How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

Message withdrawn

I would go to CAB and talk to someone face to face to work out what you are entitled to - the £50 sounds like a load of rubbish to me.

You were strong enough to turn around after all his threats to leave and say "Well go then." - you called his bluff and he folded.

I think you need to do everything lovemygirls has suggested. Have the figures to hand (don't believe anything he researches on your behalf)

Stay strong and ask him to move out for a set period of time to decide what you both want (one month rent sounds like a great idea, but if there aren't any he needs to sort something else - don't let him get out of it)

Good luck! You're doing amazingly.

This is why you need to go to CAB and a solcitor so you can find out these things then it will be less for you to have to worry about.

Be kind to yourself. Where he goes is not your problem, if my dp had said he wished i'd died to save him having to have some bollocks he would be very sore in the groin area - yet here you are running round trying to find somewhere for him to go? He is an adult responsible for his own actions.

You have a baby to think about and that is hard work you do not need his pathetic selfish behaviour on top of this right now so get him out of the way so you can concentrate on you and dd for a few days at least x

i just feel such a failure

This is very sad and it sounds as if he is too weak to make the decision and wants you to do it. I agree though that he will make it all out to be your fault - he will want to be the victim.

I would also try and tell someone - family should be supportive in these situations - but if they are not at least you will know. Do try and find some support for yourself though - there are lots of people who would be supportive and understand without becoming too intrusive.

IME men just want things sorted and really have not thought about the long term implications.

I also believe he will have to pay a fair share of your home wilst you have a lo.

This isnt your fault at all!

You are not a failure - he is the one failing you at the moment by not being there for you.

It takes two to make a successful relationship and he is just not doing his fair share - he is letting you do it all and then 'blaming' you when you cant do it all.

Jesus he is playing with your emotions.

My initial reaction is how dare he speak to you like this with a LO just home and still v fragile. You have been through an immensely difficult birth. She needs you both and he needs to have a more positive attitude towards raising her even at this first stage, no, especially at this stage.

Reading on from your first post he seems very immature. I fear you knew his personality well before you decided to have children. Someone else said he was like picking the petals off a flower - i love her i love her not. Well it sounds like he is like this about his whole life (I want one child/two children/ a vasectomy) and he has dragged you down in the process. I suspect his family know you are the best think to happen to him which is why they were insistant he stay with you. Which is NOT fair.

Have you any family close you could stay with? I think you owe it to yourself and you LO to make a decision. That must be so fecking hard after just giving birth but he can't say he doesn't love you then have sex with you at 5am - he is playing with your emotions so much.

sorry to be harsh but you need to get a grip.thisman is playing with youremotions and giving you massive self esteem issues.I know its easier said than done but whywould you want to be with a man who is emotionally abusing you?

go to the CAB, find out what your rights are, sit down with him and give him an ultimatum.

you have justhad his child-you should be the most amazing woman in the world in his eyes.

I've been out with my mum and sister - not mentioned anything to them as I am so embarrassed and abou tthe whole situation. Also don't want to have people putting pressure on DH. Want him to make his onw mind up....

I've been on the verge of tears all day and have forgotten to eat which isn't like me which I know is bad cos I am BFing and i need to keep my strength up.

I just feel all consumed by this and don't know what to do. My gut reaction is to ask him to stay for now and at least have this first year of our daughter's life together...hoping that he will change his mind. But I know I am being
silly in one respect because I am only prolonging the inevitable. So i supose the best thing is to let him go and have a trial speration at least. BUT I anm so scared that he won't come back and I don't think I can cope. I just keep crying and thinking about all the horrible things like not having the same surname as my own child, if I have another child it will be with someone else and my daughter won't have a true sibling only a half one with a different surname to them.

I feel like my head will explode and don't know what to do.

I know you all think I'm being silly but he really isn't as horrible as you all think. He is upset about what he is doing and he feels bad and as though he has messed up all our lives.

Just wish that there was something I could do to make it all better.

Does anyone think that there is any milage in trying to make this marriage work ?

You can only make this marriage work, if you both want to do that. From what you've said your DH either doesn't want to, or doesn't know if he wants to. Either way, that is something that he has to decide - you cannot make that decision for him.

You need to give him the space to make that decision. Take a break from the relationship - give him a taste of what living without you is like. If he prefers it, then you're better off without him. He may realise what he's likely to lose, and if so will come back in the right frame of mind to invest what's required to make your marriage work.

You're clearly not happy at the moment, but you deserve better - either he's in or he's out - he needs to decide.

Just read this thread and am how he said you should've died in childbirth! How dare he! Why would you want to be with a person who wishes you had died in the operating theatre? Preferrably with your LO so he can start into his new life without 'baggage'? I cannot find words to describe my anger.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I think you need to come to terms with the fact that this man (if indeed he deserves the human tag) is messing with your heart and mind. Honestly, hand on heart, have you made all the decisions for your mutual future yourself only? As in: Did you strongarm him down the aisle, did you forge his signature on buying the house? I don't think so. This guy sounds like a baby who has not learned the lesson that every action has an effect. He sounds deeply depressed, also the mood swings and indecisiveness about life show an emotional disorder IMO.

TBH, I think your relationship has run its course for now. I would separate with an ultimatum and agree that he seeks immediate and intense counselling. If you see he's making progress and most importantly, if he feels he is coming to grips with life's demands, then you can revisit the relationship status again. For now, as sad as it sounds, I think the dice has fallen and for the sake of your dc you need to get yourself into a secure environment away from him.

I'd keep him updated on baby by pictures or small videos or monitored visits but would not hand the LO over alone for fear something might snap in his brain and he does something to her.

Wishing you all the best!

If we have a trial seperation what do I do re access to LO as I am exclusively BF her can't be away from me - sometimes feeds every hr. If my dh comes to visit her we wont be having time apart.... should i restrict his access to her too? ie say have aeek away from us?

In a word. No. I think it's over. I think it should be over.

Do your family even know he was lukewarm about you for all these years? I fear you have been keeping up appearances and making excuses for him. Maybe you thought marriage and a baby would make him love you. It can't.

Do you know he is meant to be crazy about you - in awe of you for producing a baby and coping so incredibly well. You are dedicated and sensitive to your baby's needs. He is telling you it would have been easier for him if you had died. Just hold that thought for one second.

He told you that to your face an then started howling so you could feel sorry for him.

I thunk you need to talk to someone in RL and take some actions.

i really can't deal with this. What am i going to do?

You don not hand your baby over imo. She is too tiny to be away from you. Don't worry about that for now - maybe he could come over and be with her for a few hours? This is not the most important thing - what's important is that she stays with you.

but then he would see me and not have chance to miss me and decide proper if he really does want out....

MHIS, I just posted before you did. I suggest you keep a diary on baby for him to see development but as he feels you should have died and are nothing to him and sort of the dirt on his heels, somehow still clinging on, I think it's time for him to face the music and take his unhealthy attitude somewhere else. You should be loved and appreciated, complimented and being fawned over, not put down and abused.

Throw him out and agree to a separation with counselling for him.

MHIS, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds in many ways like what my friend went through just over a year ago - some of the things your DH has said ring bells, and I know hers really did despise himself for what he did (leave her with a 2yo and a 2 month old). I was furious with him at the time, though HOW could he do this, he's acting so immaturely, does he think love is just hearts and flowers forever?

I still don't understand what happened between them - and of course I only see it from the outside. But after a year, what I do see is that she has coped fantastically (though she still finds things hard sometimes), he is still a devoted father despite it all, and the two little girls are happy and health and know their parents both love them. Littlest has never known different, and I don't think the elder one remembers much before the split.

I hope there's a crumb of comfort in this for you ... it's just you sound SO much like my mate when it was all kicking off, and she HAS survived.

Hi just read your post and wondered how things were. Believe it or not i am going thru exactly the same thing except DP has left and is coming back and forth every other day. I have a thread called my DP says he does not know if he loves me... the similarities are uncanny!!! I know what you are going thru and am here if you need to talk.

MHIS you can get through this andyou have to for your little girl, you need to be a good role model for her too-whats the point of spending the first year of your daughters life together if your together and unhappy.

he needs to go and stay away from you, have access at weekends for a couple of hours and you need to have a long hard think about whether or not you want to be with a man who isnt sure he loves you. As I an others have said, he should be in awe of you atthis time.I am sure you a fab woman and seserve more. I'm sorry if i sound harsh. You are worth more.

jodyray - sorry to hear you are going thru the same it's just awful isn't it?

alsowhy allow him to have the power and wait to see'if he misses me or not'

and so what if he does? will it be all hearts and flowers for the rest of your days??

this is a power and control issue. Youtake the power for a change

I do think some counselling would be the best thing for both of you, as individuals if not together. ANd I think Skidoodle was quite probably right in that this man is depressed because no one is actually listening to him: everyone just tells him to stay in the relationship. It makes him a bit spineless but at the same time it's hard not to feel a bit sorry for him (for some reason I am put in mind of PinkChampagne's threads about the family who will not accept that she left her husband because of his abuse).
I appreciate that you have had a difficult time with your LO being premature, but you do come across as quite needy or at least very focussed on somehow forcing him to love you. You can't force him to do so, and if he is pressured into staying with you and never having any intimate thoughts about anyone else, he may stay but both of you will be utterly miserable. COunselling might at least help you to have a civilised breakup/

yeah it is, everyone has told me to move on and things will be ok but i just cant accept that not yet anyway, and as a poster told me the other day whilst he is dithering on my doorstep i never will. DP had also found out how much csa i would be entitled to prior to our split, our DS was prem which was a strain but i got accused of trapping him even though he wanted a baby, every time he has to commit he runs a mile. He has been here all wkend sayin we can work it out but today has blanked me completely and gone back to his other house. I feel like a wkend B&B at the moment and i am letting him do it. I know i need to wise up and be strong but i am so scared that if i do anything extreme i will blow it for good, when deep down i just want him home. Reading your post is making me think he will never change....