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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

464 replies

LittleCactus · 01/01/2024 21:40

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

OP posts:
DixonD · 02/01/2024 00:14

MerryBlueberry · 01/01/2024 22:47

He can put you on the deeds without the mortgage.
Say it’s that or a no frills registry office or you know he’s planning to leave you one day and you need to start saving for that if he wants you and your child homeless.

Most lenders don’t allow this.

Jill23 · 02/01/2024 00:15

Leave. He’s shown his true colours. Let everyone else see them too. He has broken off your engagement. Walk and concentrate on securing your own financial position.

tescocreditcard · 02/01/2024 00:15

LittleCactus · 02/01/2024 00:12

He's just come to bed and told me that he was being an idiot and actually does want to get married now and thinks we should do it just the two of us asap. But he's put so many doubts in my mind now that I'm just so confused and don't know what to think. Surely you can't just change your mind like that for such a big thing!
Have also told him name needs to go on the deeds and I'm not sending any more money until he organises it

The Registry office opens tomorrow. Take him up on his offer and ring them and book it in.

DixonD · 02/01/2024 00:16

ultimatepushyparent · 01/01/2024 22:50

You can own a house jointly regardless of the mortgage. You own it as "tenants in common" or "joint tenants". When you are TIC it means you have a share (which can be 50%) whereas if you own it as JT then you own it jointly meaning it goes to the other when one of you dies. Joint tenants is the usual way married couples own property but it sounds like he wanted you to have a share which was representative of your contribution. That might have been right when you were first in a relationship but it won't be right now. Go and see a lawyer in the background now so you can work out your strategy before you have all this out with him.

In MOST cases, if there is a lender, all owners need to be party to the mortgage.

EmmaEmerald · 02/01/2024 00:17

Roa · 02/01/2024 00:12

Yeah, pretty much been paying on that man's house for him. Why do women do this? Basically, he's been swindling her. Not to mention she does more house chores and definitely the childcare, as she took a part time. This type of behavior from a man should be considered extortion.

why is it extortion? OP agreed to this. There were no threats or blackmail or force.

Adults have to take responsibility for their choices. OP was not "swindled".

RiderofRohan · 02/01/2024 00:17

Snowbear32 · 01/01/2024 23:04

I despair every time I read about women getting themselves into these situations time and time again. Why on earth would you pay a mortgage on a house that you have no rights to, or when you're not married to the homeowner? You may as well just be pissing money straight down the drain. And why would you then have a child in that situation when the man could literally leave you both penniless and homeless if he feels like it?

Yep. Women don't get that there is method to the madness of getting married THEN having kids. The motherhood penalty is real and not being married makes it a whole lot worse.

Long ago, my DH once told me he didn't see the point in marriage. I just shut it down and said we weren't procreating without it. That was the last of that.

There isn't a point really, if the woman is the much higher earner/has more assets/much better pension. Or if you're a man, of course.

DixonD · 02/01/2024 00:17

Therealjudgejudy · 01/01/2024 23:53

You need your name on the deeds asap

He would need to willingly agree to this.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2024 00:18

LittleCactus · 02/01/2024 00:12

He's just come to bed and told me that he was being an idiot and actually does want to get married now and thinks we should do it just the two of us asap. But he's put so many doubts in my mind now that I'm just so confused and don't know what to think. Surely you can't just change your mind like that for such a big thing!
Have also told him name needs to go on the deeds and I'm not sending any more money until he organises it

Given your vulnerable situation, I would take him up on it immediately. Get married as soon as possible.

Energydrink · 02/01/2024 00:19

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2024 00:18

Given your vulnerable situation, I would take him up on it immediately. Get married as soon as possible.

Show quote history

100% agree!!!!

Roa · 02/01/2024 00:19

There was a promise of marriage. And an engagement, which is an actual step towards it, thus leading her on. These things are legally enforceable with a good lawyer. Even oral contracts are legally enforceable. This was more than that.

DixonD · 02/01/2024 00:19

RedToothBrush · 01/01/2024 23:23

YES.

You DO NOT need to be on the mortgage to be on the deeds. The deeds are the ownership of the property but the mortage is the loan against the property. The two are separate and different. You don't have to be named on both.

I'd also be asking questions about life insurance / pensions and whether you would be the beneficiary. If you aren't married you may not be entitled to these type of financial benefits which would otherwise would be.

This all matters.

Its reasonable for you to ask these questions if marriage is off the table.

Show quote history

This is incorrect.

Tacotortoise · 02/01/2024 00:22

LittleCactus · 02/01/2024 00:12

He's just come to bed and told me that he was being an idiot and actually does want to get married now and thinks we should do it just the two of us asap. But he's put so many doubts in my mind now that I'm just so confused and don't know what to think. Surely you can't just change your mind like that for such a big thing!
Have also told him name needs to go on the deeds and I'm not sending any more money until he organises it

Oh fgs don't start playing hard to get now. Marry him, divorce him later if you need to. Marriage is a financial contract. It says nothing either way about the quality of your relationship.

PastorCarrBonarra · 02/01/2024 00:22

OP your update is good but don’t let him muck you about any longer. Ring the register office as soon as it opens and book the next available date. Not sure about legal notice periods etc but I doubt they’re booked solid in January and February apart from Valentines Day. Don’t accept any prevarication.

PurpleOrchid42 · 02/01/2024 00:23

You've got to have it out with him. Tell him that you are the mother of his child, you've worked as a partnership to raise this child, which meant you assumed different roles. He needs to either marry you, or financially compensate you now, for the sacrifice and pay cut you had to take, in your part of the bargain. What he's doing is treachery. He needs to do right by you.

EmmaEmerald · 02/01/2024 00:24

Tacotortoise · 02/01/2024 00:22

Oh fgs don't start playing hard to get now. Marry him, divorce him later if you need to. Marriage is a financial contract. It says nothing either way about the quality of your relationship.

Show quote history

This. Finance first - always.

PurpleOrchid42 · 02/01/2024 00:27

Okay, well done for insisting name on deeds. Don't read too much into him changing his mind. Marriage can seem sort of pointless, if you haven't thought about the importance of it from a legal standpoint (in the interests of fairness). I'd be telling him though that it's marriage or split up.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/01/2024 00:32

Bite his hand off and get married this week! Financially you are very vulnerable without it. Then work on your relationship and at least you have a safety net if it fails.

RedToothBrush · 02/01/2024 00:32

LittleCactus · 02/01/2024 00:12

He's just come to bed and told me that he was being an idiot and actually does want to get married now and thinks we should do it just the two of us asap. But he's put so many doubts in my mind now that I'm just so confused and don't know what to think. Surely you can't just change your mind like that for such a big thing!
Have also told him name needs to go on the deeds and I'm not sending any more money until he organises it

Get him to book a date at the registry office or you think he's just giving you the run around. No frills no fuss. If you want a do with family you can do it later. Just get your paperwork in order.

LaurieStrode · 02/01/2024 00:34

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/01/2024 00:32

Bite his hand off and get married this week! Financially you are very vulnerable without it. Then work on your relationship and at least you have a safety net if it fails.

This!

You have a child to protect.

RedToothBrush · 02/01/2024 00:34

Fwiw DH and I were engaged for four years before we set a date. That was mainly cos neither of us could be bothered/stresses about his family. But we didn't have kids and we were both on the deeds and had set up some legal protections when we bought the house anyway.

So I don't have an issue with a long engagement as such - but kids change that.

beanontoast · 02/01/2024 00:35

Roa · 02/01/2024 00:19

There was a promise of marriage. And an engagement, which is an actual step towards it, thus leading her on. These things are legally enforceable with a good lawyer. Even oral contracts are legally enforceable. This was more than that.

Getting engaged is not a legally enforceable contract and for a marriage to be valid in England both parties have to consent. Stop spreading nonsense.

Roa · 02/01/2024 00:38

beanontoast · 02/01/2024 00:35

Getting engaged is not a legally enforceable contract and for a marriage to be valid in England both parties have to consent. Stop spreading nonsense.

Show quote history

This is about the money for the mortgage, not getting married. She paid money into HIS house on HIS promise of marriage.

QueenBitch666 · 02/01/2024 00:40

Solicitor
Ducks in a row
He's pulling a fast one

beanontoast · 02/01/2024 00:40

Roa · 02/01/2024 00:38

This is about the money for the mortgage, not getting married. She paid money into HIS house on HIS promise of marriage.

Show quote history

That’s also not a contract 🙄

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