How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

sorry to hear how you're feeling MHIS. But you are bound to feel awful on that lack of sleep. And it is bound to hit you with this force sometimes; it IS so awful what he has done. It is sickening; I'm not surprised you were sick. I think use that feeling, remember it - so that you can be stronger about him; and only want him back if he really can want you and commit to you.

But above all I'm just sorry you're feeling so awful and struggling on alone...wish I could pop round and give you a day off! Is there anyone you can call on to have DD for a couple of hours - so that you can catch up on sleep or just relax?

thanks HG - just had a snooze with DD. Feeling a little better. Going to get myself together and go see a friend for a brew. Out for a walk later with another friend.

I'm going to try to have an early night tonight, catch up on some sleep.

Just so difficult because when I go to bed my mind often races so I find it easier to go later so I fall asleep straight away...well almost.

I know it's a bad idea but I want to ring DH and ask him to come round for a chat to tell him just how wretched I feel. How much he has hurt me. To make him see exactly what he has done to me. To find out the truth about what happened, why and when did it all start..

Don't!!!!!!

From my undersatnding of your situation this is not something that had a specific start date anyway - is it not more to do with his psychological make-up and inability to commit/accept responsibility for decisions and failure to understand that a relationship is not about whether it's Right or Wrong but to do with working at it as you go along?

It doesn't sound likehe was ever Mr Perfect who has sadly strayed. It sounds to me like he has always been who he is now but now the consequences of that attitude have become real? Surely it was always going to happen? Or something like this anyway.

I know I won't

Going out now to keep myself busy

Hiya

Just checking in to let you know I'm feeling a lot better than I did this morning. Busy all day tomorrow and DH has DD tomorrow evening. Planning to have no conversation with him. Going to try bite size chunks of will power.....

Plan is to not speak to him until after this weekend - ideally longer but setting myself smaller goals to get through this. The earliest I am planning to allow any conversation is a week today that will be over 2 weeks without conversation about us...I know I need to wait longer and I'm going to try to do so.

On another note not sure what to do re MIL
She is being off with me and I really don't want this to carry on - would rather put a stop to her attitude towards me...a friend thinks I should invite her over to have a chat and see DD. I'm scared of her saying no and me looking stupid or her coming over and making me feel worse.

Thing is I feel the ball is in her court to make contact - see how I am etc but I have a feeling that the longer this no contact with her goes on the more likely she is to paint a bad pic of me as snubbing her - even tho I am def not doign this.

Any ideas on how to handle her? We work together and normally get on reasonably well

Anyone?

Sounds like a good idea to me as long as you don't get into a discussion about what went wrong with your relationship with DH or what will happen going forward. Say you don't want to complain about the past and you would not want to upset her. As to the future you think you and her son should discuss it first and that is what you will do when each of you has worked out what you/ he wants.

She's going to be a difficult one to deal with because she will be on his side by inclination. If she has a nagging suspicion that he is in the wrong (i.e. their is overwhelming evidence!), then she'll look for ways to diminish his guilt by looking for faults in your behaviour. There's a chance that a fear that she is partially responsible for your DHs absence of maturity could be the driving factor, and she may well go some distance to avoid having to confront that fear. Best one is to make both sides equally quilty and that may well be what she'll be trying to convince herself of.
So invite her round and talk about DD and how important she is to DD etc.

i really don't know what to do...thing is she sees DD 3x a week when DH has her and I think that she will interpret me asking her over as me wanting to find out info.....

Send her a note? Saying you still value your relationship with her but while you are trying to understand what is happening in hour marriage things are inevitable going to be awkward?
Or something?

I'd send a note. She is seeing her grandchild 3 times a week which sounds fine to me, but I'd want to say to her "I assume you are happy seeing DD when H brings her, but if you have any problems with this or want to see her more or at different times please let me know as I don't want any difficulties between H and me to affect DD's relationship with her much loved grandparents" or something like that.

I think that's enough; no point inviting her over if you think it will be emotional and difficult; you will have shown that you are open to seeing her if SHE wants more.

I really don't know what to do. Your suggestions sound good but what I don't want to do is sound as though I'm fishing for info.

She has complained (since we split up) that she didn't see enough of DD in SCBU and since she has been home, said I've been harsh with her (!) and have changed as a person.....ermm her son has been shagging around and I've gone through a traumatic time so yep sure I've changed! I've had to - self preservation.

I feel that if I approach her to come and visit for a catch up etc she will think I am being over the top friendly or fishing for info re DH etc.

Although I suppose if she says anything I can say that I am trying to mend bridges....? which is what I want to do. Thing is tho I am feeling down about how she has not contacted me since she first found out about DH's actions to see how I am etc. I suppose I am scared that I will be upset with her if I see her.

Suppose I'm not ready to see her yet...

DH has got DD atm. He picked her up late again - no explanation or apology. I haven't said anything to him - his loss if he picsk her up late. However if he is late bringing her back I will say something as I feel stringly it is in DD best interests to keep to her routine.

had a good day today and feel stronger than I did yesterday but still feel as though I am constantly 'on pins' with the whole situation Feel as though everything I do or say is/might be the 'wrong thing'

Its interesting how you still feel it's your job to keep everyone else happy. YOU are the injured party in all this, no question.

Do what feels right for you, what makes you feel strong and in control. Don't worry how other people will or won't read what you do and say - you can't second guess that or make them "get it" - there's a lot of hurt flying about.

What does your MIL think of her son's behaviour I wonder...To accuse you of changing is ridiculous - what on earth does she expect?

You sound really on track and I think you are doing so well...

Katisha -you've hit the nail on the head. I do want to make sure that everyone is happy and not thinking bad of me. It hurts to think that she is thinking bad of me and my actions. She told me that I upset people and people are scared to say things to me for fear of how I will react.

I have asked several people since and they have assured me that I DO NOT do this. Hell I can be a bit bossy and I have opinions but I never ever intentionally hurt anyone or feel that I push my opinions on anyone else.

I think for now I am going to leave it be. I have already told her that she can have contact with DD and to just ring to arrange this. She hasn't so I will leave at that.

If she doesn't want to make contact with me to see how I am then I don't want to speak to her at the moment anyway.

Just hurts because in a liot of respect s for the past 14yrs she has treated me like a daughter and now when I need support she has deserted me.

Feeling down again today. Felt so tired and it was a real effort to get up this morning.

I want to sit down and talk with DH, thrash it out, get the truth and try and make a decision about what I want to do.
I want to sit down with him. Tell him that I don't feel that I can move forward until I know the whole truth.

Tell him that I want to make a decision about what I want for the future. That I want to know if he is going to carry on as he is or start to fight for his family.

Thing is he will either say he doesn't know what he wants, won't be prepared to act in my best interests or lie to me.

I feel so lost I really don't want to carry on like this any longer. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing not speaking ot him but scared that if I do speak to him it will be the worng thing to do.

I don't know what other people think but I'm wondering whether as you are so desperate to speak to him maybe you should?
And if you do, say that "I don't know what I want" is NOT an acceptable answer right from the start.
I think if "I dont know" continues to be the asnwer then you have to read it as a no, and walk away.
But any other option requires him to sign up for counselling .

I really don't know Katisha
My counsellor advises against speaking to him until he makes an effort to prove to me he wants me, to make it up to me, that he is truely sorry etc.

Thing is he might not ever want me and if that is the case then I think I'd rather know and move on.

I don't know if I could ever take him back but at the moment because I don't know how he feels I don't know if that will ever be a decision I have to make - if that makes sense!

Thing is, and my counsellor agrees, I feel as though he is just keeping me dangling atm because he wants to keep all his optins open. My counsellor argues that if I make it too easy for him to come back nothing will get resolved and he will not change, keep treating me badly and I will be in this situation again.

Yes maybe you are right. He is almost definitely carrying on refusing to make a decision and is keeping his options open, and waiting for someone else to take the decision or for something else to happen.

I suppose you could be in this position for a long long time. Maybe frankly, if this hasn't shocked him into action then he's never going to actually do anything decisive and you should start to see this as a decision in itself. He is just not motivated enough to change.

That's what I am scared of Katisha. Then I satrt thinking would it really be so bad for me to take the lead and say I am prepared to work things out on the condition thathe does X,Y,Z - if he won't then it is over forever and then we both know where we stand?

Message withdrawn

It depends on whether he understands how things have got to change I think.

If you sat him down and said right - let's save time here - I can't wait for you to drift any more, I need to know what is going to happen, then he'd probably be mightily relieved as again you are taking the lead. On the other hand he may not understand how he has got into this situation and why he needs to rethink his attitide to life. So in the long run nothing would be gained.

I suppose wanting to know what he intends to do is not the same as making it easy for him to come back. I suppose you could at least ask him how he is feeling about the situation and whether he thinks he can take the decision to commit to you as a family of 3. And if he says "I don't know" - that's your answer.

We are going round in circles here aren't we?

Yes

I'm seeing my counsellor again today. No decisions made til after then I think.

Thanks for all your support

Brea in mind that in his head he probably now feels like the victim as well - you have thrown him out...

People who never take decisions for themselves are great at convincing themsleves that therefore nothing is their fault.

Sorry to keep popping up. I keep thinking about this. Do you think he realises you are waiting for a move from him?

Or is he just bumbling along waiting to see what you are going to do?

mhis so sorry you are having a bad day.
it is the limbo that is hard, isnt it? I spoke to my counsellor today because I am torn, and am ready to jack it in JUST to get off the rolloercoaster.
he said some wise things:
I dont owe him anything. I shouldnt feel obliged to keep waiting around.
he is trying to control me by keeping me dangling.
of course, I DO want h back, but under certain conditions (you know all about those!)

so, I think from this I will pretend to myself I AM leaving him.
I will prepare for a life on my own. Sell the house, move away as I had intended BEFORE he wanted me back. Get into my social life, get into work, get myself sorted in the evenings. Start dating again. The hard part is doing this with liited babysitting, but I WONT rely on him for it (or at least, I will try not to)
If he eventually changes enough to make things work, then ok. If not, I am already sorted.

Its the limbo that is killing me emotionally. It is so tiring. one moment I love him and want him back, the next I dont think it will ever work. I cant deal with this much longer.

So, lets take control back from them.
heres to a single life. with the open possibility of not being single iyswim.

Katisha that's what I don't know. he says he is taking time out to think but not sure he is actually doing this...