How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

Dear MHIS, feeling for you in this crisis and so sorry that things got so hurtful yesterday. I am very impressed with the way you seem to be coping, just hang on in there.

He sounds very depressed. You have all been through a stressful time and it sounds as if he has found it even harder to cope than you have. I know things he said were very hurtful but this is a man who is very low who is talking. Can you get him to see a Dr?

Can I just say Beaniesteve, that I think you're being a bit harsh.

Yes, she did say that she doesn't want to share her child in an weekend-parent-style way, but I think you have to take into context that she has had this kind of behaviour from him for years.

She probably only meant to shock him (in the heat of the moment) into realising what he could loose. And she was probably just trying to get some control back as wannabe said.

I think the key to this is the inability to make decisions. I reckon he is one of those people who can't make decisions because they are never sure they have got the blindingly right answer. (I know someone like this who would NOT commit to someone for years, and only when she cleared off realised his loss). Anyway - in the real world there is rarely a big arrow pointing out the RIGHT answer about big decisions in life and he has to get a grip on this. All this "not being sure", as someone said earlier, is self-indulgent and controlling. What he needs is to decide to take it a day at a time and choose to make it work, rather than playing helpless and hoping that someone else will take these decisions for him or that circumstances will dictate what he has to do. He is paralysed by decision making and needs to break free and start doing it for himself. Easier said than done though, and I would definitely say it needs some sort of counselling.

Katisha - that's exactly it, that's exactly what my problem was: "can't make decisions because they are never sure they have got the blindingly right answer".

Fantastic that you got through it fluffyanimal - my friend I mentioned is on his way as well, although it's tiny step by tiny step.

This sounds enormously hard for you, and I am sorry you have this additional strain on top of having a new baby.

Your DH does not sound like a bad person to me, after all he is desperately worried about feeling the way he does. However he sounds very emotionally immature. He seems to think that love is some airy-fairy feeling in his stomach when in fact love is very much an active verb which you choose to exercise.

He needs to understand that love is given in the form of a commitment - one that he has already made by marrying you - all that is left for him to do is to put some practical work into it by standing by his promises and giving your relationship a chance to develop without this horrendous pressure on both of you.

I am extremely happily married, but none of us, including me, know if our marriage will last till death. But you have to act as if it will or it won't stand a chance. You have to have faith in each other and do what you can to build the kind of relationship you want, not stand back and analyse it endlessly in case it isn't perfect. You seem to putting in the committed work but he is holding back all the time. So you are never free enough of all the stress involved to be the person he thinks he wants.

He needs to understand that the world is not perfect, marriages are not perfect, husbands and wives are not perfect, but if we are happy most of the time and both like and love the person we are with and do what we can to build one another then we are on the right path to a satisfying marriage.

Good post Anorak.

It's a good point, some people do think that marriage and love should all be roses and passion all the time, and if it isn't then the love isn't real.

I still think your h sounds depressed. I thought I didn't love my dh when I got really down, was so sure that I did leave him. When I finally came out of it I realised that for all my certainty I did love my dh.

I was so sure. 100% that the love was gone.

Luckily after a lot of work dh and I are happier than ever. But it takes work and commitment by both of us.

Yes, good post Anorak and YKNOTC, that is exactly how I felt too, when I was depressed. I actually went to Relate with my dh, thinking that it will help us split up, when in fact it saved our marriage and I realised it was the depression talking.

I wonder why after 10 years with this man where at every step in your relationship he has been unwilling to move on to the next stage and has expressed doubts about his feelings for you, you STILL don't believe him when he says he doesn't love you?

You (and friends and family) seem to have decided for him that he's better off in this relationship and his own protestations have been drowned out and talked around.

To me he sounds weak, indecisive and trapped. He may be depressed. But most people would be depressed if they had spent 10 years in a relationship they wanted out of but never had the strength to end.

Maybe you could just hear him. Don't assume he's mental, or a commitment-phobe, or immature, or unable to cope. Listen to what he's saying: he doesn't think he loves you enough to be your husband and raise this child with you.

He may change his mind about that. You, and all your friends and family, may well be right that you are the best thing for him. But his feelings need to be acknowledged, even at this late stage.

I agree with the people saying you should leave him. I don't counsel this easily given your situation but I can't see how you can continue with things the way they are. By taking him seriously you are forcing him to make a decision, either you or not you. But not both. That's a decision he should have made a long time ago, but somehow momentum and other people's opinions have allowed him not to.

He sounds like he needs his own therapy
not couples counselling

The problem in within him, he needs to understand why he always runs away from everything!

I would say what presents as a tendancy to overanalyse is really an inability to sort out his thoughts and find out what is really the issue.

So he gives up and blames it on you. Becasue you are there and he can

Thanks for all your comments - not been able to get on for a few days!

DH seems to be making an effort (ie made me tea last night without me asking and couldn'ty seem to do enough for me) but I feel as though I'm walking on egg shells and I'm reading far too much into anything he says - good and bad. For example he was stroking my back last night whilst we watched TV and being touchy feely - not cos he wanted sex either just being nice and this morning he gave me a kiss and said 'love you' before leaving for work. I try not to get my hopes up too much cos on the other hand I rang him at work to tell him how much LO weighs today and he was pretty quiet and didn't say too much but could have been busy, and/or difficult to talk. Arrgghhh feel like I'm going round the bend but feel better than I did last time I posted.

I want to talk about things but realise that he needs time at the moment and going over and over the issue won't solve anything. I've decided to wait til weekend before attempting to discuss anything. I suggest writing things down - I did and found it useful. He didnt say no but wasn't overjoyed at the thought....He hasn't written anything yet.

Not really needing any responses (But any gratefully received) to this just wanted to write things down for myself and to update those of you kind enough to reply originally!

"For example he was stroking my back last night whilst we watched TV and being touchy feely - not cos he wanted sex either just being nice and this morning he gave me a kiss and said 'love you' before leaving for work. I try not to get my hopes up too much cos on the other hand I rang him at work to tell him how much LO weighs today and he was pretty quiet and didn't say too much but could have been busy, and/or difficult to talk. "

These kinds of insecurities and wondering are not things you should be feeling after 10 years and with a a brand new baby. They're pretty normal at the start as you're figuring out whether your relationship is strong enough to last and what you both feel for each other.

It must be terribly confusing to have him act in such a loving manner and then hit you with emotional bombs about how he doesn't love you and never has (or however he puts it).

He sounds completely depressed.
I used to talk like that to my boyfriend when I was about 18. I was depressed, the problem was totally mine, in my head, and I did adore him but I was not ready to commit, and that is what comes across very strongly from what you say he says and does.

He would do well to get some counselling. Really, really good idea.

I don't think he doesn't love you, I just think he is unable to feel love, because of things that went on perhaps in his childhood.

He knows you are good and wonderful but cannot access his feelings and is inappripriately telling you his every worry about this,.

It's like his feelings and what he knows is the truth, are in different rooms. He needs some help, you sound lovely and very patient - my boyfriend eventually had to be the strong one and break us up, because I was just a mess and couldn't be in a relationship.

It's a very sad situation but don't despair - once he ahs someone else to dump all his anxiety on, he will be a changed man to you. You are not his counsellor and he needs an outsider to offload with.

Good luck to you both.

Fwiw he probably really does want to be with you, but feels he is not right/good enough for you - something is blocking his real feelings, he is afraid of perhaps having anger against you, or negative aspects to what he feels, I would be willing to bet he doesn't know what he wants or is feeling at all.

That is someone who is not having a relationship with you, so he needs to find out who he is first and then maybe he can engage with you a bit better.

If you're prepared to hang about he might well stick with it.

I agree with what skidoodle said.

Also, you need to remember, that just becasue he says he doesn't love you enough to stay with you doesn't mean he has no love for you at all or that he hates you. You've spent 10 yrs together, of course he has feelings for you and is touchy feely, it would be more worrying if he didn't.

As hard as it is though, I think you need to respect what he's saying, regardless of the possible reasons for him being this way, it is how he feels.

FWIW though, it sounds like he doesn't really know what love is, and thinks it is some feeling. Love is actually an action. As cheesy as it sounds, I think there is some truth to the phrase "If you love him, let him go, if he's yours he'll come back to you". I think that's what you need to do now.

I was refering to skidoodle's monday post btw!

I'm grateful for all your responses but finding it difficult to fully explain the situation and for you all to understand that DH really did love me on our wedding day and prior to that and whilst I was pregnant. Which is why I think that his current state of mind is to do with our baby being prem and the pressure he has felt from this.

I had a chat with a RL friend yesterday who knows my DH and she agreed with me. She thinks that he is depressed and thinks that although he may leave me to make his final decision I shouldn't ask him to leave.

I'm really trying to make things work but I'm not sure now what to do to make it work.

It's our first anniversary soon and I want him to have the day off work however cos it's mid week he has suggested just taking the Monday off and having a long weekend instead. However I really want to celebrate on the actual day with him (just going for a pub lunch or soemthing) and feel that he might end up spending the day at work rather than with me. However I am aware that in the current situation he may struggle to be with me on our anniversary it's just I don't want things to work out and then look back and have not celebrated our first anniversary or worse not get to our second anniversary and have never celebrated ever

I just feel that if he really wants to make an effort he would take my feelings into account and have the day off - what do you think?

I'm grateful for all your responses but finding it difficult to fully explain the situation and for you all to understand that DH really did love me on our wedding day and prior to that and whilst I was pregnant. Which is why I think that his current state of mind is to do with our baby being prem and the pressure he has felt from this.

I had a chat with a RL friend yesterday who knows my DH and she agreed with me. She thinks that he is depressed and thinks that although he may leave me to make his final decision I shouldn't ask him to leave.

I'm really trying to make things work but I'm not sure now what to do to make it work.

It's our first anniversary soon and I want him to have the day off work however cos it's mid week he has suggested just taking the Monday off and having a long weekend instead. However I really want to celebrate on the actual day with him (just going for a pub lunch or soemthing) and feel that he might end up spending the day at work rather than with me. However I am aware that in the current situation he may struggle to be with me on our anniversary it's just I don't want things to work out and then look back and have not celebrated our first anniversary or worse not get to our second anniversary and have never celebrated ever

I just feel that if he really wants to make an effort he would take my feelings into account and have the day off - what do you think?

I'm grateful for all your responses but finding it difficult to fully explain the situation and for you all to understand that DH really did love me on our wedding day and prior to that and whilst I was pregnant. Which is why I think that his current state of mind is to do with our baby being prem and the pressure he has felt from this.

I had a chat with a RL friend yesterday who knows my DH and she agreed with me. She thinks that he is depressed and thinks that although he may leave me to make his final decision I shouldn't ask him to leave.

I'm really trying to make things work but I'm not sure now what to do to make it work.

It's our first anniversary soon and I want him to have the day off work however cos it's mid week he has suggested just taking the Monday off and having a long weekend instead. However I really want to celebrate on the actual day with him (just going for a pub lunch or soemthing) and feel that he might end up spending the day at work rather than with me. However I am aware that in the current situation he may struggle to be with me on our anniversary it's just I don't want things to work out and then look back and have not celebrated our first anniversary or worse not get to our second anniversary and have never celebrated ever

I just feel that if he really wants to make an effort he would take my feelings into account and have the day off - what do you think?

Opps sorry posted 3 times somehow!

Still feeling really about everything. Had a chat with DH at weekend and he has said that he is still unsure what he wants.

I'm starting to get angry with the whole situation as he is ruining such a special time (new baby) in our lives with his indecision. I know he can't help how he feels but neither can I and I'm bloody annoyed with him.

He has said that he would prefer to work things out with me as this would be loads better than any alternative which gives me hope but during the same conversation he admitted that he didn't fancy me as much anymore. This was horrible to hear and made me really upset.

He said that there are loads of people he sees in everyday life whom he thinks are nice looking and wonders if he would be happier with them. I have tried to explain to him that this is all hypothetical and even if he would be happier with one of these random people they would have to be happy to be with im to make it work etc. Think that this is a really childish take on the situation as of course we all 'look but don't touch' but he seems to be really building this up into something more serious, ie if I wasn't with my wife I could have a chance with her and life would be hunky dory - He is basing this purely on looks!

To make matters worse there is someone at work that I think he likes and I think that the feeling is mutual. He says that she is 'okay and he fancies her but then again he fancies loads of people (see above)' I'm not sure if he is playing his feelings for her down tho.

I'm really confused and think that one possible reason for this situation is that he is thinking that the grass will be greener with this person at work or one of the random people he thinks may be a 'better match' for him. We have only ever slept with each other and been together since we were teenagers so neither of us really have any other relationship to compare ours with and whilst I am happy with that I think my DH sometimes wonders what it would have been like if...which I know is normal but is worrying when he takes it to this degree and it is affecting our relationship. I'm just so scared that he will leave me to take this chance. I couldn't bear it if he 'went' with someone else, particularly someone at work. I couldn't forgive him.

He stil hasn't booked our anniversary off work and I hate and feel that he may spend our first anniversary with 'her' than with me

Can anyone offer any advice?

You've got to get him to Relate asap

We went once before and it really did feel a waste of time. Also don't think he would go.

Might be putting obstacles in the way but excl Breastfeeding LO so can't go without her and don't want anyone in RL to know if we do go.

It all feels such a mess.

Well how he does to proceed from here? What does he actually want to do? How does he see "trying to work things out" as actually happening?