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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

464 replies

LittleCactus · 01/01/2024 21:40

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Trez1510 · 02/01/2024 03:22

@Hifornow

Mat leave.

And, post at 21.59 mentions having one child together.

Edited - posted too soon.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 02/01/2024 03:24

Go to the op.
Click 'see all'
All of op's posts appear, you get everything there is to know.

Karrak · 02/01/2024 03:25

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2024 22:02

We have one child and we live in a house together that only he is on the mortgage for yet I have paid a lot into.

I wish women wouldn't do this to themselves.

Don't dump yet. Go to a solicitor with the evidence of what you've paid. Work out if it's better to have him sign something saying he owes you the money or an interest in the house. Then say, "you're right darling, marriage is silly. To protect me and DC though, please sign this". What he does then will let you know if he's a bit of an arsehole or a complete and utter scumbag.

This is excellent advice on so many levels.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2024 03:35

urbanbuddha · 02/01/2024 01:13

Agree you should contact the local registry offices in the morning and book the first available slot for the no-frills marriage. Costs about £50 and they are obliged to offer it. It will be an inconvenient time on a weekday but your future will be secure.

You could post on Mumsnet for 2 witnesses! Have a nice pub lunch afterwards and a party on your first anniversary if you want.

This. Get married asap. You’re then protected. The amount of time living together is taken into consideration in divorce proceedings in the event of a split.

mottytotty · 02/01/2024 03:36

LittleCactus · 02/01/2024 00:12

He's just come to bed and told me that he was being an idiot and actually does want to get married now and thinks we should do it just the two of us asap. But he's put so many doubts in my mind now that I'm just so confused and don't know what to think. Surely you can't just change your mind like that for such a big thing!
Have also told him name needs to go on the deeds and I'm not sending any more money until he organises it

I’d get married to get entitled to the house. Do it asap.

CurlewKate · 02/01/2024 04:26

Don't do anything until you have seen a solicitor.

Karrak · 02/01/2024 04:29

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2024 01:27

why is it extortion? OP agreed to this. There were no threats or blackmail or force.

Adults have to take responsibility for their choices. OP was not "swindled".

Detrimental reliance is a thing. Legally. I'm not a lawyer and have no idea if it's used in cases like this. But the law recognises people relying on someone's promises and losing out because of them.

Yes she should have made better choices. But the choices she made were based on his promises.

Proprietary Estoppel. It’s relevant here if OP has been paying the mortgage debt.

Mercurysinretrograde · 02/01/2024 04:37

I’d be cautious and cool here. Realistically have you paid more into the mortgage than you would have paid for rent if you were single? It sounds like less actually if averaged out over the years. So it would be a loss if you weren’t on the deeds but not major. A lot of PPs are saying marry immediately for financial security, but it sounds like you may be marrying the wrong guy. If you want to proceed with this marriage then take the next steps, but bear in mind that he may pull out again as he doesn’t seem very committed. Until you are actually married I’d stop paying into the joint account and irrespective of whether you marry or not, you need to start looking for a full time job. Something isn’t right here and his sudden decision to now marry is wallpapering over the cracks.

Zanatdy · 02/01/2024 04:50

LittleCactus · 01/01/2024 22:00

He owns the house, he's on the deeds. I basically have 0 rights to it!

And there’s your reason why he doesn’t want to get married. So you’re paying your share for this house and yet he’s not added you to the deeds. I’d end the relationship personally. You’re very vulnerable having a child, not married and not on the house deeds.

newoldfluff · 02/01/2024 05:05

Ohlookwhoitis · 01/01/2024 22:44

Why? What's wrong with the child?

Show quote history

Their dad is taking their mum for a ride. He's not going to step up and be amazing once they split up if he's the sort of person to make OP pay for half his house! I feel sorry for OP and the child

newoldfluff · 02/01/2024 05:05

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2024 03:35

This. Get married asap. You’re then protected. The amount of time living together is taken into consideration in divorce proceedings in the event of a split.

Show quote history

He won't marry her

Happyme2024 · 02/01/2024 05:39

Yes book the wedding for ASAP and have a wonderful blessing type ceremony and party later (if that's what you want).

Ramalangadingdong · 02/01/2024 05:40

So sorry this has happened to you. You have been given some great advice on here. Take it. Some of us have been through this crap so that you don't have to. Cut your losses and get out now. He's had all the best of you, now you have to save that for yourself. Trust me, life will be so much better. And you will probably be planning a marriage with someone else this time next year. Honestly, don't waste a second longer with this idiot (who thinks he's being clever).

Ramalangadingdong · 02/01/2024 05:44

Sorry, op. I hadn't read your updates!

IfTheresTeaTheresHope · 02/01/2024 05:49

LittleCactus · 01/01/2024 22:00

He owns the house, he's on the deeds. I basically have 0 rights to it!

And there we have the crux of the problem for your ‘fiancé’. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot.

RegimentalSturgeon · 02/01/2024 05:52

mathanxiety · 01/01/2024 23:50

He's a sociopath.

He is shamelessly using her in every way.

Show quote history

Hardly a sociopath. There are reasons why “Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free?” is a cliché, after all.

Honeychickpea · 02/01/2024 06:10

YouJustDoYou · 01/01/2024 22:25

We were forced to be engaged for 8 years (MIL hated me because my life status didn't match her precious son's status), in the end we just eloped. I gave up at one point and just said, you know what? Marry your mum if you crre so much. I don't care any more.

How exactly were you "forced" to be engaged for 8 years? Were you not adults with agency?

User893432374902zzx · 02/01/2024 06:14

I imagine if she wanted to get her mortgage related financial contribution recognised, then rent for the past 5 years would need to be accounted for somehow?

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/01/2024 06:24

Kimmeridge · 01/01/2024 21:43

That depends. What's more important to you, being married or being with him. I know for some people not being married would be a deal breaker but conversely lots of people live very happily unmarried

THIS! ⬆

Being married may not "be important" to him - but it is to you.

If he loved you, he would respect that, and as he claims he wants to stay with you, he would fulfil your great wish.

He just "doesn't see the point of . . . the expense and faff" - so it's not as though he has some great moral objection - he just can't be bothered to give you the security and commitment that he has always known is very important to you.

Personally, I don't think I could remain with him under these circumstances - he's already looking to what might happen if things go wrong - that's the kiss of death to my mind. It usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Only you can make the decision, obviously, but I'd really think how good it is for you to be with a man who has so little consideration for your wishes.

PaintedEgg · 02/01/2024 06:30

@LittleCactus while I absolutely agree that marriage would have secured your financial position, I also think that ship has sailed

You would be getting married to get divorced - and probably very soon. He has effectively scammed you to help him pay for mortgage, but as others have pointed out, you probably paid less over the years than you would have if you were renting

at this point make sure that whatever you pay him for rent (as this is effectively what you're doing) is clearly labelled on your statements and start getting your ducks in a row financially

quisensoucie · 02/01/2024 06:35

You've have a child with him and you are not on the house deeds?
Very poor decision-making
He isn't going to marry you

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/01/2024 06:41

PaintedEgg · 02/01/2024 06:30

@LittleCactus while I absolutely agree that marriage would have secured your financial position, I also think that ship has sailed

You would be getting married to get divorced - and probably very soon. He has effectively scammed you to help him pay for mortgage, but as others have pointed out, you probably paid less over the years than you would have if you were renting

at this point make sure that whatever you pay him for rent (as this is effectively what you're doing) is clearly labelled on your statements and start getting your ducks in a row financially

This is a very good point. I am totally in favour of the OP protecting herself by any means necessary including marriage if it guarantees she gets some equity in the house and a settlement.

On balance I still think getting married is probably the smart move but I would check with a solicitor to be as sure as you can.

Lets be honest: the marriage is not going to survive so make sure the divorce is the most lucrative option for you. If marriage turns out not to be worth it and you can avoid putting yourself through the faff and indignity of marrying an arsehole who doesn’t really care for you it’s probably worth avoiding!

Noroomontheshelf · 02/01/2024 06:52

I would get married. Life is expenses and OPs financial situation is insecure. She will benefit most from a divorce, so I’d get married if I were her. The capital will pay for a deposit on a flat or house. Unfortunately, it will also affect benefits which OP is likely to be able to claim.

I’d also look for a secure full time job.

He’s basically been asking you to pay, through loss of earnings and pension and no housing rights, to look after his child and to give him an easier life as he doesn’t have to organise his working life around having a child.

Humbugg · 02/01/2024 06:57

OP call the registry office and book the wedding for the next available slot. As PP now is not the time to play hard to get and you can always divorce later if you sadly need to. But make sure you do this for yourself

Brefugee · 02/01/2024 07:04

LittleCactus · 02/01/2024 00:12

He's just come to bed and told me that he was being an idiot and actually does want to get married now and thinks we should do it just the two of us asap. But he's put so many doubts in my mind now that I'm just so confused and don't know what to think. Surely you can't just change your mind like that for such a big thing!
Have also told him name needs to go on the deeds and I'm not sending any more money until he organises it

tbh - get married. Get the first possible appointment and do it.

Have the thoughts and plans about your future after that.