Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

[LittleCactus]

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

@LittleCactus Today 00:12

He's just come to bed and told me that he was being an idiot and actually does want to get married now and thinks we should do it just the two of us asap. But he's put so many doubts in my mind now that I'm just so confused and don't know what to think. Surely you can't just change your mind like that for such a big thing!
Have also told him name needs to go on the deeds and I'm not sending any more money until he organises it

Great! Now he's finally made up his mind, he wants to go ahead quickly - so take him at his word and book the registry office tomorrow, take the first available date and worry about outfits etc later.

Congrats, and happy new year..

Given your vulnerable position OP you should get married asap as providing your marriage is not a short one, financial settlements after divorce are generally more favourable than TOLATA for unmarried couples, if you do ever split. It’s not very romantic though that he’s flip flopping about.

Agree with @tescocreditcard - get married and protect yourself and then figure the rest out afterwards.

I think he was trying it on to see if he could get away with it. He has deduced that you would probably leave - he can work out that after a baby and an engagement most woman wouldn't take the idea that they won't have the faff of a wedding well. He has thought about having to do all the housework and cooking, pay all the bills plus maintenance, having to find sex somewhere else while being a weekend father!

Anyway the best you can do is set the date. This will give you and your child financial security. Best do it asap before he thinks of a pre-nup (yes I know they are not necessarily binding but who would want to gamble on that).

He was probably worried you were going to end things. I would get married asap then sort the rest out after. Book the soonest date you can.

Agree 100% with the last few posters. How ever you feel emotionally right now get married asap if he’s prepared to - for the sake of your own (and your child’s) financial security!

If you really want something/somebody you grab it and make it yours, you do not dilly-dally and leave it to others to take. I was in a relationship like that once, thought it was for real. Then he met someone else and they were married within 3 months. It was not that he did not want to get married, he did not want to marry me. He was looking for a better catch, all the time, whilst I thought we were engaged.

Agree you should contact the local registry offices in the morning and book the first available slot for the no-frills marriage. Costs about £50 and they are obliged to offer it. It will be an inconvenient time on a weekday but your future will be secure.

You could post on Mumsnet for 2 witnesses! Have a nice pub lunch afterwards and a party on your first anniversary if you want.

why is it extortion? OP agreed to this. There were no threats or blackmail or force.

Adults have to take responsibility for their choices. OP was not "swindled".

Detrimental reliance is a thing. Legally. I'm not a lawyer and have no idea if it's used in cases like this. But the law recognises people relying on someone's promises and losing out because of them.

Yes she should have made better choices. But the choices she made were based on his promises.

Four years is a long engagement, OP.

How did you get this far without walking, assuming you’ve brought up the ‘when will we get married’ conversation??

I would have brought this up agggggessss ago.

Fantastic, get it booked and get it done, just the two of you. You can have a party later at any time for anything if you want one, something in the summer or an anniversary party next year, just get married. Having a wedding is something completely different and massively over-rated and over-priced.

^ @LittleCactus !!

Get him to the registry office ASAP for the sake of your and your child's future financial security. You can always also hold a wedding celebration at a later date if you want a bigger event.

Is he stalking you on mumsnet?

In an ideal world, I would find someone who wants to marry me rather than stay with someone who doesn't think the relationship will last and is worried about the losing money as a result! However, given the house and child, you have no guarantee of future support so marriage seems like a good option.

You don't know whether she has even brought up actually planning the wedding in the last 4 years either do you? Bold assumption to just state that he has wasted the last four years of her life when maybe they could have communicated better

People unfortunately are overly dramatic. He doesn't want to get married, but still want to be with you. So what's the big deal?! This isn't the the 1950s!!!

Financial security

Do you understand marriage?

Deal breaker for me. When you know - you know! Me and my DH talked about marriage, got engaged the next month and were married 6 months later (eloped so cost pennies and didn’t need to save for it)

Hmm, as others have said, it depends how important marriage is to you. Is it a deal breaker?
I'd also be trying to work out what caused the change of heart. Is it a financial thing? If so would you be happy with /accept a low key (cheap) celebration?
My concern would be more that either he doesn't know what he wants ie he assumed he'd be ready and he's not or he's changed his mind. The alternative is he's not sure about you two rather than marriage or (worst in my opinion) he led you on and never really imagined marrying you. None of those reasons are attractive and I'd be off.
Have you discussed starting a family? How does yours and his ideals align.
I don't necessarily think you need to be the reactive one. Tell him your life plans included marriage (and kids?) and if that's not what he wants too then thank you for having the courage to speak up, but I'm off.

Four years kind of told you that anyway. His rationale of it going to pot would make me think he's checked out of the relationship, time to dump, sorry.

Do you even have children together op? It clear from the responses. Sorry if I've missed it.

Seriously, she is helping to pay the mortgage on a house that she has no rights to and working part time to raise a child with someone who is benefiting from her financial sacrifice.
You can't see any issues with this?

Where does it say op has a child?