needs is basically saying his ability to remain faithful is based on his wife’s actions rather than his own beliefs and moral code/integrity. I can’t imagine a healthy individual chooses to break their own boundaries or integrity due to another’s actions. It’s nonsense. It’s an excuse. He has a but in his fidelity.

I remain faithful but not if wife goes to bed early as she has had a baby. Or I’m faithful but not if lady blows smoke up my butt and I’m not getting attention because of baby.

And until a cheater understands why they have a ‘but’ in their fidelity and allow themselves to lie, sneak and cheat they will never be safe as a partner.

Is that what you did when a surprise message to a secret lover popped up on your partner's phone in the half minute you were next to it?

No, didn't think so. Do try to engage your brain before posting so you don't sound like a sanctimonious that.

Crikey, how many posters are going to trot out the ducks in a row cliché?

Totally agree, cringe... for some people those "ducks" are so far all over the place it could take years to get them in a row.

I’m so sorry this has happened.

Whats worse is that whoever it is obviously knows about you.

The message doesn’t look good but confronting him now isn’t going to help.

IF he admits it, he’ll admit the bare minimum and may even have deleted the message so lie about everything.

I would take some time and do a bit of digging.
I would never usually recommend going through someone’s phone but in this case I think it’s more than justified.

You’ll be acting off so maybe suggest that you think you may be coming down with something, so he doesn’t get suspicious.

THIS!