How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

Think he is just hoping that we can work it out ourselves although some days he seems to want to others he just seems unbothered and I feel as if it is just me making the effort.

Cos I am feeling angry I've started to be sarcastic with him about things that are pissing me off and I can feel an argument brewing. However I don't want to have an arguement and it blow everythign out of proportion and it be the end

We went to relate once and both said how we felt and the consellor just said well I don't think that you have got any chance of this relationship working, you might carry on for a bit longer but no chance long term.

Made both myself and DH angry as we thought they would be more impartial and help us work through things (whatever the outcome) but she was very opinionated and matter of fact. We wanted to sort things out so we did, on our own. The only thing is that this time not sure how much DH wants to sort things out because although he says one thing he is often acting the opposite

He needs to work on himself to deal with this chronic indecision and constant thinking that the grass is greener. I wish he would go for some sort of counselling as people have mentioned above. I doubt he can change by himself.

Oh dear, what a sad situation. Reading your last post I feel really on your behalf that he's telling you he doesn't fancy you as much and wondering if he would be happier with random people he sees, like other posters have said he does sound very immature, looking for a perfect fantasy relationship rather than a real one?
I think unless things change drastically with him you will alwasy be wondering when he's going to leave.

If it does come to your separating contact and access are what you both make of them. there no rule saying you have to have the baby in the week and him at weekends. He still could be very involved in the babies life and take her for shorter periods more often or visit her at your house so as to maintain breastfeeding. I've read research saying that small babies would benift from short frequent contact rather than being devided between homes, say dad popping in every other day on the way home from work and spending time with the baby. I appreciate its difficult for the adults to see so much of each other though if they are still arguing/sad for the end of the relationship,probably why this sort of contact pattern isn't the most common one.

Thing is tho if I push him to work on his indecision he just thinks that this means as he has doubts about being with me he will have to leave and that will be him making a decsion. Obviously I don't want to force this kindof decision!

He can't be rushed with anything (annoying as that is) and if I ever try to rush him - with anything - it usually ends up not in my favour.

I sound as though I'm trying to engineer the situation to my benefit Doubting myself at the moment.

Feel so bad. If he doesn't fancy me there must be a reason and something wrong with me so no one else will find me attractive (not that I want anyone else) Is it so bad to just want to be desired and loved?

Feel like running away

I'm sure you are fancieable and attractive. It is a terribly mean thing of him to say such things when youv'e just had a baby.

Is there any mileage in showing him this thread? Or would that make it worse?

Hmm. It's a tough one.

I'm tempted to say that you should ask him to move out while he makes up his mind what he wants, so that you can start getting on with your life. That way he'll come back because he wants to, and you arent held in limbo for as long as it takes him to sort his head out.

However, I appreciate that you mightnt want to throw the towel in just yet. But, whilst this is going you are 'stuck', not knowing what's coming next. It'd be good if you could take control of the situation somewhat.

He does sound depressed. Mind you, he also sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too.

Sorry you are going through this.

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This is such a sad situation

Have you thought about a trial separation? Maybe being apart from you and the baby might make him realise that he does want to be with you both, and that his fantasy hearts-and-roses-and-fluffy-kittens marriage isn't really grounded in reality.

It would be hard but at least you would both know where you stand. Backing off a bit might give you both some space to clear your heads.

I hope you can find some peace.

Agree with everyone else. He sounds selfish and immature. It is not fair of him to dump all his problems on you and for him to be so unsupportive at a time when you need to feel secure. It is very hurtful what he said about it would have been better if you had died and that he fancies other people, not you. Unacceptable.

I do think he is depressed though. Long-term depression which is integral to his personality. He does only want to make 'perfect' decisions. He is thinking in black and white. He should see a GP about it and get help to recognise how he is sabotaging things for himself. I think he has such low self esteem and such an identity problem that he is transferring it onto you and blaming you for everything when in fact you and your child are probably the best things that ever happened to him.

I've been out with someone like this and I'm sorry to say that I have been a bit like this myself in the past until I realised what was happening and changed my ways. Nobody is perfect, no situation is perfect. Yes, there needs to be some initial attraction, some compatibility but love is what you make of it. It is the effort you put in, the caring.

I think it is significant that this is the only relationship that either of you have ever been in. Does he feel like he has missed out on playing the field, gaining experience of different women? He may feel trapped. This is not your fault or responsibility but it is important and it sounds like he is trying to blame you. He is treating you like you are his mother and rebelling against you.

Overall, it sounds to me as if he wants out but he is too scared to take the responsibility for the decision. He is pushing you away and being nasty in the hope that you will get angry and make the decision for him. And then he can blame it on you. I think he is depressed and that he wouldn't be any happier without you - he just thinks he might.

I am a single parent, not through choice. It is scary and difficult to come to terms with but in the end it is better than living with a relationship that doesn't work. I can understand that you want to try to make it work, and it might, eventually, if he comes to his senses, but, for now, I think it would be best to stop clinging, let it go.

I would tell him calmly and kindly that it is not acceptable to say such hurtful things to you and that, if he wants things to continue, this can only happen if he is more positive about the relationship and puts more effort in, drops the negativity. If he feels unable to do this, then he must decide whether he wants to stay or go, but make it clear that it is his decision, his responsibility, his doing. Put the onus on him rather than you trying to persuade him to love you more. (He will probably pull himself together for a bit and then it will start again. Let him know that this won't wash either. He is responsible for his own behaviour.)

I know you want to do your best to make your marriage work. After all, you have been with him for a long time and he is a big part of your identity. I know you are frightened to lose him and be on your own, and it may happen. I know that it feels like a huge failure because I have been through it. You have only been married a short time. I know that you are very concerned for your child and the future. But I honestly think it would be better for you and your child to let this go than tolerating his indecision, hurtful statements and indifference.

If he is meant to be with you, he will sort himself out and come back. If not, hopefully he will at least be a good father and you will find someone else who is more worthy of you and makes you happy.

pelafina - baby is 4 months old and came home about a month ago. Have you been through something similar?

I'm really at the end of my tether with the whole situation and feel that when we talk we are generally getting no-where. Usually because I get upset and/or he clams up or doesn't want to tell me the truth cos it upsets me.

I'm going to write down some questions I want him to answer and ask him to reply to me in writing - in the hope that this willhelp him organise his thoughts and we can maybe start to move on and sort out our relationship one way or another.

there is a difference between being depressed and being cruel and manipulative...my husband has suffered with depression on and off for our entire relationship and it can impact on feelings of attraction/loss of libido BUT that goes for everyone- ie depression doesn't cause you to fancy your partner less and your work colleges more- to feel that is one thing, to tell you soon after having a baby, esp under traumatic circumstances is pretty fucking awful...don't know if I could get past that myself. You can't change him so you need to accept that his feelings for you might not be strong enough to get through this. Whether he loved you on your wedding day is irrelevant- it's what he's doing and saying today that matters...don't defend him. Getting upset and angry in this situation is normal and if he can't handle that he should piss off or get help so he can be the man that you and your child deserve...good luck.

Trouble is, I think he has told you what he wants. It's just not, understandably, what you want to hear.

Skidoodle and SkyatNight, make really good points about what could be going on - worth reading again.

He may well be depressed, and that could be why he is like this, but he may just want out of the relationship, as horrible as that sounds.

You need to put yourself first for a bit, along with your daughter. It must be dreadful to have to walk on eggshells all the time and be at the mercy of someone else's indecision. Think about what you will do with the answers and how they could help you with difficult decisions. I wish you well in these challenging circumstances.

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I feel so sorry for you. This man has analysis paralysis, and he's been making you feel as though you don't quite measure up for the last ten years!

But you do! He is the one who sounds incapable of being happy with his lot.

He thinks all the choices are his. It's his decision to end the relationship. I know your confidence is probably low, after ten yrs of being made feel that you're not quite good enough, but if you were a single mother you would be a lot happier, just to be on your own and not dragged down.

You say you don't want to be a single mother. I'm a single mother and I'm certain I'm a lot happier than you are. My children's Dad is in the other room playing with them right now. But I no longer have to deal with his bad humour, his lack of compromise, sacrafice...

Being a single mother is not worse than what you're dealing with now.

Ps, I don't go around telling people to throw in the towel whenever they have an argument. But this is one of the saddest threads I've read in a long time.

I agree with Pelafina, this guys burdens you with his every hurtful thought. Why? To be honest with you?? Cheers. As Pelafina points out, these women he wonders about, would they seriously consider going out with him!! He sounds on the one hand very depresssed, but he also quite an elevated sense of his self-worth. YOU are not good enough for HIM and he feels he's sold himself short! The absolute cheek of him. You've given him a daughter and he's given you ten years of insecurity and worry.

Since I last posted i felt that we were both trying to make things work however on Ssaturday morning he had to work and rather than cming home after he had finished went to the pub with work and didn't come home til 5pm. I was hurt cos weekends are the only time we can spend as a family. I had also specifically said I wanted him to come home if they all decided to do something after work. We kind of had worsd about it but TBH I couldn't be bothered arguing cos I am soo knackered with having no sleep with LO.

Later we were talking in general about children and he said that (although he has always wanted 2 kids) he now only wants one - atm - and if he was sure he wouldn't change his mind he would have a vasectomy. I asked why and he said that cos the LO has changed things so much.

Yesterday we agreed to make an effort and went shoping then nipped to a pub for a drink. He was really quiet and I asked him what was wrong - cue long discussion about same old (see rest of post)I got angry and said that he should just go then cos I'm fed up of not being loved and deserve better.

We came home and he looked on the CSA website to see how much he would have to pay for LO - it would be £50 a week - I was stunned so I have to put all my wages into LO and he gets away with a measly £50 a week. Before LO I would have been able to keep the family home but now I wouldn't be able to. I'm feeling so sad We had a long discussion and it got quiet heated. He isn't 100% sure that leaving is what he wants but says that he doesn't fancy me and although he loves me not enough blah blah blah.

I asked him to leave but he won't! Says he has no where to go and we can't afford rented for him (which is true mainly cos I am on Mat leave)

We carried on talking and he started saying that he did love me and would try to make it work...but I really don't think his heart is in it We tried to have a nice evening and a bath together but LO screamed the house down. We tried to make love but ditto - managed it at 5am this morning

Part of me is angry with myself for trying as I don't think he wants to but then I think that I don't want to be a single mum and I don't want to be without my husband so surely I should b e fighting.

I'm just so scared that I won't be able to cope emotionally or financially. And I don't see why my standard of living (which is comfrtable) should go down because he decides he has changed his mind about what he wants.

I have suggested counselling but he won't go. I have suggested he might be depressed he won't acknowledge this, despite him telling me that he wishes he was dead. I have asked him if he would do anything stupid and he said that he hasn't got the balls to leave me so how would he have the balls to kill himself.

Arrghh I feel like I'm going mad and round in circles but don't know how to change things - I have given him the optionof leaving and he won't go. What are we going to do if we do split up? Live together til the ouse is sold?

Everything is such a mess. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I have waited so long to have a baby and then she arrived 9 weeks early and now my husband wants to leave me.

Bump

I'd call his bluff (think of this as short term)

I'd ask him to stay with family or friends or even a b&b for a few nights.

I'd get a surveyor in to tell me how much I could sell the house for

I'd go to CAB and find out which benefits i'd be entitled to

I'd see a solicitor about a divorce etc etc

At least that way he has some space you have all your facts and figures.

At the end of the day you can't make him stay, it won't make either of you happy, you can both be good parents together or apart, if you make each other unhappy what is the point of staying together? You do deserve someone who makes you happy and loves you for you.

If he comes back to you after thinking hard about it for a few days then you could try counselling together and see where that takes you.

The last thing I would want in this situation is to make him stay/ live in limbo etc but that's just me.

I would hope a reality check would make him sort himself out asap.

lovemygirls -thats kind of what i'm thinking of doing. Was going to ring up a letting agents and see if there are any one mth lets available.....that way not costing a fortune but far cheaper than getting divorced....

He won't stay with friends or family cos he doesn't want them to know... i agree cos last time they stuck their oar in and this is why we are in this mess now. He didn't get to the bottom of how he was feeling and why....

Im just scared he wont come back

I know but what good is him stringing you along like this? It's unfair that he should be the only one allowed to make any decisions when it affects you so deeply. You have a right to say I'm not putting up with this. At the moment he could keep this going for however long, personally I like to be in control and wouldn't want to hang around waiting to see if he loves you enough, that's really insulting, while he is still with you he doesnt have chance to miss you, to realise what you're good qualities are and why he loves you etc absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

You are stronger than you think, look what you have come through already, you are not a weak woman and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

Somehow things will work out, they always do, worrying won't help but finding out facts and making your own decisions will ime.

So sorry you are having to deal with his selfish behaviour.

i agree with love mygirls-call his bluff-sounds like he is an attention seeking idiot-probablyjealous of the new baby

i'msorry but you really need to take control of this situation - oh and if you split up he will be paying for the roof over your head, an allowance for you and for LO,so he canstick his 50 quid up his arse. prat.sorry but this has made me very

YOu have my sympathy x

I can't cope with this... I'm trying to be strong and I have just rung a letting agent. not really anything around for short term lease...

just want it all to stop. I can't stop crying

swifty - does he have to pay for the house? I thought this be he said not?