Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

[LittleCactus]

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

Not so fine if the partner turfs them out of the house and she's scrabbling to provide a home with no assets or savings though. It's fine if the parents have equal ownership of the home and savings.

Is he prepared to go through the legal hoops that will give a cohabiting couple the same rights as marriage e.g. to house, property etc on separation? Marriage is an enforceable contract, remember, with rights and duties not expected of a couple living together unless they specifically do the legal things that make it so. Sounds like a lack of real commitment on his part, I am afraid.

Sorry OP but there are some big red flags here:

• you don't own the house together (you are not on the deeds)
• an engagement should not last 4 years
• sounds like he has been leading you on with the promise of marriage
• a wedding does not have to be expensive. You could go to the registry office and then to the local pub with a couple of friends...so this is a rubbish excuse.

I would say that he does not want to be legally tied to you in any way. I know you have a child but by not having a jointly owned house and by not being married he is mainly thinking about his own interest.

I would call his bluff and say that your goal was to get married and that unfortunately you are rethinking the relationship.

He is taking you for granted and having everything his way and you are allowing him to do it.

Before you go all code red, say that's fine.
Say this means please can he confirm ie show you the documents that you benefit from the life insurance, pension. For the house, see a solicitor together to work out todate what you would be entitled to, less maintenance and fees.

He can put you on the deeds. If not, suggest he does a will and puts the house and all assets in trust to your child, and you as executor and can spend obo child. Basically spend a lot of money so that you have all the benefits of being married without getting married in terms of things going wrong. Make sure it clearly states if you both split, the trust / contracts cannot be broken. It will be cheaper to get married.

Does your child have his name or yours ? You could change your name by deed poll.

It's a shame but you having been living as though you are married and you are not. House keeping, children etc. Part time work.

Stop paying into the mortgage as your free childcare working part time covers this. Put the money saved into your pension. You aren't married. You have to put yourself first. You both have to put your child first.

Approach all legal agreements or any decisions as if you are about to split but he doesn't know yet. That way you won't get shafted. Hopefully.

This!

Get married and then make 2024 the year you become financially secure. Get back to full time employment, start building up your own pension and savings.

Stop sacrificing your future in order to let someone else build up their wealth at your expense.

As another poster said, don’t start playing hard to get now.

i know you feel like the love and romance has been sucked out of it and something you expected to be happy about now probably feels quite deflated. BUT think practically and without emotion, you’re vulnerable. You need to protect yourself and your investment in this relationship.

so get that registry office booked asap. You can still have a lovely day, see if you can arrange childcare for a weekend and have a mini moon somewhere lovely. The romance and love can still be there but marriage is a legal contract and you need it asap.

@MimiSunshine

The romance and love can still be there but marriage is a legal contract and you need it asap.

Romance and love with someone who has made it clear he only wants to marry to avoid having to look after his own child? Nah.

Marry by all means if it makes financial sense. Then take him for all he is worth, get a FT job, get a home of your own and get the hell out of dodge.

What was your dream for the wedding? Big do, all the trimmings? I can totally see the point if he's worried about the expense of it all - too often it's about the 'showing off to friends/family' element and no forethought about everyday life that follows, and many marriages go downhill when reality sets in.

It's time to sit down and try to have an honest conversation with him. What would be a huge mistake is for you to carry on, hoping he'll change his mind about getting married.

So he has started thinking that he could lose half his house if the marriage failed.

Book the registry office today. You would be absolutely screwed financially if you left him/ he told you to leave. If he claimed 50/50 residence of your child, you wouldn't get a penny in maintenance. Focus on your career after you get married.

This is not a situation where you met a man with a house, you built all this together!

Book the wedding at the registry office today, you need to protect yourself and your child.

At least if you split then you won't be left holding the baby and no assets

You have paid some expenses, you would have had to pay something wherever you lived, probably more than you have paid living in his house and have had some time paying nothing at all. I doubt that a court would count that as "contributing to the mortgage".

Or marry him and see how it goes? One wobble doesn't mean the relationship is doomed.

No one can make him look after his own child - no parent can be forced to do that. And paying child maintenance is a better deal for him financially than marriage so I doubt he's suggesting it as a cost saving measure (obviously the best deal financially for him is for the OP to continue as she has been doing but hopefully that's no longer on option).

Or maybe, like many men and women from time immemorial, he just got cold feet and having got it out of his system, realises he was being an arse?

She was raising his child.

If the marriage doesn’t take place soon then the next step is a solicitor - MrsTerryPratchett mentioned some legal nicety upthread - to formalise the contributions she has made to the household.

@Cel119 Marriage is a legal commitment and offers OP the best protection.

He probably has got cold feet so book it now, get married in the next two weeks. If he can't commit then make plans to leave him.

You made a plan, you bought a house, you had a child. All under the promise of marriage. I bet the child has his name too!
If he's changing the rules, he's putting you in a vulnerable position and you should leave him. Tell him you want more children and that's not going to happen with him.

That's understandable, he's lost a lot of your trust with what he's just done and it will take action on his part to earn it back.

the only con here was getting her to pay for a house she has no rights to

its a legal commitment and protection - your love is not worth much if you're not willing to commit

Great update. Get married and get protected.

When women act like this it just makes them think it's going to happen

• *by "act like this" do you mean want some legal protection in return for the financial and career sacrifices they inevitably make when the woman gives birth to the man's child? Don't you think it's the bare minimum a man should offer in return? How is it "acting like this"?

This. Do it asap.