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Original poster

Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

464 replies

LittleCactus · 01/01/2024 21:40

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Giggorata · 01/01/2024 23:35

Hasn't anyone looked at the Shelter link that unsync posted?

It gives a lot of good advice to a non property owning partner, and makes specific reference to beneficial interest, and how this may be designated:

“If a partner who doesn't own the home wants to try to establish a beneficial interest, then they should start proceedings in the County Court or the High Court under section 14 of the Trusts of Land and Appointment of Trustees Act 1996. Heterosexual couples who have been engaged in the last three years can also use section 17 of the Married Women's Property Act 1882, and lesbian and gay couples who have had a civil partnership agreement in the last three years can use section 74 of the Civil Partnership Act 2004.”

MotherOfTheYear133 · 01/01/2024 23:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TheAlchemistElixa · 01/01/2024 23:39

It’s not just what happens if you split OP, but what if he unexpectedly dies? It sounds like you would have zero rights to the house, and therefore would be out on your arse. I’m guessing he hasn’t got a written will with you in it, either…

Disillusioned11 · 01/01/2024 23:40

Leave … as fast as you can. he doesn’t want to get married and will more than likely leave you at some point.

4 years is a long time I'll admit but lots of things happened 2020-2023 that made us put it off.
This is just nonsense….people who want to get married … get married. I met my now DH in late 2019, he proposed 9 months later and we were married 9 months after that. We had a plan A wedding (what we wanted) and a plan b,c & d depending on how many guests covid restrictions allowed. Because we wanted to get married. Anything else is just an excuse.
Leave now
He doesn’t love you because if he did, he’d want to marry you

Barleysugar86 · 01/01/2024 23:45

LittleCactus · 01/01/2024 22:37

Can anyone be put on the deeds? Does it not matter about employment?
Because at the time of purchasing I think we may have been confused/misinformed that I couldn't be on the deeds because of my temporary contract (the reason I'm not on the mortgage)

I've just asked him what would happen if we split and he said he would 'obviously' give me back what I've paid in, to protect myself and our DC. I do actually believe him but also know I need to protect myself properly, in case he changes his mind.

So with my partner we had a deed of trust drawn up by a solicitor as my employment was patchy- only he was on the deeds but I had the right to half the proceeds less the cost of the deposit he'd paid in from a house sale. It gave me the right to register a charge on the property but I never did as I was worried it might interfere with the mortgage renewals. This might be worth exploring as its not only deeds that can give you property rights.

MistletoeandJd · 01/01/2024 23:46

🤨 'all the faff if it goes to pot' literally means you getting part of what you've Benn working for the past 4 years 🙈🙈🙈🙈

JFDIYOLO · 01/01/2024 23:46

I was about to say don't have children with him - until I saw you have.

So basically you've given him all the advantages of a married man - sex, a child, housekeeper etc, while you have none of the rights of a married woman.

You are in a very vulnerable position.

Why would he want to get married??

Nothing would change - other than you would then have joint ownership rights over the property, his income, savings etc, and he over yours.

What he would have would be the extra expense and the faff of a wedding.

Set a date for a register office wedding and get it sorted, and make sure your contraception's rock solid.

Or you'll be back here in a few years with several more kids, no job, savings or pension because you're busy servicing the family, wondering how that happened.

And still you will have NO RIGHTS.

Grow a backbone, set some boundaries and make your statement clear.

Icelandic9 · 01/01/2024 23:47

Snowbear32 · 01/01/2024 23:04

I despair every time I read about women getting themselves into these situations time and time again. Why on earth would you pay a mortgage on a house that you have no rights to, or when you're not married to the homeowner? You may as well just be pissing money straight down the drain. And why would you then have a child in that situation when the man could literally leave you both penniless and homeless if he feels like it?

I agree about having a child but it's completely normal to pay towards rent and bills when you live in a house, regardless of who owns it.

Switch it round and mumsnet would be calling a woman crazy for letting a man live rent and bill free in their house.

It works both ways

mathanxiety · 01/01/2024 23:50

Tinkleberryz · 01/01/2024 22:24

This beggars belief, so this arse has you paying half his mortgage but no conversation about you being on the deeds and you have his child. Wow he’s selfish.

He's a sociopath.

He is shamelessly using her in every way.

LaurieStrode · 01/01/2024 23:52

JFDIYOLO · 01/01/2024 23:46

I was about to say don't have children with him - until I saw you have.

So basically you've given him all the advantages of a married man - sex, a child, housekeeper etc, while you have none of the rights of a married woman.

You are in a very vulnerable position.

Why would he want to get married??

Nothing would change - other than you would then have joint ownership rights over the property, his income, savings etc, and he over yours.

What he would have would be the extra expense and the faff of a wedding.

Set a date for a register office wedding and get it sorted, and make sure your contraception's rock solid.

Or you'll be back here in a few years with several more kids, no job, savings or pension because you're busy servicing the family, wondering how that happened.

And still you will have NO RIGHTS.

Grow a backbone, set some boundaries and make your statement clear.

Exactly this.

He doesn't value you or your future. He's focused on protecting himself.

Why would you be with such a selfish asshole?

Therealjudgejudy · 01/01/2024 23:53

You need your name on the deeds asap

MsRosley · 01/01/2024 23:55

I'm genuinely worried for you, OP. Your partner sounds like a shit.

ZenNudist · 01/01/2024 23:56

I'm sorry. I would not let him get away with this. He doesn't get to promise something, take it away and then carry on indefinitely. Your situation is not secure. I'd be pushing to marry or break up and make it clear he'd be having your dd 50-50. You can't force him but assuming he loved his dd then he will start to do the right thing.

To be honest he sounds awful and I'd treat this as the end. I know you love him but he's not got your best interests at heart.

JFDIYOLO · 01/01/2024 23:56

And if he doesn't welcome the suggestion, there's your answer. He doesn't see his future as being with you.

He may even be looking at the future with someone else.

Get a solicitors appointment and find out about your RIGHTS.

2chocolateoranges · 01/01/2024 23:57

Some women dont realise how vulnerable they are if they have a child while not married, being married gives that financial security, yet some women still think having a baby with someone is more important.

you need to get more clued up on finances, get your name on the deeds, which will give you more security.

if he isn’t willing to either get married or put your name on the deeds then I’d be seriously rethinking the relationship. You are in a precarious situation.

MsRosley · 01/01/2024 23:57

How about going to his parents, OP. Would they put pressure on him to keep to his word? I'd be pretty fucking unimpressed if my son got engaged and had a child with a woman, then tried to duck out of marrying her while expecting things to carry on as normal.

Roa · 01/01/2024 23:59

Sounds like he's already getting everything he needs from the relationship and he doesn't see the point of marrying you. Possibly he just wants to break up and /or he has someone else.

Teapot13 · 02/01/2024 00:03

Well, stop contributing to mortgage, for starters.

Pookerrod · 02/01/2024 00:04

He is letting you know that he plans to end this relationship at some point when it suits him and that he doesn’t intend to give you half the house and half his pension/savings.

You can’t make him marry you or give you anything.

I’d be out of the door by the end of the week I’m afraid.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2024 00:04

He's got everything he wants, for free, without having to make a shred of commitment to you or your future security. What a prince.

I would be out the door if I were you.

BillieJ · 02/01/2024 00:05

MsRosley · 01/01/2024 23:57

How about going to his parents, OP. Would they put pressure on him to keep to his word? I'd be pretty fucking unimpressed if my son got engaged and had a child with a woman, then tried to duck out of marrying her while expecting things to carry on as normal.

I married because it seemed sensible - it really meant nothing more to me.

I would (when younger with a child) have happily lived with someone who didn't want to marry me, so long as I had financial security and we both wanted the same things. I'm not religious, and I never wanted a wedding, so easy for me to say.

But would I marry someone who didn't want to marry me, but went through with it because his parents coerced him - nooooooooo.

In OP's situation, my three options would be quiet wedding and a legal agreement about the house/money etc; no wedding but the legal agreement; panic.

For me the options would depend on how serious the relationship was - if it was a real commitment, I'd want something legal - whether it was jointly owned property or a rock solid agreement. If it wasn't a relationship we both believed in ... well, what's the point.

mumyes · 02/01/2024 00:10

I would tell him you feel very, very vulnerable (which I think you are) and see how he reacts. If he reassures you by adding you to the deeds or getting married, he's decent.

If not, I would get legal advice asap & look to leave asap.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Roa · 02/01/2024 00:12

Yeah, pretty much been paying on that man's house for him. Why do women do this? Basically, he's been swindling her. Not to mention she does more house chores and definitely the childcare, as she took a part time. This type of behavior from a man should be considered extortion.

Original poster
LittleCactus · 02/01/2024 00:12

He's just come to bed and told me that he was being an idiot and actually does want to get married now and thinks we should do it just the two of us asap. But he's put so many doubts in my mind now that I'm just so confused and don't know what to think. Surely you can't just change your mind like that for such a big thing!
Have also told him name needs to go on the deeds and I'm not sending any more money until he organises it

OP posts:
MsRosley · 02/01/2024 00:13

BillieJ · 02/01/2024 00:05

I married because it seemed sensible - it really meant nothing more to me.

I would (when younger with a child) have happily lived with someone who didn't want to marry me, so long as I had financial security and we both wanted the same things. I'm not religious, and I never wanted a wedding, so easy for me to say.

But would I marry someone who didn't want to marry me, but went through with it because his parents coerced him - nooooooooo.

In OP's situation, my three options would be quiet wedding and a legal agreement about the house/money etc; no wedding but the legal agreement; panic.

For me the options would depend on how serious the relationship was - if it was a real commitment, I'd want something legal - whether it was jointly owned property or a rock solid agreement. If it wasn't a relationship we both believed in ... well, what's the point.

Show quote history

Fair enough. His parents shouldn't coerce him, but he does deserve to suffer their disapproval, and hopefully they can put pressure on him to at least give OP some financial security.