How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

i agree with madamez but i also think that he is sending utterley mixed messages to MHIS andshe needsto take control of the situation

jodyray - I am u lol YOu have concisely said how i feel and how dp is acting with me.

they must have been separated at birth lol or gone to the same school of 'leave em in limbo!!'

joking apart tho what u think u are going to do? I'm in limbo cos I don't want to ask him to leave cos if he does i would be devastated but at the same time i'm not sure if i will be happy being with someone who can' love me the same way i love him.

its such a mess and i'm sooo annoyed and hurt.

i think you should get out of this relationship while you still have some dignity intact...he clearly doesn't value you or the family you have created.

For now probably give him space in the hope he will come back soon, letting him come and go to suit him, if he doesnt i will be crushed. the night he left i have never cried so much. Its no easier when they have gone. People say absence will make him fonder blah blah but i always think he will forget about me and start bein a single lad again....who knows what i will do if this carries on. Maybe in a few weeks i will have to be strong for the kids and say enough is enough.

Jodyray I feel exactly the same.

However he has come home tonight and said he does want to make things work. Said he was up in the night and had a cry cos he is cofused etc...

Don't know what to think atm

11 years ago dh did this to me. Ds was 3 months old and dh decided that he didn't love me and we had made a terrible mistake. I was devastated. He was miserable and talked about divorcing me to 'see if it would make him feel better.'

In hindsight I am now convinced that dh had post natal depression. Men do get it, you know. He behaved completely out of character and looking back he now says that ds's birth was far more traumatic and overwhelming to him than he admitted at the time. Especially the feelings of being trapped. He says that until ds's birth he had always felt that there was a way out if things got bad between us but ds meant for ever.

He stayed and our marriage got better. It took us several months/years to get back on an even keel and I am still angry with him 11 years later for letting me down so badly just when I needed support. Not surprisingly he doesn't remember the episode in the same way. He can't believe he said some of the hurtful things that are etched in my memory. He remembers the peroid of 2 weeks that he left home as '4 or 5 days'

But we got through it without counselling or medication. Dh is still here and we are now a happy family of 4. I have forgiven him as I really believe that he had PND. My only advice to you is to look after yourself and your LO. Let him work through whatever shit he has to work through and don't let him get away with the hurtful comments. If he works his way through it and decides he wants to stay then it is up to YOU to decide if he is worth having around.

You are making each other miserable

He is making you feel like shit by saying you should have died in c/birth & you are being a bit unreasonable by expecting him to take a day off for your wed anniversary.... I wouldn't take a day off for mine, nor would dh!

I think it's a very unhealthy place you both are & it would be better for both you & your dd if you part company now.

I couldn't live with a man who said he wasn't sure if he loved me..it would break my heart

While I think he is being unkind in saying so many hurtful things to you, and he sounds a bit gutless - as though he wants to split up but is just too passive and drippy to take action, I am rather getting the impression that you have done and keep doing everything and anything you can think of to make this man 'love' you, and he is under pressure from both you and his family to love you, which is enough to steamroller most people into both trying to comply with what is wanted and bitterly resenting it, hence the depression and the unkindness. Yes he should have the guts to end things with dignity and consideration, but not everyone is strong enough to do the decent thing under this kind of pressure. I think you are going to have to accept that you can't force him to love you and the harder you try the more unhappy you make both him and yourself.
Counselling will probably help to make the split as amicable as possible, because he is your dd's father and it will be good for both of them for him to remain a part of her life. In time you and him might even be able to be good friends as co-parents, but I really think you need to let him go.

MHIS I know exactly what you are thinking when you read all of these posts cos it will be the same as me. All the posts are giving fab advice and probably the right advice if we are bothe honest but the only 1 you will want to believe in is littlegreyrabbits post in the hope that the same will happen to you...is that right?

jodyray - yes

MHIS How you feeling today? Any improvement? DP or exDP when it suits has just told me he is going on a 4 day stag do in Sept which is £300 plus spends ie prob another £100 a day which has really pissed me off cos he said we cannot afford a week away this yr as a family....aaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhh fuckin twat i am sure he is doing all this to wind me up further and get back to his single lifestyle or am i just turning into a neurotic nag??

Sorry to hear you've had a bad day Jodray
Mine wasn't much better. Felt down all day. Met up with a RL friend who knows about the situation and she listened while I talked. She didn't tell me what she thought I should do as she said it is my decision but I can tell she thinks I should ask him to leave.

I was all set to do that as I thought I'd made my mind up - at least as a trial seperation but he was out with work last night and didn't get in til me and LO were in bed - we had a chat in general but i wasn't up for a full on discussion about everything. He seemed okay with me and now I've lost my nerve and want to try and make things work - as this is what we are supposed to be doing at the moment.

I'm just so confused and fed up with everything. Will try and have a talk about it with him tonight.

ok good luck!!! whatever you do make sure its your decision. let me know how it goes. BTW where u from? (((hugs)))

Thanks! I'm in Manchester. Where are u?

Preston

I chickened out of chatting again last night. I was just trying to be all bright and breezy - I was majking myself cringe so god knows whathe thought I sounded like.

He was v tired so thought that there was no point in starting a discussion when he was tried as it wouldn't be productive.

This morning he looked down and upset, I felt the same so bit the bullet and asked him if he was feeling upset about 'us' he said he was about everything. We had a cuddle and both agreed that we need to do something. I said that he needs to want to make things work he said that he does, if we can.

I suggested that maybe he moves out for a month. He concerned about the finacial aspect of this (cos I'm on Mat leave) but I have put to him that it is better to 'waste' £600 for a month's rent to give us space and help us work through things rather than keep on as we are and end up getting divorced as this will be far more expensive. He agrees but doesn't want to leave and I don't want him to either but think that we may need some time apart to sort through this. I have also suggested that we go to counselling and he has agreed thathe will do this to try and make things work.

We both agree that we can't stop thinking about the situation and need some help to resolve it one way or another...but hopefully so that we stay together.

I feel a little better now we have spoken - albeit breifly as he was on his way out to work - and have tried to ring a local counselling service (but no answer!) to arrange counselling or at least make an enquiry.

Just feel so despondant at the moment and although he is being more receptive to how I feel and seeming to want to make things work I'm not sure of the reasons why he wants to make it work and I'm too scared to ask as I think mainly it is for the sake of our daughter and for finiacial reasons rather than wanting to be with me... But maybe if we can work through this and do stay together in time we can get back what we used to have....what do you think? Am I being silly?

bump

I don't think you are being silly.

He should put more effort into your relationship. You know this. I think you do love him and you do want to believe things will get better. I think he is depressed. No excuse for the things he has said but he is in a strange mindset.

You want to believe that what happened with littlegreyrabbits marriage will happen for you if you are just patient enough and work through this with him. You may well be right, who knows. He is making noises about going to counselling and making an effort. Only time will tell whether he is committed to making things work.

Being afraid of being a single mother is understandable but not a good reason for staying in a bad relationship. On the other hand, I think you would have regrets if you don't give him the benefit of the doubt at this stage. If you gave up now, you would feel that you hadn't tried everything. It is too soon after the trauma with your baby to make big decisions. So I agree with you. It is worthwhile being patient a bit longer.

I think the fact that you are not clinging to him anymore; that you are saying he can go if wants, or that he should move out for a while - these things are, in some ways, taking the pressure off him, and empowering you. He doesn't feel trapped or so guilty any more for wanting to run away. In turn, it is allowing him to think more clearly about the situation and what he would be losing. He does sound a bit weak, thinking that the grass is greener, etc., but, by taking the pressure off him, he will hopefully realise that it isn't.

If it is what you want, I hope your marriage will survive this. There seems to be a long history of him being indecisive, and not supporting you, but it is worth giving him the benefit of the doubt a bit longer (if only for your peace of mind). You may (like littlegreyrabbit) look back in the future and still feel angry and resentful that he was not there for you at a time that you really needed his support, but, you may also feel it was right to see things through, to keep your marriage and your family together. Only you know your limits.

In the meantime, I would continue to make it clear to him that it is his choice whether he stays or goes. Also, that you will not tolerate him dumping his negative, insulting, rejecting thoughts on you. It is ok for him to say that he is not sure that he wants to stay in the relationship. It is NOT ok for him to say that he wishes you had died or the other hurtful things he said.

Counselling is an imperative. You might hear something in the counselling sessions which will inform you about whether there is a future to this or not. I really also think that he needs to see a doctor and possibly get antidepressants. He sounds really down and negative. His indecisiveness could be connected to his depression. He may have been depressed all his adult life and not recognise it because it is normal for him. The birth of your baby, and the traumatic circumstances, may have just pushed things over the edge.

Hi MHIS I agree with everything that is said by skyatnight. Thank goodness you have got things off your chest, even that must be a relief. Now you just have to move forward slowly taking each day as it comes. I agree with the counselling, I have tried to get DP to do this but he wont, nor will he admit that once again he is depressed, he just pretends that everything is fine and nothing has happened expecting me to accept that he stays here 2 or 3 times a week and goes to the other house the rest of the time. Neither you nor I are going to give up lightly on our relationships and I hope in time we both get what is best for us long term even if its not what we are both hoping for right now...if that makes sense!!

Honestly?

It sounds to me like his is playing silly buggers (the crap about the girl at work [and JUST what kind of girl would be attracted to a married man with a new baby? and consequently what kind of man would be attracted to HER?]).

You need to take control of your OWN life and stop waiting for him to make the decision.

You can either decide to:

a) Stay (accepting his "partial" love or whatever and knowing that he might decide to leave anyway); or

b) Go (accepting that what he is offering is simply not good enough and you need to be loved properly).

He may depressed, he may really be trapped, maybe you SHOULD believe him when he says he doesn't love you enough.

Really THINK about your little girl's situation, would you prefer for her to grow up thinking that you stay married and miserable?

Sooo we had 'the chat' on Fri and I asked him to leave and spend some time away for a month or so in an attempt to make our marrige work. He agreed because he wants to make it work and we talked some more about the situation (same old really) and somehow he started to say that he didn't want to go he wanted to stay here with me and and make it work and now (for now) he is not going to move out.....ARGGHHHH how did that happen?

We talked again on Saturday for a couple of hours. Both felt confused and I asked him to spell out exactly why he doesn't want to be with me and why he feels he doesn't love or fancy me enough. His reply was basically;

1. I don't have sexy eyes (!)
2. I don't have a sexy smile (!)
3. I'm too short (!)

These are excuses he has come up with before when we have been on the verge of splitting.

He said that he has in the past when things haven't been great between us (not that often) he has been able to think that well this is 'just for now' and - not his words but what he basically said was I'd do for now. Now we are married and have a baby this somewhat changes things and he feels trapped.

We ended up making love - his suggestion and I so want him to love me and be close to me (and wanted to - God knows why after what had been said) so said yes.

Again we decided to make things work. However on Saturday night and all day yesterday we have fluctuated between one of us being disant with the other and the other trying to make it better/work....

We did talk about counselling and he has agreed to give this ago but I'm not sure that his heart is in it and I am scared that he will only tell the counsellor the negative aspects. Not really sure how counselling works but we have been for one session before and she was very black and white and said we had no future because my DH has to think about making a decision which I found very negative and TBH quite opinionated and not objective at all. At the moment in his present stae of mind if someone said this to DH he would gladly let someone make the decision for him and split up.

everything is such a mess and I really don't kno what to do for the best. i don't want to push him into moving out for a break in case thisn is the wrong thing but neither do I want him to do nothing in case this is also the wrong thing arrghhhh.

I personally think you need to push him into having the trial seperation. He is not having to face any difficult choices at the moment. As another poster says, it sounds like he just wants to have his cake and eat it.

As for the reasons he doesn't love you . None of those things are going to change are they?

I fear that you are heading down the path of letting him call the shots. If you are not careful, he will end up staying with you for an easy life and having affairs with women who fit the bill for him phisically.

Don't do this to yourself.

Have just read this thread and am so so sorry for you at what should be a joyful time for you. IMO he is being a complete basta**!

This is a time when you both should be concentrating on the beautiful baby you have together but instead he wants all the attention on himself.

You sound lovely and deserve better. there are some really wonderful men out there who unlike him will think that you have the sexiest eyes and smile and love you for you!
Good luck.