How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

I asked him outright to tell me and for once be honest.

I'm glad he did because it meant I wasn't being paranoid - which is what he was implying.

Also glad because I can get checked for STi's - hopefully unlikely to have caught anything but better to get checked out nw rather than later.

However I am very too because this means all that he has told me is a lie - the story he said and the fact that he is now saying that he slept with her means that the chronological order doesn't add up

He seems to think that by telling me the 'truth' he is showing that he is trying to change (!!) Okay so he has finally admitted to it but after 7 months and only after I had thrown him out and he'd been pushed to answer. He really just does not get it does he

I do believe that people can change. However not sure that my (D)H is one of them. If he is then maybe we have a future but only time will tell if he can change and if I can forgive him, trust him again and move on.

ATM I'm not able to do that and in any case he doesn't know if he wants me anyway

Im going to reclaim my life back for me and my DD

That's the spirit! Its the only way to go I think!

You no longer "needing " him in the way you did means his habitual behaviour is not going to get the usual results ie you bending over backwards trying to make everything all right for him.
Stay looking strong even if you don't feel it inside...

I know but just feel so sick to the pit of my stomach over how he has betrayed me and what he has done. After so long together and having a DD in SCBU etc how could he have done it? Why not have some respect and tell me it was over first? What would it have taken for them to wait?

My mind is on overdrive much of the time. I keep telling myself that this is the worst bit and things will get easier with time Difficult to believe myself tho

Yes his behaviour was inexcusable and cruel. And his continual dithering is also cruel.

You are going through a period of raw grief for a relationship that has basically died, and what's worse, it has died because you have seen through the deception and cruelty of it. And the other thing that has died is your dream of your future together.

So it's absolutely no wonder that you feel so awful, and it would be strange if you didn't. You have been hit by a ton of bricks, complete with new baby, which on its own is enough to knock you sideways.

You are doing so well, and I really think you are on the right track for yourself and DD. He may eventually join you on that track, but unless he undergoes radical change through extended and appropriate counselling, I doubt it.

just checking in - was thinking about you today MHIS.

Thanks HonoriaGlossop

Had an up and down day. Just can't believe he could be so cruel

Tonight he was 20min late picking DD up and 20 min late bringing her back. When he brought her back I politely pointed out that she needs to be back on time and he said yes I know.

He is supposed to see her again on Thurs but I forgot I have plans which were made a while back. I told him this and suggested he see her on Fri but he said no just keep to weekend can't believe that he is being such a crap dad.

I thought thay the man I married would be a great dad. How did it all go wrong?

I couldn't bear not to see DD for more than a couple of hours let alone 5 days. He didn't ask how she had been since he last saw her or anything.

Message withdrawn

Thanks Rubyloopy. That's what I keep tellingmyself and I'm surrounding myself with caring family and friends.

Still hits me like a ton of bricks several times a day though

Hey MHIS just checking on you cos not posted since my hols. I was so hoping you would have a fab time and would sort things out but it seems exactly the opposite has happened. I am glad that you have turfed him out and finally told your friends whats been going on as this will give you the strength to stand up to him. I am disgusted that after all the lies he has admitted to sleeping with the OW only after you had kicked him out, thats just a cowards trick to try to clear his conscience. Things with me are no different and i still dont know whether i am coming or going as he says he still doesnt know if he loves me, even though he picked up some wedding brochures at a local hall recently. You have been strong for you and your DD and I wish I could be as strong for me and the kids and move on but i know that as soon as he is gone i will beg him to come back. So I am proud of you for sticking to your guns and whether you do take him back in the long term or whether you decide that you are better off without him I know you will be doing what is best for yourself and DD.
As for him not seeing DD til weekend I am not shocked as DP did this to me and our DS when we temporarily split in March. He never saw him or text/rang for a week. I had sent him msgs to ask why but he ignored them. He says now that it was easier for him to ignore DS than to have visitation cos when it was time to leave he wanted to stay (if that makes any sense). Anyway I am thinking of you. Stay strong honey and hope DD is ok xx

Thanks Jodyray - hope things get better for you soon.

Your thoughts on him not seeing DD could make sense I suppose but TBH he doesn't seem that fussed at all. Even when he comes to collect her. And when we were together he was always home late and not really interested in doing much at weekends.

Had another counselling session today. Feel a little better. Just trying not to think too much and if I do allow myself to let go of the horrible thoughts rather than dwelling on them.

Hi MHIS, first time I've been onlne in a few days and the first thing I do is check up on you .

H is still being an arse then. I'm so sorry that he can't grow up and be the man you need him to be. So many "I wish"s that I annot express them all.

Please try not to dwell. If you find yourself dwelling then distract yourself or call a friend.

When you think, think about what you can do - like take dd to see friends, or do something nice together - not what you can't do - get H to turn up on time and treat dd with the respect and love that you do.

Just wanted you to know that even when I can't get in touch, I am still thinking of you.

Thanks YKNOTC - It's so nice of you to offer your support and you don't even know me in RL. Makes me that H couldn't do this and he was the one person I should have been able to rely on to give me love nad support

Your kind words make me feel so much better.

I'm feeling much better today than yesterday. In a much more positive frame of mind. Looking to the future and viewing this as an opportunity to do things for me and DD that maybe i wouldn't have done if I was still with H. This may be the kick up the bum that I needed to do things for ME and DD without having to think of anyone else.

In some ways today I have got rather excited about what the future may hold

Went to see my counsellor agaibn today and hse said that although I am upset and all so raw at the moment I'm no where near as tense, hurt or upset as I was when I was with H. Think that says it all really!

hmmmm that didn't last long. Still feeling more positive than I have for a long time but going over what was said between us at weekend....Am I being stupid not getting him round here to have a proper chat to lay my cards on the table and say that if he puts the effort in and goes to counselling etc that we could hopefully work this out.

Am I being silly to even think this or even more stupid by finally giving up on my marriage?

Deep down I know that the decision to make the effort and change lies with him and that this has to happen before I can consider if I want him back.

Still doesn't feel right not to be together even after all he has done but I suppose that this is from habit rather than love.

God this is so hard

MHIS you are doing really well so dont give up. You have to build yourself back up before you can even decide whether to take him back or not. You are not in the right emotional state right now to make that decision are you? You and DD are priority and he can wait.Dont feel forced into making a snap decision that you may regret, probably cos you are scared he has a time limit on working things out?? (No offence but this is how I felt when we split)
Maybe the time apart will do you some good. He will put on a front but deep down he will be missing being part of a family. That said you need to take your time and get your head straight then take things slowly if you decide to work things out ie go on dates and do fun stuff before he moves back (thats if you want him back once your head is clear). If you dont want him back he will need to realise that he blew it and the trust is gone and not be an arsehole by being nasty (or the opposite ie trying it on with you when he visits!!) All of this will take time, and you need to take as much time as you need to decide what is best for you and DD. There is a lot to think about but you have the support of your F&F in RL and also the support of MNs whatever you decide to do. Thinking about ya hun

MHIS you are still wanting to get him round and tell him what to do. I think it has to come from him this time, I really do.

MHIS I just wanted to add that don't worry, those 'excited about the future' moments WILL come back and they will come back more frequently....and don't worry; your DH, I would be willing to stake money on it, KNOWS that if he shapes up you will take him back. He knows you. He knows what he has to do. You don't need to do, or say, ANYTHING more or different IMO, it is all in his court now...

I know

Off out tonight with some friends (and DD!) should take my mind off it for a few hours.

You've already had such good advice. It will come back, you will feel more and more postitive about the future and about yourself.
Give yourself time. None of this is about him anymore, it's all about you: Give yourself time to accept this and enjoy it.

I know (my favourite phrase at the moment!) but I'm just finding it all very difficult.

I am trying so hard to concentrate on me and what I want but at the moment I relly don't knmow what I want for hte future. That is scary because I have always wanted to make things work with DH. Have always since my teens wanted to be with him.

Now I don't know, I want to be with the person I fell in love with, married and had a child with but I don't know if he still exists

I've been thinking a lot about what was said last weekend and I still have questions going round my head. I want him to sit down withme and tell me exactly when the affair started and why. I know it's something that we have spoken about lots but I feel that there have been so many lies for so long I don't understand , why and how and in order to move on in any way I need to have that information.

Trouble is because I can't believe him how can I ever really know if he is tellign the whole truth.

Sounds to me like that person never did exist - you were overlooking things that now you can't take any more. If he dithered about getting married, and had to be advised to do it by relatives and so on, then he was the exactly the same man you see now.

I think what has happened is that you have grown and become unable to sweep stuff under the carpet any more in the hope of a roses round the door future. And he has become a worse version of himself, and his commitophobia and inability to decide to stick with one person led to the inevitable event of him giving himself two people to choose from, to see if one "felt righter" than the other. Also the responsibility of a fragile baby was just too much for him to take on so instead he awarded himself a nice fling. Pathetic.

I wonder whether knowing the exact sordid details of his affair will actually help. You will only start to beat yourself up about if you had done this or that, at this or that point, whether things would have turned out dfferently. Try to let that go, and try to let go of the fantasy version of the man you married. That must be the hardest thing of all.

Agree with Katisha.

It is natural to want to get some more answers from him. If he has finally been truthful about having an affair, it is natural that you would want to revisit other things that you tried to discuss with him at the counsellors, i.e. what was it that he was unhappy about with you, in case you might get a more truthful answer this time. The implication then is that, if you knew the truth, you might be able to fix it.

Facing life on your own after such a long relationship, when you have known little different, is a huge change. It is bound to be daunting and will take a long adjustment period. I'm not saying he won't want to come back, he might, but only time will tell. And should you take him back?

In the meantime, you will not be able to stop going over and over it in your mind, trying to reconcile what you have found out with what you thought you knew about him, trying to make the pieces fit together in such a way as that it might be resolved. It is tempting to think that it has all been a midunderstanding and that, if the right things had been said or done by each of you at the right time, the affair and the subsequent break-up would not have happened. It is comforting and tempting to think that, if you could only talk this through properly, you'd each realise that it can be fixed.

There is no quick fix to this. Either he will spend some time thinking and savouring his 'freedom', realise he is still not happy and then decide to come back to you for security, then you go to counselling. It could take months or years. Or, you face a future without him and it will take you months and probably years to come to terms with it. You have always felt strongly about him and have known little else apart from being with him.

I imagine he liked being with you because you were strong and took charge, knew what you wanted and managed all the difficult stuff so that he could mainly just coast. Now that you have a small baby, you expect him to be more of a man, to look after you for a change, to look after the baby with you. This is not what he wanted, too much responsibility. He wants to go back to coasting and being with someone who massages his ego, a more superficial relationship without responsibility.

It is natural to want some (truthful) answers and maybe he will give them to you now. But I wouldn't expect any discussions with him to lead to any reconciliation at this point. He may be reasonable (to talk to) going forward because he wants to leave the door open with you in case he does want to come back at some point. Also, he knows that he can't completely separate from you because of dd so he doesn't want any aggro. But, from what you have said, I think he is still feeling the relief of 'escaping' your relationship, escaping your expectations and his responsibilities.

If you have to get some answers, do so, if he is willing to give them. Then, leave it, leave him alone indefinitely, with just minimal interaction to arrange any contact between him and dd or to discuss financial/practical matters.

Perversely, the more cool, disinterested you can seem in him, the more likely he is to come back because he can't handle your and dd's dependence on him. He could hitch a ride with you, as he has done for years, provided you make it easy/pleasant for him and don't expect much but don't believe you will ever be able to really depend on him because that makes him feel claustrophobic.